"Some people only hate you because of the way how other people love you." -Unknown

C h a p t e r  T h r e e

"Jealousy"

Everyday, it was on my mind. At school. At home. Everywhere. Being an idol, an artist, a role model that someone can look to...that's who I wanted to be. So one day I finally told Umma.

"An idol, sweetie? Are you serious?" I just nodded my head and the conversation continued. "Being an idol takes a lot of work, and years, and years to train..." She said, and obviously: there was a tone of concern in her voice. "I want to be popular, umma, and if that's all-"

"Popular? That's all that you want from being an idol?" She inquired, and I interrupted. "Umma, that's not what I mean...Being an role model, you know, for younger kids..." I couldn't find anything else. My mom looked at me with her great, round eyes and it stared deeply into me. "Seohyun, I know that Jiyeon and everyone else is bothering you, but being an artist or idol takes big effort, and you would need time off school, and everything. I wouldn't see you much, and you wouldn't see me much, either. Your dad, Krystal, Jimin, all of the family that you're leaving behind. Don't you think...just a bit...you're being selfish?"

Selfish? Me? No. She should see Jiyeon, and Krystal...and- "I don't think you're ready to take this big responsibility, honey." That sentence...kind of killed me inside. My mom didn't understand how important I wanted to be an idol. The seriously huge amount of bullying, painful and hurtful name-calling, malicious teasing, endless amounts of evil Jiyeon: all of those things would be over. Forget it. No one understood me, and no one ever will. If my mom can't understand me, who can?

❣

After my whole conversation with mom last week, I never really spoke it around my family anymore. Krystal didn't know. Jimin didn't know. Dad didn't know. Even Soohyun didn't know, and we've already been friends for about three weeks or so. But after that time when we went to Ulzzang Fashion and she waited for me for five minutes staring at that flyer, I think she knows. But Soohyun never really walks about it. I began to slowly forget about it, too. Until...

We were in the huge cafeteria, with big, bright lights everywhere. I sat down on a table as Soohyun followed after. "Oh my god, is that Jung Yonghwa?" I looked over to my left and I realized that the voice belonged to Soohyun. "Hmm, you know Yonghwa?" I asked. Soohyun looked away, and pretended she didn't hear me. Typical. I shrugged, maybe she was just having a bad day. Well, let's face it: every single girl in the school had a crush on Yonghwa. To be quite honest, I was a total geek over Yonghwa and just like Soohyun dreamed of kissing and marrying Jimin, that's what I did in freshman and sophomore year. I liked him since the sixth grade, but the obsession got real when high school started. I still kind of like him now, but mostly, the obsession is over. Maybe Soohyun knew Yonghwa in her freshman year, because who doesn't know him? Yonghwa had just returned from a vacation from Fuji, and he was three weeks late for school. Today was his big entrance, his big arrival to returning to the school. The girls started to crowd over Yonghwa, and his friends pretended like they were security guards and pushed them. Yonghwa wasn't a celebrity or anything like that, but he was pretty big and known here at Seoul Hope High School.

"Yonghwa would never date a girl like you!" I turned and face my right, and the boy who was talking directly to me, laughed his head off. I sighed and realized his right. Yonghwa would definitely never date a girl like me. Unpopular. Ugly. Only full of brains, and nothing else. And that's when it struck me. That I had to be an idol. And the thoughts flooded my mind again.

"Uh, Seohyun...le-let's go," Soohyun suddendly told me, and pulled my hand. I was confused. "Why? I'm not even finished with my lunch yet!" I looked at her tray. She barely ate her rice, and all of her side dishes were full. "And neither are you! Soohyun, what's going on?"

"N-n-nothing," stammered Soohyun. I looked her in the eyes, but she avoided my gaze. There was something going on, and I was going to figure it out. "Lee Soohyun," I said carefully. "What is going...on?"

"Seohyun, let's g-"

"Lee... Soohyun?" I turned my head. Yonghwa took off his glasses and Soohyun hid behind me, terrified for her dear life of whatever she was afraid of with Yonghwa. And then suddendly, it happened. All the attention was on me...well, Soohyun and I. The talking stopped, the eating halted. Soohyun wasn't so used to all this attention because she was shaking so much I thought she was going to lose grip of me and fall over, but I knew how to deal with it. It was just to let everything happen, and afterwards, pretend like it didn't happen at all.

"You two...know each other?" I suddendly questioned, with every single pair of eyes in the cafeteria on me.

"I, well...uh-" Soohyun repeated herself three or four more times with the same words: "Well", "Uh", "Um", "Ugh." Yonghwa didn't say anything, it was just that his jaw was wide open and his eyes looked worried and scared.

"They dated each other in the freshman year." Soohyun looked faint. Yonghwa closed his mouth. And...I didn't know how to react. Jiyeon, the Queen of Everything, was here. "Oh don't you people know anything? Lee Soohyun and Jung Yonghwa dated each other in the middle of the year in freshman year." If Soohyun was clutching and hiding her head on me like she was right now, I wouldn't have believed Jiyeon, but deep down I knew it was true. I didn't really know how to respond by that. And for the first time, none of the attention was on me, anymore. I mean, sure everyone was looking at me, but now they weren't thinking about The Fragile One, they were thinking about Soohyun and Yonghwa's old relationship, which I had no idea of.

"Hyung, that's messed up." I heard one of his friends say, and the chingu lightly nudged him.

"Yeah, that is messed up."

"This girl? Compared to me? Oh my god. I guess I know that I'm too high for Yonghwa's standards."

"What was Yonghwa...THINKING?"

One by one, they slowly began to leave the cafeteria and I was the only there along with a weeping Soohyun, a dissappointed Yonghwa, and a proud Jiyeon. "Why? Why'd you do it, Jiyeon?" Yonghwa asked in disbelief.

"Yonghwa, you should thank me. I did it for your own good." How could she say that? That little-! "I know that Seohyun girl likes you, so I gave her a chance," Jiyeon replied.

"JIYEON!" I suddendly screamed. "I don't, okay? Maybe you were just jealous!" I hissed.

"Me, jealous? Yeah, right. I hate him. Maybe you're just desperate."

"DESPERATE? Come on, the girl that's desperate is you. Ruining people's lives, is that what you really want to do?" Jiyeon replied with a simple answer. "Yes. So, do you have a problem with that?" I suddendly started crying tears of hate, anger, and frustration, and my eyes turned red. "Don't you think you have anything else better to do? You're the one that's desperate for attention, for fame, for popularity." Jiyeon scoffed and left the cafeteria without saying anything else. Was this her sign of defeat? Probably not. There was a lot more to come from Jeon Jiyeon.

"Hey, I know that you don't like me," Yonghwa suddendly said. "It's just Jiyeon." And then, he just left abruptly. I looked again at Soohyun. Her eyes bright red from crying, and her face filled with messy tears that were still rolling down on her face. I know what she feel likes. Dying from embarrassment. That was what I felt like every single day. And for once, I thought about that word, jealous, again. Was I really that jealous? Wanting popularity instead of caring for the people around me? Wanting to "finish" Jiyeon once and for all?

I think that day was far more worst than any day I had been bullied for Jiyeon.

Because for once, I started to think. What if Jiyeon was right about how I was just jealous and desperate?