“Oh hi, Youngbae, I wasn’t expecting you,” Seunghyun said, a look of surprise on his face.  “Are you looking for Daesung?  He’s in Japan.  Still.”

“I know, I came to talk with you, Hyung.  He just called me.”

At that, Hyung paused, knowing that I knew.

“How can you just ignore his calls?  All 37 of them?”

No answer.

“He deserves better than that.  You were gone for four days, Hyung, and you haven’t talked to him even once.  It’s not right.”

Hyung was sitting on the couch, just watching me.

“Look, I’m sorry to barge in like this.  But he called me, and clearly he had been crying.  I didn’t even know what I could do for him.  I care about him, and I just-“

“I know you do.”

“-couldn’t stand… what?”

“I know you care about him, Youngbae.  I know you love him.”

I have no clue what to do.  Run?  Deny?  Joke?  Act confused?

“It’s okay, I’ve known for a while.  I guess that’s why I’m wondering why you’re here,” said Seunghyun quietly.  His voice wasn’t angry or accusatory, it was soft, timid, almost tired.

“What do you mean by that?”

“You know the fight’s serious this time.  You know things have been rough for a while, and this isn’t just a little disagreement.  It might be it.  I don’t know.  It might not be.  But I have to say, I’m surprised that you’re here, arguing his case for him.  I thought you might want to be waiting in the wings instead.”

I had been standing up this entire time, but those words took the strength right out of my legs and I folded.

“I mean, he called YOU.  Not Jiyong.  Not Seunghyun.  You,” he said. “Always you.”

Stunned.

I didn’t know where he was going with this, was he jealous or just observing or mad, but I had to stop his train of thought.

“Hyung.  Stop.  Since you know, you’re right, I do love him.  And not like I’m supposed to.  Way more than I’m supposed to.  I know you can’t blame me for that.  He’s everything that’s good in this world.  And somehow he actually likes me.  How could I not love him?”

He looks up at me, more than a little taken aback.  I guess he didn’t expect me to just own it like that.

“So yeah… But Hyung, I love you too.  Not like that of course, but not any less.  You’ve always been a great hyung to me, but even if you weren’t, I’d never.  You’ve never treated him badly – except for right now,” I get out what I’m able to say before my throat closes up.  “He loves you, not me. I’d never disrespect that.”

The only sound in the room is clock ticking on the wall.  I’m not sure if I expect him to say anything to that.  I’ve just laid it all out there – things that I’ve thought about for a really long time, but it’s new for him.  Well, clearly not all new, but... I slowly get up to leave.

“Youngbae.  I’m sorry.”

I stop and face him.

“You don’t deserve what I just said, I’m sorry.  I’ve just lost my mind these past few days, months, and I did something I swore I’d never do.  Use your… affection for him against you.  I’m sorry,” Hyung repeats, his eyes never leaving mine, his voice stronger than it’s been all evening.

I don’t know what I expected when I came over here, but it certainly wasn’t this.

“You’ve done nothing but support him, and us.  Even now, you’re here to protect us.  To protect him.  Like I should be doing,” he continues, his voice gradually closing in a whisper.

“What’s going on, Hyung?

It might be killing me a little inside each time I dig in, but I can’t help myself.

“I don’t know.  I’m just so annoyed all the time.  We always have to talk on the phone.  He’s always in Japan.  He’s so tired, I can hear that all he wants to do is sleep, but I force him to talk with me.  It’s so frustrating.  I just… I just… I just MISS him.”

“So instead of telling him that, you pick a fight with him and then ignore him for four days?  And, you don’t remember what it was like for him when you were filming?  He was miserable because he missed you a lot too.”

“I know you talked a lot then.  He told me how much he relied on you… it must have been really hard for you.”

“It was.”  It’s all I can say because it was really difficult.  Between fighting the company for my album and fighting my heart for my head, I struggled. 

“But, I’m here too.  What are you going to do?”

“I’ll fix it.  I promise you.  I’ll do anything.  Apologize.  Beg.”

“Just talk to him.  You don’t have to do anything else.”

Hyung nods and the fact that I know this is left unspoken.

A lot will go unspoken after tonight, I know.  But one thing can’t.

“Does he know?”

Barely a second passes before Hyung answers.  “You know he doesn’t.  He would never be that cruel.”

The breath I’d been holding lets out in a sharp exhale, and I leave before I can do more harm.

…