I can’t believe I’m here again.  One year later, still standing outside his door. 

…

This has been the worst year ever.  It’s official.

From an unbelievable tug of war with Hyun Suk hyung over the contents and delay of my album to Jiyong’s inability to produce Bigbang’s next album – tangible proof of his own worst year ever – it’s been a frustrating year musically.  And even though I’m still doing things, without that outlet to express myself, everything else is just harder to deal with.

Nothing’s been harder than the war I’ve been waging in my heart though.

After that day, I decided I had to do something.  I had to find a way to get over Daesung, or I knew I’d lose it.  And lose him.

Luckily, the rework on my album meant that I was in studios all the time for the first part of the year.  And Daesung was busy prepping his album in Japan, so while distance can make the heart grow fonder, in this case, it was helping me keep him out of sight, out of mind.  Kind of.

So, while I still thought about him, it was a bit easier to train myself to not naturally orient towards him.  It wasn’t easy.  Whenever he came back to Seoul, we’d meet up to listen to his or my songs, grab a bite and catch up on our lives.

Distance wasn’t only affecting me though.  I saw the stress it was causing Daesung.  Even though he never directly mentioned problems, I knew it was a trying time for the two of them.  Being in Japan didn’t help and Hyung’s filming schedule also made it harder for them to connect.

So today, when I got a call from Daesung, who was still in Japan, I was surprised. 

When I heard his voice, strained with tears, I was shocked.

When I listened to why he was crying, I was livid.

And without knowing, I found myself knocking on this door again.

…