Junho didn’t feel better after days. It was getting worst when the day of the vacation was nearer. He was nervous to see her again. He often asked to himself, was he ready? Was he ready to see difference in her stares? He was sure that she wouldn’t see him in the same way like before. She wouldn’t treat him the same way like before. He could imagine she would treat him coldly, that she wouldn’t smile again at him.

That was really frustrating.

He couldn’t even concentrate well in practicing. He felt so sorry for his band mates, but they all understood that he had a problem.

“I knew this would happen.” Wooyoung said at that time. He patted Junho’s back. “No need to worry. Everything is gonna be alright.”

No, he couldn’t think of that possibility.

He thought everything was already over.

But, he should face the reality. And he should face her. Even though she didn’t want to see him again, he should come and make the day memorable for him. It was maybe the last day he would meet her, he should enjoy it.

Yes, that would be very good.

For the trip to Busan, he was told by the owner of the orphanage to come early in the morning. They would go at 7. Their manager had brought him here, and told him to be careful and not to recognize by people. Junho just nodded in response and had prepare a baseball cap, glasses and a muffler as a disguise. As he reached the gate, he was welcomed by the kids. They all looked so happy, he shouldn’t make them worried, right? He should look happy, too. At that time, he saw her walking out from the building. They exchanged glances, but she was the first person who looked away. He took a deep breath. This would be hard.

“Junho ssi, you can’t be in this car.” The owner told Junho when Junho was about to get in the car with the kids. “It’s all set up, and teacher Song and teacher Gong will be in this car.”

Junho blinked in confusion. “Which car can I get on, Minjun ssi?” he looked around. There were three other cars behind this car.

“That car.” The owner pointed at the fourth car. “You’ll be there with me, and the other staffs.”

“Okay.” Junho nodded in response and walked to the car. The other staffs were already there. He didn’t know where to sit, but then he realized there was only one seat empty in the very back.

She was sitting there, next to the empty seat.

He had no choice. He had to sit there.

She didn’t even give him a glance, she was busy looking outside the window. He knew she didn’t want to look at him anymore.

Why is it very hard to breathe properly?

“Everybody’s already in?” the owner came after Junho already sat beside her. He then counted all people in the car before he opened the door and sat beside the driver. “Here we go!” he shouted happily.

He really disliked the situation where he couldn’t talk to her. She didn’t give any sign that she wanted to talk to him. He was really confused. He couldn’t stand it, but he tried to endure it for a little bit more. They went to an orphanage (Junho then found out that the orphanage was also the owner’s) and then walked to some places in the city. It was really fun, because he had the kids with him, he didn’t feel that sad. Meanwhile, she always walked along with the other staffs. He knew she had her eyes on him, but she just didn’t say anything.

“Did you plan not to say a word to me?” he said after everybody was walking in front of them. She was walking alone, then he decided to walk with her. She looked a bit surprised as she turned around and stared at him. She then looked away. Junho was really sad to know she didn’t ever want to look at him again.

“Not really.” That was her answer. It was a good thing she still replied his question.

“It means that you want to talk to me?”

“You can say that.”

Junho grinned. “That’s good.”

They still walked together but now they were in silence. They didn’t talk to each other. Probably they both didn’t really know what to talk. It was weird since they used to talk about many things. Actually there were many things he wanted to tell her right now. He realized he shouldn’t hide anything from her anymore.

“I know it’s my fault I don’t say the truth to you.” He suddenly said. “I thought you would recognize me that night.” He added bitterly. He glanced at her. She still didn’t say a word. “But, then I knew you’re not our fans. It’s alright to me since we can’t make everybody in this country our fans and always recognize us. I don’t want you to think of me as a person who makes up stories, if I told you I’m a guitarist of a band. I thought you wouldn’t believe me.

“The first thing I could say at that time was that to mention my old job, when I was in college. I was a guitar teacher back then, before I met my friends and started to form a band.” He explained it even though it was not important to her. “But the bad thing is I got used to my lies. I ended up lying to you, many times.” He sighed.

“I wouldn’t mind if you tell me everything, I wouldn’t think you’re a crazy person even if you said you’re a rock star.” He didn’t expect she would reply him. He looked around to see her. She kept looking at the street, without even looking at him. “All you need is just to tell me.”

“I should do it from the beginning.” He said regretfully.

“Yes, you should.”

“Do you ever know why I want to get closer to you?”

She turned around to see him. She raised an eyebrow. “What?”

He just smiled slightly. “Because I’ve seen you in my dream.”

She blinked. “W-what?”

Junho slowly took her hand. She looked so surprised to see his action. “I’ve seen a girl who had a shape of nails like this.” He tapped her fingers. “Nails with no nail polish.” He added, grinning. “And she also had a bracelet like this.” He shook her hand a bit, making the bracelet sound a bit noisy. “And the last thing I remember from my dream is...”he intertwined her eyes with his. “I held her hand, so tightly, like this.” He saw her cheeks got redden. “And I got such a happy and comfortable feeling, the best feeling I ever felt in my life. I felt so loved, I was so happy.”

She still looked that surprised with his actions. She tried to release her hand from his, but he didn’t let her.

“If you ever think I’m lying to you right now, you’re wrong.” He said. He looked at her straight at the eyes. He could see the sparks in her eyes. She was really surprised. He just smiled to himself.

 “Well, I don’t think you’re lying. I never ever think you would lie.” She answered, looking away.

She is really kind.

He smiled. He appreciated that she didn’t think he would lie to her again. “Thank you for believe me.” He said sincerely.

“You don’t need to say thank you.” She said coldly.

He held her hand even tightly. “You’ve let me to hold your hand like this. I think I should thank you twice.”

“Lee Junho, you fool.” She muttered.

“Glad to hear that from you.” He giggled like an idiot.

It wasn’t more than six minutes holding hands, Junho felt his phone vibrated. He took his phone with his free hand. It was a text from Chansung, saying he should get back to Seoul soon because there was a sudden meeting held by their boss. Aish, I should have no any schedule today. He sighed so heavily.

She seemed like know what was happening. She took a glance to his phone. “I know something like this will happen.” She commented.

Junho turned around to see her. “What do you mean?”

“You will be always this busy. You can’t get much free time. You can’t get out like this whenever you want. Your activities had been packed.” She replied him. She slowly released his hand. “That’s why I said we’re different.”

He didn’t know what to say and worriedly looked down at his phone. Should I go back now?

“Just go.” She said to him. “It’s more important than us. We’ll be okay.”

“B-but...”

“You’ve helped us too much. For now, I really don’t know how to pay you.”

He was surprised. “B-but...”

She went closer and gave him a teddy bear hug. She then pulled away and said,”I think this is a farewell?”

Junho widened his eyes in shock. “W-what?” he was too shock when she walked away leaving him. He couldn’t say something to make her stay. He just stared at her back, hoping she would turn around and see him. After a minute, Junho was still there and she was already far away, he saw her turning around and shouting

“Your song is so lovely! I like it!” she waved, and he saw her smiling at him for the first time after a week. And maybe it was the last smile he could get from her.

2 years later

“We’ve discussed about it many times, Jang Wooyoung.”

“Yes, I know. But why don’t you think about it again? It’ll be great.”

“No, man. I’ve told Sajangnim about this, and he agreed with my decision.”

“Junho, this special winter album will be great with your song in it. I, Chansung and Taekyeon had our own composed songs in this album. We should add yours also.”

“No, no, Wooyoung. I disagree.”

“If you don’t want that song in our album, compose a new song then.”

“No, I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I just can’t do it.”

“Weirdo.”

“Whatever.”

Junho was tired to argue about it every day. Wooyoung kept talking about their new winter album that would be released in two weeks. He insisted that Junho’s song had to be released, too. It had been two years from the first time they sang his song in public, but that song still wasn’t released in any albums, just because Junho didn’t want them to do it. It also had been two years that he didn’t compose any songs. He thought he had lost his ability to compose songs.

He had lost his inspiration.

Yes, he had.

Nothing changed, actually. He was still active with his band, promoting their songs and album, performing in music shows, doing fansigns, holding concerts, participating in some other concerts, endorsing some products, but he always thought something missing.

He never came to the orphanage again, he never saw her again.

It was not like he didn’t want to see her again. He really wanted to, but he always thought she didn’t want to meet him again. He didn’t dare to show up in the orphanage, but he always thought about that place. He thought about the kids, and wondered if they missed him.

He wondered if she missed him.

He stared at his phone, looking at her number. Did she still use the same number until today?

“Come on, Junho. We have to do recording one more time.” Chansung patted his shoulder and rose from the sofa.

Junho sighed and slid his phone onto his pocket.

“Lee Junho, you have to stop looking at fans’ hand. I’ve said to you many times they always look like they want to talk to you, you should see their face. But you just look at their hands. Oh, come on.” Wooyoung gritted his teeth. He glanced at Junho with an annoyed look. They were in a fansign for their winter album. The album was just released a week ago, without Junho’s self-composed song in it, of course.

Junho snorted and whispered. “Aish, you’re so noisy.”

“I see you still have that habit of yours.” Taekyeon laughed as he had given a fan his sign.

“That’s true.” Chansung added. “He got that habit after he dreamt about that girl.”

Wooyoung and Taekyeon laughed. “Yeah, that’s true!” they said in unison.

Junho got frozen.

Did they just bring up about her?

“Did you just stare at fans’ hands just because you want to find her here?”

Why is it so hard to breathe properly?

“Yah Wooyoung, that’s impossible. She won’t come here. She’s not our fan.”

That’s true.

“Yah Lee Junho, there’s a fan in front of you!”

Junho couldn’t concrete well. He sighed heavily about his silly action. Yes, he needed to focus. This was their fansign. He should be that gloomy. He sighed once again as he reached the album the fan giving to him. He planned to see the fan’s face this time. When he was about to look up, he was shocked to see something familiar.

A familiar hands and bracelet.

Is this real? Is it really her?

Junho didn’t dare to look up.

He didn’t dare to hope too much.

“Why don’t you look up and see our fan’s face, Junho?” Wooyoung nudged him and laughed happily.

Slowly but sure, Junho looked up. She was smiling brightly at him.

O-oh, my heart.

Junho was trying to wear his hoodie, muffler and glasses properly. She laughed at him to see how many things he needed to disguise himself. He giggled happily. It had been awhile he didn’t feel this happy.

“Let me help you.” She fixed the glasses and muffler. He stared at her without even blinking. He held his breath, she was so close to him. His heart beat faster and faster again. O-oh, this is weird.

“Done!” she said cheerfully.

“T-thanks.” He said, stuttering. He sounded so stupid now.

They walked down the street. The snow was falling tonight. It was so cold. But, Junho was feeling so warm, just because she was here with him. He couldn’t even describe how happy he was.

“I don’t really know you would come to our fansign.” He started to talk.

She giggled. “Am I not allowed to come?” she asked.

“No, no! You can come.” He said quickly. She just laughed to see his reaction. “Are you a fan now?” he asked.

“You can say that.” She grinned. They were already on a bus stop. They didn’t need so long to wait the bus to come. They got on the bus and sat on the seats in the back. Not many people were on the bus. It was only them, the driver and two high schoolers, who were on way home from Junho’s band fansign. They brought some banners. Junho hid his face with his muffler. He couldn’t get caught.

“Why did you become our fan?” Junho asked as the bus left the bus stop.

“I started to listen to your songs since two years ago. All of them are my favourite.” She replied and smiled.

“Oh, really?” he didn’t know she would like all of their songs.

“I’m not used to listen to rock songs, actually.” She giggled. “But, you guys have some slow songs also. I like it.” She added.

His smile grew wider. It was so nice to know that she listened to their songs now. He never expected that the day like this would come, he could see her again, and talked to her again like he always did before. He didn’t believe he was now with her. It was really like a dream.

He came back to reality as she said,”but I didn’t find the song you guys sang before.”

He raised an eyebrow. “What song?”

“Your song, Wooyoung ssi said that you composed that song. Love is Lovely, isn’t it, the title?”

He was speechless. “T-that song?”

“Yeah, I didn’t find that song in your albums.”

“It was supposed to be in this winter album, but..”

She looked so curious. “But...?” she waited him to continue his words.

“I said to our sajangnim not to add it in the album.”

“Why?”

I composed it only for you.

He decided not to reply that question and asked. “Why did you see me now? I-I mean, why didn’t you see me before? Last year, maybe?” it was weird to ask that question. But what could he do? He was really curious. She was the one who wanted them to stop being friends. He couldn’t do anything at that decision. He would do everything she wanted him to do. He simply didn’t want to hurt her.

She looked a bit surprised. He realized she didn’t ever expect this question. “I-I’ve said farewell to you.” She said at last. She looked hesitating.

He nodded. “O-oh, yeah. So?”

“I thought I shouldn’t do that.” She said as if it explained everything. She sighed. “Something feels so wrong if I don’t talk to you and send you texts.” She added, sighing once again.

I do feel the same.

“You missed me, didn’t you?” Junho asked simply.

Her eyes widened in shock. “I did what?”

“You missed me, right?” he asked the same question.

“I didn’t say that.” She protested.

He grinned. “I felt the same, too.” He said. “I felt something wrong if I don’t see you, talk to you, give you calls, come to the orphanage. But I know what that means.” He added. “That means I miss you.”

She blinked many times. She looked so confused. “You...missed me?”

“Yes.” He said firmly. “And I know you missed me, too.” He smiled.

Her cheeks redden. She didn’t say anything and decided to look away, not looking at him. He giggled. She is so cute when she is like this. He then slowly took her hand and held it tight. She didn’t wear any gloves but her hand wasn’t cold. It was so warm and it was so nice to hold it like this. Then Junho felt so loved when she held his hand back. Suddenly he saw a scene he had seen before. It was all like a dejavu.

He had been in this situation before.

It was the same like his dream two years ago.

Junho looked down at their hand and looked at her hand intently. He stared at the shape of her nails and her bracelet. They were really the same with what he had seen in his dream. He finally felt that comfortable feeling. He already felt it now, when he held her hand like this.

“Do you really like the song I’ve composed?” he suddenly asked.

She turned around and gazed at him. She slowly nodded. “Yes. It’s so lovely.” She chuckled.

He grinned. “Do you want me to sing it for you?”

“Right now?” she looked a bit surprised.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “But, after that, can we start dating?”

Fin.

October 6^th 2014

To Sam1991, thank you.