[updated September 27th, 2014] Not exactly double updates, but because i think there was too much info in the same chapter, i decided to cut it into 2 parts.

WARNING - ANGST! but enjoy~

 

 

 

 

 

When I see you, I can’t stop my tears from flowing…

You make me feeling like a fool…

If by any chance, you have a change of heart…

I will be still standing on your way back, baby~        

 

Hyukjae didn’t know how he made it. And he didn’t know if he ever made it.

Because Hyukjae was still deeply sad after his encounter with Donghae earlier at Donghwa’s coffee store.

 

While he was going up the elevator to his penthouse, counting the days that he hasn’t seen Donghae, he felt his heart crack. He didn’t know why he bothered counting the days knowing that it wouldn’t make any different. It wouldn’t make Donghae come back to him at all. It wouldn’t.

 

Each step felt heavier than each. His penthouse held so many memories of Donghae and him.

So really, each step he took just reminded him of how much he was going down the memories lane.

And Hyukjae knew he should no longer thinking of him.

So one last time, he shook his head lightly as he reminded himself that he should be focusing on correcting his students’ works and prepared an outline for tomorrow’s class instead.

 

But whom are you kidding?

 

Hyukjae entered the passcode of his penthouse and entered the house without turning the lights on.

He started to adapt the habit of liking the darkness.

Because darkness made him feel safe. He didn’t have to feel lonely as the darkness engulfed him.

He didn’t have to look around in the light and saw the empty space or the imaginary laughter or the playful conversation of a loving couple that used to be here and there and everywhere in his penthouse.

He let his legs dragged him by heart to the couch of the penthouse’s living room.

 

Hyukjae swore he was shocked.

More than shock.

Because he felt another presence next to him.

For a second, he wanted to scream.

What was this thing next to him?

But another second passed, Hyukjae figured out.

 

Only his family and his know his penthouse’s passcode.

If the person next to him had been his family member, they would have all the lights before he came in.

Each time his family came to visit his penthouse, his older and younger sister would be dragging him to the couch and started an endless conversation. Then his mom would ask them to stop and come to get dinner. His dad would laugh as he asked about their days, and then… Donghae would be sitting next to him and just enjoying the family moments.

 

Donghae…

Donghae…

 

Hyukjae didn’t even dare to hope as he let his eyes blinked.

He didn’t even dare to make a move.

And he could feel it… the goose bump that he felt from that presence… and all the feelings in the world come back.

His assumption was then confirmed when the person next to him turned to switch the lights beside the couch’s table.

 

And again, the other person who knew clearly about the map of this house could be only be one person.

He gulped.

 

Why are you here?

 

And Hyukjae still surprised when Donghae turned to look at him.

A soft smile decorated the younger’s face. Pretty and gentle as ever.

Hyukjae thought he forgot how to breathe again.

 

“Hi….,” the younger uttered softly and a bit awkward.

 

Hyukjae then pulled up all his courage to look at the younger. He wanted to say something but he didn’t know. He just didn’t know until Donghae spoke again while rubbing his nape awkwardly. And Hyukjae hated himself because he found the action of the younger was too cute. That he wanted to hug him. Kissed him. And just had Donghae back in his arms again. And never let go. But he couldn’t. There was clearly a line that drew between them two now.

 

“Y…you didn’t change your passcode… so yeah….,” Donghae murmured.

Hyukjae then tried to get his brainwork, to think of a response, to think of an excuse just so Donghae wouldn’t think that the code still meant something to him (house passocde is their anniversary date from 7 years ago), that’s why he didn’t change… and he finally did,

 

“I just thought its troublesome to change……Mom and dad is back in Seoul with Sora and Yoona, so sometimes they come here and these days, I’m not around here that much, so yeah….”

 

And Hyukjae swore he could see the disappointment and the sadness that flickered in the younger’s eyes for a second. But no, that couldn’t be.

 

“Oh…, how is mom and dad and your sisters?” Donghae asked, his voices sounded softer.

 

Mom and dad….

 

He smiled, “They are doing well.”

 

Then Hyukjae began again, “I thought you supposed to be…….,”

 

“That should be my question,” Donghae cut, “Where have you been? You left my brother’s store earlier than me but I arrived our place before you.”

 

Our.

Donghae, please don’t make it so hard for me.

 

Hyukjae once again blinked his eyes.

I was watching you… I was crying…

Then I took another 30 minutes walk…

Then I drove around for another 45 minutes…

To clear my mind… To erase the thought of missing you…

 

“I had to return back to the university and collected my students’ papers that I forgot.”

 

And honestly, Hyukjae didn’t understand why they were having this conversation.

How was it so simply possible that Donghae just came here and acted like everything was fine?

Because obviously, it was not for him.

 

“You still teach and train the new professors?” Donghae asked looking at Hyukjae straight in the eyes.

The older nodded.

 

Tell me, please, why are you here.

 

Donghae started to shift uncomfortably, biting his lips and then asked a new question with a sign of hesitation.

 

“And… so earlier, I’ve been meaning to ask but didn’t get the chance to, but… how have you been? Are you doing fine?”

 

He kept his gaze on Hyukjae and only when he noticed how Hyukjae began to look at him in the eyes again that he started to feel guilty all over again.

 

The question made Hyukjae speechless.

And he knew he could have tried to pretend to be stronger. To not look weak in front of Donghae. But his lip was faster than his brain could control. A short but honest answer.

 

“No, I am not.”

 

Hyukjae couldn’t believe it either. He didn’t understand how in the world it was possible for him to tell everyone that he was fine and why couldn’t he tell that same thing to Donghae, to the person that was the source of all these pain in his heart? Just why.

Donghae looked stunt for a second, not expecting the answer. So he bitterly bit his lips,

 

“I’m sorry…,”

 

“No, you don’t… you don’t have to.” Hyukjae continued. “But… Donghae, please…..” and then Donghae could see the desperation in the  older’s eyes and he felt hurtful because never once Hyukjae ever looked that depress, that desperate, that broken.. and he knew this was his fault to begin with and it really hurt him when he heard the older added,

 

“Until the day that I look at you and no longer feel anything……until that day, you can go and introduce me to anyone… and all the stuffs. But not now, not when I look at you, and I still feel everything…..one-sidedly.”

 

Donghae could tell the how Hyukjae's eyes started to brim with tears and the older no longer look at him in the eyes. He could tell the stern voices that now began to shake.

 

“It’s hard… So Donghae, please… If you have already moved on happily, give me some time…. Some times, so I can do it. Just not now,”

 

“H-Hyukjae… look,” Donghae wanted nothing but to comfort the older in his embrace but before he could allow to say anything else, he heard the older begged to him,

 

“Please don’t make it harder for me. Please…,”

 

And if that wasn’t a message for him to leave. Donghae couldn’t guess what else could Hyukjae has meant. He looked at Hyukjae once again.

 

His expression was filled with a bit of sympathy and many more that Hyukjae couldn’t identify. But Hyukjae knew the less thing he wanted from the younger now was that pitiful looks. Hyukjae didn’t need it. Simply, because those looks made him feel pity on himself and things would just get harder for him.

 

“Are you asking me to leave?”

 

Hyukjae gulped hearing the question being directed to him. He could even felt the intense gaze on him, still. So bitterly, he replied,

 

“You have a new place already, Donghae, since the day you walked out of here. You have another person waiting for you to comeback……. And it’s not this place…anymore,”

 

Hyukjae didn’t know if he should continue his speech or not but as he heard the ruffling sounds and then he looked up just to see the back views of the younger already picking up his bag. Hyukjae knew.

 

But nothing hurt him more than seeing Donghae walking out of the door without sparing him another glance.

Though wasn’t that he wanted? For Donghae to leave so that he could move on?

Hyukjae guessed maybe that was really what he wanted.

 

Still his assumption went drench, because as the sound of the closed door was heard, a single tear was dropped. He felt his chest tightening because he wondered just how the younger did that.

 

How come Donghae acted as if it was the most easiest thing in the world to just come to his penthouse as he wanted and then just simply left……..

How come Donghae could be so … heartless…

 

And memories only kept flashing back like a waterfall with no end as his mind was fully occupied by the picture of them two in the house together… and Hyukjae broke down again. As he felt the cold air circulating inside his living room, brought nothing but the fragrance that he knew by heart…. Donghae’s scents. Lingering all over his house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * * * * * *

 

 

 

“Bro, I really think you need to go on a vacation for a while, I don’t know, you look so stressed… and…,” Sora proposed the idea to him one day when she was visiting him at the penthouse.

 

“I’m fine, noona, really. You don’t have to worry…”

 

“Bro, you could physically and constantly tell me that you are fine. But I am your sister, and I could see through you that you are not doing fine. If you keep masking your emotions, it might not get better. You need to let it out…bro ,” Sora soothed her brother softly and her last word made Hyukjae’s heart ached all over again.

 

“You have to move on…and let go of those.”

 

But I don’t want to let go.

Although I technically had.

 

“I can ask your best friends to occupy your absences at the university so you don’t have to worry about your students and other works.”

And Hyukjae knew he could never say no to his sister’s invitation.

 

“Give me some times. Let me wrap up my lectures so that I could at least feel relief if I have to go on a vacation.”

 

Hyukjae then saw his sister smiled, “Not if, bro. It is ‘when’. ”

 

“Alright, noona! Thank you!”

 

“Anything for you, bro.” The sister said sweetly as she hugged her brother tight.

 

 

 

 

 

* * * * * * *

 

 

 

 

 

“Professor Lee?”

 

Hyukjae came back to his trance when he heard his name was being called. In front of him, was a pretty and talented new professor that just got recruited to their university.

 

“Oh, BoA, I’m sorry?”

 

“Professor Lee, you look so out of it. Is everything okay?”

 

He smiled at her, “Thanks, all is well. So what is it that I can help you?”

 

“Ah, I was asking you about how to prepare outline for students so they can prepare for exams.”

 

Hyukjae looked at her softly before getting a hold of himself and began to explain her in details.

 

After explaining the outline to her. She thanked to him and just when Hyukjae thought that she would be leaving his office soon. He noticed how BoA was still standing there and looking at him with a soft smile on her face.

He looked at her awaiting for her to say something. The lady smiled again and added,

 

“Sometimes it’s hard to forget, Professor Lee. But you don’t have to forget. You can just keep it somewhere in your memories, lock it… and flip to the next page. If you miss it, you can always come back to look at that specific page again. Just don’t hold too tight on the same page, because it might tear out and later on, it’ll be hard for you to fit it back in the book. So let yourself move forward and be exposed to the good thing that waits for you. Give this some times…Because you can always come back later…,”

 

Hyukjae stared at her for a while. After taking in the meaning, he could only chuckle softly.

 

“Thanks!”

 

BoA laughed, “A cup of coffee in the evening after class in this chilly weathers would be nice!”

 

And Hyukjae laughed and nodded.

 

 

 

 

 

* * * * * * *

 

 

 

2 weeks later, Hyukjae thought that he was coping well and that he was finally doing well.

2 weeks without contacting and encountering the younger.

No more crying.

No more texting from the younger.

But yeah, at times, he would be still hearing Donghae name being mentioned, after all, they shared mutual (common) best friends.

But Hyukjae didn’t mind, and he knew he was handling this much better now.
 

Because his heart didn’t really skip a beat when he heard Donghae’s name anymore.

But it did still bleeding every time he was reminded that Donghae was no longer his.

It still hurt.

But he was doing better now.

 

His mind rarely occupied with the thought of the younger as he had began to make himself busier and tried to finish up all his works before going on his vacation.

 

 

 

* * * * * * *

 

 

“You sure you don't want us to go with you?” Siwon asked, his voice expressed genuine concern toward his best friend.

 

Hyukjae smiled, “Awww, come on, guys! I’m really fine now. Don’t worry. I just need to return this books to grandpa since I’m going on a vacation and I have practically finished preparing all the slides for Kyuhyun to use to show my students already. It’s really fine, I just need to return this back.”

 

“But you can do so through our library system! They’ll send out directly and you don’t have to be there.”

 

“Yes, hyung!” Kyuhyun nodded in agreement to Professor’s Choi words.

 

Hyukjae sighed, “I just wanted to see Grandpa…guys, I’m going to be fine.”

 

Kyuhyun looked at Siwon and slowly both of them nodded.

 

 

 

 

 

But life really after Hyukjae.

Because the moment he entered the familiar places that filled with memories and blessing from the grandpa, the memories were playing inside his head.

But that wasn’t the point.

 

Seeing Donghae stood next to one of numerous classic wooden book shelves making his brain go error for a second.

And Hyukjae hated himself for recognizing Donghae everywhere.

Hating himself for choosing to come here of all day. Weren’t Donghae supposed to be at the company?

But moreover, he hated himself for the fact he didn’t even make effort to turn back, to run away from Donghae, because there was this stupid 0.1% begging him to stay just to catch a glimpse of the younger.

 

And h