“To live is to suffer, To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering”

– Friedrich Nietzsche

Kyuhyun tried. He did.

Since some said time will heal, Kyuhyun continued living.

He would wake up every day, finished his jam-packed schedules until midnight greeted him then he would go out and drank with his friends or colleagues. Every single night Kyuhyun would down an adequate amount of alcohol, introducing it into his system until he would be in a state between sober and intoxicated. Then ─as if following a pattern─ after his body felt a bit light Kyuhyun would excuse himself from the crowd and made his way to the restroom, locking himself inside.

Kyuhyun had always considered his life as a play; and that he was the main lead in it, responsible in acting his heart out to every passerby and paying audiences. And here – this washroom – was his backstage, a confined space reserved for him to disrobe his entire disguise. This was the place where Kyuhyun would let his guard down; collapsing the remaining wall of defense he had left in him. This was the place where Kyuhyun would cry, wail and weep over his denied love, letting no one but the surrounding walls of the cubicle as the only witness of his regular breakdown.

Kyuhyun would take his time, silently sobbing until he was satisfied. Then he would walk out the door, putting his mask back on and readying himself like a lead performer being called upon once the curtain was raised. He has been accustomed to living like this for the past eight months since Siwon’s wedding, repeating the same old routine that was numbing him inside and out even more day after day.

Until that day came.

It was just another mundane day, he went home drunk and his woman came to fetch and clean him up. Kyuhyun took one look at his woman’s eyes and he saw nothing but sincere love and adoration.

It only took one glance for him, but it succeeded in making Kyuhyun felt so low and undeserving all of a sudden.

It was such an awakening moment ─ a moment when he realized that this woman in front of him was so beautiful and flawless.

The woman that every man would have dreamt of.

The woman that every man would love to claim as their own.

But at the same time, she was the woman that Kyuhyun didn’t love; and for that, Kyuhyun knew that she deserved better – so much better than a broken man who didn’t even harbor any feelings toward her because he was still so madly in love with another man.

Therefore the next day, Kyuhyun sat down with his woman, telling her in the most civil way possible that he wanted to end their relationship. Kyuhyun lost count on how many times the words “Why” were uttered by his woman’s lips, yet the best answer he could come up with were “sorry”.  It was neither a make-up answer nor a lie, because it was his truest thoughts all along. Nevertheless – though he knew how much the separation would hurt her – Kyuhyun felt he owed her at least that much.

Kyuhyun threw his woman one last apologetic look as he watched her finally finished packing her belongings with watery eyes and doleful expression before she left him for good.

“I’m really sorry. But trust me, you are going to thank me for this later.”  

Kyuhyun should have said it out loud, but he kept it to himself nonetheless. Since he believed, though unsaid, one day she would understand why he did what he did.

One day, his words would finally reach her once she found the true love of her life.

Because it’s not him,

It’s not Kyuhyun.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

– Lao Tzu

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Short update because I will be on a trip soon ^^