“The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.”

― Sophocles

Get pregnant damn it!

Siwon chanted what seems to be a mixture of a curse and a plea towards nothing in particular.

He was trapped in the delusion that maybe having a child will distract him away from his only obsession that was Kyuhyun. Maybe he would be able to transfer his obsession towards his own offspring and it would probably make the throbbing ache in his chest became more bearable.

It was his desperate plea to escape the dull life that he was living in. Unfortunately – as if God was trying to mock his pitiful situation – every little attempt he made in impregnating his wife was proven futile. It didn’t take him long ─around 14 months to be exact─ before he finally gave up and completely stop touching his spouse.

“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love”

– Sigmund Freud

***

 “We take greater pains to persuade others that we are happy than in endeavoring to think so ourselves”

― Confucius

It was around a year after Siwon’s wedding and Kyuhyun froze when he saw the message in their group chat.

“I’ll be at Seoul next week, guys! Let’s meet up! I’ll bring my wife. :^) –Siwon ”

This would mark the third time for Siwon visiting Seoul since his wedding. The first one was sometime during last year’s Christmas. The leader was inviting everyone to attend a Christmas dinner two days too early. Kyuhyun was planning to come – even went so far as going to the shopping mall to personally handpicked a gift for each of the member himself – before he found out from Donghae that Siwon was going to attend the gathering as well since he and his wife will be in Seoul to visit their family for Christmas. Kyuhyun booked a trip for himself and his entire family in the next hours, apologetically calling the leader afterwards and making an excuse that his parents planned an impromptu Christmas trip abroad.

But the truth was he was not ready to see Siwon.

Siwon’s second visit was unexpected – at least for Kyuhyun and the other members. It was a fan party held to commemorate their group’s anniversary. Siwon informed everyone that he sadly could not make it back – you know, work, wife and all. Imagine how surprised everyone was – Kyuhyun in particular – when Siwon showed up as a surprise guest accompanied by the euphoric cheering from the fans. But the brief hug he shared back then was just too much for Kyuhyun – it brought back too many memories; too heartbreaking, too hurtful and just too much of Siwon. It was indeed painful after all, embracing the most precious thing in the world that was yours once upon a time.

They were going for a gathering afterwards, the fruit of their spur-of-the-moment excitement from seeing the visual of the group. Kyuhyun recalled he made some silly and bogus excuse to decline, something the other members were also aware of and raised an eyebrow to. Nevertheless they all let it slide, too jolly from seeing Siwon.

And just like the previous one, this time Kyuhyun still was not ready to face Siwon.

Maybe third time would be the charm. Kyuhyun attended the gathering in the end. He was craving for closure and maybe seeing Siwon all married, happy and content with his wife will finally gave him the final conclusion of his incongruous longings towards the taller guy.

This time, he assured himself that he was ready.

Hence Kyuhyun could never be more wrong – just by having a look at Siwon, he knew his feelings were a far cry from being sorted out.

He cursed at himself, blaspheming on why after all this time he would let his world still revolve around Siwon. Surely when the members all greeted and welcomed the wife with open arms, Kyuhyun had to hold himself from punching anyone that gave such pretentious compliment to Siwon’s spouse.

How low has he stooped? How pathetic of him? How did he let himself be consumed by his own acrid bitterness?

Then there was it, Siwon gave him that look with the kind of smile that Kyuhyun could always recognize. It was that forced, fake smile that Siwon would always pull whenever the older guy felt like he was carrying the world in his shoulder yet he wanted no one to notice. It was the smile that was curled on his lips whenever he reached his limit and was just about to break yet he’s trying to convince everyone that he could still pull through.

Never did Kyuhyun wish he could be more mistaken in his entire life.

He tried to reason with himself, decrypting the story behind Siwon’s smile.  Still, he spent the entire dinner begging and pleading inwardly to nothing in particular, praying that it was all just his nonsensical mind playing tricks with himself, that he was seeing things, that Siwon was happy.

Yet as hours passed and the night matured, that sad and hollow smile was still present on Siwon’s face.

 Kyuhyun felt like he wanted to die then and there.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

– Paulo Coelho

***

A little impromptu gift before I go for a quite long trip :)