"It's time to go back."

Both Hongbin and Taekwoon looked up. Their shoulders drooped. Back to their rooms. 

Before the elder of the two could react to his emotions, Hongbin touched his hand and smiled. 'We can come back again,' he seemed to say. Taekwoon wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe it, so he shrugged off the negativity his mind was suggesting. He nodded and got up.

"Before we go... can we walk in the garden one more time? ...alone?" Hongbin timidly requested.

Hakyeon was caught off guard. In fact, all three of them were. Wonshik, Jaehwan, even Taekwoon. He looked at his hand. Hongbin was holding it. He means us, Taekwoon thought. But... alone?

"...sure," Wonshik gave them a soft smile.

"-But we're coming too," Hakyeon interrupted.

"I'm not. I'm going to get coffee with Jaehwan hyung. Would you two like some?" 

Slowly, Taekwoon raised his hand. Wonshik chuckled. At Hongbin's nod, two coffees. Ignoring Hakyeon, he linked his arm with Jaehwan's and started to leave. The elder was a little lost at first, but he caught on eventually. He tried to wink at Hakyeon as discreetly as possible and left the room. Hakyeon was clueless.

'You may be smart in psychology and counseling, but you're really bad at this,' Wonshik's voice echoed. He twitched. Damn it. With a huff, he looked at the two and gestured for them to leave.

"10 minutes. I'll wait here. If even a minute passes by and you're not back, I'll ban you two from meeting for 2 months. Got that?"

A little intimidated, both Hongbin and Taekwoon nodded. They left, Hakyeon stayed.

"I'll seriously punch Wonshik one of these days."

---

"Was that a good idea?"

Wonshik pressed on some buttons and the machine started whirring. The smell of warm coffee wafted.

"Of course. They'd need some time alone after everything they've gone through this week. They need to talk things out; decide if they're confident enough... to say it out loud."

"To... say what out loud?" Jaehwan wondered.

"'I want to get better and I want to do it now. Please help.'"

There was silence. The machine was making its third coffee. 

"...haven't they been saying that this whole time? I mean, they've been diligently trying to get better already, and you two are already helping them..."

"It's different."

Wonshik passed a cup to the elder and took one for himself. He slowly sipped on it and sighed. Good coffee indeed heals, he thought.

"They need to say it out loud, enough for not only them to believe it, but for us to be convinced. All this time, we know they've been trying hard. We know, which is why we're helping. But the difference between helping them then and helping them now is whether they're asking for it or not."

"...you can't help someone if they don't want you to help."

"...exactly."

"There have been... patients with similar cases. Many. They get admitted, we try our best to help. They improve... and then they don't. Most often than not, it's because they're not as convinced as we are."

"...of?" Jaehwan looked at the other.

"...of healing. They think it's about recuperating here that matters most before discharging. But that's not it. When you get transferred out of Phase 2, there's the whole ordeal of transitioning. To recuperate and to want to recuperate is different. To heal... is another matter entirely too," said Wonshik, eyes fixed on his coffee.

It was a haunting look, thought Jaehwan. He's looking at the coffee, but he's not. He's there, but he's not. He sipped on his cup and coughed.

"Sorry... I got a little carried away," Wonshik snapped out of his thoughts.

"No... it's good knowing how involved you are and want to be in your patients' journey. It's admirable, really."

Wonshik chuckled. He handed the elder another cup and got another in his other hand. They headed back.

"...can I ask you something?" Jaehwan started.

"Sure, I'm all ears."

"How'd you get into this field? The first time we met... I didn't think you'd be a psychiatrist."

"Because of my tattoos, these weird slits on my eyebrows and my deep... y voice?" Wonshik smirked.

I shouldn't feel so intimidated by that smirk, Jaehwan thought. He coughed as he found something else to look at. Maybe focus on the floor as we're walking, he decided.

"I- I didn't say that... just... the overall vibe you had at the shelter was... different. I couldn't refuse when you asked me to help. I barely knew you, yet somehow... I thought I could trust you. That... and-"

"-And my deep, commanding voice?" Wonshik tried again.

Jaehwan huffed. He knew by then how he was being teased. Sure, he was skinnier than the other, much less stoic and muscular, but he was no more a man than Wonshik was. He squared his shoulders and turned his face away, indicating how he was sulking.

"I'm kidding," he chuckled, "I don't blame you, hyung. It's... in my nature."

There was... shame in his voice, Jaehwan thought. He lowered his gaze and waited.

"I... wasn't always covered in collared shirts and dreamed of a job that deals with the human psyche. I used to display my tattoos like they were accessories and I'd pump my muscles every chance I get. It was my way of surviving. No... I had other ways of surviving. I just didn't like my choices," he let out a weary laugh.

Slowly, Wonshik's steps faltered. Jaehwan stopped as well. He followed the other's gaze and there was a pang in his heart.

It was the two lovebirds, hand in hand and smiling at each other as they walked by. There was a flower in Taekwoon's hair, and there was happiness... in his eyes, his smile, and his grip on Hongbin's hand. It wasn't unanswered. Hongbin was mirroring all of it. His dimples weren't shy, nor was the adoration gleaming in his eyes. He laughed. Taekwoon laughed too.

He didn't notice, but Jaehwan was on the brink of tears.

"Maybe we should walk back a little slower," he said.

"I think we should get more coffee. I need the energy."

The two agreed with one another and slowly, they turned around.

---

"Can I hold your hand, hyung?" 

Taekwoon blinked. Hongbin had offered his hand. He looked at it and as he felt his ears warm, he wiped his palms on his shirt. He nodded and received the other's hand. They started walking.

"...hyung?"

"Hm?"

"I really, really love you."

Taekwoon stopped in his steps. His heartbeat quickened.

"I want to get better. I want to pour out my heart and get better so we can do this," he lifted their connected hands, "at our own leisure and at our own time. Outside. In a park. In a cafe. At a concert. By the beach. Just..."

"...not here."

Hongbin nodded. He held Taekwoon's gaze and waited. He was nervous.

What if hyung doesn't feel the same way? He likes to be alone. He expresses his emotions differently. He- Maybe he likes it better here. What if he likes it better here? Will he not want to come with me? Will he... leave me? No. No, he wouldn't. If I get better and get discharged... will I have to leave him? I don't want-

"...me too."

Hongbin was processing.

"Hyung..."

"...I know. I'm in a worse situation than you are. I might- I might not like it when my family meets me again. I- I could hate it when my mum nags about me not talking. I could... I could shut them out again. I- but I want to try. I want to... for this," he raised their hand as Hongbin did.

The smile on his face was a little sad but Hongbin saw it as a sign of hope. He returned the smile with a much wider one and Taekwoon couldn't help it. He grinned as well. He linked their fingers and wrapped them around one another. They were warm. He was warm. He was elated but clueless on how to express it. He was a foreign being in this area.

"I love you, Lee Hongbin."

For the longest time, Taekwoon considered himself to be timid. His mind was adventurous but his body was not. They don't communicate well. He would always feel shy first. He would always learn how to mask it better, thinking it was unattractive of him to blush, to hunch his shoulders in order to retreat into himself. Today, he didn't feel as shy. Today, he didn't think it was unattractive. Today, he was in love.

He was in love with a shy, blushing Hongbin, who had an arm covering a part of his face. 

"...what the hell? That totally caught me off guard."

"Y-you're blushing. You rarely... blush. Are you... shy? You've heard me say it before..." Taekwoon was confused but happy.

"That doesn't mean anything. I've heard you say it but you weren't looking at me... and holding my hand, and- stop smiling."

But who would? It was a good day. They were both feeling emotions they haven't felt before, at least not to this degree, and they were together.

"...today feels different, doesn't it?" 

Hongbin let his arm down. Taekwoon was looking up at the sky. He followed the other's gaze, then lowered it. He couldn't take his eyes off of him. A happy, smiling Taekwoon shining under the bright sun is something else. It does feel different, he thought.

Something caught Hongbin's eyes then. Letting go of Taekwoon's hand, he rushed to a nearby bush and plucked a flower. Walking back, he made Taekwoon stay as he was, unmoving. He placed the flower on the elder's ear and inspected his look. He smiled and nodded in approval. Taekwoon stood in silence.

"Today does feel different, hyung. You're much brighter and more yourself, and this flower makes it all better."

---

"What is taking them so long?" Hakyeon stomped on the carpeted floor.

He paced a little in front of the automatic door, far enough to not trigger it open. He was sure it had been a while since Wonshik and Jaehwan left to get coffee. What would be holding them up, he wondered. The staff pantry on this level was just a little further away from the hallway, towards the end. Unless they were going the long way around, they would've been back by now. But they weren't. He opted to go find them. 

Just as he walked past the door and the long hall windows, he heard laughter.

It shouldn't shake him as much, but it's been a while since he's heard such a thing in this part of the wing. The asylum had been having trouble discharging people for the past few months, seeing how the majority of the patients... relapse more often lately. He turned to see who it was and his knees grew weak. Out of all people, it was Jung Taekwoon.

Hongbin was animatedly talking about something amusing and Taekwoon was giving all of his attention to the story. He laughed again. Hongbin looked proud with what he had helped do. He was smiling, listening to the Taekwoon's laughter.

Hakyeon propped himself up against the wall. He came closer to the window.

"The sun looks good on you both," he smiled weakly. 

"I'm sorry we're late!"

Hongbin struggled against the slow, automatic door with Taekwoon in tow. They were panting. They had lost track of time so they ran back.

"It's fine, it's fine. Here, coffee."

Hongbin accepted the cups and gave one to Taekwoon. He took in the amazing smell and smiled. He sipped on it carefully and nodded. His mouth always agrees with coffee. Looking up, he realized someone was missing. 

"Where's Dr. Cha?" He asked quietly.

"He... had something to attend to. I have to leave soon as well so why don't we get you two back to your rooms?"

"...are you going home too, Jaehwan?"

For the first time, Taekwoon felt sad knowing everyone had to go. Of course, he knows everyone eventually leaves to resume with their lives... but he never noticed them... leaving. Maybe he wore a look that earned it because Jaehwan gave out an amused giggle. He coyly pointed at the other and made an embarrassed face.

"You want me to spend the night, Taekwoon? So naughty!"

The others laughed. Taekwoon gave the tiniest of pouts. Hongbin snorted.

"Alright, alright. Let's have Jaehwan hyung walk back with us. That way, you'll get to see him more," Wonshik smirked.

Taekwoon was embarrassed. He walked back to the elevator with Hongbin in tow. The other two followed, amused.

---

"Soju, please."

"...without any chicken? You'll get a stomachache, hyung."

Hakyeon looked up. Hyuk.

"I'll recommend you the spicy chicken stew. It's a favorite pair with the soju. Bitter and spicy, just like life!" He jotted down and walked away.

"Wait-"

He sighed. He had no energy to do anything. He felt defeated. Whatever, he thought. 

Somewhere in the joint, someone laughed. Hakyeon could hear them. He could hear them talk about how funny the movie they watched was. He could imagine them walking out of the cinema laughing and enjoying each other's company. He could smell the popcorn they ate and had crumbs off on their clothes. He could picture Taekwoon... and Hongbin... walking out of the cinema, talking and laughing, popcorn bucket still in hand. He could picture them enjoying life.

He could picture his brother enjoying life.

There he was, sitting across him, face animated as he focused on his mobile game. There he was, asking for a refill of his daikon because he had finished them before the main course even came out. There he was, nagging at how Hakyeon has a habit of staring at him and how it was gross. There he was... and there he wasn't.

Just as he was about to bang his head on the table, frustrated, Hyuk caught his forehead.

"Whoops! That's where we put the food, sir, not your head," he beamed sarcastically. 

He put the steaming bowl down and set the table with the side dishes. Kimchi, daikon, and mung beansprouts. Soju came last... next to it, Hyuk set down a tall bottle of cold water, a glass and a shot glass. Hakyeon eyed him tiredly. 

"For every three shots of soju, drink one glass of water. Boss' instructions. He can't lend the place tonight. He needs to prepare it for his niece's birthday tomorrow. No pass-outs. I'll be monitoring you, hyung. Cheer up!"

And he left. What a pain today is, Hakyeon sighed. 

---

"I'm sorry he lashed out at you earlier. He was... having a day."

"It's okay... I can't read the mood sometimes. No, I refuse to read it sometimes."

"...that's an interesting way of putting it."

"I'm an interesting person," Jaehwan winked.

"You're unbelievable," Wonshik chuckled.

They averted their eyes to the screens. The two had settled down in their own rooms for the night. Both Wonshik and Jaehwan were confident they'd ask to be together tonight after the whole moment they had in the garden. Maybe they need some time to think things through alone this time, they thought.

"I'm glad they're doing well."

Wonshik nodded in agreement.

"You know... I can't imagine what it's like to be you two. Doctors, in general, have patients too, some short-term and some long-term. Of course, they'd get attached to some patients, don't they? Especially the long-term ones. When they get better, they leave. What does it feel like when they get discharged?"

"I bet they'd feel sad... but also proud that they've made it through."

"Agreed... but see, patients in surgical hospitals are different. Patients in rehab centers are different. Patients in asylums are different. The levels of... the intensities are surely different, aren't they? When you get your patients discharged, what does it feel like?"

Wonshik thought for a while. He wondered.

"I don't know. Hakyeon hyung and my expertise are in this area, Phase 2. We usually deal with the tantrums, the panic attacks, the physical manifestation of distraught, all the horrible things. When they respond to the sedatives and medicine enough to not depend on it to calm down, they get transferred to the recuperation level. For years now, we've had very little contact with the transferred patients. It's just the rules. So technically, even if we do feel attached, we have time to get over it as they are left in our healer's hands."

"Healers?"

"Ah, we call them healers. They're psychiatrists too, but more the counseling type. Not too handsy, if you know what I mean. Their dominion is the recuperation level. If it's anyone, they'd get the most attached to the patients before they discharge. It's harder to let go as you help someone ride their first bike after seeing how happy they were riding on training wheels," he said solemnly, looking at the other.

They let the silence take over for a bit. 

"This case, however, is different. This year, we've been authorized to take over a new procedure. Hyung had done the research for years, and finally, he proposed it to the main branch last spring. They gave him the green light. Then Taekwoon came. He was the perfect fit. Hyung took him under his care and added him as the pilot subject. He got me in it and assigned me with Hongbin, who came in shortly after. Surprise, surprise, he was just right for the pick too."

There was a smile on Wonshik's face. Jaehwan was confused. Nowhere in this conversation does a smile has a place. But there it was.

"Maybe this time... we'll feel what the healers have been feeling for years. Because we've got full authorization, we'll be handling both their cases all on our own. We take them in, help them find themselves, and hopefully, return them to the wild. I wonder how it'll be..."

His tone was somber.

"...what do you mean by 'the perfect fit' when you talked about Taekwoon?"

"He's got everything Hakyeon hyung needs."

"...what's that?"

"The shadow of a brother."

---

"Hyung! I told you, three shots go with a glass of water. And finish your side dishes! You'll get an upset stomach, I swear to god."

"Oh stop nagging, will you? It's my second bottle. I'm perfectly fine. I get drowsy at three and full-on drunk on the fifth. No, I don't plan on getting a fourth, okay? Just three. Enough for me to sleep without having to hear all this," he gestured to his head.

Hyuk eyed the elder suspiciously.

"So you drank five bottles the other day? Damn. Alright then, I'll bite. Why are you relying on booze to sleep? What's... 'all this' that you keep hearing? Can you talk to ghosts?" He sat across Hakyeon.

Averting his eyes, the elder huffed to his side. He took a shot and bit into a daikon slice. 

"It's work. It's nothing for you to worry about."

Hyuk had been there before. He remembered the monitors and two particular patients. He remembered how Wonshik had worried for them. He remembered and wanted to ask... but he didn't.

"I'm sorry about that night. I never got to say it. I'm not usually one to waste myself like that, but I had... I had a hiccup at work."

"...it's okay. I get it."

Remembering how the night went, Hyuk braved himself. I have to ask, he decided.

"...do you remember that night?" He started.

There was clear hesitation in voice, Hakyeon realized. He was being careful. Counselors are the same when they're asking about something they're not sure of. They don't know if the question will serve as a stepping stone in the patient's journey, or set them back. So they hesitate. Hakyeon set his glass down and looked at the other straight in his eyes. He knows something he shouldn't.

"No. Do you...?" He tried.

"...I wasn't drunk-"

"So you do. What did I say?" His question was blunt.

"...you don't remember anything at all? I don't- I don't think it's my place to say it..."

'You were enough,' echoed somewhere in the back of Hakyeon's head. A memory.

"...you were enough."

"W-what?" Hyuk stuttered.

"You told me something..."

Am I brave enough to lie to a psychiatrist? I might, but do I dare? Why would I lie? I want to know. A flash of Hakyeon's crying face surfaced in his mind. He could hear the sobs. He remembers.

"...and so did you."

Haneul. I talked about him. I don't talk about him. Why would I? To a total stranger too. Maybe Wonshik had started it... no. He's a lightweight, he passes out after half a bottle. Jaehwan? Still very much a stranger, regardless of the many hours of us talking for the past few days. Why would I talk about him?

"...hyung?"

"Don't call me that," he snapped.

There it was again. 'I'm not your hyung... I can never be anyone's hyung because I'm useless.' It's the same thing, thought Hyuk. Does he say that out of guilt or does he really feel that way? I need to know.

"You said the same thing that night. Useless, you said. Why would you be useless? You help people, and from what I hear, some people are actually getting better because of you-"

"Stop."

There was a ring in his head. There was a pounding somewhere, but he couldn't focus enough to pinpoint it. 

"Ring this up, please. I'll leave," he stood, clutching on the side of this head.

Unable to say anything in response, Hyuk got to the cashier, rounded up the bill and watched Hakyeon walk out the door. His boss, a whopping six feet of a guy with the gentlest smile, gave him a nod from behind the counter. Hyuk was allowed 10 minutes. He smiled and followed the other out.

"Hyung, wait."

"Don't. Call me that."

Pressing the base of his hand on his temple, Hakyeon sat on a nearby bench. It was barely 9 pm and he was half drunk with a throbbing pain in his head. Pathetic, he scoffed. Hyuk said beside him and he glued his eyes to his shoes. I can't look at him.

"I'm going to be very blunt with you."

So much for not looking at him. Hakyeon found the younger's eyes. They seemed concerned.

"That night, only Wonshik hyung passed out. Jaehwan hyung was drunk, but not enough to keep him from talking. He said something about a friend abroad that seemed a lot like him. I don't know who he meant, but he was troubled. He kept saying he was wrong as if he was guilty of something. Then you came about... and you talked about..."

"...my brother. Haneul is my brother."

"...do you remember?" Hyuk tried gently.

Hakyeon shook his head. 

"I just remember you... saying 'you were enough'. I remember my eyes feeling bloated the next day. I know I sometimes cry when I get too drunk, but I didn't think I'd actually say anything..."

"You didn't say much. You just kept... apologizing. Regretting about not being there and not being the brother... your brother would've wanted. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have indulged... but I'm used to helping my grandmother with her... issues and it's always helped when I play pretend with her. I'm sorry..."

His shoulders are tense, Hakyeon thought. He watched as Hyuk turned away and played with the hems of his waiter's apron. Guilt? No. There's something I'm not seeing, he evaluated on his own.

"...it's okay. You meant well, didn't you? I'm sorry I snapped at you just now. I was... suddenly remembering things and panicking...," he sighed, "look, sometimes... I get triggered by the smallest things revolving around the issue of... my brother. It's been two years and I just- maybe it's guilt. Maybe it's regret. I never really understand it. I try to... but it's easier to help others sort their thoughts and feelings than it is to sort mine. So... I've been running away from it. It's not very... professional of me, I know."

He rubbed the back of his neck and gave the other a tired laugh. His headache was going away.

"You're not your own patient, so it makes sense. It happens. I was just... worried. You know... I don't have any siblings. My parents separated when I was little and my mum took me when she moved to Japan. Getting into high school, I moved back here to take care of my grandmother. For years now... I haven't felt like a kid. Everyone treats me like one... but I've never felt like it. I never had time to be one."

Turning to the other, Hyuk gave Hakyeon the sincerest of smiles and rested his hand on the elder's shoulder.

"But since I met you guys... it's like... I've had siblings all my life. One night I was alone and the next... I wasn't. One night I only had to care for myself and the next... I had to learn how to deal with drunken hyungs, change their clothes...," he chuckled, recalling the memory, "...I learned to lean on them... I felt happy going to work knowing one of you would just drop by or call me for delivery. For the first time, I don't mind being called a kid," he flashed a smile.

There it was again. Another hefty punch to his heart. It was different from when he watched Taekwoon and Hongbin earlier. It was different from when he thoughtlessly snapped at Jaehwan when he was only trying to cheer him up. Those were... of regret, guilt. This is longing. I know it is... but why and for what? He wondered.

He didn't know what made him do it, but his hand reached the younger's face and his thumb fervently ran on his cheek. A kid.

Not one for affectionate gestures, Hyuk almost jumped. But he didn't. Instead, he let it sit. He tried to pick at the feelings washing over him at the moment. Only his mum had ever touched his face with such gentleness. Granny's too much of an old brute that she prefers big hugs and head pats. There was something warm blanketing him. He sneaked a small smile.

Hakyeon took his hand back. He curled his fingers. 

"I don't know about you... but I'd worry if I suddenly get adopted by a bunch of troublemaking hyungs like us," Hakyeon laughed.

"...two doctors and a caretaker? Oh please, I cause more trouble than all of you combined!"

"Oh boy... you don't know the half of it, kid. Stick with us and you'll get tired eventually," he shook his head, standing to leave.

"Will you be okay? Are you taking a taxi? Should I call Jaehwan hyung?"

Hakyeon thought for a while. I should apologize.

"I'll take a taxi. Don't worry, I'll call him... and Hyuk, thanks. Thanks for the other night, and thanks for tonight. You're good at this. If you ever feel like venturing into the medical field, I'll help you out. You'd make a great therapist."

With a wave, the elder flagged down a taxi and disappeared into the night.

"Why the hell is he acting cool all of a sudden? Weird hyung," Hyuk laughed, walking back to his job.

---

"Next week. I'll ask them next week."

Hongbin paced around a little before heading to one of his shelves. Immediately, he found the navy-colored hardcover notebook. He flipped through the pages and counted the remaining empty ones. Less than half of the book was still empty. He stared at an empty page while his mind did the math.

I need three sections, he decided. He divided the pages into three, marked the beginning page of each section and thought hard again. How should I organize this? He seemed to wonder. Obtaining a pen from his desk, he bit the end nervously and shrugged himself off. I'm just going to write it.

"My bucket list," he began.

What kind of flower is this? Taekwoon thought to himself.

It wore a dark shade of pink, almost purple swirls in the middle, where several filaments poke out and drape across the five, wide petals. They were a lighter shade of pink, the edges a little crumpled to the tip. It looks almost tropical, but not enough since it grows here, in the further regions of the country.

For some reason, Taekwoon wished it was morning. He wanted the blinds up, where he can see the mountains again. Located a little further away from the city, the asylum made sure the patients see more trees, flowers and fewer people. By bus, it only had to be 30 minutes away from the edges of the city. With a car, it'd be lesser. 

If I were to leave this place... where would I go? He wondered. 

"...not home, that's for sure," he whispered.

Home. What is home for me? Thoughtlessly, he looked across the hall, hoping the other would sense him.

Standing up, he rummaged through the small pile of paper on his desk. Finding two pieces of the thickest of them all, Taekwoon placed them in between the middle of a book and laid his flower there. He neatly arranged the petals so they wouldn't overlap too badly. With a bit of hope, he closed the book and placed it under several other books.

"I hope it comes out nicely..."

---

A/Note:
 

I haven't slept. This is the 45th hour.
I had a burst of energy and a sudden epiphany on what to write
so there you go. I've already drafted the next chapter.
Something's come over me.

s e n d  h e l p