Soyu wanted to untuck her bangs from beneath the black sunhat but kept her hands in her lap and bit back a sigh. It was one thing to be dressed up to dance and play pretend for a little bit, but modeling wasn’t really her forte and she hadn’t expected to be included in the concept teasers — not that many of her photos would actually be used, which made it more of a waste of time and effort to get her dressed and made up.

She waited patiently while one coordi-eonni waved the ends of her hair and another finished applying mascara to her false lashes. Basically, her look for the day was softer, more casual version of her attire from the music video.

“Your eyelashes are really long so you don’t even need heavy false lashes.” The stylist seemed so fascinated and nudged the other girl, “Look, eonni. Taeyeon-ssi would be jealous, she always talks about how she wishes he had longer natural lashes.”

“Taeyeon?”

The other coordi smoothed out the ends of Soyu’s hair that she was waving and peered around the side of her face before nodding and chattering like a schoolgirl with her colleague.

Taeyeon? Jealous of her? Soyu wanted to laugh. It didn’t comfort her or offer any sense of triumph that her eyelashes were enviable.

She sat until her lashes were brushed and coated and lifted to its maximum featheriness and her lips had been painted to gradient perfection. Given the “okay” from the coordi-eonnis, Soyu got up from her seat and draped the loose-knit cardigan over her shoulders as she moved for the door. The gait of her stride was more gradual yet fluid, almost catwalking to the door because she could agree that she looked pretty good.

It wasn’t much of a surprise that the extra coordinators who had been doing her makeup and organizing her attires had been SNSD’s — because clearly, they were good at what they did — but their remarks about Taeyeon made her feel alienated all over again.

That sense of unbelonging was a clouding reminder that she had been delusional to agree to work with EXO, but the teaser photoshoot was her last official task under SM.

So she'd smile and play her role once more.

She gave the mirror a final fleeting glance and decided that she wasn’t quite feeling or looking like herself anyways; she was somewhat convinced of her own portrayal of her “star” persona, so that could only mean fooling anyone else was easy, right?

Her dress was made with a simple, flowy material and had a sweetheart neckline and snap buttons all the way down the front; the accompanying pair of ankle boots were lacy and wedged, hardly more than two and a half inches tall.

From head to toe, she was dressed in black and the only splash of color came from the cherry red of her lips.

The sunhat (and cardigan) definitely gave her the classy-casual kind of look and Soyu found herself wanting to buy one but brushed the thought aside as she made her way one door over from her dressing room and knocked.

There was a faint “Soyu-ssi?” in the midst of other sounds and conversations before the door was opened by Xiumin. He looked pleasantly surprised and greeted her with a smile.

“Hello again. You look really nice.”

Soyu gave a short bow. “You too, oppa. I can come in now, right?" In front of non-cosmetic professionals, she suddenly felt self conscious again and tugged the cardigan closer together on her shoulders.

“Ah, yeah.” He moved and beckoned her inside.

EXO’s changing room wasn’t as busy as Soyu had expected, but it was bustling regardless, several members still getting final makeup touches, some getting paired and paired again with different accessories; the others sat on their phones or engaged in quiet conversations with each other (while Tao took a moment to admire his reflection and took a handful of mandatory selcas).

When she stepped in the room, she was greeted by some (friendly) catcalls, some “oaah’s,” a wolf whistle — courtesy of Park Chanyeol — and innocently approving glances; even EXO’s coordinators appeared a bit impressed with the display. Who seemed most impressed of all though, was Baekhyun who gawked from the other side of the room in a less-than-discreet fashion, and though she outwardly ignored it, Soyu couldn’t help but think that sometimes, he was still incredibly awful at controlling his facial expressions.

One can’t openly admire a woman like this when he has a girlfriend.

There was no harm in playing up her last role a bit early so she let the cardigan slide off before slinging it over one shoulder and turned to the side a little and cast one of the typical modelesque gazes down towards the ground.

Within seconds it was received with an uproar of laughs and clapping and another catcall or two and those few seconds were as long as Soyu could manage to hold the pose for before she hid her face in her hand, spinning around to face the door despite the visible shake of her shoulders in her own embarrassed laughter.

“Alright, take a seat, Soyu-ssi.” It was Chanyeol’s voice and Soyu found herself being maneuvered towards the sofa and being almost involuntarily seated beside D.O. who briefly acknowledged her with a polite bow of his head and looked back down to his phone.

“Probably busy studying up on his script.” Soyu noted his unwavering work ethic with slight envy, but then she remembered that to be in the industry, that amount of dedication was a basically a standard requirement to survive — or at least to actually make a decent living.

Another reason her contract was only so temporary.

There was a sink in the couch beside her as Chanyeol took a seat between her and Kyungsoo to mandatorily swat and poke at him before the retaliation proved too much and he heaved a sigh of defeat.

"Are you ready for your last project with EXO?" He grinned at her expectantly.

Soyu appeared to mull over it for a moment, giving him a lazy shrug; it apparently wasn’t an answer that appeased him and he gave her a nudge with his shoulder.

“Or are you worried that you’ll miss us too much?” It was a question that was half teasing, half honest curiosity, Soyu could tell.

She exhaled slowly, scanned her nails and contemplated her selection of words. “I’ll miss you all but I don’t think I’d be up for another job like this.” She glanced back up at Chanyeol with a somewhat sheepish grin.

Naturally, his first instinct was to pout at her — which he did in full — and Soyu had to resist the urge to roll her eyes or punch him in the arm. Instead, she nudged him back.

“You know I’m not cut out for this kind of work,” she corrected herself with a dry laugh, “you know I’m not cut out for work at all.” The tight draw of her lips and glance out the corner of her eye was telltale of other reasons, too.

In that, Chanyeol took minor comfort. His concern over the probability that Soyu really had forgiven Baekhyun had remained, incessant and on the verge of irritating. Whereas Soyu still carried enough uncertainty around in her pockets, Baekhyun was perhaps wrapped up in his own ideals and affairs.

Chanyeol knew Baekhyun well enough to be able to differentiate his anxiousness, his excitement — knew the subtle shifts in persona and composure, how the quickening of his heart rate would be projected on his features, and he hadn’t seen it more than a handful of times but he knew that look of earnest — earnest and outstretching yet unsure affection; it withheld a shy adoration, but without discretion.

He couldn't help but spare a glance at Baekhyun, who appeared awfully busy tapping away at his phone (and Chanyeol hoped, “he better just be trying to beat my SuperStar SMTown score”).

But apparently he wasn’t because he stopped and met Chanyeol’s gaze, even peeling his hand away to give him a small, straight-faced wave. With Soyu’s attention still trained on him, it would be obvious that he was still very much aware of her feelings (hidden or not) about Baekhyun. But then Baekhyun had already caught him looking, so he was obliged to at least return with an awkward nod.

Soyu followed his line of sight and Baekhyun’s waves were suddenly accented with enthusiasm. She shot him a sassy raise of an eyebrow and stiffly waved back, looking entirely unsure in a “what does this fool want now?” sort of way.

As they turned back to each other, Soyu and Chanyeol simultaneously cleared their throats though Chanyeol was the only one who looked as if he actually had something to say. More likely than not, it was probably something important because at that moment, the coordinators were announcing (with uncanny timing) that everyone was finally set to be photographed. Appropriately, he looked like a puppy that had been denied attention and gently nudged aside.

Almost everyone rose immediately at the prospect of no longer having to be at the mercy of foundation brushes, eyeliners and metal accessories in the cramped space. Most of them were cheering, some hollering and clapping (basic prep work, really — photoshoot or otherwise) and Baekhyun seemed particularly eager to get to work; he nearly bounded to the door with a cheerful “let’s go~”

He stood there expecting the others (primarily Soyu) to follow suit, but Soyu and Chanyeol waited for Kyungsoo to close down everything on his phone before finally leaving the couch.

“D.O-ssi, aren’t you getting too into character?” Soyu grinned at the vocalist.

Maybe it had been subconscious because Kyungsoo’s brows raised almost instantaneously, like he had been caught off guard. “Hm?”

“Your expression was so serious,” her laugh was always so weightless, “you should save it for the photoshoot though.”

Even just hearing it from the entrance of the room, every soundwave resonated into the thought that Soyu had a real laugh, whether just from her bantering or whenever she doubled over at his antics; it was also because she never laughed unless she meant it.

As for smiling though, that’s an entirely different story.

“Kyungsoo always looks serious.” Chanyeol mused and ducked to the other side of Soyu to avoid Kyungsoo’s fist. Baekhyun wanted to ‘tsk’ because “imagine if Chanyeol had that kind of agility when it came to dancing.”

“Have you modeled before, Soyu-ssi?” D.O was smoothing the front of his blazer as they approached the door.

“Me? No, I’m actually a bit camera-shy.” Her smile was a tad sheepish as she adjusted her cardigan on her shoulders, like the mention of having her picture taken made her feel overexposed.

“But you always look good in them. Remember that one——” Baekhyun almost interjected. He liked taking selcas, maybe not as zealously as Chanyeol (and no where near Tao’s level), but he took quite a few and had dragged Soyu into the frame enough times.

The group was at the doorway beside him then and his stare met with Soyu’s. Her smile grew exponentially awkward, as if, still, she could detect it whenever Baekhyun’s reminiscing revolved around her.

He either didn’t notice or pretended not to by the way he slung his arm around her and practically walked her out rather than with her and the remaining counterparts of the sofa trio.

“I’m sure you’ll do fine.” Baekhyun affirms with the casualness of a parent assuring their child about their test.

Chanyeol had to gather all his self control to not pull Soyu under his own arm and go off on Baekhyun about waking up and learning to be less fickle; even Kyungsoo was taken slightly aback by the action but he decided against lecturing his hyung about skinship and faithfulness, least of all in front of a woman.

A woman who, considering the subject, epitomized irony.

Flash.

It was the dozenth or so — probably more — but Soyu was finally adjusting to smiling, opening her eyes a certain width and angling her body x degrees while handicapped by blindness.

No one else was nearly as debilitated as she was (if at all), but modeling still wasn’t quite as difficult as she’d anticipated. Watching Kai, Luhan and Suho being photographed first caused the reality of the situation to seep in and strike an internal panic, but her emergency mental-coaching seemed to have worked.

A session of self-counseling later, and luckily being called forth with Sehun (with reliable tips from the maknae and the other EXO members on the side), she’d managed alright. She told herself to imagine it as dancing without as much motion, because looks got just as intense or passionate and sometimes even dreamy as those used in photos. That was the most of it really.

It was dancing — projection and execution using only facial expression.

It helped that she developed a level of comfortableness with Sehun, having had to film with him. The photographer had commented that she was wholly ideal for the concept as soon as she’d emerged (not at all fulfilling of the stereotypical uptight, elitist and very possibly flamboyant photographer she had expected); it put her at ease, to an extent.

Once she’d gotten into her element, she let the dancer persona take control of her body, positioning herself and shifting with collectedness, the subtle, deliberate slowed draw of limbs. She posed with feline grace, and it worked.

They alternated between rooms, settings, lightings, solo shoots, some in groups, then Soyu paired with different members before she had her own individual set; after that, it was back to rotating through members and small groups.

When Baekhyun was finally called to stand next to Soyu, it was then that her composure began to slip. She took to enjoyment in smiling for the camera — because hell, she’d probably never look so good again, might as well make it worthwhile and the pictures would be out for everyone to see anyways — and having to stand with Chanyeol as her armrest and then sitting back to back with Tao on a classy (and very expensive-looking) loveseat with what were ridiculously sultry expressions for her was actually somewhat refreshing.

Until he was next to her, Soyu had nearly forgotten that “being apart of an EXO concept shoot” didn’t exclude Baekhyun.

He stepped to her side, breathing out a small huff of air as the photographer and his assistant discussed with the managers.

“I never thought you’d look so happy in front of a camera.” The sudden remark itself didn’t startle Soyu, but rather the solemn fondness laced into his words was what daunted her.

There was another flash — not of the camera, but staggering nostalgia. All those stupid pictures he’d made her take suddenly displayed themselves one after the other like a film roll in her mind. Beyond making memories, pictures were proof of memories and the phantom of her phone burned where she usually kept it in the backpocket.

All the history that she’d unwilling saved — because she couldn’t bring herself to delete any of it until eventually, she let herself forget.

Her poise was suddenly burned away by shame, and that made her want to take back her apology, take back signing any contract, take back agreeing to speak with Manager Im, even take back her participation in the Hongdae flashmob.

Soyu didn’t even entertain the idea of a response because if she opened , the only thing that would spill out would be hysteria.

The photographer turned back to them and called out something she didn’t hear.

“Byun Baekhyun, you really never did know how to shut your mouth.”

It was the wrong kind of dramatic she was being paid for; she was in a professional environment so she put up her front with determination and a reminder of dignity, and easily enough, she let the corners of pull into more smiles while she turned and stood and sat this way and that.

Sure, she held hands and linked arms among other minor acts of skinship with the rest of the members, but even without really touching Baekhyun, every passing minute was taking a toll on Soyu’s sanity. As far as how that showed, though, there wasn’t a hint on her face that alluded to vexation — not a crease, not a twitch.

“Okay, now hold hands,” the photographer directed.

Soyu almost turned to Chanyeol to request across the set, “Oppa, can you do me a favor? Can you use your powers and burn me to ashes right now? If you can have D.O-ssi bury my remains, too, that’d be great.”

Any flare of her dark sarcasm was quickly snuffed when she saw Baekhyun move; he was hesitating, but more out of respect and regards towards her than for himself.

His hand was outstretched——

He’s holding out the gun.

Without choice, Soyu swallowed — her saliva, her feelings, her thoughts, the lump in — and placed her hand in his——

And she’s pulling the trigger.

When their fingers intertwined, Soyu really thought someone had shot her. Hand in hand and it felt as if it had never changed.

She wasn’t in love with him again.
She wasn’t forgiving him.

But the sting of Baekhyun’s skin against hers didn’t hurt any less.

That sting must have seeped into her and traversed to her eyes because there was something hot and humiliating pooling in them, and not even paramount effort would do anything to help Soyu; just the thought of breaking down in that time and place brought her closer to crying.

The photographer must have noticed the decline her in performance, too, because after a fraction of the number of shots anyone else had taken, he’d announced a break for water and makeup retouching. She didn’t even want to risk a glance at anyone else.

At least with how poorly she’d done, there would be minimal usage of the pictures of her and Baekhyun.

While trying to retain as little haste as urgency as possible, she rushed to grab a cup of water and tugged her lower lids down and swiftly soaked up the pooled moisture with the material of her cardigan.

She downed the cup like she was dying and there was the sound of people approaching behind her—— Chanyeol? Luhan? Xiumin? It definitely sounded like all three of them, and she was internally yelling about calming down and excuses for whatever was about to come.

“Soyu-ssi, your makeup needs the most retouching, you should come first,” out of the blue, someone else was tugging her by the arm.

Soyu whipped her head up, blinking to find one of the Girls’ Generation coordinators gently pulling her down the hall back to the dressing rooms.

“Working is a lot of pressure sometimes, huh?” The coordi said quietly. She sounded like a consoling older sister and Soyu hadn’t ever been so thankful in her life.

There was an ugly creak to Soyu’s voice when she spoke. “...yeah.”

Whereas Luhan and Xiumin were prepared to ask and comfort Soyu, Chanyeol already knew better, and whatever motherly instincts there were, he wanted to kiss the SNSD coordi-noona for pulling Soyu out of the room.

All lines had been crossed, redrawn, crossed again, and it was by some length of a miracle that Chanyeol had managed his silence for so long — and seeing the situation at hand, he realized that it had been too long.

He took a deep breath and another before he sauntered up to Baekhyun, hovering just behind him until Suho had finished making his point.

“Baekhyun, let’s talk after dinner.” Chanyeol murmured, just loud enough for Baekhyun to hear.

The latter turned around, face crossed with confusion and he even looked wronged, but for once, he didn’t actually say anything.

At some point, Soyu reappeared and naturally mingled with the members. Whatever had happened in the dressing room seemed (emphasis — “seemed”) to have worked because the shoot finished with nearly nonexistent apprehension, though it probably helped that the remainder of the set consisted of entire group photos, with and without Soyu and she was conveniently placed as far away from Baekhyun as possible.

For the first time since “joining” SM, Soyu backed out of an event of any sort.

Of course, she was invited to dinner because she worked just as hard as everyone else (harder, in reality) but all her sensibilities and her social capacity had been worn to threads. So she had declined with a smile, weariness evident and thanked them for the offer and for treating her so kindly; it was technically her last opportunity working with them but she couldn’t muster up a real appreciation speech.

She bowed fully before she walked away from the SM building though she’d see them at least once more to finalize her contract. Tired as she was, she didn’t go directly home — in fact, she’d made her way back to her neighborhood just to wander aimlessly for a number of hours.

It occurred once every blue moon — or never — but Chanyeol was lacking an appetite and he retired to his and Baekhyun’s room as soon as they had returned to the dormitory. It was even a special dinner that Kyungsoo was cooking to conclude the wrapup of the new MV and concept.

The members in the living room side-eyed one another when the door clicked shut; it was no mystery to any living being that something was horribly off.

“...should we check in on him?” Sehun was gnawing anxiously at his bottom lip and looked to Suho.

Suho thought for a long moment before breathing out a sigh. “No, just let him be for now.”

Most of them still looked concerned, but they put their faith in Suho’s better judgment and moved to settle on the couch or to help Kyungsoo in the kitchen.

Baekhyun stood and kind of just gawked, more or less, unsure what to think.

After all that had happened, Baekhyun couldn’t find any arousal of appetite and had consumed a mouthful or two of banchan and forked some of Kyungsoo’s kimchi spaghetti just for the sake of eating.

Perhaps stalling, too?

He absently conversed along and pushed the pasta around his plate. Needless to say, he’d finished before everyone else and excused himself.

Regardless of it being his room or not, Baekhyun raised his fist to knock on the door. A muffled sound came from the other side — a grunt or a groan, something not coherent words.

“...does that mean I can come in?” Baekhyun’s brow arched even with the wood between him and Chanyeol.

The same sound echoed again and he took it as a yes to push the door open. When he did, Chanyeol was practically reclined in the desk chair, almost resting his head on the actual desk itself, and so his body was actually facing the doorway.

Sure, there wasn’t much circulation since the door had been closed the entire time, but the thick quality of the air was stifling and unnatural. Maybe it was Baekhyun’s subconscious imposing on his imagination.

Chanyeol didn’t open his eyes and somehow that brought greater discomfort than if he was boring his gaze into Baekhyun, and Baekhyun had never found so much trouble in asking “what’s up?” but he eventually managed it with just the tiniest tremor in his voice. He couldn’t grasp his own trepidation; it was frustratingly intangible.

The silence seemed to span an eternity, and considering how suffocated Baekhyun felt, it really did him no favors. But when Chanyeol finally spoke, Baekhyun nearly choked on his own breath.

“Baekhyun, I think you need get your feelings sorted,” the low-bass timbre of his voice seemed to carry even more impact with its conflicted note; Chanyeol sighed heavily and sat up, “no, you just have to get it sorted out.”

Baekhyun snapped out of his illusion of helplessness with a twinge of irritation. “What?” He felt provoked — attacked, even.

He strode up to Chanyeol in three lengthy steps, “Park Chanyeol, who are you sitting here telling me to get my feelings sorted? What do I need sorted?”

You know exactly what. Why else are you so aggressive?

Chanyeol looked exasperated and distressed in stark contrast to… any other time. “You already know. Taeyeon-sunbae and Soyu.”

Baekhyun’s pulse spiked briefly as he threw his hands up and took a seat on his bed. “What is there to figure out?” He frowned over at the younger, “I’m with Taeyeon and…”

And?

“You know I——”

“——left Soyu because of Taeyeon in the first place.”

He couldn’t finish his sentence. He couldn’t ever.
So he clenched his jaw so hard he thought the top would mesh with the lower.

“Baekhyun, I know you’re with Taeyeon-sunbae. That’s the problem,” Chanyeol scooted his chair over to Baekhyun and rested a hand on his shoulder; for Baekhyun, it was like having a dozen bricks suddenly placed on him,

“Your heart’s not just set on only Taeyeon-sunbae.”

Baekhyun sat, crushed under the weight into a silence. It didn’t seem like he’d ever recollect his voice or thoughts, and when he spoke it was hushed yet venomous — and all the while — defeated, too; guilty.

“And what makes you think you know?” He stiffly swiped Chanyeol’s hand off of him.

Why wouldn’t he know? Chanyeol, out of all people.

Agitation was finally beginning to boil over and Chanyeol moved his seat back, away from the bed and he crossed his arms over his chest. For a moment, Baekhyun felt intimidated. By his own best friend. Or, his conscience was dominating his sanity.

“Byun Baekhyun.” Chanyeol looked utterly done, “I was here when you were with Soyu. I’m here now when you’re with Taeyeon-sunbae,” he ran a hand through his hair, “You look at Taeyeon-sunbae the way you used to look at Soyu,”

He stared at Baekhyun, “and now you’re looking at Soyu the way you look at Taeyeon.”

Baekhyun shot back up from where he was sitting and he tried to maintain as much self-control as possible, and he wasn’t yelling but he didn’t doubt that the other members would catch some of the sound, “And? What do you want to tell me, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol stood up as well albeit much more calmly, probably not to use his height as an advantage but it certainly had that effect. He continued to stare at Baekhyun as if searching, because in the room, it wasn’t Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Instead, they were two animals circling, growling, observing.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol drawled carefully.

The other just gazed back, eyes steeled, mouth set into a firm line. It didn’t seem like he was even blinking.

“It was lousy, what happened with Soyu. Don’t let it happen again with Taeyeon-sunbae,” he risked his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder again, “not even just because of the morality factor. I don’t want to see you being such a person. No one does,” he smiled just a bit, all exhaustion and melancholy, and he turned away towards the desk.

With new surprise and curiosity, Baekhyun felt his hostility waver while Chanyeol pulled open a drawer to the desk; what he actually rummaged for was obstructed by Chanyeol’s large frame.

“So, I think you should at least see this before you start leaning too much towards Soyu again.” He swiveled back around, arm out, holding…

A plaid print notebook.

Baekhyun opened his mouth to ask but Chanyeol simply pat him on the back once. “I’m gonna go eat dinner.”

And just like that, Chanyeol left Baekhyun alone in the room, who stood dumbfounded before settling back onto his bed.

An interval lapsed wherein Baekhyun just waited, clutching the journal. Even just holding it gave him premonition that it wasn’t anything pleasant.

He was shaking just brushing over the cover delicately, and when he thumbed open the first page he held his breath like he was plunging into ice.

But even if he had prepared himself to dive into the Arctic tundra, it wouldn’t have done anything for what he discovered.

And Chanyeol must have known or expected it because he did not enter the room again the entire night to see Baekhyun staining already previously-stained, dried, and therefore wrinkled pages with his own tears.

It was past 2AM and Soyu had already been in bed for countless hours, infinite hours.

It didn’t matter.

Without any sense of place or time, she’d automatically dragged herself home, showered, and then she got into bed to stare at the bleak emptiness of her ceiling, and she just kept on looking and looking.

There was no consistent train of thought, just passing rambles of “why am I like this?” and “this isn’t me,” “what’s going on? Have I just fantasized the last month?”

When the clock hit 2:47AM, that was also when the reality of herself hit:

She wasn’t empty, not like the vast whiteness of the ceiling, she was polar opposite — she had so much emotion, too much of it that she had unhealthily and borderline addictively hoarded.

Realization was like the opening of a floodgate and the tears just started streaming, ever-fresh stripes of sheen down her face. Soyu screamed soundlessly, so hard that ached and she thought she might never speak again.

But through the thundering tsunami inside her head, she made a decision without even thinking it.

“All these tears that I’m letting go now. You are all my tears

and I’m finally

letting all of you ago.”

(By the time Soyu was regaining her full senses the sun was already peering above the horizon.

She stayed on that side to watch dawn creep up on the world, but she grew impatient and tossed over to the other side to sigh into the cotton.

“Man, what a waste, I just washed this pillow case a few days ago, too.”)

I know this went way past the 12 hours I promised, but it also didn't hit the 24 hour mark! (I'm so sorry pls smack me) But hopefully this super long chapter makes up for it a little bit?

So, there you have the (unofficial) end~
I'm just publishing this now right after I finished, and I'll probably take the time to actually polish this chapter after I get the epilogue up. Until then, feedback would be especially useful for this chapter.

No Room for Forgiveness awaits it's true conclusion in the epilogue:
What were all the things that Baekhyun saw? Where is Soyu left with Baekhyun, Chanyeol, or EXO as a whole?
[epilogue coming soon]