The day was bright outside his window, the sun had risen long ago, but he didn't feel like moving. Inside him it was dark. He didn't get the relation between the word 'blue' and a sad mood, when the accurate colour to describe the horrendous way he felt was more on the line of a deep, mossy grey.

The kiss he had given Sandeul the night before was still stinging in his lips, but it didn't feel right, like he thought it would. Baro couldn't erase the memory of his face, taken off guard, bordering scared, obviously confused. He felt cheap.

He had spent the night writing long messages just to erase them as soon as he finished them, saying he was sorry, that he didn't mean it. But he couldn't say that, because he did mean it. He meant to touch him at the movies and he meant to kiss him and he meant to do it again if he could. So he couldn't lie. Anyway, he was sorry for making him feel uneasy.

“Of course he doesn't like me that way” he had said, and Gongchan had replied, full of confidence “He does, he just doesn't know. Give him time”

But time was something he couldn't give, wouldn't give. The anxiety was eating him alive. He always knew, deep inside, that he wasn't the bad boy everyone thought he was, but he didn't know he was this soft, this needy. Sandeul did bad things to him, and yet, he was the one who felt like apologizing.

“GAAAAAAHHH” he tugged his own hair, desperate.

Someone knocked on the door. He grunted, not bothering talking.

“Sunwoo, it's me. Noona” she announced as she opened.

“Come in” he dragged the words, as if it was difficult for him to speak.

“Dear lord, Sunwoo. Open the curtains would you? It's pitch dark here, you madman”

“There's enough light as it is”

“Right” she said, ignoring him and letting the light sink in, making his brother's eyes hurt “Mom wants you downstairs, today's your shift at the store, remember?”

“”

“Watch out”

“Sorry” Baro let out without meaning it “Can't you cover me up?”

“No, I've been working the whole week”

“Fine”

The boy didn't move. He closed his eyes back and covered his face with the pillow. His sister stared.

“Are you still there?” he asked after a while.

“Huh... yes?”

“I can't get ready with you here”

“You're acting weird. Don't think I haven't noticed” she accused him “You're not the same happy kid as every other day”

“I'm just tired”

“You just woke up”

“I'm growing up” he excused himself “Now leave so I can change”

She just sighed and closed the door behind her.

Just as she left, Baro grabbed a t-shirt and hurried into his pants. He scribbled a quick note for his mother and left it over his unmade bed. He put on a cap as he calculated the fall from his second store window to the front yard. It was worth a try.

So he closed his eyes and jumped.

***

If he was asked for a colour to describe his hyung, he would say orange. Maybe yellow. Something really bright and gleeful and energetic. Anyway, if someone who would never saw his brother before saw him that day, they would say he was gray, black even. Gongchan was messaging Jinyoung, still a little reticent to trust him, but willing to do so. Junghwan was quiet in his bed. The Skype alert tone beeped, a call from their parents.

“Hyung, it's mom and dad” he said, closing the window where his chat was open. Paranoid that somehow his parents might see it. Crazy, yes, but fear was something he couldn't control.

“Tell them I'm asleep” he replied, his voice apathetic.

“But hyung...”

“Just please”

“Okay” he wasn't dying to talk to them either, but he was in such a good mood that he could make an effort “Hello!” he said as he pressed the green button.

“Gongchan, good morning” said his mother at the other side of the screen “How are you?”

“Alright, how are you? How is Thailand?”

“It's nice here, you would've liked it” she said, his father sat down by his side and Gongchan checked the chat again, making sure it was closed “Where's your brother?”

“Asleep, he stayed late studying”

“Junghwan?” his father made a noise, the closest to a laugh he could manage “That's hard to believe”

“He's working hard” Gongchan said, the lie tasting funny in his mouth. He eyed his brother but he wasn't smiling as he should have. He was just there.

“We'll see when we get his grades. Same goes for you” warned his father, and his mother added, happily “We'll be going to our apartment today, we'll call you from there”

“Okay, bye”

“Bye sweetheart”

Sweetheart. That was funny. His mother had never called him that when they lived together, a couple days gone, and she was lovely. Really funny.

“That was weird” Sandeul said from his bed.

“Don't tell me” he went to sit by his hyung's side “Are you in the mood for breakfast? I'm hungry”

“Maybe”

“C'mon, you can stay bitter forever” Gongchan slapped his face softly “I bet you really want to eat something”

“I said maybe” Sandeul half smiled against his will

“What happened yesterday wasn't even that bad” he dared. He knew his brother didn't want to go there, but he had to try.

Junghwan looked at him, defeated “I don't know. It was, at least I think it was, doesn't it count for something?”

“But did you want it, hyung? Baro hyung to kiss you?”

Sandeul's face went red instantly, and he covered his face as he felt the heat rising to his cheeks. It was too much.

“Stop it, Channie. Please” he pleaded “Let's just eat, let's forget this”

Gongchan sighed “Okay, but hyung, you'll have to deal with this sooner or later”

“Later. After I'm dead hopefully” the oldest said, but he was only half joking.

***

They were eating when the bell rang. Gongchan looked at his hyung, Sandeul looked at him too, the staring contest didn't last long, and soon the oldest was on his way to the entrance, grumbling about his luck.

He opened the front door but there was no one there, only a bright green lollipop with a note attached to it, waiting on the floor for someone to pick it up.

Sandeul unfolded the note, the handwriting was bad, worse than his, but the message was clear.

“Next gift is waiting in the place where you can fly just by sitting.”

“Uhm... Chan-ah, help me here” Junghwan was beyond confused “What does this even mean?”

Gongchan read the note and smiled at how dumb his hyung was “It's clearly the swing set at the park. Are you planning on going?”

Sandeul looked at the lollipop on his right hand, then at the note on his lefty, knowing he had seen those letters before. They were Baro's. The candy screamed Baro, too. It was a dirty trick. He knew he would be curious.

“Yeah”

Gongchan gave him his best smile as he unwrapped the candy and shoved it into his brother's mouth “Good luck”

Junghwan gave a big at the apple flavored candy, hating himself for enjoying it so much, and walked out the door.

Baro saw him leaving the house and quickly hid behind the corner. Sandeul was wearing a hoodie two times too big for him , and baggy sweat pants, he looked so puffy in those clothes that it made Baro cringe.

He followed him down the streets, at first, he tried to be discrete, quiet, but as the time went by it was obvious Sandeul wasn't paying attention to anything besides the goddamned lollipop. Baro felt like maybe it wasn't a good idea giving him that, as he probably wasn't thinking about him at all.

Sandeul couldn't stop calling himself things. Stupid, silly, dumb, easy... he kept telling himself that the only reason he was doing this was because of the free food, and not because he wanted to see Baro. Because he didn't want to. Really.

He tried to focus on other things. One step, two steps, three, four, five, six, whatever came after that, and after that. The intense flavour of the candy, the warmth of his hoodie, anything that wasn't the fact that maybe Baro was waiting for him at the swing set.

He couldn't hide his disappointment when he reached the playground and he found it empty, families were probably having lunch, and Baro was nowhere to be seen. He saw only a balloon attached to a small box sitting in one of the swings. He ran to grab it, unaware of his friend watching him.

“I'm waiting where your family is.”

The boy reread the note, confused. What? Could it possibly be... Thailand? Sandeul shook his head. No, that wasn't it, not even Baro was so crazy to do something like that.

A memory came to mind. The candy shop, the day they met: “Even when you’re pouting, you look like a duck” There was a pond somewhere near in the park, but surely Baro wasn't comparing him to a duck when he was trying to make things better... right? He didn't have any other ideas though.

Sandeul bit his lip, not knowing what to do next. Wanting to find Baro, but not letting himself accept it. He opened the box and found four blue cupcakes inside, he groaned, suddenly mad at Sunwoo being so nice, and stuffed one into his mouth. He could barely munch but he didn't care, he needed to get the annoyance out of his body.

Unconsciously, he started walking towards the pond.

Sunwoo smiled when he saw Junghwan's mad expression as he opened the box. It was amusing to see. He was afraid of how things were going to work out, but he somehow felt relieved at seeing him acting in such a childish way. It made him long him even more.

He ran to the pond using an alternative path, making sure the boy was far behind him.

***

As soon as his hyung left, Gongchan grabbed his cellphone and texted Jinyoung. “Come over” was all he said, and he had replied with only a smiley face.

It didn't feel right to Gongchan to lie to his hyung, but he wasn't exactly lying. He was omitting the truth, or something like that. Besides, if Junghwan called and asked if there was someone with him, he was going to say yes, so it was perfectly okay. He just didn't want him to know Jinyoung was coming because he still seemed mad at him after what had happened.

And maybe he should, too.

But he really couldn't.

Not after the melody in guitar strings and the cheesy line you are the prettiest when you smile. Not after him knocking his door at one in the morning to explain his mistake and plead for forgiveness. Maybe he was being dumb, but he wanted to believe.

The expression his hyung had wore last night appeared before him; “That would have been convenient” It was amusing.

“He was being honest” he had said.

“Sure, just as he was being honest when he asked you out and was dating that girl”

“I trust him, hyung”

“And I thought you were smart”

“It's going to be fine”

“You're not going to listen to me, right? Fine, do whatever you want”

His hyung was never that severe, but he was having a bad day himself. Gongchan chose to stop thinking about it before it could make him too paranoid.

When Jinyoung arrived, he knocked instead of ringing, and Gongchan in what was maybe maybe too much of a hurry.

He invited him in, closing the door behind him.

“Hello” Jinyoung seemed embarrassed, none of the confidence of last night was there.

“Hi, hyung” Gongchan stared at his lips. Jinyoung stared back.

“Can I...?”

“Please”

So Jinyoung kissed him, and Gongchan thanked life for the existence of forgiveness.

“My hyung is not home” he said, trying to make it casual.

Jinyoung seemed unsure, afraid of screwing it up.

“Do you want to come to my bedroom?”

Jinyoung hadn't expect Gongchan to be this eager. And truly, he didn't know what he was expecting of himself, either, but this make up, touching chests under t-shirts, a little-too-heavy breathings session wasn't on the list. Gongchan had real muscles under his thin appearance, and as the kissing became more intense, the tracing over them with his fingers became slower; he wanted to make sure was feeling everything there was to feel.

“You're hot” he told him, and he immediately blushed, as he didn't mean it that way.

Gongchan laughed “Thank you?”

“No” he hurried “I didn't mean it like that. I mean, it's really hot here, I mean-”

“I get it, hyung” the boy assured him “Maybe you should take off your t-shirt”

Jinyoung gave him a smirk “I kind of like this side of yours. So wild”

Gongchan leaned over and whispered softly on his ear. Take it off. So Jinyoung did. The youngest started tracing lines over his stomach just as he had done before, but when Gongchan did it, Jinyoung felt it was ier, maybe because he seemed so focused, so fond of it. His eyes were eating him alive.

“You are hot, hyung” Gongchan said, cocky “And I mean it that way”

“Come here” Jinyoung called him, placing the boy over his lap, Gongchan wrapping his legs around him. Their pelvises were touching. Now the room was hot. “Kiss me”

***

The small box was crushed against his tummy, all the cupcakes inside of it now. Sandeul was walking slower as he approached the pond, thinking by the second this was a horrible idea. Had he wanted to kiss Baro? Yes. Did he want to kiss him now? Yes. Would he want to kiss him in the future? Probably. That was just a mess. He couldn't let that happen.

But he was walking towards it happening. And his desire to smile was undefiable.

He saw a lonely balloon under a tree, anchored to a rock to prevent it from drifting away. No Cha Sunwoo on sight. He sighed -relief? annoyance? tiredness?- and walked over to catch it.

It obviously had a note.

“Look up.”

He gulped before doing so, knowing what he was going to find sitting on the branches of the tree.

Baro was holding a basket and a third balloon. He smiled apolgectic at him, with a shyness Sandeul had never seen before.

“You came” he said.