Gongchan felt like a bad person.

His parents were waiting for the taxi that will take them to the airport, to other country, to a new life away from him, and all Gongchan could think about was Jinyoung.

He felt like he should feel bad. Like he should be already missing his parents, but he was really just counting the minutes for them to leave, and he was a bad person.

His brother was half asleep in the sofa, peacefully, like the situation didn’t bother him a bit, but for him the silence in the living room was so tense he felt like you could cut it with a knife. Probably his parents could read minds and knew what he was thinking about. Finally the doorbell rang.

“It must be the taxi” said his father and got up to open the door.

Gongchan shook his hyung, who seemed really upset to be awakened for the second time that morning.

“They’re leaving” he told him “Get up”

His mom hugged him first and then Junghwan and then their father shook hands with them. He was barely aware of them repeating the warning of flying to Thailand if they failed and then they were gone, just like that. The house was all theirs. The decisions were theirs. Their lives were actually theirs.

Gongchan couldn’t believe it.

“I’m going back to bed” his brother told him. And he should’ve done that, too, but he had a date later that day, and he didn’t think he could keep himself still enough to stay in bed even if he wanted to.

Jinyoung was going to pick him up at one thirty, they were going to have lunch together and they there were going to do whatever his hyung had planned for them to do. He was guilty of fantasising a hundred different scenarios –he wondered why, when he was never a dreamy person before- and humming silly love songs without even noticing he was doing it. He decided to make some breakfast to pass the time. Anything was better than overthinking a romance that didn’t even exist (yet, he reminded himself).

Gongchan took some pork belly out of the fridge and also some Korean beef, because he wasn’t really paying attention, and partly because he wasn’t sure of what he wanted to eat just yet. His phone beeped on the table.

It was the very first message he ever got from Jinyoung on his own phone and he giggled.

He laughed at himself for being so dumb; it was a childish behaviour, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help get all exited and giggly and foolish.

Jinyoung

Good morning! Are you awake?

I couldn’t keep sleeping >-<

Gongchan

Morning hyung! I’m making breakfast

Had to wake up early, my parents left this morning, remember?

Jinyoung

Oh right, I forgot hehe

Don’t eat too much, I don’t want you to ruin your appetite

I got a surprise for you! >///<

Gongchan

Tell me about it hyung! Would you?

Jinyoung

Aniyo! I want to see your cute face when you get surprised!

Think that I’m laughing devilish now. Hehehe.

Cute.

Gongchan knew his hyung thought of him that way but his stomach still flipped at the sight of the word. Also, how silly could the boy get? “Think that I’m laughing devilish now” Adorable. He had seemed so cool back then when they met in his locker, but he liked him better like this, he felt more comfortable, like he could be honest with him. It didn’t mean it didn’t give him the thrills to get near him, anyway.

Someone hung from his neck. His hyung.

“Chan-ah, what is it that smells so goooood?” he asked softly, Gongchan noticed that he was still sleepy, he was probably awakened by the smell.

“Pork belly and beef” he announced, proud “now wake up or you won’t eat, and set up the table hyung”

Sandeul let go of him, but he didn’t set up the table, he started looking through his little brother’s phone instead.

“Jinyoung hyung is a dork” he said after a moment

Gongchan turned around immediately, just to find him reading his texts

“Hyung!” he exclaimed “Don’t read those. And if like you weren’t a dork, too”

“I’m not like that” Sandeul defended himself “So cheesy”

“That’s what you say, but you should see yourself when you’re with Baro hyung”

Junghwan opened his eyes very big “What does he even have<< to do with this?” he asked, confused.

“Who you’re going out with today?”

“Baro” the oldest said “But I don’t see your point”

“Obviously”

Jinyoung was utterly excited.

He’d been preparing this date for days. Planning it since the day Gongchan told him his parents were leaving.

He didn’t know how to cook. But he did cook, for him. He had had Shinwoo on the phone for almost one hour and a half the night before to help him figure out the most basic things, but he finally did it, and it had turned out well. At least to his eyes.

He had to pick Gongchan up at one thirty, but he was outside his house at one o’clock, watching the minutes pass by on his clock to be just on time. Little did he know, inside the house Gongchan was sitting on the floor by the door watching the clock on his phone, waiting for someone to knock to take him out on his first date ever. By this time, Jinyoung wasn’t impressed anymore by the nervousness he felt, he was just overwhelmed by it, and the only thing he asked for was for his brain not to mess anything up.

At 1:31 he was knocking on the door (one minute was lost fixing his bangs for the last time).

Gongchan opened the door, he was wearing a really light blue knitted sweater and tight jeans and his hair was combed to the side and he looked really shy, shy but happy to see him, too.

Jinyoung leaned over for a kiss. Someone coughed from the living room.

“I’m here” said Sandeul, giving them a disapproving look. And then he smiled widely “I’m joking, kiss him all you want, and do dirty stuff, too”

“HYUNG!” Gongchan was terribly embarrassed

“It was a joke, god, no one can take a joke” he said frowning, closing the door and leaving them out “have a good time!”

And then they were out the house.

Jinyoung looked at Gongchan funnily “He seemed in a hurry for us to leave”

“He’s probably nervous and wants to be alone”

“What for?”

“Has to see Baro hyung” Gongchan said, grateful that Jinyoung wasn’t mentioning the ‘dirty stuff’ his brother was talking about.

“I see” his face changed from understanding to seductively in a heartbeat “we were interrupted” he said, and stole a kiss from Gongchan’s lips.

***

“You look fine” his sister broke into the bathroom, no respect for privacy whatsoever. Baro blushed a little for being found checking himself so intensely in the mirror, but the compliment felt good “Even your ridiculous hair looks decent”

“My hair is not ridiculous” he stated “You just don’t understand how fashion works”

“Yeah sure, ‘cause pink and purple hair is surely the last trend”

Baro waved her off and straightened his shirt a little more, it was tight enough to show his body well. His sister smirked at the sight.

“May I know who’s the lucky girl?”

“No one” Baro said simply, applying perfume

“No one, right” her face lit as she understood “Is that guy, isn’t he? The one you brought here the other day?”

Baro remained silent.

“Do you like him?” she insisted

“I don’t know just yet” he tried to be honest, but deep inside he knew it was probably a lie “Can you… you know”

“I won’t tell” she assured him.

“Thank you, noona”

He wished he paid more attention to clothes. Like, how people dressed and what was fashionable or even which colours matched. Instead, all he knew was jeans and hoodies. Probably a sweater or two, and he guessed that will have to do. He honestly never cared about how he looked like, but in that moment he was getting worried. Baro was so cool. And he was just so boring. He tried on some of his brother’s clothes, but of course they wouldn’t fit; he looked even pudgier in them. He was running out of time, so he just settled for shorts and a t-shirt. He didn’t even like Baro, he remembered himself, so why was the way he looked so important?

Baro felt extremely uncomfortable. Even worse, he was scared. It was probably the worst idea ever agreeing to watch a horror movie; he should’ve been honest with Sandeul and told him he didn’t like them, but the boy seemed so excited about the idea of watching it that he couldn’t brace himself to disappoint him.

He wasn’t enjoying the date (the date? Whatever) as much as he should have, because the movie was plain horrifying. Sunwoo was struggling to keep his eyes on the screen when a splash of heavy, dark blood filled the whole, at which he cringed and clung to his friend’s arm. Sandeul looked at him funnily.

“Are you scared?” he asked him in a whisper as it was the funniest thing ever “Baroro is scared?”

“Shut up” he muttered, lowering his gaze from the screen.

“Here” the boy took his hand, placing both of them on his thigh “Sandeul oppa will protect you”

“Dork” Baro rolled his eyes, but he didn’t let go of his hand.

Quickly, Sunwoo found a new place to direct his attention. One way better than the unpleasant screen and his upsetting noises.

Junghwan was wearing shorts, when he was standing they finished above his knees, but they were a little tight, and now that he was sitting, they revealed a little more of his skin, and –probably without noticing-, Sandeul himself had placed Sunwoo’s hand over his flesh. It felt so warm and soft and inviting that Baro had trouble resisting the urge of squeeze them. The thigh was so wide that his hand fit with a lot of space left. And Sunwoo couldn’t stop staring. By the end of the movie, his hand was stiff of how much he restrained himself for touching his friend a little more, but Sandeul didn’t let go of his hand, instead, he lead him out of the movie theatre.

“Wasn’t it great?” he asked, excited.

Baro pretended to cough, covering his mouth with his hand, letting go of Sandeul’s. He didn’t realise what he was doing until he saw a flash of pain cross the boy’s face. It disappeared as soon as it came. It hurt him inside to see him like this.

“Uhm…” Baro tried to smile, he was still too embarrassed. Sandeul was making him feel confused. Maybe the whole going out thing wasn’t a good idea.

“You should’ve seen your face when all the blood came out!” Junghwan continued “I didn’t know you were such a cry baby”

“I’m just not a fan of gore” Baro said, faking pissed.

“No, you were scared. Even then, your hand was so sweaty in my leg, like you should’ve been so terrified!”

Terrified, right.

“Ha! No way I was scared, it was just sweaty because you kept it there the whole movie, maybe it was you who was scared? You know how childish you are. Anyway…” Baro hurried before Sandeul could say anything else “Aren’t you hungry? You finished your popcorn like ten minutes into the movie”

“I thought you’d never ask”

Baro grabbed his hand. Sandeul didn’t seem to mind. Maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t that bad.

“Let’s go”

***

Jinyoung’s hand felt cold and tiny in his, he could feel his bones underneath the flesh, as thin as they were. Gongchan liked them, because even if they appeared as fragile, they had a strong grip. Safe.

He couldn’t help it but look like crazy in every direction once in a while, paranoid. No one knew him here. His grandparents lived in the country and they really hadn’t more relatives or friends who could call him out, either way, Gongchan felt nervous. Jinyoung talked to him about music mostly, and he listened; he listened because he liked music, but he listened even more because he just loved to see him so passionate about something. The kiss they had shared in front of his house still sting in his lips.

“Gong Chansik” Jinyoung said solemnly when they had chosen a spot on the grass near the Han river “Welcome to our first date” he kissed his hand.

“What have you prepared for it, hyung?” the youngest asked, a smile plastered on his face.

“I thought maybe the picnic basket was a clue” Jinyoung laughed

“I was pretending not to see it so you could surprise me”

Some more laughter escaped Jinyoung’s mouth “Fine then” he held the basket in front of Gongchan “Ta-da! I’ve prepared a picnic!”

“Wow! Hyung! I could’ve never imagine”

“Enough, Chan-ah, you’re making fun of me” the oldest smiled

“Sorry hyung” he apologized “but really, I would never thought about that”

Jinyoung seemed pleased with himself, but he said nothing as he straightened the blanket on the grass. They were a lot of boxes and also a big bottle with what looked like fresh lemonade. He arranged everything to look perfect and told Gongchan to sit down.

“I prepared Japanese” he said, referring to the food “I know you lived there and that you didn’t have exactly a good time, so I thought maybe I can give you new memories with this”

He opened boxes with onigiri, sushi, octopus, dango. Everything that once was familiar to Gongchan.

“This… this is so nice of you, hyung”

“I try my best” he said “But don’t be sad. I didn’t do this for you to be sad, cheer”

The Han river water ran loudly by their side, making the sound of their heartbeats disappear. Gongchan had his head resting on the grass, facing Jinyoung’s face. The boy had his eyes closed, and Gongchan wasn’t sure if he was asleep or not, but he didn’t mind, he felt like just contemplating him. He just couldn’t believe how flawless he was, even then, laying on the floor carelessly, his wine-stained bangs fell perfectly over his eyes and his mouth was shaped in the perfect grin. Chansik ran the tip of his finger over his lips, it give him the thrills to do it. Jinyoung smiled, he wasn’t asleep after all.

“You’re pretty” Gongchan told him, feeling a little brave.

“You’re beautiful” Jinyoung said, and his gaze was so intense Gongchan had to look away “Like an angel”

Gongchan blamed his lack of social interaction the last few years for the intense blush that covered his cheeks, but he suspected it was a little more than that. He couldn’t face him.

“Gongchannie, look at me” he asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. Again, it felt safe for being such a fragile hand.

Gongchan did turn around.

Jinyoung just stared.

He stared back, thought he was probably was going to kiss him.

But Jinyoung did not. Instead he spoke.

“Chansik-ah” Gongchan didn’t remember his voice being so deep, or so intimidating for that matter. He was glad they weren’t holding hands, they were too sweaty “Would you be my boyfriend?”

Gongchan froze. His boyfriend.

“What are you doing, Jung Jinyoung??” Jinyoung and Gongchan both turned around at the same time. There was a girl standing in front of them, arms in a jar, a frown on her face. She looked furious.

“Seojee” Jinyoung gulped, looking trapped. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask the same thing” she seemed to notice his companion for the first time “Who are you?”

“His d-“

“No, don’t tell me. Whoever you are, leave. I am his girlfriend” Gongchan looked at Jinyoung for a sign of denial but he saw nothing. She continued merciless “You’re the other one. I mean, he doesn’t even like boys. You must be pretty stupid to end up here with him”

“Seojee, you better shut-“

Gongchan stood up in a hurry “How could you?” he asked Jinyoung. The tears burning to escape his eyes “Who do you think you are?”

“Channie, I can explain…”

“I am not Channie for you, and if you had any doubt, I don’t want to be your boyfriend. I don’t even want to be your friend. .”

He left as fast as he could without running. Without it being obvious he was deadly hurt.

***

“Next time we’ll prepare food at home” Sunwoo was telling Sandeul while they were walking down the street in the direction of the oldest house “It’s way too expensive to eat in a restaurant with you”

“I am sorry” Junghwan laughed. He wasn’t, but he liked the idea of inviting him to his house. Or going to his. Anything that seemed like they had a closer bond.

“How can you eat so much really”

“I was in a good mood”

“Why?” Sunwoo asked, suddenly interested.

“Just because” Sandeul teased.

“Fine, don’t tell me, I don’t even care”

“Fine” Junghwan laughed, he pointed to a two store house “That’s the one”

“It’s pretty big considering it’s just you two now”

“Yep” he agreed “Maybe that’s why I was in such a good mood, you know? Having a big house really put things into better levels”

“Is that why?” Sunwoo asked.

“No”

They stared at each other until Junghwan lowered his gaze. Sunwoo lifted his chin.

“Don’t be shy” he said, and he kissed him.

Sandeul was tense. Baro caressed the back of his neck. When he released him, Sandeul gave him a scared look and ran inside his house.