It was dark out, the street lamps had been long ago, but Gongchan kept wandering, no destination in mind. His phone hadn’t buzzed in the whole evening, and he felt a twinge of jealousy at the thought of his brother having such a good time with Baro that he didn’t even notice he wasn’t home yet. Maybe he wasn’t home yet. His parent’s hadn’t called either, but for that he was glad.

“You’re beautiful. Like an angel” Jinyoung’s words kept creeping inside his head, but so did the girl’s “I am his girlfriend” and his expression was so busted. He didn’t even deny it. He just sat there, looking at both of them, not knowing what to do, allowing Gongchan’s heart fall into pieces.

He let himself fall on the sidewalk and started deleting Jinyoung messages one by one. Luckily they were just a few, luckily they went out just a few days and there was not much to remember. Not much to cling to.

“Lee Gongchan?”

The boy looked up and found his brother’s pink haired friend looking at him.

“Baro hyung, hi”

“What are you doing here?”

“Resting” he tried.

“Alone? At night? When you have a house all to yourself? I don’t think so”

Gongchan really didn’t want to go there “Why aren’t you with hyung?”

Baro looked like he didn’t want to go there, either.

“You should head home, you know?” he told him instead, avoiding the subject shamelessly “It’s getting late”

The youngest looked at him suspiciously “Is there something wrong? Did Sandeullie hyung it up? He doesn’t mean wro-“

“It was me” Baro interrupted him “I ed it up” he looked too blue, Gongchan wanted to get mad, but couldn’t.

“What did you do? Is he okay?”

“I don’t know. I kissed him” Gongchan didn’t knew him well enough to be sure, but he seemed terribly troubled “He freaked out and left running. I shouldn’t have. Of course he doesn’t like me that way”

“He does” If his hyung had told Jinyoung that he liked him, Gongchan could tell Baro as well “He just doesn’t know, give him time. I’ll talk to him”

Baro smiled a really sad smile.

“Thank you. Now head home would you? It’s really getting late”

“Okay”

“And talk to someone about what happened to you, you have ´problems’ written all over your face”

Chansik’s smile was even sadder.

The battery of his iPod had died to blocks before he could reach his house, it wasn’t much, but put in the perspective of a lonely night with no one to talk to, Gongchan felt it was a lot. There were no lights on in his house, at least no visible from the outside, and when he opened the door and the living room lamp, he found his brother asleep on the couch, hugging a pillow. He wasn’t in the mood for cooking, he really thought he could go for days without eating feeling the way he felt, but there was nothing else to do, and Junghwan always took care of him. The least he could do was try to cheer him up, and there wasn’t a better way.

“Hyung” he shook the oldest, and noticed how his cheeks were wet. It hurt him to see him like that, Sandeullie almost never cried. His own cheeks were wet too a few minutes ago, but he could solve that on his own. “Deullie hyung, wake up”

“No”

“I made some food” his brother tried.

Junghwan looked at him “I’m not hungry”

“But hyung” Gongchan patted his cheek “I made your favorite, c’mon it’ll make you feel better”

“Fine, but only because you worked so hard”

“Good boy”

Gongchan served his brother a big share of pasta, but his face wouldn’t lit. He decided to come to the point.

“I met Baro hyung on my way here”

Sandeul played with his chopsticks, touching his food but not eating it. “Good” he said.

“He told me, hyung”

“I don’t wanna talk about it” he said

“Why? I think maybe I can help” Sandeul shook his head, Gongchan sighed “Then eat, at least that way you won’t be so grumpy”

Junghwan seemed embarrassed “I’m sorry, Channie. I’m being an idiot”

“Yes. You are” Chansik took the chopsticks and filled his brother’s mouth with noodles, when he swallowed, he forced some more in there. “There you got, so much better now”

“Chan-ah” Sandeul tried, but Gongchan kept feeding him. “Cha-“

“Shhhh”

Sandeul let himself be pampered a little more, but then he couldn’t play dumb for any longer. He stopped his brother with his hand.

“Gong Chansik, it’s enough. What’s going on? You’re never so nice”

“It’s just that you’re sad”

“Your eyes are red” his oldest brother accused him. “You’ve been crying”

“You’ve been crying, too”

“That’s not the point. And I asked first.”

His brother was not a serious person, he was, in reality, a very childish boy, but in that moment it was clear who was the oldest. Gongchan felt small, and for once he didn’t felt like protecting his hyung, but the other way around. Even with some difficulty because of the height difference, he buried his head in his brother’s shoulder and started sobbing.

He hadn’t done that since they were kids and Sandeul was still taller than him.

“It’s okay” Junghwan told him, patting his back softly. But it wasn’t.

Gongchan didn’t want to cry, but a few tears were escaping his eyes wetting his brother’s t-shirt. The oldest didn’t seem to mind.

“He has a girlfriend” he simply said.

“That bastard” Gongchan could hear him clenching his teeth “And think I helped him to get close to you. I am so sorry, Chan”

“You didn’t know. I didn’t know.” he said, but he didn’t lift his head. Sandeul hugged him tight. So tight he had problems breathing, but he didn’t say anything.

“So much for our new lives” Junghwan said bitterly.

***

“You kind of deserved it”

Shinwoo came over to Jinyoung’s house as soon as he got his text ‘911, this is ed up’, he certainly wasn’t expecting a text like that, he was more waiting for one on the line of ‘he said yes!’ or ‘I DID IT!’ or something, so he got really worried when he opened his mailbox and saw that urgent message.

Right now they were on his room, Jinyoung laying on the carpet, he sitting in bed. Jinyoung was massaging the sides of his head with his fingers.

“I know” he said, looking terribly sad “I know because I’m an and I should have ended it as soon as I met Gongchan, or when I kissed him, or when I thought about asking him out”

“Well…” Shinwoo tried to think about something to cheer him up, but couldn’t “Yes. I kind of warned you”

 “I know” Jinyoung wanted to be mad at him, but he only managed to be mad at himself. Good, he thought, you deserve it.

“Why didn’t you break up with her anyway?”

“I stopped seeing her, and texting her, I completely forgot about her for a while, I know that was wrong, but Gongchan was all I could think about and you know I never liked her that much” he sighed “You know what I think about relationships. What I used to think, anyway.”

“It’s partly your fault for asking her out so many times, and kissing her, and compliment her and holding her hand and-“

“You’re not helping, Dongwoo”

“I’m sorry” he played with the buttons of his shirt as he always did when he was thinking “You owe her an apology. And Gongchan.”

“Probably. No, I do. I know I do” Jinyoung agreed “I’m garbage”

Shinwoo laughed “No you’re not. You’re just very stupid”

“This is not funny” he suddenly turned very blue again “Gongchan seemed so hurt, and I didn’t do anything. I froze like an idiot and let him run away”

“You should call him, at least”

“Tried, he has his phone off”

“I don’t blame him, I mean, of course he doesn’t want to talk with his cheating boyfriend”

“I’m not cheating, I’m not his boyfriend” he said, and now he seemed really hurt “And again, you’re not helping” he sighed “I ed up so badly, I should’ve told him about her. Now he’d think it’s an excuse.”

“Probably, but not trying it’s worse”

“Do you remember when you asked me if I believed in love at first sight?” Jinyoung asked and his friend nodded “Well, I know I do now. At least I believe in something like it, like when I saw him I knew I had to talk to him, and now I know he’s the one, because the idea of losing him just hurts so much”

“You’re a hopeless romantic”

“Only for him” he got up in a single step “I’ve got to fix this”

***

Baro felt sorry about himself, but he felt even sorrier about Gongchan who seemed really troubled and would have to deal with a sad oldest brother, and if possible he felt even sorrier about Sandeul, who must’ve been so, so confused because of him. He should’ve just stopped himself or something. He knew Sandeul was teasing –or maybe he was just imagining it?- but he should’ve waited for him to make the first movement. Now he was just typing and deleting messages while pretending to set up the table for dinner.

“Sunwoo-yah” his sister called from the kitchen “Is the table done? The food is ready”

“Almost” he said.

His parents were closing the store a few blocks away and would be home any moment. He had just a few minutes to calm down. His noona appeared with a steaming casserole before he had time to put his phone away.

“Messaging the boy?” she asked.

“No, no, I was checking my e-mail” he lied.

“Your e-mail” she repeated, sceptical.

“Yes”

“Right” she placed the casserole in the middle of the table “So, how was it? The date?”

“It wasn’t a date” Baro pointed quickly “We just hung around and that’s all”

“Then why do you look so sad?”

“I don’t, I’m just tired”

She sighed “If you say so”

If it was a date Sandeul wouldn’t have left running at the first demonstration of affection.

***

Gongchan felt strangely calm about the whole thing. After sobbing in his brother’s arms (thanks god, his brother was huggable and soothing) they ran out of things to say. Normally, his hyung would talk and talk about the person who did wrong, but he was sad, too, so he kept quiet. He was peacefully asleep now, Gongchan managed to feed him all the food he prepared, and even if he didn’t cheer him up enough, at least it made him drowsy enough to put him to sleep and make him forget about things.

But Gongchan felt calm. Numb, really. He was sad, and it hurt, but he couldn’t cry or weep or even move. He was just there, lights turned off, iPod , feelings undefined. That’s when he heard someone knocking. Chansik took his headphones off, not sure of he heard right, but then there it was again, a clear, strong knock. He was never a coward, and probably –and most likely- waking up his hyung wasn’t going to be any real help if something were to happen, but giving it a second thought, no thief was going to knock or announce themselves. And Junghwan was the ‘man of the house’ so it was his duty to open the door at late night.

“Hyung” he shook him “there’s someone outside”

“Then open” Sandeul whined “Why are you bothering me”

“You’re the hyung. Why if it’s a murderer” Gongchan highly doubted it.

“Then come with me, so I don’t have to die alone”

“Fine”

Gongchan wished he had stayed upstairs. He didn’t know what he was expecting at almost two in the morning, but he certainly wasn’t expecting Jinyoung in a suit and a guitar hanging from his shoulders.

“Leave” was the immediate response from his brother when he saw the thin figure in front of their house.

“I need to talk to Gongchan” Jinyoung managed to say. Chansik didn’t blame him for speaking softly, his hyung looked a little scary when he got overprotective, even with plump cheeks and all.

“He doesn’t want to” he spat.

“Hyung…” Gongchan tried.

“You don’t want to” Junghwan repeated, he seemed truly mad.

“I can handle this” the youngest brother said, firmly “I’ll call you if anything happens”

There was no room to say anything else, and though he didn’t want to, Junghwan had to leave. He gave Jinyoung the dirtiest look possible before entering the house. He felt betrayed too, because he had trusted him with his brother, and that just wasn’t right.

“Thank you” Jinyoung smiled.

“Don’t get too excited” Gongchan face was inscrutable “I just didn’t want to make him upset. What do you want? Why are you even here when I was clear about how I don’t want to see you.”

“I should’ve told you” he said.

“No, you shouldn’t have gone out with me if you had a girlfriend” Gongchan understood that he was madder than sadder, and felt okay about that “That’s freaking sick. I’m not a toy, and neither is she”

“I just forgot about her when I met you, and then it didn’t matter anymore”

“Oh but how nice. And then when other person appears you’re going to forget about me, too, right? Because that’s how it works for you. Do yourself a favour and leave, hyung, please.”

“No!” Jinyoung seemed to be in a lot of trouble with himself “Okay, I know it sounds horrible and it is, but I’m not like that anymore, you changed me”

Gongchan cocked an eyebrow.

“I know it sounds fake, but it’s true. I…” he was so nervous by this point “I’ve never been in love before, that’s why I asked you to be my boyfriend. I’m really sorry about the girlfriend thing, I wasn’t thinking. I never think, Shinwoo says I’m very stupid.”

Chansik couldn’t help but flash a smile at that, he erased it as soon as it appeared. “Did you break up with her?”

“Yes, as soon as you left”

“You hurt her. And me”

“I know, I’m sorry”

He seemed sorry. And Gongchan liked him too much. But one thing first.

“What’s that guitar for?” he asked, full malice.

“Can’t we go inside? It’s freezing cold here” Jinyoung asked

“Guitar first, hyung. I’m sorry” Gongchan said “And I’m not entirely sure my brother wants you in, at least not if I don’t want you in”

Jinyoung smirked “Fair” he grabbed his guitar that had been hanging from his shoulder the whole time, he seemed confident, but his smile revealed he was nervous “I wrote this today so maybe… okay”

Gongchan was willing to keep a straight face, but as the song crept into his head, he just couldn’t.

“Because I only learned bad words, bad actions, and don’t know your heart. Something always gets twisted. Because I’m still immature, a deep love is hard.”

Jinyoung eyes were fixed in the strings, but Gongchan suspected he didn’t need them to be there. He was just afraid of looking at him. His voice was something special, not like his brother’s, but thinner. It matched his body, it made sense in a beautiful way.

“Alright, let’s stop crying now, wipe away your tears now. Isn’t that much better? You are the prettiest when you smile, yeah. I’ll learn good words, good actions, and be like you, to become an amazing boyfriend ok?”

Jinyoung looked at him in that last verse. He really looked at him. And Gongchan just couldn’t look away, Gongchan couldn’t stop himself. And he kissed him. He was that easy.

Jinyoung stopped him. He held his face a few centimetres from his and stared.

“I’m really sorry, and I meant everything I sang. I’m just not good with words”

“I know” Gongchan studied him. And knew this was probably a mistake, he barely knew him, just hoped it wasn’t. He hoped with all his heart “Just stop being stupid, hyung. Please”

“I will”

“Right”

“Right”

Then they kissed.

Gongchan insisted that he should spend the night there. It was late, and he could sleep on the sofa, Junghwan wouldn’t mind. But Jinyoung said no, that he had sneaked out of the house and he would had trouble if his mother woke up tomorrow and didn’t find him there. Chansik entered his house as soon as Jinyoung was safe inside the taxi.

“Well, well” said his brother, who was waiting for him in the living room.

“Hyung…” the kid said, busted “I thought you were asleep”

“That would have been convenient”