Jiyoon POV

Someone asked me if I ever fell in love so bad before. I can never answer that question. Love, what is love to me. I have no idea what love is, what the definition is. For once, I thought I loved a girl at that moment, however, it was not love. It was my boredom only. My friends warned me that I should never have started a relationship if I did not love that girl but I ignored them. My mind told me that I should give it a try and I did. And I did, just that it did not end well. Well, I guess it ended as expected. However, there was one thing that I never expected at that moment --- I found myself falling in love with that girl after breaking up. Maybe you would say: I deserved it because I played with her heart, because I wasted her time and because…I never loved her.

Looking at their backs, the cute couple walks away, heading back to their own place, I know I should leave as well. But once again, the memories drag me, bring me back to what I had. Gayoon, Gayoon was all I had and I never noticed it. She was a nerd in my class, sitting at the front row all the time. Her friends did not like me and my friends as we always were the trouble makers. We never liked nerds as well. Me and Gayoon were like living on different planets but met on the earth. There was a time that my friend heard that her friend felt annoyed while we were chatting and waiting for the lesson to start.

“Did you hear that? That student said we’re too loud that annoy them a lot. The nerds don’t wanna sit with you.” My friend gave me a push, mocking at me.

“Pff, right…we’re on the same boat, you .” I joked back. My eyes met hers, for the first time. What my friend told me was pretty irritating me and I did not give a damn for those nerds. However, her eyes never left. Finally I looked away, pretending that I was not paying any attention at her. That was the time she captured my attention. Gayoon was more than a nerd.

Soon we texted each other every day in the following months. We were getting closer and closer. Sometimes I feel we were getting too close that I needed a break from her. Not that I did not want her anymore, it just happened that I did not love her as much as she did. Rejection was all I gave her even we officially became a couple.

Her scent was getting stronger and I knew it was her approaching me. A pair of arms wrapped around my waist, her head rested on my shoulder. Quickly I closed the message that I was texting.

“What are you doing?” She asked me softly.

“Nothing, just texting D.D.” I lied. In fact, I was texting another girl in my friendzone, basically flirting with her.

“Since when you got a new phone and I don’t know about it!” Luckily, she was distracted by my new phone.

“Show me your phone.” She sounds like a kid spotting a new toy. No one caught my nerve but myself as I immediately hid my phone in my pocket.

“No…it’s still new, I mean the system…I haven’t set everything yet.” Another lie was told.

I bet my awkward panicking face was too obvious for anyone not to notice. As she face changed, I knew I did something wrong.

“How about having something sweet to eat?” I held her hand, walking out from the dorm. As expected, she nodded without saying anything. There was she getting hurt.

Ever since then, the sync feeling between us had been slowly fading away. Do you ever feel that when you feel connected with someone so perfectly as if she or he was the one? Gayoon was the one who gave me this feeling, but soon, the feeling was fading away along with time passing by. We used to sync together, we used to do everything together, just like very fine harmonies. Those fine feelings seemed to slip away in our lives, in my life. Having an affair with another girl made me guilty, I tried my best to make it up, to fix our relationship. I swear I did try… Syncing was no longer happening to me and Gayoon.

Everything fell apart, including our beat. We used to hold hands, walking to the café that we hung out a lot. Never had I noticed that even a walk could be so damn different at that moment. We no longer held hands. We walked alone even though we had each other to accompany with. More I thought of how we ended up like this, the bigger distance was created between us. “She has changed.” That was all I could think of. She was slowing down while I kept my pace. Walking across the road, I did not look back as I was concentrated at my deep thoughts. The green light turns to a red one. I could no longer hear her high heels footsteps but I did not notice as I kept on walking and walking. Until my hand covered with hers, I realized the difference between us. We no longer sync together.

“Are you asking for a break up, Jeon Jiyoon?” Her red eyes filled with tears. She asked with a cracked voice.

“I never said that. And you promised me that we would never bring that up.” My cold words were too sharp to handle, not even myself.

She remained silence, staring at me with her teary eyes. Both of us were blind to figure out our real feelings. I left her, left Gayoon at the restaurant. She had been saying breaking up with me whenever we fought and I could not take it. She made a promise that neither of us would bring those words up again but she broke the promise again. Every time we fought, one of us would say sorry quick after the fight since we both knew that it was about the victory. We both wanted the victory in fights. However, this time I could help but left her. Maybe we both needed a break, or maybe my heart was cooling down.

For the rest of the week, I spent some time with my friends. My best friend D.D. never supported me to start this relationship while another friend Claire thought I should apologize like before.

“I never agreed that you started this, I told you she was someone making you lose yourself. Look at you now, Jiyoon. You look like a piece of right now. You always look like this after getting a fight with her. Just break up with her and find yourself back.” The more D.D. talked about this, the less her words ran into my ears.

“I’ve decided…” I stood up and stared at my friends who were shocked. “I’m gonna ask her to move into my house after our uni life. I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.”

“What…What the heck are you talking about? You two are still living in the dorm!” D.D. could not believe what just came out from me.

“We’ve been fighting for our relationships for long. Every fight, every apology, all of them should have made us stronger instead of giving up. We should have learned from this. I wanna be with her.” My heart dragged me out of the place, running to somewhere else.

Hiding the rings, I could not wait to see her. Sneaking into her dorm, she was taking a nap. I could see her swollen eyes, tear stains. My heart ached for this scene. My hand caressed her face gently, a strand of her hair back behind her ear. She woke up at my action. Her reddened eyes opened, staring at me. Her eyes quickly filled with tears again. All of a sudden, she hugged me tight as if I was leaving her.

“I hate you. Don’t start a fight with me anymore.” My heart sank somehow. All my feelings of getting back with her were fading away. She tightened her grips.

“You cannot leave me like that again…” Her cracked voice shivered.

“I’m sorry.” I faked a smile even she could not see my face. My hands slowly her back.

“And you have to come back to me whenever we fight…” She added before breaking down.

At the moment, I finally realized that she was not the one who had changed, but me. I changed. Gayoon was still the one who was deeply in love with me, but I no longer felt the same. The one who changed was me, the one who pushed everything to a dead end was me. Weeks after, she was still suspecting me with any other girls, checking all my messages, phone calls, anything on facebook, twiter, or whatever she can access. And it was her again asking me if I wanted to break up with her. She never changed. Our relationships were still the same. It was only a bad cycle. The best way to end the bad cycle was either fixing it or ending the cycle. And I chose to end this as I know both of us were only lingering on this fading feeling.

The most ironic thing is that I did not notice how much I love her until we broke up, until I completely lost this girl. I bet the best result is to see her with someone else who loves her more than I do. Looking at Gayoon and her new girlfriend walking away, I cannot help but smile, a bitter smile though, as I know I let go of someone I might not be able to find in the future anymore. Someone once told me that it was wrong to start but I have to say that never let go of someone who was willing to hold on.