Gayoon POV

It was way back into the year 3 of my University life. I was a nerd or the “good student” in the class, well, at least that what Jiyoon told me afterwards. Jeon Jiyoon was never a person I noticed before until Cupid got us together. Even though we have been classmates for two years already, I did not know her except her “bad student” image in the class. We never talked, of course there would be greetings between us, but that was it, nothing more. I could never imagine how and why I would fall deeply for this girl. Sometimes I would even blame myself why I did not give a damn about her existence until now. Things between us got on really fast, from the time we greeting each other, to having a group project together; at the end, we became a couple. Everything was fast. It started fast, too fast that I thought it was a dream only. Since it started fast, it ended fast as well.

We were both the students of Linguistics Studies. Somehow it got me so interested that how Jiyoon would choose this boring subject, she never answered me properly. Instead, she only mocked at me that she chose a boring girlfriend. The front row seats were always my choice as “nerds” would always need to be concentrated on class. At first two years, I seriously did not pay any attention to Jiyoon and her friends. They were only a bunch of people who always got into troubles. To be quite honest, people like me who wanted to focus on studies instead of having fun do not want to have any contacts with those people. For once, my friends and I walked into the class, seeing them talking loud, laughing loud at the back. They disgusted my friend that she refused to sit near them. I took a look at them. It was the first time our eyes met. Not that we have never looked at each other before, just that it was the first time I felt something about this girl somehow. Surprisingly, I felt something towards without any hints, more like my subconscious. I saw her laughing with her friends, mostly with her best friend, and she spotted me. Just two seconds, she looked away as if she did not see me at all. My friend, Jihyun, pulled me from the thoughts, walking to our seats. She got my heart already.

Back in 2010, we almost texted each other on every class. Sometimes she would text me about how boring the class was, or any mistakes the teacher just made. These texts were like building our bridge, the bridge to our hearts. However, we were still friends only, maybe close friends. We supported each other on assignments, projects and examinations. Jiyoon was like the typical student who had a little genius genes in her body that she can get high marks with studying just a bit. That day she paired up with her best friend and another girl to do a presentation. They volunteered for presenting it first, but ended up they became the best group presentation for that time. The way she could ease all her nerves down, presented her part well in front of the class, not even mentioned that they were the first group; it just amazed me, not only in an academic way but also in a charismatic way. My phone vibrated and it was her. Smiles formed quick on my face but I tried to hide them.

“Who is it?” Jihyun asked with a mischievous smirk. She caught me.

“Is that red head, Jeon Jiyoon? I spotted that you always steal glances from her.” I was so screwed that Jihyun noticed it.

“No! I didn’t do that.” I whispered loud.

“Bingo! That means it’s her.” She caught me once again, reddened face.

I took a quick look at the back, seeing that she was talking with her friends happily again. She spotted me. Do not panic, Gayoon. Do not panic. Instead of looking away which would make me look more suspicious, I tended to smile at her. She gave me a goofy smile which sent me a strike, a total knockdown. How could she suddenly sent me such adorable smile! That goofy smile was like punching me in my mind that it could not function at all.

Our status continued like that for months, one semester was gone. We started to chat with each other until late night or even until one of us fell asleep on phone. Mostly, she fell asleep on phone and I loved her hoarse voice mixed with sleepiness. It was rare to see a bully suddenly turning into a baby. At the stage of a lovey dovey status, we almost did every lame and cheesy things. Holding hands under tables, hugging at the back, spending time at the staircase and of course kissing at the hallway, those made me feel like I was someone that she cheated with on her girlfriend but it was fun and sweet to be honest. Jiyoon never liked having skinships in public or letting anyone know about our relationship and I could not understand but still I respected her. She was always the dominant one in this relationship yet I could take more than this as I really loved her. However, sometimes I knew that I have asked too much, to cross her line. I wanted to have a normal dating as other couples in public. Maybe it sounded lame but I pretended that I made skinships like holding her hand without noticing.

“Gayoon…I told you not to…” She whispered, pouting at me.

“I don’t like that…it makes me feel uncomfortable.” She explained. Her words kinda hurt me. Of course I respected her, that was just a bit unfair to me. Yet, I it up. I knew I should have higher tolerance to resisting skinships in public. I retracted my hand.

“Sorry…” I tried hard not to show my sadness. After that, she made my arm intertwine with hers; this was always the extreme level of her acceptance. Trust me, she used to refuse any skinships. Well, at least that was what I thought until once.

We were hanging out as usual, taking an escalator to the mall. As a surprise, she suddenly hugged me from the back, shocking me. For a second, a thought of a random creepy man hugging me from back popped out even as I had never expected that she would do that in public. Quickly, I turned around and was sort of wriggling out of her hug.

“Jiyoonit!” I whispered loud. All I saw was her giggling face. 

“What are you doing?” My voice was still at a peak, whispering loud.

All of a sudden, my heart stopped functioning, my breath stopped working, and the whole world went silent. Her hand on my waist gave me a push to her, my body tilted to hers. My lips fell on hers. Yes…our lips met for the very first time in public. My eyes widened to extreme that they might fall out any second. And I could not even recall how her lips felt at that moment. It was just amazing as heaven, not her lips but this whole surprise. Slowly, she pulled out as we reached the mall, smiling at me. She took my hand to intertwine with hers again as if nothing happened. That day was only about that kiss and I could not remember anything else except the kiss. The kiss got me addicted to this girl more and more, I fell deeply for her. Day by day, I requested more from her, trying to get our relationships public so that we did not have to hide anymore. Maybe I pushed too far, maybe I was too clingy to her at school, maybe I was too annoying to her, she texted me less and less. What got worse was that we chose different selective subjects. Moments that we could meet each other on class were getting less as well.

And there was a rumour that she had an ambiguous relationship with a girl in her friend zone. Every time we had some mutual classes together, I could hear how her best friend, D.D., teased at them for their awkward gestures or mysterious whispering. This was getting on my nerves and I could not help but feel jealous. Jihyun even noticed how affected I was as my results actually dropped. Until one night, doubts about her and that girl bothered me and I asked her about this while about to leave school to home with her. Before asking about that, the sky turned dark suddenly. It started to rain cats and dogs that we could not leave. Without a choice, we stayed at the end of the hallway, the darkest place of the whole university. Did not know how many minutes passed, all I remembered was that whenever I got my guts to ask about the girl, it ended up getting stuck at my throat as I only saw Jiyoon’s smiles. She was so beautiful when she smiled, melting my heart down. I could not hate her, I could never hate her even if she had done something bad. I just knew it. It was my fate. My fate was stick with her forever, at least I hoped for it.

There she was, smiling at me again. Her smiles took my breath away. Her existence simply took my life away. She looked down, playing her fingers nervously. Taking a deep breath before facing me, Jiyoon showed her typical goofy smiles.

“I bet you have heard the rumour about me and the girl.” My heart tightened for a second as I saw her smiles gone. Instead of showing her my worries, I forced myself to fake a smile.

“It was true.” She stated. All the tics, all the noises around us were gone. My heart sank.

“I have feelings for her.” Certified dead. I mean my heart was certified as dead. At that moment, I could not think of any word to say. Not even able to stutter, I was stunned. A sound of thunder echoed the hallway, what a coincidence. That sound triggered me somehow. I hugged her tight without saying anything. I tried to tighten my grips but it felt like I could never catch her. I tried to capture her heart but it slipped away. I swore I tried hard.

“I’m sorry…but I swear it was over. I swear!” She assured it.

Silently, I nodded in her embrace. She pulled out, brushing through my hair gently with her fingers. It was the softest and warmest touch from her. Her stares stuck on mine. Her smiles melted me no matter she brought me pain. Her fingers removed a loose strand of hair behind my ear. She caressed my face. Her hand never felt this warm to me. It was a healing to me, healing my broken heart. Her thump brushed against my lips. Soon, it was replaced by her lips. This time I could totally feel how soft her lips were, how addictive it was, how big the effect of this. She deepened the kiss, turning into a passionate one. Our kissing sounds were covered by the rain sounds. Our lips collided on each other. Her hands held my face softly, pulling me to her more. I lost myself to her. How many times I got hurt because of her words, her actions, she always healed me with surprises. Who could think of that she asked for forgiveness? Maybe I was never confident about our relationship. Maybe I was always the passive one. Maybe she never loved me as much as I did. She could always hurt me and heal me. And I was always be there, waiting for her to hurt me, to heal me back until she was sick of doing that.

At least she proved that she determined that she had nothing more to do with the girl. However, it already became a fear to me. As that happened, I could not help but suspect her of everything, a single message from any female friends, a phone call, a post on Facebook. All got me intense, all got me insane. We started to fight for minor problems, have cold wars, ignore each other at school and even stop calling. Pride was making us fall apart. However, I saved our relationship without caring the pride. But all I got was cold reactions from her. It was me again approaching her first, intertwining my hand with hers at school.

“Jiyoonit!” I faked a smile. I knew it, I knew that she was not comfortable. I just missed her so bad. “I miss you.” I whispered into her ear. She brought me to the darkest place again. She faked a smile, I could see that. Retracting her arm, she took a deep breath again.

“Before it goes too late, let’s break up.” There once again, she stepped on my heart with her cruel words.

“Love will make you run away, Gayoon…This whole thing is making me run away from the reality. I’m sorry.” She left. She left me. She left me here, at the darkest place, coldest place. Staring at her back, Jiyoon had never looked that attractive as if she got a magnet on her back, pulling me to her. I ran to her, hugged her tight from the back.

“Please…” My voice cracked as tears were flowing out already. She stopped at her spot, loosening my grips.

“Don’t walk away, what should I do alone here…” I broke down there, without her presence. 

“Gayoonie, we’ve missed the bus stop! Why didn’t you wake me up?” Hyuna whines at me as always, pouting at me. She gives me a push, bringing me back to the present.

“What are you thinking?” She asks, rubbing her eyes. I smile at her, pinching her nose.

“Nothing. Let’s get off at the next stop.” I peck a kiss on her forehead.

This girl is now my love, the only love. She should be and will be my only love…Right? Why do I still miss her…Sometimes I am confused whether I start this relationship with Hyuna because I love her or I…want to replace her…There we met today. All my feelings are back.

I miss you, Jeon Jiyoon.