he can't seem to let go. not just yet.

The first words he says to her are “I’m sorry” and silence falls over them like a blanket, and it stays that way for the next three minutes. She says “It’s okay” and the next words uttered from him are “I’m really sorry”.

Youngbae sighs because he’s frustrated, angry and disappointed at himself. He had been so careless and so drunk with hatred and deception that he didn’t even have control over his own body and actions anymore. He hates himself for that, and for what happened that night with the girl that’s standing in front of him, looking slightly hurt and rather fragile. He feels guilty now; guiltier than two nights ago.

“No, really, it’s okay. I –I –“

“Look, I didn’t mean it, Jieun. I’m really sorry, you don’t even –“

“Oppa,” her voice is sweet and gentle and to Youngbae, it sounds as though she has all the patience in the world to listen to him. He could stand there ranting on his spot all day and night, and she wouldn’t mind the least bit because she’s going to listen. Every sentence, every word, every letter.

He hates himself even more.  He frowns, he’s been doing that a lot lately, as he looks at her. Her lips twitch. She’s trying to smile, but it just won’t come. Her eyes are sympathetic and sad, and behind them, could that be nervousness? Youngbae isn’t sure. Her hands are clasped together and she tugs on the hem of her coat from time to time. She shifts her weight from one foot to another and he wonders if it was because she was getting restless, cold, nervous or all of the above.

Youngbae sighs. What has he done?

“Here,” he removes his dark-colored coat and Jieun seems a little taken aback. Before she can say anything though, he shakes his head at her. “No, please, let me. It’s… it’s the least I can do.” He places it around her shoulders and as expected, it’s big, but at least it’ll keep her warm.

The cold nips at his neck, but he endures it. The sky is grey and it looks like it’s going to snow again anytime soon. The air is chilly, but he can stand it, and maybe Jieun can too. Maybe the park wasn’t a good place to meet, but Youngbae had wanted to see her so badly and apologize, and as a result: he wasn’t thinking straight.

“Let’s get inside before we catch a cold,” he tells her and she’s about to say something, he knows it, but closes the last second and changes her mind.

“Alright,” she smiles but he knows it’s forced.

Youngbae refrains to put his arm around her shoulder; it was a habit of his. He does it to all the girls he was with; to Joohyun, to his mom, to his cousins - to everyone. He doesn’t want to confuse her, because all the things that happened that night between, were all because of his anger and nothing more. He doesn’t want to be a jerk, much less the jerk.

“Are you hungry?”

“No,”

“Thristy?”

“Nuh-uh,”

“Where do you want to go?”

Jieun sighs and stops on her tracks. Youngbae has to step to the side to avoid bumping into her back. He looks at her, eyebrow furrowed in confusion and curiosity. “Jieun, what’s –“

“Why don’t you just tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

The cold wind passes by them before she could say anything. Under his layer of clothing, Youngbae shivers and he hopes Jieun doesn’t notice.

“You like Joohyun, you’ve always liked Joohyun haven’t you?”

Youngbae closes his eyes for a few moments. “Haven’t you?” she says. He lets out a heavy sigh before opening his eyes again and facing her, frowning. It’s been hard for him, smiling, when he’s made his love life so complicated and messed up.

“Let’s say I do –“

“We are saying you do, I – I mean, you do like her it’s so obvious.” She says, sounding a little desperate maybe? Again, Youngbae’s not sure but that’s what she sounds like in his ears right then. “The only thing I’m wondering is, why haven’t you told her anything? Why – why didn’t you confess?”

Youngbae looks at her, really looks at her, what’s inside and what she’s feeling. He tries to know, he wants to know and he realizes two things: Jieun is actually quite pretty and is really bad at hiding things.

He tells her one of these two things and leaves the other one to be said later. “You know Jieun, you’re really bad at hiding things. What is it –“

Yet again, wind passes by and it makes Youngbae’s toes curl. His teeth chatter, only the slightest bit but Jieun had seen it. She frowns and looks onto him worriedly. “Let’s go somewhere warm first,” she says and probably with all the courage and will in her, she grabs his hand and walks. “I told you you didn’t need to give me your coat. Do you want it back, oppa?”

Youngbae frowns once more, he can tell she’s putting in so much effort to sound casual and comfortable but he knows deep down, she’s feeling anything but those. “No,” he gives her hand a light squeeze, for reassurance. “It’s okay.”

They find warmth in a café a few blocks from the park they agreed to meet at. It was warm enough that Jieun had to remove the two coats off her, she gives Youngbae his before going off to order without saying another word to him.

While she’s ordering, he thinks of things to say to her. Like ‘Jieun, I’m really sorry. I’m confused right now and don’t know what to do because the girl of my dreams has a boyfriend and she didn’t even tell me anything. I feel betrayed, really betrayed, you’re really nice so if you could, can you forget about that night?”

Youngbae says just that when she goes back to their table. He looks the other way while waiting for her speak, because he doesn’t really want to see her reaction. He’s scared, kind of. “So, you do like her?” is the only thing she says.

He still doesn’t face her. “Yes, for quite a while now.”

“I see,”

She stays silent and Youngbae bites his lips in nervousness. He looks down on the table, still kind of scared looking up and into her eyes. “How about my apology? Do you accept my apology?”

“Oh, oppa,” there was something about the way she said those two words that made him look up.

She’s smiling.

And it wasn’t forced or fake or anything like that; it was real, sincere and genuine that at first, Youngbae’s heart skipped a beat. “I may have liked you a long time ago, but that’s just it. That was a long time ago. I know you’re a good guy – a great guy, even, I can’t hold a grudge against someone like you. We’ve known each other for years! It’s okay, I forgive you.”

“Re – really?” is the only word he could muster up. His chest seemed lighter and his heart seemed to be beating out of happiness. She was okay with him now and the thought of it was more than enough to make him smile.

They were both smiling.

“If you want,” she says, still wearing that sweet smile only she could make, while shifting on her seat. “We can act as if the night never happened, ever.”

He’s about to agree, but then the words: “It’s okay.” Roll out of his tongue and slip through his lips. Youngbae didn’t really want that, it was both their firsts, and you can’t undo a first.

Jieun blushes a little, and he finds it cute. “I, umm – we’re okay now. But what’s not is… you and Joohyun.”

Automatically, his smile fades.

“I’m sorry for bringing this up,” she directly says upon seeing the change of expression. “But I have something to tell you, and ask you.”

“What is it?”

“You like Joohyun, right?” she leans closer. “Why didn’t you ever tell her?”

Before Youngbae could even ponder on the question, much less answer it. Jieun is talking again.

“Because I remember, one time, she liked you back.”

His eyes go wide. “What?”

She nods, confirming his wildest dream. “She did. It was during middle school and you were in high school.”

“She… liked me?”

“Yeah, and she didn’t tell you, she told me.” Jieun tells him, smiling. “We were really close in middle school until high school came and we weren’t in the same section. She met Jinwoo and some other kids.”

“Jinwoo? The same Jinwoo she’s dating now?” he says, now the happiness and disbelief was gone too.

“Well, yes.”

“How come I don’t know him?”

“You do,” she rolls her eyes at him for the first time. “You just forgot, I’m sure of it. Joohyun got close with him in high school, but not close enough for them to be hanging out all the time. She still liked you when it was freshmen year but by the end of it. She didn’t anymore.”

“Why?”

“Partly because she thought you only looked at her as a little sister and well, mainly because of Jinwoo,”

Youngbae absorbs this, and wonders why Joohyun had never even once brought this up. But then again, Youngbae never really told her about the girls in his life too because really, there was only one and it was Joohyun, herself. She was already the epitome of perfection to him, he didn't need any other girl. It was always her and her alone.

“She liked Jinwoo for a while, she stopped too because he got a girlfriend.”

He purses his lips, not sure what to say. “I’m hearing all of this for the first time, you know.” He finally says and it makes Jieun smile a little.

“I know. I wondered why she never really told you too, and she wouldn’t listen to me. I told her you liked her back, but she kept on insisting you didn’t. Joohyun doesn’t want to be with you, oppa,” Jieun says softly and there was something about the way she looked at him: sad and remorseful. “She doesn’t want your friendship... your bond? She doesn’t want that to be ruined.”

There is silence, and Youngbae’s mind is blank. Completely blank even though he tries to let all the words Jieun has said sink in. But before he can, their orders arrive and both eat in silence, still.

The silence is disturbed when Youngbae says that he’ll pay, but then Jieun says she will, but Youngbae insists he should, in the end they split the bill.

“Are you going to talk to her?”

“I’m not sure. If she’s not busy with her boyfriend.”

Jieun sighs. “I’m going to talk to her then.”

He looks up from his food. “You will? What will you say?”

“I will, and I’ll say what you want me to say, oppa.”

“I don’t want you to say anything.”

Again, she sighs. “Fine, I’ll tell her what I want to say then.”

“Jieun-ah, don’t –“

“No,” she raises a hand and that’s enough to silence Youngbae. “I’m not convincing her to fall in love with you again, I can’t do that. But I’ll just talk to her.”

“What’ll you –“

“Leave it to me,” she cuts him off yet again, and smiles while doing so. “Trust me in this, I want to help.”

Youngbae smiles, but it feels forced, so he gets back to eating even though he doesn’t quite have the appetite anymore. They don’t stay for long, because Jieun needs to head home and Youngbae has to help his father in repairing the roof today. They both go out of the café at the same time and the grey clouds are slowly parting, letting rays of sunlight cast through.

“By the way, Jieun,” he says while buttoning up her coat for her. She looks up, smiling and unfazed by his hands fumbling with her coat’s button. “You looked really pretty today, I’m glad I’m friends with you.”

Jieun giggles, obviously pleased by that compliment. She thanks him and he says ‘no problem’ because it really wasn’t. She waves goodbye, he waves back and like that, they part ways. Youngbae hopes Jieun really will talk to Joohyun and maybe then, everything might work out.

Or maybe not. 

- so this turned out to be longer than I thought and planned, that's why I changed it to a four-chaptered short story instead of a threeshot. There's still one last chapter, so stick around for that hopefully :) As usual, comment your thoughts!