goodbyes don't seem hard. until you've experienced them.

He knows it’s a little bit too early as he takes a swig from the cold and cool bottle of beer he has in his hands right then. The liquor stings his throat and insides, but he likes it that way. He can’t help it, he’s just too jumpy and nervous and it is even eight in the morning yet.

His back is basked in the warmth of the brick wall behind him while his gloved hand is inside his jean pocket and the other holds the beer bottle. The street was practically deserted except for the occasional cars and pedestrians trying to cross the streets.

It was Sunday, so of course it would be expected for the cold morning to be still and quiet. There were several passerbys though, and they all eyed the bottle he had in his hands but he didn’t quite mind. Opinions of others never mattered that much to him.

He stood by the corner of a well-known pub in their neighborhood and as much as he wanted to be inside, he couldn’t. Directly across the pub was a karaoke bar that was still closed like the rest of the stores. Next to that was a salon which was still closed too, and beside that was one of the only open stores at this ungodly hour.

A diner.

He gulps and decides to take another swig from the bottle to calm down his nerves. He’s not a heavy drinker, he doesn’t even like alcohol that much but strangely enough, it’s the only thing that can keep him sane and calm when he’s anything but.

His eyes narrow down on two familiar looking girls walking towards the diner. His heart beat race and before he can even recover from the last drink, he takes another one and the grip he has on the bottle tightens.

The girls walk closer and closer to the diner, and he cannot help but avert his eyes away from them. He parts the bottle from his lips and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, still looking the other way.

He never knew he could be this nervous.

-

Jieun is quite glad that Joohyun doesn’t seem to be suspicious at all when she called her nine pm last night and told her they should jog and eat breakfast together the next morning at the diner near Youngbae’s neighborhood.

Joohyun didn’t suspect a thing and for once, Jieun thanks how slow she is at things like these.

After having ordered, they sat down on a booth near the windows where the pub across the street was directly in sight for Jieun. Joohyun had her back towards it, but that was okay, he couldn’t get caught after all.

“I miss this place,” Joohyun admits after having taken a good look around the place. Jieun quickly does a scan with her eyes and nods in agreement. Nothing much has changed, just the color of the walls that were once white and red but now beige and blue.  The menu still had it’s orders from five years ago, but they’ve added new ones too like fancy ribs and even fancier steak.

This was an American-themed diner, one of the only ones in the city, and it was Youngbae’s favorite place when he was a kid so having to take Joohyun here for a talk was a little bit too meaningful for him.

With the added information Jieun got yesterday, she can safely say this talk would really mean a lot to him and might even changed his future.

“There are new food now but both of us ordered the same thing, Jieun,” she says, laughing a little. “I guess I really missed the food here a lot, I haven’t had pancakes in a long time.”

“Right? I guess that’s why I chose this place to eat after our jog. I missed it too,” Jieun cracks a smile and tries very hard not to look at the direction of Youngbae. He wanted to witness this for himself even if he won’t hear the words being said and exchanged between them. After all, he’s leaving for university today and the next time he’ll be coming back is when he’ll be packing his bags.

This is important to me, Jieun-ah. I need to know her heart.

“Now that nostalgia’s overtaking my mind right now, I’d love to take Jinwoo here sometime.”

At those words, Jieun’s mind go blank and she looks up expectantly. Her eyes narrow as she observes the way Joohyun’s features go soft and her eyes turn into mush right before her just by the mention and thought of Kim Jinwoo. Joohyun’s smile is different too and now the look on her face is something she’s seen before.

It’s the same look Youngbae gives her whenever she’s around.

The large and bold letters that consist of l, o, v and e are written all over her face and the expression she has on. The way her eyes twinkle, and the way she says his name is so different and affectionate that Jieun cannot help but frown. 

It’s the look of love, and Jieun hates and is scared to admit it because when Joohyun falls in love, she falls hard and possibly forever.

-

The cold nips his neck and his legs are getting numb so he shifts his weight from one foot to another and decides to change his position. The bartender from the pub offered him to go in, but he didn’t want to. There were no windows to see how the talk was going.

Youngbae could clearly see Jieun’s expression and so far, she’s been giving off quite good and happy ones. It made Youngbae feel at ease, even just a little bit. His bottle was already warm inside his grip and it was already below the halfway mark. If the talk goes longer than expected, then he’ll be out of calming beer before he knows it.

Youngbae looks up and sees the clouds starting to cluster together and slowly turning grey. It’s going to snow soon, and Youngbae is so not ready for that.

He brings the jacket closer around his body and tries to hard not to let his teeth chatter. He bitterly wonders inside his head what Bae Joohyun ever did to make him go through a sacrifice as cruel as standing outside on a winter morning with a beer in hand and a hummingbird heartbeat inside of him.

Then he recalls her smile from ten years ago, and then his wonders and questions disappear as he remembers why now. She just smiled at him and acted like herself, and that was more than enough to make him fall for her.

I can’t imagine my life without her, Jieun. I don’t want to leave without trying. I have to know her heart. I have to try to win her over, just this once. One last time.

Youngbae lets out a sigh at the memory of yesterday afternoon with Jieun. He closes his eyes and takes a few moments to himself but he still couldn’t concentrate, not when his heart is beating frantically, his mind is elsewhere and his chest Is heavy.

If only Bae Joohyun wasn’t so perfect, then he’d never feel this kind of heartache.

-

She her lips and stares up at the beige ceiling in wonder. “You’re right, this is Youngbae’s favorite place. I forgot about that,” she admits rather sheepishly. Jieun looks at her expression but it doesn’t change at all. “We used to come here all the time before he got into his junior year of high school, then the visits became less and less.”

Jieun’s eyes are on her face, observing and waiting for a change. But to her great dismay, she remains the same. She talks about Youngbae with a small smile, but her eyes don’t twinkle like stars nor does she smile like she’s a lovesick thirteen-year-old. She remains indifferent, and the same.

Jieun frowns because just when she’s about to say something, their food arrives and the opportunity is out of the window because Joohyun insists she should eat first before they talk.

And Jieun would like that, oh she really would, but it’s just that Dong Youngbae was outside probably freezing his of by now. She can’t let that happen, he has a train to catch later and it might be one of the last ones he’ll be taking.

Jieun tries her hardest not to dump this information on Joohyun as she continues to talk to her anyway.

“Do you still talk with Youngbae-oppa?”

“Jieun, I’m eating –“

“Do you?”

Joohyun looks up from her stack of pancakes rather annoyingly. She slices them all first before eating. “Well, not really. I mean, I’ve been really busy this time around and I guess he is too because he hasn’t been replying to my messages at all, Jieun. So I just let him be and decided that he’ll be the one to approach me, I mean, it’s not like I’m going anywhere.” She says lightly with a smile. “I’ll always be here. He can always come to me.”

Jieun frowns. He’s the one going now. “He’s – he’s leav –“ she stops herself. Jieun tightens her grip around her utensil and she looks down to avoid Joohyun’s inquiring look. She lets out a sigh instead. “Do you miss him?” she asks bluntly, slicing the bacon on her plate. Suddenly, her appetite didn’t quite matter.

She wanted to help, she really did because Youngbae has done a lot to her in the past and for once, he made her feel loved that one night when they were at it even if he did regret it, she didn’t. For making her feel so good and beloved, she wanted to help him at least just this once before he goes.

“Youngbae? Of course I do.” She smiles widely, but there’s still something missing in that expression. No twinkle, no spark, no hidden message behind her eyes or smile. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him, but I guess he’s busy. He’s probably catching up with some friends and spending time with his family. Mrs. Dong doesn’t seem to be so well these days, I’m thinking she’s ill.”

Jieun’s eyes widened but she refrains from saying anything. She looks back down at her food and pretends to be eating, but really, her mind is elsewhere.

There’s better technology there and I’m sure they can help my parents. My dad needs another job and mom needs to rest.

What about your mom, oppa?

Oh, um, nothing. She just hasn’t been feeling well these days. Must be stress of work. It’d be good if I can bring them with me, so they can rest even just for a while and have a break.

His words from yesterday now made sense, at least a little bit. She’ll have to ask him later.

Jieun finally stops pretending to eat, she just shoves the food into and chews it faster than Joohyun.

“When are you going to see Youngbae-oppa?”

She looks up for Jooyun’s answer, but she merely shrugs and says: “I’m not sure, maybe a few days from now if he still doesn’t come.”

“Why not today? At lunch or something?”

Joohyun is still unaware about Jieun’s intentions and again, she thanks how Joohyun is still so slow and naïve. She looks up at Jieun and shakes his head, surprising her. “Not today, Ji. Jinwoo’s having a gig today at a café and I really want to be there. He’s friends are there too, you should come! It’s going to be great; there are drinks and free food. Plus there are cute guys, so maybe you can –“

“Are you serious?”

Joohyun stops and looks up at Jieun with wide eyes. She was surprised, and so was Jieun but that didn’t matter now. She couldn’t believe it, even though she was really bracing herself for it. But still, this was coming from Bae Joohyun and Bae Joohyun puts nobody above her best friend. It was crazy! It was like Joohyun didn’t even care anymore for Youngbae.

“What –“

“He’s leaving for university today, Joohyun!” Jieun says rather desperately and it was a good thing – great, in fact – that they were the only ones in the diner at that hour so they were saved from the chance of being embarrassed. “And you still haven’t seen him, he’s your best friend! How can you put Jinwoo over him?”

And for the first time in a long time, Jieun hears Joohyun scoff. “Jieun, please. It’s not like I can’t call him right? It’s not like we can’t text each other. Youngbae is going to understand, I’m busy and so is he –“

“Yeah, busy Jinwoo’s face.”

“Lee Jieun!”

“You don’t get it, do you? You’re still so slow, aren’t you, Joohyun?” Jieun says the words exasperatedly, frowning as well. “I thought you’d never put anyone above your friends –“

“Jinwoo is a different matter,”

“Jinwoo is your boyfriend of five months, Joohyun.” She says sharply, eyes trained on the girl in front of her that has now stopped eating. “Whereas Youngbae is your best friend of over ten years,”

“Why are you like this Jieun? You still like Youngbae don’t’ you?” although she said it rather bitterly, she said it without power or punch. It was like Joohyun didn’t have the will to fight or talk back which was more than okay with Jieun.

“No! Of course not,” she throws her utensils down on the table in desperation. “I’m trying to help him!”

“In what!”

“In winning you back,” Jieun says, the words rolling of her tongue and sinking in both of their ears. Jieun sighs heavily and Joohyun does nothing but stare at her in confusion.

Jieun looks at her, frowning as her eyes go soft.

She’s the one I want. If I can’t have her then… I don’t know what’ll happen when I’m at America.

“What do you mean?” Joohyun says, gulping. For once, she looked quite scared.  “What do you mean ‘winning me back’?”

“He’s always liked you Joohyun, you stupid fool, I told you! But you just wouldn’t listen to me wouldn’t you? You just had to deny everything.” Jieun says, expressing her frustration over the matter. “It’s a pity you know. You where each other’s first loves. His feelings are the same, and your’s… if you still have something for him now’s the chance to rekindle those feelings and make him stay.”

“Stay?” she looks away when she utters that single word. “Why? Is he – is he…” she doesn’t finish the sentence and Jieun waits for her to do so but she doesn’t after a few seconds.  

“Youngbae-oppa…. he’s leaving soon. Not to University or to Seoul, not even in South Korea!” she says, grabbing all of Joohyun’s undivided attention once again. “He’s leaving for America, Joohyun and he told me he’s not coming back here ever again.”

“What about his parents? What about his mom? He can’t –“

“He’s bringing them with him.”

She waits for Joohyun’s response but it doesn’t come. Jieun looks down at her food and her appetite is now completely lost. The ache and soreness of her muscles from their jog were now gone as well.

“So, what?” Joohyun says, bitterness coating her voice and Jieun is surprised by this. She looks up and frowns at her; Joohyun’s expression has changed into a bad one. “If I accept his heart, he’ll stay? If I tell him I love him back, he won’t leave?”

Tears. Tears like crystal clear water swam in Joohyun’s eyes and it was obvious to Jieun that she was trying to hold them back for the sake of being tough.

Jieun nods slowly, still frowning. Instead of answering, she first explains and she explains it the way Youngbae did to her yesterday. “There’s an exchange program between his school and Columbia University, if he passes the test this March then he has a chance to move to Columbia if he wants. But knowing Youngbae, you and I both know he’ll pass. He’s a top student. He has the choice to go or not, and – and he told me that… that if you’d just give him one chance, he’ll stay. He’ll stay just for you, Joohyun.”

Jieun thought Joohyun needed time for the words to sink in, for the truth to unfold before her eyes and for her to cope with it. But Joohyun stood up suddenly from the booth, the look on her face was anything but happy.

“Why can’t he just stay?!”

“Joohyun –“

“That selfish jerk, why can’t he just stay even if I don’t love him back?!” she suddenly booms, causing the waitress by the counter to wake up from her nap and for Jieun to flinch on her seat. “He has a choice, doesn’t he? Then why is he leaving just because I won’t love him back? Why can’t he stay for his best friend and not his first love? Why is he leaving me because I’m putting our friendship first? Why, Lee Jieun, why?!”

“You’re precious to him,” she says, lacking femininity and softness behind her voice. Jieun clears and tries again. “You’re precious to his heart, Joohyun. He doesn’t see any other girl but you. In his eyes, you’re perfection personified.”

Her bottom lip quiver, she knows because Jieun can see it quite clearly. Joohyun steps away from the booth and sighs. "Ridiculous." she mutters, wiping off the tears from her cheeks and eyes.

The waitress behind the counter reappears from the back, looking on at the two girls with the word "tired" in her eyes and expression. Jieun looks away from her, embarrassed about the situation. 

"I can't make him stay then, Jieun," says Joohyun, her voice already hoarse and rough. "How can he sant such a thing? I'm over him, Jieun, I really am. I don't love him, I love Jinwo. It's always going to be Jinwoo."

At her words, Jieun's mouth hangs open and she stares at Joohyun, ready to stand up too. But before she could even think of a smart comeback or of how to respond to that, she word vomits. "You know there's this lyric from a song," she spats, making Joohyun look at her with now red eyes. "'You olny miss the sun when it stars to snow, only know your lover when you let her go'. You're going to regret it Joohyun, I know it. So, why don't you just take a chance?"

Joohyun continues staring at Jieun although she knows she's not really staring at her face, just what's behind her eyes but Jieun has nothing to hide, what she's been blabbering so far was the truth and nothing else. "I'll have more chances in the future," she only says before leaving the diner and Jieun. 

Jieun feels bad now, not for Joohyun but for Youngbae. All these years, he wasted all his love for a girl like her. 

-

A sigh escapes her lips and in his ears, it sounds like a hopeless, defeated and sympathetic sigh. “I tried, oppa, I really did.” She kicks a small stone out of the way and it rolls to the pond near them. They both watch the once still water surface now vibrate at the stone’s disturbance. “I even told her of your departure for the States, but she still didn’t budge.”

Youngbae doesn’t speak up, at least not yet. He was known to be the kind of person who always know what to say when troubles arise but none of them seemed to be fit for the situation at hand right now.

Jieun talks first, seeing as how he was so occupied with his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the awkward silence looming over them. “School isn’t the only reason why you’re leaving for America isn’t it, oppa?”

Her question got to him and he was forced to look up at her and breakaway from his thoughts. His eyes are wide, as if silently saying: “huh?”

She purses her lips and takes a step closer, the snow crunching under her weight and foot. “Columbia University isn’t the only reason why you’re leaving. You’re mom, she’s sick isn’t she?”

“I – yes,” he says it with a sigh before looking down again, finding interest in the snow covered ground of the park. "It's nothing serious like cancer or diabetes or something. She'll get better once we move there. I've already found a nice town near a forest there, and it's not far from the University so I can visit any time. They don't have to pay for anything for me, if I pass then I'm going to be a scholar and get allowance from the school. They're going to live a better life there, I'm going to see to that."

Jieun couldn't help but smile, admiring how bold and how sure oungbae was of himself. It was heart-warming and touching in many ways, how even with a broken heart, he still cares for others and put family first and how he can still get back up on his knees until he's on his feet once more. 

"You deserve better,"

Youngbae looks up, obviously startled by her words. Their eyes meet and she's smiling, somehow, just by looking at Jieun smile as snow slowly falls around them, he wants to smile too. 

So, he does. "What?"

Jieun takes a step closer, and another, then another until she's right beside him and has her arm linked to his. "Oppa deserves better than Joohyun. When you go to America, meet someone new, someone who's better than Bae Joohyun, okay?" 

He only looks at her, but then he starts seeing the sincerity in her eyes and the meaning behind her smile. So he laughs, and ruffles the top of her head as if she's still a kid. "Ey, of course!" he says, lost in the moment. He doesn't even mind the throbbing of his chest or the heaviness of his heart. At least not in that moment, wherein Jieun has made him happy even for just a second. "Oppa is still young, oppa will meet someone new."

"I hope so," she whispers, lips still curved upwards to form a smile. "Joohyun will regret her desicion, and when that time comes, I hope you've moved on. It's the most you can do after what she's done to you."

His smile turns into a painful one and the light behind his eys dim down a little. They start walking towards the gates of the park because he needs to finish packing and Jieun has to go home for lunch. "I'll try, Jieun. I'll try."

Jieun nods once before letting go of his arm. They walk together in silence, and this was the kind of silence Jieun liked: comfortable and nice. Like pairs of socks or a hot chocolate on a winter day like this.

"Jieun-ah,"

"Yes, oppa?"

"Did you really mean it?"

She turns to him, looking both surprised and confused. "What?" 

"About me deserving better, did you really mean it?" he asks, hopeful.

She smiles and it lights up a spark inside of him, giving him courage. "Of course!" she says cheerfully. "Everyone deserves better, you especially oppa. She was blind to chose Jinwoo over you." 

Youngbae nods, undrstanding what she means. Somehow, he lost the will to defend Joohyun now after what Jieun told her. Ten years of friendship, and she neglected it just for her boyfriend. Youngbae was done, he was absolutely done. He was going to do notihing but move on from her.

He's not going to miss her or long for her. He's going to move on no matter what because  he knows that goodbyes aren't always easy, they're emotionally hard. But he's still going to try and forget. 

When they reach the crossing, Youngbae pauses on the street, he looks from left to right. This is the part where they have to part ways. Youngbae has to go to the right while Jieun, to the left. 

They turn to each other, smiles on their faces and it feels as if they've never been closer before. 

"Bye-bye, oppa."

"Bye, Jieun." 

- this one is the longest by far like omg, sorry if it took so long for me to update! I kind of got lazy in the end of writing this so I'm sorry for errors and misunderstandings. if you have any questions or something to point out, just comment below!