He doesn't hesitate to tell her she's perfect when she comes barging into his room with tears streaming down on her face, and he was so confused because he didn't know why and it was the first time in a long time he had seen her cry. He had just arrived back from university, and was more than ready to start his three-day vacation (because of government holidays that clashed with the weekend) until Bae Joohyun came running into his arms before he could even unpack his belongings. 

Apparently, she had a fight with her friends and it got so big and so out of control that some words had been said and scars were reopened. It must’ve been too personal because she doesn’t even tell Youngbae the whole details.

Joohyun was so devastated over it that she was practically wailing on Youngbae’s bed, almost thrashing too. He sighs while he watches her, and he might’ve seen calm and composed on the outside but on the inside, he was really losing his mind in trying to figure out what to say to calm her down.  

“Joohyun,” he sighs again while sitting down on the bed beside her crying figure. Her back is facing him, and she’s crying into the fabric of his sheets, he guessed it had been wet by then by her tears, but he didn’t mind the least bit. “Please stop – I mean no, just cry.”

He raises a shaking hand and carefully her long raven hair that laid flat on her back, so in the process, he was her hair and her back in hopes of trying to soothe her emotions. “Just cry and let it out, okay? They, your friends, probably said those things out of spite. I’m sure they didn’t really mean it. Besides, words of others won’t matter if you know they’re not true.”

She said something, but it was muffled because she still had her head buried into his bed sheets. “What?” Youngbae leans forward, ear-first, because he fails to catch what it was.

“I said,” Joohyun finally turns around, voice hoarse.

And they were so close, him and her, they’re faces practically and only inches apart from one another. They were so close, so close that he could see the tears hanging on the edge of her eyelashes and he bet she could feel his breathe hitting her face, but even if she did, she didn’t show it. She was unfazed by the closeness between them, unlike Youngbae who could feel his heart beat faster than ever.

“That’s what I’m not sure about.”

Youngbae looked like he didn’t know who he was. “Hu – huh?” he felt dizzy by the close proximity between the both of them, and he’s not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing or a mix of both.

“You said,” she finally leans away and she lays her head on the pillow, her eyes on his bedroom ceiling. “You – you said if – if what they say is – is –“

“Shh,” Youngbae doesn’t let her continue because it seemed as though she might faint if she did even though she was already lying down. Joohyun obeys him and shuts , but bursts into a new batch of tears right after.

“Oh, Joohyun,” Youngbae scoops her upper body up from his bed and hugs her, gently at first and tightly after. Hugging was about the only skinship he could with her because he was used to it (sort of, but not really because it still gave him these ‘butterflies’ inside his stomach like now) but their faces being inches apart from one another? His heart couldn’t really handle that.

“I’m just so – so confused be – be – because, I –“

“Just cry, Joohyun, stop talking.” He says with his voice sounding soft and tender. “Stop talking. Just cry.”

And that’s what Joohyun does. She hugs him a little while later while he cries into his shoulder and he doesn’t even get mad when he feels it getting wetter by the second. Sometime later, he tells her she’s perfect and that nobody should say otherwise because it was the truth (for him at least)

She smiles, just a little, and her eyes still had tears on the corners and her cheeks were stained with them, but she still looked beautiful nonetheless. Her smiles grows wider and his eyes diverts its attention to her sinful lips.

Joohyun appreciates it, she appreciates him and everything he’s done for her; she really does and he could tell, but all she says to him after is: “Thanks Youngbae, you really are the greatest friend ever.”

Suddenly, he thinks twice about kissing her.

-

When the holidays cease to come and the ‘ber’ months are here to stay, Youngbae is back at the university to continue on his studying. Now, he feels like regretting his choice of being a doctor because it’s only been three years in out of six and he already feels like it’s been a lifetime since he’s started. It was a pain, really.

But what wasn’t a pain was talking about Joohyun with his dorm mate, Kang Daesung.

“So, right now, you’re friendzoned?”

Alright, he took that back, talking about Joohyun to others was a pain too. Slightly.

He sighs and stops writing down notes on his notebook. “Yeah, I guess.”

“And you haven’t told her your feelings because..?”

“It’s hard,”

“Mhm, of course it is.”

“I’m serious, Daesung, it is.”

“How old is she again?”

“18,”

“Three years, huh? And, she’s graduating soon,”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“Why can’t you tell her again?”

Youngbae sighs once more and looks at Daesung, who has a genuine expression of wonder and curiosity on his face. Youngbae merely rolls his eyes at this. “Have you tried it?”

“No, the longest crush I’ve had only lasted five months, yours is another story my friend.”

“Exactly, so you won’t know how I feel. I can’t even describe the feeling. I can’t tell the girl I like of 13 years that she makes my heart go crazy when she’s around even to this day.”

“Are you sure you like her?”

Youngbae rolls his eyes again, because with Daesung, he seemed to be doing that a lot more than usual. “Yes, I mean, haven’t you been listening? What do you think, Daesung?”

“I have, and I think that ‘like’ is a pretty petty word to describe the affection you have towards this girl.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that, you know… ‘You’ve liked this girl for 13 years’ seems kind of off but ‘you’ve loved this girl for 13 years’ is nicer to hear, don’t you think?”

“’Love’ is a really strong word,”

“And what you feel towards her is a really strong thing,”

Youngbae doesn’t hesitate a bit when Daesung says this. He stands firm. “Not yet, Daesung. It’s not love yet,”

Daesung rolls his eyes, and lets him be for the time being. “Fine,” he sits back on his chair. “Have it your way, we’re going with your definition of ‘love’ then.”

Youngbae, surprisingly, laughs and Daesung, obviously, frowns because the laugh seems so hollow and so forced that he instantly feels bad for his friend.

You still like her even after everything.

-

He figures it really has been a long time since Joohyun and he have communicated that often and it’s no wonder why really because she was a senior and in her last year so she was bound to be busy and he was in collage with midterms coming up and he was bound to be busy.

But he still figures it’s been a long time because she’s standing there in front of him, smiling and looking all happy and cheerful and bubbly and it’s good – great, even – because this was the Joohyun he came to know and adored over the years and it would’ve been such a joy seeing her smile so wide and so genuinely like that in her red party dress that showed of all the right places of her body save for the fact that her fingers were entwined into someone else’s.

That was the second thing he saw (the first one was Joohyun of course) when he entered the mansion of the Lees, the host of the Christmas party he was currently attending, while walking behind his parents. The Lees were another family friend of their’s and their children, Jieun and Joon, were childhood friends of his and Joohyun so he had to come partly because of that and mainly because of Joohyun.

But now, he obviously wishes he didn’t. He moves away from the main room and tells his parents he’ll go to the kitchen for a drink since Youngbae didn’t like champagne and wanted wine or root beer instead, his mother warns him not to drink too much and his father advices him to enjoy the night.  

God knows he’s not going to listen to either of them. He practically runs to the kitchen, with his heart heavy in his chest and eyes stinging because tears are threatening to come out. Youngbae doesn’t need anybody to guide him because he knows the Lees house as well as he knows his own or Joohyun’s.

He leans against the island counter of their kitchen, his head throbbing without even drinking a sip of alcohol yet and it wasn’t even because of the classical jazz music they were playing in the main room. He still feels his heart aching, and soon, it became too unbearable for him.

“Oppa?”

But then Jieun, the youngest child of the Lees and a close (not true but just close) friend of his, came in and found him sitting on the cold tiled floor of their kitchen. Even when his vision was sort of blurry, she still looked pretty in her long white dress and ponytailed hair.

“Youngbae-oppa, what’s wrong with you?” she helped him up, gave him some water and even a little bit of food, thinking he might’ve passed out and he did, but it wasn’t because he was drunk or hungry. It was because he was hurt, and she didn’t have to know that.

“Who’s that guy with Joohyun?”

“Oh, Jinwoo? He’s Kim Jinwoo, her boyfriend.”

“For – for how long?”

“Three or four months now, I guess.”

Youngbae takes another gulp of water. It had been six months since their last encounter, where he stayed in town for three days and those three days were all spent with her. He knew he should’ve made a move. Now, it was too late.

“Why’d you ask, oppa? Do you like –“

“Where’s your brother?”

Jieun blinks, looking a little confused. “He’s at the back with the other guys, do you want to go with them? They’re drinking and smoking a lot though.”

“Your parents?”

“At the main room, of course.”

Youngbae sighs, and he tries to think twice about this but he couldn’t. He couldn’t see anything ahead of him, not even Joohyun or himself or anyone else. All he could see was darkness.

He sighs, eyes on the ground. “Jieun-ah, I remembered someone telling me you liked me a long time ago.”

He doesn’t see her face turning red and hot, or hears her heart beating faster at the sudden words. “Wha – what?”

“I was wondering if you still do?”

“Youngbae-oppa, I –“

Without much hesitation and no second thoughts, he leans in and captures her lips with his. I’ve been saving this for Joohyun, he says in his head, but it’s too late now.

Jieun doesn’t pull away or pushes him, in fact she kisses back, and Youngbae had his answer right there. One foot in front of the other, one clothing down with the other, one thing led to another and Youngbae finds himself on Jieun’s bed with her on top by midnight.

Youngbae felt relieved, calm and at ease. But it was only like that for a little while, it didn’t last until the end. He’s reminded of memories, flooded by them actually, of him and Joohyun during their last moments together when she was still single and he was still deeply and madly in love with her.

Her eating vanilla ice cream, him eating chocolate ones, them playing video games together and talking to each other and spending time with one another until dusk turned into dawn and the sky went from black to blue.

It’s those memories that makes his heart ache. It’s those memories that makes him cry silently while Jieun is asleep beside him.

The next day, he feels nothing but numbness.