What the hell did I just write  =(((   wahhhh... this is like the worst ending ever :/

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It was quiet around him except for the loud thudding of the taller man’s heartbeat in his ears. He was still wrapped up in those arms, concealing him from the outside world and all the troubles that came with it. For the first time in months he felt relaxed and even though the thought of committing suicide still linger in the dark shadows of his mind, Eric’s presence had somewhat managed to ward those thoughts off.   

It was now a different feeling that assaulted him.

Guilt.

And shame.

For putting these people in this position. For putting them through hell. For never sparing a thought for those around him who suffered along with him. Who still- despite all his mistreatment- put up with him and helped him.

And Eric.

He knew he suffered. He knew that much. He was no joy to live with for the past couple of months. The man suffered probably more than he did. And yet he never offered to console him, had never spared him a kind word. He never really thought how this whole thing affected Eric. It was not like he ignored him or turned away from him; it was just that with everything he was going through he couldn’t bring himself to care. Eric was the person closest to him and so he always faced the brunt of his frustration. And yet he was still here. Still taking care of Minwoo. Still trying to protect him.

God how selfish was he?

The suicidal thoughts were long gone and now the only thing he felt was contempt towards himself.  

He couldn’t find the correct words to apologize and he didn’t want to ruin the moment with some empty, meaningless words. There was nothing he could say that would undo the past or make everything right. There wasn’t anything he could do to make up for all the wrong he’d done.

He buried his face further into the older man’s chest hoping the simple gesture would convey what he couldn't say with words.

Eric’s arms tightened around him in response.

They held each other for a long time.

           ~~~~~~

A groan of protest left his lips as he felt himself being pushed back and away from Eric’s comforting embrace. He tightened his arms around the older man’s waist and tried to hold on. But the hands were persistent and that days’ events had drained his strength. So after letting out a couple of grunts and groans he let himself be pushed back and grudgingly opened his eyes to face the harsh reality.

Eric’s dark eyes swept over his face taking in his withered state- the red puffy eyes and the bags underneath them, his tear stained gaunt face that showed more bone than flesh, the stubble and the unkempt hair. His face never betrayed any emotion of what he was really feeling inside but somehow he knew Eric was not judging him. But there was something in the man’s eyes, something that made him uncomfortable.

He was scared... He realized with a pang.

and I made him like this.

He suddenly found the floor very interesting with all the red streaks and the pills scattered around.

He couldn’t look at this man. He couldn’t face him. 

Then there were these warm hands on his shoulders and then Eric was squatting down to his height, searching his face and forcing Minwoo to meet his gaze.

“Hey… don’t think too much. In a couple days you’ll look back at today and laugh your head off”

He was trying to lighten the mood, Minwoo knew, but given the circumstance it was not the right thing to say. Eric’s watery smile said he had realized that too.

And then he was dragged back towards the taller man and was smothered against his chest.

“You’ll get through this. We will get through this. Do you understand?”

He nodded slightly in agreement. Of course they would.

“We always do…” he mumbled.

Giving a final squeeze of encouragement Eric pulled away from him. Pointedly ignoring the mess around them and the strong fumes of alcohol that were now starting to contaminate the fresh air in the room, he scooped up the remaining pills on the countertop and made his way down the hall.

He stood in silence listening to the receding sound of footsteps, wondering what the other man was doing. He got his answer a couple of seconds later when he heard the toilet flush.

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

Those pills were a like a cancer, growing and growing, sapping out all the strength from him, backing him into a corner with nowhere to hide. It really was the monster in the closet. They scared him beyond belief but at the same time tempted him to take them. Now that they were gone the relief he felt was unimaginable.

Moments later Eric appeared, wiping his hands on his pant legs. He seemed surprisingly unfazed by the events and he seemed to have made up his mind about something as he stalked towards Minwoo. Once reaching he grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the door.

“Eric wha-“

“Come on. You’re not staying here tonight” was the only explanation he got from the man as he was dragged out of his apartment.

        ~~~~~~

Eric dragged him back to his apartment, probably because he thought that it was the best place to keep an eye on him as well as getting some rest. Through the entire trip Eric had chatted aimlessly about everything and nothing, trying to get him out of that veil of poignant dejection but Minwoo knew better.

This was just a front Eric was putting up. He was trying to hide the nervousness caused by Minwoo’s actions. And him chatting like this was probably to assure himself that the past couple of hours were just a big nightmare. He was acting like this for Minwoo’s sake, to make him feel at ease, to not depress him any further.

And Minwoo was grateful: more than grateful actually.

When they had finally gotten to the apartment Eric had dragged him straight to the bedroom. There were no words exchanged between them and he had sat on the bed as Eric paid the bathroom a quick visit. A moment later the older man was back, closing the door and locking it.

Minwoo could feel a small flare of irrational anger burn in the pit of his stomach at this action.

What did Eric think he would do? Slink out of bed in the middle of the night and kill himself?

Although it warmed his heart to see the concern Eric had for him, his actions were a little bit ridiculous.

Everyone knew Eric was a light sleeper. The second he would manage to worm out of his embrace Eric would wake up. He knew that from experience. So locking the door and hiding the key was somewhat unnecessary.

“I’m not going to do anything stupid you know.”

“I know” But he didn’t make any effort to unlock the door.

Minwoo kept quiet. After all it was because of him Eric was acting like this. He couldn’t blame the man.

         ~~~~~~

Long after Eric’s soft snores filled the room, he lay on the bed thinking.

What he almost did was unacceptable. Just because his life felt like crap it didn’t mean he could bail out. And what he did was wrong; skipping his medication, not taking the necessary help, shutting out everyone. It was wrong to treat the people who cared about him like that. His life was worth more than the abrupt end he had planned for it.

His life was worth living.

He loved his friends. He loved his family.

He loved Eric.

And he loved himself.

He was done running away from his fears. It was time to face them head first.

That night he promised himself to make all the effort needed to get better.