Have you ever love someone that can’t be yours?

Blind your eyes when all you see is the longing in his eyes...

Mute your mouth from responding to all the "I love you" pleading from him...

Deaf your ears when all you heard is a sincere love confession...

Freeze your hands from the urge to hold him in your embrace...

It’s suffocating to even breathe the same air...

Worst,

Forbid your heart from loving the person that you love with all your heart...

Because I do.

And it hurt me more than the cancer in my heart.

***

My life was like a series of fireworks that burned too bright, too fast, and faded so early and Changhyun was my night sky.

I am a burst of color that once delighted and fascinated me before disappearing into a dull night sky.

I refused to believe what was on the surface and seek for the face beneath that mask.

I believe that silence has more answers than words. I wondered if they could look at my eyes and find the truth.

But I was a good actor and I was good at manipulating both, love and life.

My night sky even believe me, but what is worse was that sometimes I could see a spark of love on his eyes every time our eyes meet.

 So I pushed him away more and more.

 While at night I close my eyes and pray to God that my night sky would not suffer the way I had suffered.

I hope that his love for me will not consume him the way mine did.

When he finally left I was tormented but I kept a vacant expression settled on my face.

Once again I was a good actor but I could feel my soul becoming tainted.

My soul became more empty and empty until what left was a puddle of black ink.

The fact that I was the fireworks while he was the dull night-sky; engulfing me into his arms before I evaporate and then vanish.

****

This is the hardest part to explain. Did you ever fell in love with someone and know that you would never be able to have them?

Because I do.

Yoo Changhyun.

I love how his name rolled in my tongue smoothly.

I remember how my back shuddered and how much I wanted to turn around just to kiss him. I don't because that was not something you do with your step brother.

Sometimes when our eyes met I could see his eyes spark in love for me. The same spark that I have in my eyes every night after everyone was asleep. We had different rooms because I am the illegitimate child but sometimes I would sneak into his room and watch the way he sleeps. How steady his breath was and I wonder why do I suffocate.

The first time I realized I love him, I was captivated. He reminded me of my long gone mother. His eyes looked like a blue summer sky. I know I am attached to him since we were young. But this is love.

Changhyun has this warm and calm aura that surrounded him. It always makes me feel comfortable around him. He also has his own special smell. He smells better than a bubblegum or rose flower or green grass in a summer day. He smells better than an expensive detergent or soap. I was mesmerized by how he smells and sometimes I would make a lame excuse just to bury my face in his hair or his neck.

That's why I felt at loss and about to surrender to my own feelings when he hugged me on the day of his marriage. I let the hug last longer than what it should be because deep inside I longed for him more than he did. I needed to remember how he smells and memorize his features, a goodbye hug. My heart needed to say goodbye to him. To release him completely. It just never occurred to me that he would do that on his wedding.

It felt like thousand knife stabbing my heart when our precious bracelet I had thrown on his face. It felt like my heart been shredded to pieces when I said the hateful words. When Changhyun closed his eyes before opening it again, I could see it. I could see it in his eyes how much he was ready to say goodbye. The color of his eyes turned darker, more unfamiliar, wild; filled with hatred maybe for me. 

My mother ever said this to me, "If something was destined for you, never in a million years it will be for somebody else."

That time I knew that I needed to let him go, that was the cost I needed to pay for ignoring my own heart. And I was wrong when I said my heart needed to say goodbye to him, I was wrong. I was the one who needed to say goodbye to my own heart, because ever since the day Changhyun got married, he took my heart with him.

Now tell me how long could a man survive without his heart?

I am awake 3 weeks after the incident on Changhyun’s marriage with a new heart in me. But I felt empty. Ever since that day, my heart has completely gone along with Changhyun, even though the beating under my ribcage sound fresh and alive. It doesn’t bring any meaning because I am dead. To me.

Sometimes, my mind wonders on a lonely dull night, why did they saved me. Why someone has to donate his heart for me.

I am anxious.

Furious even.

Because I don’t deserved all this. This heart. This life. And this feeling inside me that now strongly yearning for love. For Changhyun.

This heart and this life is suffocating me.

What I has learnt throughout all this mess - Life is cruel. No matter how much its tear you apart. No matter how much you beg. It won't change a thing. Life is life and you have nothing to control it.

Life gave me the first blow 15 years ago. The day when my mother left me alone in this world with a fresh fact that my surname supposedly Yoo instead of Choi. That I am the illegitimate seed of my mother and Changhyun’s father.

And the fact - the only fact that crushed my heart to the point I have no heart at all.

The hurtful one.

The painful.

The one that excruciating inside me.

That we are step brother.

Changhyun and me.

And that mean just one thing. There is no Changhyun and me.

There is Changhyun.

And there is me.

In separate sentences

In different life.

***

It has been 2 year, 7 months and 2 weeks since my heart transplanted. Since the last day I met Changhyun. After his marriage, he went to Canada along with Sae Mi, handling Yoo’s and Kim’s new branch there. Living, perhaps happily married life. Might also blessed with beautiful kids along the way.

Changhyun deserved that. The picture perfect.

That is why I have been holding back my feeling all these times. Jeopardizing my own heart, vandalizing my own senses. All these self-destruction, just for him to have that picture perfect life, which he never asked for.

The perfect life where he should growing up as a normal heir without me, as the lovesick step brother he never know.

The perfect life when he became the director without me, as the dirty next in line.

The perfect life when he got married to a beautiful woman without me, as the pathetic other half that out of norm.

I know he doesn’t want it. The picture perfect. It showed in his eyes in his pleadings; in his actions.

Trying to convince me otherwise.

But I love him. Too much till I can sacrifice my love and my life for him.

As long as Changhyun happy, then I am happy. That what love is all about.

Because that what I thought I would feel. And that what I thought Changhyun would feel.

Again, times proved me wrong.

Now, my interactions with people around me has been less than minimal. Sometimes it goes to none at all. All I do is all about work. And work.

The only person I frequently talks to is Mr Yoo. He still so kind to me, or maybe that is empathy I saw through his eyes, tinted with a fade shade of guilty. I never know.

Recently, he start teaching me about management and introducing me to the board of directors. I am a bit perplexed. I don’t deserved this. I don’t deserved the right to call him father but he insisted.

With a small smile, he insisted.

Behind that genuine smile, I could see there are something that pleading eyes want to tell me. He tried, several times to talk to me. But I sensed that something is holding him to do it. Something that might be hurting him or me because his mouth was quivering and eyes considering.

Until one day.

The day when I overheard his phone conversation. That day when life gave me the second blow.

It the usual day in the middle of our dinner when suddenly the maid rushed in, interrupted with a phone in hand and a pair of worried eyes.

She whispered something at Mr Yoo’s ear that make the elder flinched and immediately excused himself to his office. I just shrugged. It would be an urgent business matter.

After finished my meal, as usual I went straight to my room, that just 2 rooms away from Mr Yoo office. I almost stop my track near his office when I heard a faint sobbing sound. I decided to ignore until I heard it, the soft pleading of a name. Changhyun.

My heart beating wildly and I felt my breath stopped.

Steps froze right in front of the office door.

I heard again, the sobbing.

“So it caused infection to your heart?” It was Mr Yoo’s voice. He paused a few minutes, listening to the other end.

Then he continued with “They only detected it now?! Over 2 years after the surgery? Omg son, please stay strong. I will get the earliest flight to Canada tomorrow. I know you are strong, Changhyun.”

The sobbing continued. And I can’t feel my legs. My shivering hands clutched tightly to my chest.

“Are you sure? Okay son, I will keep this from him. I promise. Take care” Mr Yoo’s voice cracked at the end and he sobbed harder.

The sobbing sound became louder and I don’t know any more if it’s from Mr Yoo’s or mine.

I felt myself collapsed to the floor. Body shook as my knee hit the ground. Tears emerged from my eyes. Feeling so helpless. A pain grew in my chest..  Exactly in my heart.

Everything come into pieces now.

The heart transplant.

Surgery.

Infection.

All leads to one person. Yoo Changhyun.

The pain in my chest grew bigger and bigger and I sobbed louder and louder. I lost my world. My everything and it was all my fault.

“Changhyun”

With shattered soul and tortured heart, I breathed out that name into the air.

A/N: I wanted to say thank you to you guys for read, subscribed and upvoted. Thank you for the feedback that makes me so happy but feel burdened too in the same time. Because people will put high expectations for my next chapter and i'm afraid it won't satisfy them. I hope this met your expectation.

No matter how much I re-read it and re-write this, it's just won't be perfect. It just won't fit perfectly the way I wanted it to be. Until I realized something important.

You can't made everyone happy.

You can't made everyone feeling satisfied.

All you can ever do is to let people love you who are imperfect.

And so does Jonghyun.

He loves Changhyun no matter how much of a broken state he was in.

He loves Changhyun in the imperfect way that makes its perfect.

In the end,he does always love Changhyun..

I’ve prepared an epilogue for this story.

Everyone deserved to be happy. Everyone deserved to feel love. So does Jonghyun and Changhyun.

I hope you guys stay with me till the last.

Thank you and I love you !

Shall you need something sweet and fluffy to mend your heart, fell free to check my short story/ prompt for Ricky birthday~~here ..

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1095014/a-kiss-for-you-changjo-ricky-changrick