A/N : I dont usually put author note at the beginning of the story..as a reminder for my lovely readers; this is a pure angst..i also felt sorry when writing this story..it hurt me, truthfully..

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He is so flawless; just looking at him took my entire breath away.

I tried hard to not to smiling widely at the picturesque in front of me. My eyes beamed as they trailed along with the movement of the delicate long fingers that beautifully running on the flat screen of the tablet. The y veins lingered up until the bulky upper arms that hide under the gray sleeves. That milky long neck with a mouth watering adam apple down to heaving chest muscle.

I swear that I will never get tired of devouring the hunky guy that stood still beautifully beside my father as my eyes continue to running along at the sight of pink full lips to the small mole at the end of the guy upper lip; making it look sweetly y.

My eyes grew wider when they make contact with the guy eyes; staring down into my soul.I can felt heat on my cheeks but I keep on staring at his lidded eyes.

Those eyes seem cold as if something hidden behind. Something that I wish I can get close to.

I wish..

"Changhyun?"

Father's voice ring in my ears, making me startled. Eyes quickly darted to the source of the stern voice.

"Yes, father. I am sorry." I gave a weak smile to my father, Mr Yoo; the director for Yoo Company, one of the leading company for textiles industry.

By the edge of my eyes, I saw the guy scoffed. 

Then, I felt pain in my chest.

"Jonghyun will teach you everything about our company and director's jobscope. He will shows you the previous project paperworks and anything that I have done before. If anything unclear to you, just ask Jonghyun. He knows everything. He is the best assistant for me, our company and so will you."

Yes, Jonghyun. Choi Jonghyun; the hunky guy that been eyes- by me just now.

He is my father's personal assistant. Jonghyun is the son of our old maid, but she died when Jonghyun was 15 years. He has been with Yoo family since his birth. Jonghyun is more like family to my parent.

But for me, Jonghyun is my beautiful sun; that shine brightly in my life. My first and forever love.

Truthfully, my one sided love.

"Changhyun? Is something wrong? If you are not ready to take my position, just tell me son. I will try to arrange with our shareholders to gains more time to you to be prepared." Father's cold hand squeezed my hand slightly, gaining my attention.

Responding to him, I squeezed back the old hand and give him my assuring smile. "No father. Everything is great. We will proceed as your wish."

"Great. I will leave it to you both. Make me proud, son." I squeezed father's hand more tightly so he knows he can depends on me. The company is his everything beside his family.

So, I will do everything to protect his precious treasure.

In the same time fighting for my only treasure, Choi Jonghyun.

*

Ten years ago, the first time I fall hopelessly in love.

The first time my young heart craving to love and to be loved.

The first time my heart clenched because of my love one been hurted.

The first time I felt the urges to protect and love someone so tightly.

The first time I embraced the quivering body.

Also, the first time those pair of eye started to became ice-cold.

It was raining heavily the day when Jonghyun's mother died. The sky pitched black in the darkness; alone without blinking stars. The night that watched a 15 years old boy streaming in tears, hands clutching tightly to his mother pale frozen body. Making the night drenched in sorrow.

His sobbing and mourning make my heart shattered into pieces, like we sharing the same pain. That is the first time I saw him crying.

The Jonghyun I used to knows never cry. He was once a very lively and funny boy. The sunshine that shining brightly and been lightning my days beautifully. We were always together, as if being attach by hips.

I rubbed his back gently, telling him that its okay.

But in reality, its not okay. Not for Jonghyun.

He stopped eat weeks after his mother funeral. He became depressed and refused to live, like he is fighting with something more than just his mother's death. He breathed, but I could see that sadness and sorrow consuming him slowly.

He turned out to be like a living corpse.

More worst, he treated me like a total stranger and gave me cold shoulder every single time I tried to make conversation or consoled him.

Starting that time, I am a beggar craving for his love.

It is full of pains and heartbreaks.

But for one person my heart beating for, I need it to be Jonghyun.

*

Nowadays, I felt really exhausted; the exploding of works, the tension of sudden responsibility to be handle and worst, my feelings.

The pathetic one sided love of mine.

It became worse day by day. The pain become more unbearable.

Jonghyun rarely talk and our conversation solely about work and work only.Despite my pleading and continuous begging, he completely ignored me. He ignored me, collapsing and choking on my tears. My heart keep throbbing painfully in my chest.

Its pathetic cause I am crying alone without anyone to comfort me.

Not even myself.

*

I paused my works when my sight became slightly blurry and my head spinning. The world goes upside down. My body slided down the mahogany chair as I massaged my scalp gently, closing my eyes.

The tension really consumed me slowly. The workloads make me rarely have time to pamper myself. I dont remember the last time I get myself one day of fully rest.

The last meal I ate was the chinese take-out for the last dinner.

Knock Knock

My eyes shutted closed and I cant even mutter an Come In when the cracked sound of door being opens echoed inside my office room. 

My body jolted up when a pair of hands slowly massaged my scalp, sending shiver down to my spine. Its felt good and my body relaxed due to the touch. Slowly I am drifted to sleep.

I felt to sicks to even open my eyes so I just let myself gone to dreamland.

I dont know who but those hands felt familiar.

It felt like Jonghyun.

And, it felt like dream.

I woke up to the shaking touches on my shoulder and saw my secretary, Jessica as I opened my eyes. 

"I am sorry Sir but it is already past office hours and I thought you.." She stuttering when I cut her words.  "No. Its okay. Thank you for reminds me. " I gave her my weak smile.

Then I saw Aspirin and a glass of water on my table. It was reminded me of the feeling of those delicate fingers that massaged my head. Was it dream?

"Jessica, where Mr Jonghyun?". It could be Jonghyun. My face lit up to the thought.

"Ouh. Mr Jonghyun already left this afternoon. He have outside work to be handle and he asked me to remind you for your dinner with Kim's Corporation tonight. He said that its really important dinner. I already prepared all the document needed." 

I tried to smile as Jessica make her way out from my office after she reminds of few other things that unable to be processed in my mind.

So, he is not in the office. Its not him.

What am I hoping for? It just a dream.

I laughed. Its dry and sadonically pathetic.

*

Months by months passed without been noticed. Time flies so fast and nothing ever changed. 

Our company had became successful with all the international projects and been recognize world wide. It was Christmas and and we had our special dinner at home as usual. Before, it always my parent, Jonghyun and I. But now the Kim's family came along. Everything went so smooth until Mr Kim has to say something.

"For the future of both of our company, I thinks it now the right time to announces this delightful news. Mr Yoo and me already agreed that we will continue our cooperation and bonding of both family through marriage." Everyone at the table clapped, including Jonghyun.

Ofcourse he do. He used to cared.

Again, i felt it, the pang in my heart.

I am not stupid to not realize whose wedding it is when Mr Kim eyes keep glancing at his daughter, Sae Mi and me. Faking a smile, I excused myself to have a talk with my father.

"Please father, tell me this is not true...please...you knew I love Jonghyun..whyy..?" My father hold on my shaking shoulders when I was about to collapsed on the marbled floor in his room.

He just stand there, hands rubbing my shoulder slowly. I saw the looks in his old eyes. Pain. Guilty. Sympathy.

"All of this is true son. I am sorry but this is for you. I am doing this for your own good. I cant bear to see your suffering anymore. Maybe this is the best afterall. Please, do it for me." His weak legs then fall on the floor, head sobbing on my shoulder.

Deep in my heart I knows there is a secret that my father unable to tell me.

There is secret beneath his guilty eyes.

"I am sorry Changhyun. I am doing this for you.." I lost in his whimpering.

I dont have more energy to ask even to refused all this. Slowly, I nodded my head.

Maybe, this is the best afterall.

Hot tears escaped my eyes and flowed down my cheeks.

Frustrated.

Devastated.

Exhausted.

*

 I stood in the full length mirror, looking at my reflection in the all black suit. It doesnt felt like wedding but funeral.

My own funeral.

I cant do all this when my heart is crazily beating for Jonghyun. Craving for Jonghyun. I dont even know when things started gone wrong. My knee gone weak as I collapsed infront of my pathetic reflection. 

I want to scream to the world to stop.

For time to stop. For this wedding to stop. But I cant. Nothing come out from my mouth and it just make me more frustrated. My chest suffocated. I was struggling with my own tears when my eyes spotted the purple bracelet make of embroidery floss on the side table.

I grabbed the bracelet and the blue red embroidery of words on the purple bracelet. 

Changhyun&Jonghyun

I still remembered when we were 10, Jonghyun always took me to the small river behind our mansion. The place is so heavenly beautiful. It felt like the place just belong to Jonghyun and me. 

It was the day after I healed from fever. Jonghyun eagerly wants me to come with him to our place. His eyes seem puffy and he took care of me carefully. His cheeks flashed a crimsom red, maybe from the sunlight. Its so adorable.

"Changhyun ah, can you promise me something?" The adorable Jonghyun stuttering and its totally cute. 

"Okay. What it is?" Jonghyun moved closer and just few inchs from me. He hold my left hand. " Promise me that you will always be with me." The steamed bun cheeks of Jonghyun became more red.

"Why would I leave you? I will tell father to stay at this house forever and let you stay with me." My eyes sting imagined my life without Jonghyun.

Who will waiting for me after school? Who will play hide and seek with me? Who will  company me reading our favourite books?

Tears left my eyes.

" Yesterday when you sick, i felt very lonely. Umma said if you sick you cant play with me anymore. I dont want Changhyunnie to be sick. I want to be with you. So, umma teach me how to make bracelet. Umma said if I give you this bracelet you will never sick and can always be by my side." Jonghyun paused and took my hand.

"Here.." Purple coloured bracelet flashed in my sight. My mouth keep smiling ear to ear when Jonghyun tied the bracelet at my left hand."Can you promise me Changhyunnie?"

A deep shade of pink covered my cheeks, shyness running through my body. I nodded and hugged Jonghyun.

I held him tighter and buried my face onto his chest."Then Jonghyunnie also will forever by my side, right?" Jonghyun smiled.

Two pinky fingers knotted together.

Hoping for forever.

Still, memories remain memories.

And promise are made to be broken.

My heart shattered again as if been stabbed by thousand of knifes.

With those memories and broken promises and the purple bracelet, I ran to Jonghyun room. I just wants a last chance before everythings over. Before the marriage happen.

Pushing the door of Jonghyun's room open, I saw him standing at the balcony of his room; hands clutching tightly to his chest and sweats dripping from his forehead. His eyes grew bigger to my present in his room.

I didnt give him a chance to speak when I hugged him from behind, face buried at the crook of his neck; inhaling his scents. I need to remember how he smells and memorize his features.

"Please, for only this time. Stay." I pleaded, tighting my held. Jonghyun stopped his trials to pried my hands away.

We stay for few minutes that felt like forever to me until he break free from my held. Before he going inside, I reached for his sweating-cold hand. "Jonghyun..where did we gone wrong..I am tired - too tired.." My words sound much to pleading. Jonghyun body flinched but he just stood still.

"Please. Go. There is nothing wrong and you are getting marry." The words uttered from the Jonghyun make my mind gone blank from his cold voice. With that, he pushed my hand, brought himself away from me.

Along with my heart.

"Choi Jonghyun, say you hate me from the first moment of our meeting and I will never begging for your love again. Say it" My voice quivering as I bring myself a few inchs infront of Jonghyun. I took his left hand. Shakingly, I put the bracelet on his palm and held his hand.

Please dont say it.

Please dont say it.

Please dont.

Please.

"I hate you Changhyun. Always hate you. And this.." He pulled his hand from my held along with our purple bracelet. He paused for a moment before he throw the bracelet to my face. " ..is nothing to me."

The pang in my chest become louder. My heart shattered to pieces. Crumpled by the last person that in my mind would do that.

I am suffocated.

I cant breath.

Its over.

Still, I cant breath.

*

When the music start, everyone stood up and Saemi, wearing a beautiful white wedding gown, walked down the aisle hand in hand with Mr Kim. All the audiences fascinated with her beauty. All eyes were on her.

But my eyes wandered around, looking for that certain person. Everything is over. But, I just cant.

I cant let him go. He will always here; in my heart. 

And he not even there in my wedding day.

That thought killed me. I tried to smile when Mr Kim handed Saemi to  me on the altar. Ceremony started and everyone when silent.

With each word that the preacher said, I could feel myself dying. I was sick. I could feel my palm becoming sweaty and my breath heavier. Tears prickled at my eyes and my heart broken into million little pieces.

My nightmare came true.

"If anyone have any objection on Yoo Changhyun and Kim Saemi wedding, please speak now." The preacher said.

I wants to speak. To objects my own wedding. Then I gazes at my father, looking at his guilty eyes as he gave me the old crooked smile.

And I gave in. For my father..

I looked down and waited for the ceremony to continue. Seconds passed and the preacher was about to speak again.

"I do." My heart stopped beating to my father voice. " I do have something to tell my son before we proceed on this wedding. Mr Kim, I am sorry that things happen to be like this but I need to talk to Changhyun for a while." With that, my father excused himself and me out from the church.

My heart beating really fast until my father opened his mouth again.

"Its about Jonghyun..He is.." My father kept talking but I cant process anything me.

I am froze on my spot. Heart stopped beating. World spinning and everything became blank. Pitched black.

*

Later, I found myself heading to hospital. Jonghyun was diagnosed of primary cardiac tumor.

A heart cancer.

While day by day I am craving for his heart, he was fighting for his heart. The disease formed after his mother death. Jonghyun make my father promise to keep his sickness secret from me. But dad couldnt stand it after Jonghyun's condition got more critical on my wedding day and now he had been lying uncinscious for a week.

He is suffering more than I do.

He needs me.

Yes. He needs me.

*

"Are you serious? You can't do that, Changhyun!" My eyes met my father's, his forehead creased with lines of concern and pain.

I nodded.

"This is the right to do , Father. This is the only thing I can do for him afterall." I was smiling, but also feeling sad.

"No , you dont have to." My father said. He look weak and vulnerable. "What if the it fail? I dont want to lose you, Changhyun. And you are married."

"This is the right thing to do, and promise me you will never tell Jonghyun about this. Dont worry, father. Doctor say there is more percentage of my survival and I already talk to Mr Kim and Saemi. They understand."

A lump formed in my throat and tears blurred my vision. But this time,

I chose to be strong and brave.

For my love and my half brother.

Choi Jonghyun.

Yes, on my wedding day not only I found that Jonghyun have heart cancer but he also my half brother.

A son of my father with his mother. I am felt so stupid to not aware of this.

I am in love with my own brother.

Life is so cruel.

To me and to Jonghun.

*

When I went to see Jonghyun, I wasnt aware that I was holding my breath. He still looked the same like the last time I saw him on the wedding. However, he looked so weak and fragile that he might die without the tubes supporting him.

I held his hand, feeling his cold skin against mine. It used to be warm. My eyes swelled and I tried to shake it off but I just couldnt. Tears began rolling down my cheeks  and I felt so bitter.

Even when we both survive from this operation,

We cant never be together.

But I will keep our promise.

When he look inside his deepest heart, he would find me. 

That place between sleep and being awake, he would find me.

Because a part of me will always be with him forever.

Forever until his last breath.

I loved him and much willing to give him the most vital organ; my heart.

My heart that would love him forever.

My heart that would breathe for him.

My heart that would beat for him.

For Choi Jonghyun.

###

A/N: Ommooo..i cant believe im able to finish this lengthy- story..1st of all. my apology if this didnt meet your expectations./bows/

2nd, please anticipate Choi Jonghun point of view. 

can you really hate someone that you love with all your heart?

click next to find the answer.

and lastly, feel free to comment and subcribe.

I heart you~