It's almost Shinae's birthday, Jinri keeps on reminding me. Our young daughter is turning four and even though I have only spent about half a year with her, I feel like she has grown a lot.

Jinri begins to plan her birthday party and leaves me in charge of buying the birthday present, a child's kitchen play set. I assume that's why we are shopping in the baby/toddler section but it turns out we aren't shopping for Shinae, but for Soojung and Jongin's unborn baby. Jinri drops a bunch of baby items into the trolley, and I go along with everything she buys as I am unfamiliar to all of this.

We enter the clothes department and Jinri squeals over all the cute, miniature outfits. Her hand lingers on a pink dress and she wears this nostalgic smile so I assume that she's reminiscing about the time when Shinae was born.

"I wish we could have another baby," she admits quietly, and her statement surprises me as I raise my eyebrows.

"I think Shinae's a perfect kid and we don't need any more," I state rather too quickly, because I don't want her to proceed further with this topic.

Jinri looks sad for a second but she doesn't give up and tries again. "Wouldn't it be nice oppa? Maybe a boy for a change? He'd be a little Lee."

I reject her way of cooing over an imaginary child by saying that three Lees are plenty.

My answer causes her to pout in irritation before turning on her heels and walking away from me. She continues shopping but ignores me and my opinion about her choices in clothing, the rest of the day.

I stay quiet because I can't tell Jinri the real reason behind my disapproval about having another child; that I was scared of taking on another responsibility when I already knew I wasn't cut out to be a father.

ღ ღ ღ

We have dinner quite late that evening. Jinri saying she isn't feeling well so I cook something special for her (burnt, fried rice) and give Shinae a cheese sandwich.

Jinri gives me a loving smile as she gets up from bed, eating what my horrible cooking has conjured.

"It's delicious," she says, taking another mouthful.

I join her in bed and we watch an old movie playing on television. My mind gets distracted when Jinri begins getting emotional over the woman who's husband has left her and my conversation with Chanyeol comes flooding back.

"Jinri," I say.

"Yes, oppa," she replies, her eyes focused on the TV.

"Have I hurt you more than I should have?" I ask, hoping that she would find a way to vanquish all the past regrets smouldering my heart.

Instead she turns off the TV and faces me, an anxious look in her eyes.

"What is this all about?" Our hands are resting between us and I begin holding her smooth fingers.

"I heard from Chanyeol the other day," I take a deep breath, my stomach unsettled by the nerves, "that you were stressed, beyond depressed, jobless."

Jinri immediately curses at Chanyeol under her breath.

She looks down for a second and then looks back up at me, biting her quivering lip. She inhales deeply and asks painfully: "What else?"

So I tell her everything and by the end of our conversation, Jinri is crying in my arms, hitting my shoulder, telling me how much of an I was, how much she hurt every day, how I should've believed her when she said that I was the only one for her.

That night when Jinri's tears become dry, she falls asleep in my arms. However, she begins turning in her sleep with a sad, worried expression on her normally serene face and I wonder if she's having a nightmare about what we both fear. 

The fear of losing each other.

ღ ღ ღ

I finally get a call for a job at my ex-company, SM Entertainment. I had promised myself never to live under so much scrutiny again and was far better off working in a secluded office with papers than on stage, always under the netizens’ radar.

However, when I heard that the company wanted me to train the younger generation of SM in dancing, I had second thoughts. After all, dancing was the one thing that had set me free in my restricted world as an idol and maybe sharing that gift with the future stars of the idol world, would do them (and me) some good.

Thus I spent weeks getting my feet to cooperate again, started choreographing my own dance routines and then the day I saw the fresh faces of my new students, I felt warmth diverge through my body. I saw my old self in them and that made me happy.

I grow fonder of my class every day and they also respect me, always calling me with adoration, always thanking me for my help. It makes me feel like I’m finally doing something right.

ღ ღ ღ

A week passes and Shinae finally begins kindergarten, leaving Jinri and I with some time to ourselves. As much as I hate to admit it and as much as I adore my daughter, I am glad that I don’t need to take care of her all day anymore. If I called netizens and idol life stressful, I can now state that there is nothing more stressful than running after a three year old child (soon to be four) who is constantly thinking of ways to put herself in danger and giving me a heart attack on a daily basis.

We are sitting on our bed, quietly resting after a week of school shopping and I tell Jinri about yesterday’s events, when Shinae and Junmyeon-hyung’s daughter ran away from us during our park date.

“Junmyeon-hyung never once looked that stressed in his life, not even while he was EXO’s leader for 10 years. He got so frustrated that I just tried to stay on his good side and momentarily forgot about the fact that my own daughter was also missing,”

“I always thought he had a really weird personality. He smiles wide but he always seems stressed out under his huge grin,” Sulli remarks as her toes play with mine.

“Yeah,” I sigh. “I’m glad he married someone who always keeps him on his toes and isn’t dim-witted like all the money-lusting girls he dated in the past.”

“Jessica-unnie is very capable of running a home. She’s so firm, Junmyeon-oppa can’t even waver. And now with a third kid on the way, I can just imagine how much she’s working him. No wonder his nerves are collapsing.” Sulli sighs as she takes my fingers in hers, so gently, caressing them that I wonder what she wants. She only does this when something’s bothering her.

“What’s wrong Jinri,” I ask, pushing her brown hair to the side and behind her ear.

She looks at me and for once, doesn’t hesitate.

“I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had listened to you when we broke up and married someone else,” her fingers are slowly beginning to interlock with mine and soon our hands are clasped together. “I had had many proposals, at one point even Chanyeol said that he was willing to live with us, if that’s what made me happy.”

Once again, a sick feeling churns in my stomach. Now I understand why I wasn’t getting a good vibe from Jinri and Chanyeol’s relationship ever since I came back; because something had happened or almost did.

“I wonder if I was married to someone else after you came back, how would I feel? Would I have regrets or would I just feel bad that your child is under the care of someone else?”

I don’t know where Jinri is heading with this but it’s putting a damp cloth on my mood.

“Are you saying that you only stuck by me out of pity?” I try to be calm but it comes out sounding harsh.

Jinri is taken aback and looks at me with a stunned expression before she collects herself. “No…of course not..”

I don’t buy it. I don’t believe her denial. I shake my head and then turn her towards me gently so she’s looking at me as my eyes bore into hers, focused.

“Then can you say that your feelings for me haven't changed?”

She is speechless; her eyes fully wide, momentarily twitching as if she’ll utter something but nothing comes out and when she closes without saying anything, I realize I’ve gotten my answer.

I let go of her, backing away from her in shock, my fingers slightly trembling as they curl around the sheet beneath me.

“I don’t know, oppa,” she says, her voice becoming quieter as she speaks. “I just don’t know.”

ღ ღ ღ

I come home at two after drinking who knows how many shots with Jongin as we mull over our lives. Jongin suddenly fears the prospects of becoming a father and how his marriage with Soojung might change after having children while I try to comprehend my entire life.

I think I had cried because I remember Jongin patting my back and telling me, it’s okay, it happens. Women can be hormonal, that Soojung sometimes closes the door on him but I know that my situation is different.

“They hate you one day,” he had said after gulping down another shot. “And they make love to you the next.”

I know he’s completely inebriated because Jongin doesn’t talk about his life otherwise.

We have to take a taxi home, the both of us, because we are in no condition to walk, let alone drive. 

I call Jinri and she manages to pick up on the first ring. In my intoxicated state, I assume she was waiting for me to get home. She helps me out of the taxi, putting one of my arms around her shoulder and closes the door after waving back to drowsy Jongin. We get inside and she lets me fall onto the sofa and I breathe heavily, taking in massive amounts of air, as if I ran a marathon.

I am so buzzed but somehow I’m aware of how Jinri lets out a piercing shriek as I get up and pin her between the wall and I, how my mouth crashes onto hers, how my lips muffle her complaints, how the pounding on my chest slowly seizes, how she puts her arms around me after awhile, how she plays with my hair, how hot it is and that she ends up unbuckling my pants for me, how she wore the same lingerie on our honeymoon, how the pillows catch me with Jinri on top of me, how I am submissive to all her touches, how I love touching Jinri so much, how she calls out my name in want, how being inside of her is heaven.

“Thank you, Jinri,” I choke out as she looks down at me and I think her eyes are a bit glossy.

She bends down and kisses me on the forehead, on my nose, on my cheeks, on my lips. Jinri kisses me everywhere and I want her to continue forever.

“Please don’t ever leave me,” I cry.

But I pass out before I hear her answer.

ღ ღ ღ

A/N: I hope that mini scene at the end makes some of you happy. Don't worry, there are two instalments left to this fic and there won't be a sad ending, but you just have to wait and see how it plays out. Next chapter will be the to their situation.

Comments, Upovtes and Subscriptions are very much appreciated, chingus :)