I try not to look at Sangwoo - aka the biggest bully of all, but when he throws a small rock at me, I turn around instinctively.
"Dare to look me in the eyes?", he says with a heavy voice.
As usually, he looks like he's perfectly ready to beat me up.

"Just let me walk home...", I mutter and turn away from Sangwoo.
I can't walk far though - Sangwoo's friends have already reached me.
My heart starts beating fast, my hands start sweating and I can feel the tears gathering up my eyes.

They are all around me.

I can't run away.

Sangwoo lays his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. Hard.
All I can think is that I really don't want to get beaten up.

He pushes my shoulder so hard I fall on the ground.
My bag falls off and I know from experience, that this is the point I should cover my face.

All five boys, including Sangwoo, start kicking me.

My stomach, my back, my legs, my head.

The pain rushes through my whole body. I want to scream, but I don't have enough power.
Sangwoo keeps telling me how awful person I am. He seems to really enjoy hurting me, physically and menthally.
"Please, stop...", I say, still not taking my hands from my face.

From the gap of my two fingers I can see Sangwoo showing some kind of hand sign to the others.

They stop kicking me, when one of them has kicked my ankle harder than ever.
"Thanks for the money, Kris. See you.", Sangwoo says and dangles two 50,000 won notes.

Usually he doesn't take money. This is new.

Sangwoo laughs and they all start running away.
Till this point I've managed to hold my tears in but now they run down my face as an endless flow.

I cry on the ground for a little while, until I notice the pain in my ankle.
I start feeling sick, but I know I have to get up. I can pity myself at home.

I don't have to suffer for a long time, since my house is less than half a mile away.
As soon as I see myself from the mirror in my hallway, I'm sure I won't be in a good shape tomorrow.

Tears start to fall down again.

I'm literally covered with blood and bruises.
Luckily I covered my face – it's the only place I can't cover with my school uniform afterwards.

This is not the first time Sangwoo beats me up with the help of his friends.
He has been doing this for a few years – physical violence. Before that he bullied me just by words.
Back then it felt horrible, but after knowing what the other option feels like... I would be glad to be called a every day.

I do what I do every time this happens.

Change my clothes, clean the wounds, lay down to the couch, calm down.

But why did Sangwoo take money today? Usually he doesn't steal anything.
Or at least I haven't noticed anything... No, I'm sure he hasn't stolen anything from me.

My body hurts everywhere, tears flow down my face and I feel like fainting, but I don't want the pain to end.
Sangwoo is right. I am a failure. I act a tough guy at school. Everybody looks up to me.
But as soon as those people can't see me anymore, I turn into a helpless little boy. Others' punching bag.

I deserve to be punished for that, don't I?

I want to increase the pain, and I reach for the table next to the couch I'm laying on.
Just when my fingers touch one of the blades, I feel stabbing pain in my shoulder.
I bemoan from the deepest pits of my lungs and my arm falls to the ground.

"Can't you do anything right, Kris... Anything...?", I whisper to myself through the sobs.

The blade is my friend for the night.
It comforts me in the best way that I can come up with.

Cutting.

 

 

The next day doesn't really differ from other days – except for the fact that I'm in constant pain.
”Are you okay, Kris? Your hand is shaking.”, Minseok whispers to me in the history lesson.

We are not allowed to talk, but we still do. Every time.
”I'm fine, don't worry.”, I lie right to his face.

I avoid talking to others, especially to my teammates, for the whole day.
I'm afraid that my voice might crack or they'd accidentally see some of the scars. Hiding them wasn't as easy as I had thought – Sangwoo and his friends really did a good job this time.

But the most important of all, I need to stick into my role.
The tough guy.
My face has the same expression for the whole day, I don't smile, I don't talk.
It's tiring, but no one would take me or my team seriously if I didn't do it.

And it's the only shelter I have.

Avoiding the team goes very well until the very last period.
After Chen disturbs the lesson by throwing eraser pieces towards Yixing, Mr. Kwon – our literature teacher – decides to make Chen sit next to me.
He knows that Chen appreciates me enough to behave.

I shake my head when he sits on the chair next to me giggling.
As soon as he gets himself together, he leans closer to my ear.
”Do you want to hang out later? The whole team is coming.”, he whispers.
I'm torn: on the other side I know I shouldn't pity myself for the whole day, but I still don't want to take the risk of them getting to know what's really up.

”Is Tao coming?”
If he'll be there, so will I. Seeing his innocent smile can do nothing else but cheer me up, right?
”Of course, he is a part our team now, remember?”, Chen says and winks.
I nod and he tells me to come to the football field after class.

”We are not playing, right? I really am not in the mood.”
”No, we just agreed to meet there. I think it's the only place Yixing can come to without getting lost.”
”Good... I'll see you there.”
”You seem strange. Are you oka-”
”Yeah.”

 

 

We have a blast, and I know I would've regretted not going there afterwards.
I forget about the pain for a second, but then it comes back, feeling even more horrible than before.

Tao is quite natural with us by now, and it really brings a smile on my face.
”Kris, how long have you been playing football?”, he asks me when we all – except for Luhan – sitting on the grass.
We are all covered with sweat once again, after playing a quick match.
I had promised myself not to play, but when Tao asked me to join, I agreed before even realising it.

”Since I was 8. So... quite a long time.”, I answer.
Tao looks surprised. He nods slowly and once again smiles the beautiful smile of his.
”That really is a long time... Can I ask you why you started?”
I'd love to answer 'no, you can't', but I end up just mumbling.
”I... I'm... I was...”

I really don't know what to answer. I don't want to tell everything to the new kid yet, but at the same time I don't want to lie. It's a bit of a sensitive topic for me, so I just look at Lay – the only friend of mine who knows the whole story.

Lay nods, and I walk away.
I don't want to hear it, even though I can't stop thinking about it.

My life has been full of letting go, and it started when I was just 5 years old.
I had to let go of my father, as he left me and my mother. He did it in a good way, not ruining our relationship or anything, but it still did hurt.
I've lost tens of friends, mostly because of moving all the time.

When I was 8, I got into a huge fight with one of my friends.
I was afraid that I'd yet lose another person from my life, and soon I found myself crying in the school bathroom.
There was others in the bathroom too, but I realised it too late.
They started making fun of me, because I was crying.

They were my very first bullies.

The friend I had gotten into a fight with soon joined the bullies, and not so far from that they started physically abusing me.
I had to protect myself somehow, so they wouldn't beat me up to the point where I'd go unconscious, but I couldn't come up with anything else but kicking them back.

And kicking was good.

Once during P.E one of the bullies kicked the football right towards my face but I managed to kick it away. In that moment I really liked P.E for the first time. I understood that I do have power and I do know how to do something.
The bully who tried to kick the ball into my face got angry because his attempt failed.
He challenged me to play one quick match after school, and I had no choice but to say yes.

I lost, and after the match he kicked me in the head.
But I swore to myself that I would train until I'd beat him 100-1.

All of the memories make me shiver, as I walk back to the field.
It feels like Lay is telling the story a bit too deeply with a bit too many details, since he is still not done.
I sit a few meters away from them, staring at their backs.

I can't help but to think how cute Tao was before.
His smile, his eyes, his voice – thinking about all that makes my chest feel warm.
Literally feels like there was butterflies in my stomach.

”What are you thinking?”, I whisper to myself and slap my own arm.

As I drown into my own thoughts about Tao, myself, and maybe even us together, I hear that Lay stops talking.
I open my eyes, which I had closed without even realising, and see Tao shaking his head.

His soft voice fills the air and it makes me smile, but the words do the complete opposite.

”I wish I could be as strong as Kris is.”, he says and shakes his head one more time.

If you just knew.

 

I'm so sorry for not updating for a long, long time, I haven't had the motivation to write since I've been so busy... But now I'm back, and I promise I will be updating more! Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. It came out a bit longer than I first thought. Please remember that Kris' life story here is completely fictional.