The sizzling samgyupsal, the beds of fresh lettuce stacked beside an array of side dishes, and the smell of meat everywhere was enough to make my mouth water. I had to constantly swallow my own saliva as I waited patiently for Suho and Baekhyun to finish grilling the meat.

“Still the same, I see.” Taemin’s twinkling voice broke through the sizzling fat on the grill and I could feel my face go red, “Still obsessing over food.”

“It’s not obsession. It’s an appreciation.” I stuttered, reaching nervously for my coke. I took a sip, my lips struggling to find the straw.

“Don’t lie, sis. You should see her at home—“ I shoved my hand in my brother’s face before he could continue, smiling stupidly at Taemin. “Don’t listen to him. He’s the one that’s lying.”

I laughed it off, hands reaching for something, anything, on the table I could chew on to calm the butterflies in my stomach.

“I missed you guys,” Taemin shook his head playfully, his hand tapping under my chin like when we were kids. I bit down on my lip to stop the squeals.

Taemin was Kai’s soulmate. They danced together, they performed together, they went to school together, they did everything together until Taemin made the decision to move to an art school on the other side of Seoul. They were fifteen and I was fourteen. I remember up until that point, I tagged along with the dynamic duo whenever my parents would let me just so I could see Taemin. He was always nice to me and never minded my company. I remember distinctly him buying me strawberry popsicles after his dance practice with Kai.

“Oppa, you should come with us after dinner. We’re going to go see  movie.” A squeaky voice across the table sounded off and pierced my ears with a giggling sweetness that made me want to gag. It was one of the other girls that tagged along, Hye Mi. She clung to Kyungsoo’s arm and tugged at his sleeves as if it were cute. He didn’t seem to mind her obnoxious behavior. He even looked to enjoy it as he smirked down at his plate before batting his pretty eyelashes at the girl, “I can’t tonight. Maybe some other time.”

She pouted and whined. What was she twelve? I scoffed, not realizing how loud I was until both Kyungsoo’s and Hye Mi’s head turned in my direction. I hit my chest to play it off that I was choking when Taemin patted my back gently, “You alright?”

“I’m fine, just had something bitter in my mouth.”

Kyungsoo laughed into the back of his hand.

“What’s so funny, Kyungsoo shi?” I reached for a piece of kimchi with my chopsticks, shooting him a wide grin.

“You’re blatant jealousy.” I spat the kimchi out, luckily into my hand and not on the grill in front of me.

He continued to laugh, shrugging his shoulders while Hye Mi laughed with him, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

“Is something going on between you two?” Taemin handed me a napkin, still rubbing my back.

“Who? Kyungsoo? Ha, no.” I whispered back, wiping my hands.

Taemin raised a brow, looking over at Kyungsoo who was side eyeing us through the smoke that wafted up from the fresh meat on the grill.

“Don’t worry, there’s nothing going on. He’s just been an annoying guest at my house who likes to get on my nerves. Here have some of my samgyupsal.” I picked up a piece from the grill with my chopsticks and placed it on top of Taemin’s rice bowl. We smiled at each other and I swear I felt every bad thought lift from my mind. He ruffled my hair and took a big bite from his plate which made me bashfully dig into my own food.

“Here oppa, ah.” Hye Mi’s excuse for a voice traveled over to my side of the table again and when I looked over I saw her pretty little fingers hold a lettuce wrap up for Kyungsoo to eat. Like he’d take it, I thought, but lo and behold, he did. His heart shaped lips opened up willingly to take her offering like those couples in the drama.

I angrily grabbed my own lettuce and stuffed meat with rice into it, only to eat it myself. I chewed forcefully and swallowed feeling some of the contents getting stuck in my throat. I forced it down with water as I continued to watch Hye Mi feed the devil that was Kyungsoo.

“Gross, sis. Wipe your face.” Kai threw a napkin at me and pointed around his lips to signal I had stuff on my face. I growled at him before wiping my face and throwing the napkin back at him. He swatted it away only for it to land on his plate. I snickered at his misfortune when he pushed my shoulder back and I accidently collided with Taemin.

I could hear his food falling ungracefully somewhere and cringed, “Tae, I’m so sorry.” When I turned around I saw the meat, rice and some red pepper paste smudged on his nice jeans. In his hand was the lettuce it was all held in.

He laughed, “It’s fine. It was Kai’s fault anyways.” Taemin brushed his pants of the food before excusing himself to go clean the rest off in the bathroom.

“I’m so sorry.” I looked up at him when he stood. Taemin only under my chin and walked off wordlessly.

I turned back to the table where Baekhyun and Chanyeol sat giggling into their hands, “Oh shut it.” I sunk into my seat, crossing my arms over my chest when Kai poked my temple, “Nice going, sis. Got food all over my best friend.”

“It’s your fault. You pushed me.” I poked him back.

“You’re the one that got your dirty napkin in my food.”

“You’re the one that swatted it there—“

Kai and I were close to hitting each other when Suho’s mediating aura came over us, “Children, children. Stop it please. We’re in a public place.”

We both sat back in our chairs like punished school kids with our arms crossed. The older men at the table laughed not knowing Kai and I kicked each other under the table.

“Kai your sister looks just like you,” Seoyoung, who I assumed was Chanyeol’s girl, commented from the other side of the table.

“Yeah, just uglier.” Kai shrugged, taking a bite of his rice. I glared at him but decided to leave it be, not wanting to cause any more trouble.

“Jia, don’t listen to him. You’re much prettier than he is.” Seoyoung smiled at me leaning into Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“Thanks.” I shyly bowed my head at the older girl when I heard Hye Mi and Kyungsoo snickering at the other end of the table. I felt self-conscious again and sunk into my seat, letting the others conversations drown me out until it felt like I wasn’t even there.

*~*~**~*~*~*

Taemin offered to take Kai, Kyungsoo and I back home. Kyungsoo sat with me in the back at the opposite side. I didn’t say much after dinner, not in the mood to keep up the banter with anyone. When I got into the car, I immediately nestled into the car door, leaning my head against the window so I could close my eyes and pretend to sleep. My mind traveled in and out of consciousness, picking up conversations I wasn’t sure was real or dreamed up as Taemin drove.

“Her name is Naeun and she’s great. Real pretty and smart and just—“

“Taemin, you lucky bastard. She’s gorgeous.”

“How about you guys, any lucky ladies?”

“Nah, I don’t need a lady friend at the moment.”

“How about you Kyungsoo?”

“Huh? Oh, no.”

“Not that Hye Mi girl? You seemed pretty close at dinner?”

“Her? No I just—“ a laugh, “that was nothing. I don’t like her like that.”

“I see…”

I felt the car stop and heard the ignition turn off, “We’re here.” Someone’s warm hand touched my shoulder and shook me gently. I groaned in reply, not opening my eyes, feeling them heat up from the hot tears that threatened to spill if I did open my eyes. I blindly reached for the car door handle and stepped out, completely bypassing Taemin’s goodnight and open arms.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I wiped the fog on the mirror from my hot bath only to stare into the bloodshot eyes and fat cheeks of my reflection. I rubbed at the extra skin on my face, wishing for it to go away along with the little fat on my stomach and thighs. I stared at the stretch marks tattooed over my thighs and and wondered how I could make them all go away. Wiping my red nose for the umpteenth time, I slipped into a pair of pajama pants and put on my oversized shirt before heading to my room. When I opened the door, Kyungsoo stood waiting with his own clothes and towel, “Took you long enough.”

“Whatever.” I shuffled by him and into my room.

When I got to my room, I threw myself onto my bed and cried into my donut pillow that I slept with every night. Why I was even crying was beyond me when I turned over to look at my calendar and saw that in just a couple days would Mother Nature being dropping by with her monthly gift. The only times I became this emotional was when my period was coming, I wasn’t going to deny it. “I hate being a girl,” I cried into the sheets when I heard a firm knock on my door.

“What?”

There was no reply. I dragged myself out of bed and opened the door to an empty hallway when I looked down at the doorknob to see my pink bra and baby blue underwear hanging. I gasped and snagged it from the door, throwing them into my room when I heard a soft giggle in the direction of Kyungsoo’s room. “Cute.”

I shut my door with a bang, threw myself into my bed and cried for a second time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I woke that morning with puffy eyelids and a red nose. I groaned when I saw my reflection. My hair was all sorts of frizzy because I didn’t dry it before going to bed. I pulled it up in a bun and left my room, already knowing that my face wasn’t even worth the effort.

I couldn’t even breathe through my nose so it surprised me when I walked into the dining room and saw the spread on the table. My mom sat at the table already eating while Kyungsoo put more plates down, “Jia, come eat. Kyungsoo woke up early to make all of this for us. Come, come eat.”

“I made some of your favorites according to Kai. Chocolate chip pancakes and caramel flavored coffee.” Kyungsoo had on my mother’s pink apron that had wooden spoons and whisks on it. He even had on a pair of glasses I’d never seen before. He looked more delectable than the food but I couldn’t find it in me to say or do anything. I stood in the threshold with a tight stomach and puffy eyes, “I’m not hungry.”

Both Kyungsoo and my mom stared at me with open mouths and shocked eyes, Kai even peeked his around the corner to give his two cents, “The Kim Ji Ah not hungry?”

I rolled my eyes and turned around yelling over my shoulder, “I’m going to Lia’s.”

Just looking at the food made me not want eat and seeing Kyungsoo so homely and handsome in my mom’s apron made me want to cry at the perfection. I decided then and there I needed the consolation of my best friend and the mall food court. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

How cute is this pillow? That's the one Jia talks about. (I have this one too)

I get really sad before my monthly gift so I speak from experience not like that matters.