i.

Four years – if one asks Jimin how many days that is, he wouldn't know. He only knows that four years is long enough for him to grow another three centimetres, though that brings him to barely average still and he kind of gives up already to reach 180cm as he once hoped. He only knows four years is long enough for those what used to be two furry balls of puppies have their own furry balls of puppies - lots and lots of them and Jimin doesn't know what to do with them except for giving some of them off to relatives and friends, hoping with all his heart that they will be in good hands. Four years is all it takes for Jimin to stop looking at his brothers and think they are the most adorable things in the world; they are his pride now as the medals and trophies they bring back home increases by numbers. Four years and Jimin knows he doesn't need his mother to wake him up when he has 8 am classes each and every day of the week, and he can do his own laundry now, albeit it doesn’t smell as fresh and homely. Jimin loses most of his baby fat in four years, and nowadays he couldn't help but to show off his six packs every now and then, his sweat and hours spent on the gym paid off by the attention and confidence it brings.

He also happens to know that four years is enough to grow up, leaves the past behind and starts thinking of his own happiness.

~~~

Jimin traces an invisible trail on Taehyung's face - his touch ever so slightly in fear of waking the sleeping man - from the side of the well-defined jaw to the sharp tip of his nose that Jimin has enjoyed snuggling on his neck more often than not, and down to his cheek where Jimin draws a small whirlpool though all he wants to do is to pinch it.

A dew-like drop falls as if on cue and Taehyung's eyes flutter open with such difficulty.

"Am I the only one who goes to sleep around here?" Here goes Jimin's favourite voice, the deepest he has ever heard, quite contrary to his own high pitched, boyish voice.

It is even deeper now; it’s almost too deep inside the throat that it comes out barely a whisper. But Jimin could hear it loud and clear, he could hear it even among a shouting crowd, for sure. It isn’t his favourite voice for nothing.

Jimin draws a smile, the biggest one he can manages because he knows Taehyung loves his smile; Taehyung never fails to tell him that. He brushes a stray hair on Taehyung’s forehead before planting a kiss on the skin, hoping Taehyung doesn’t notice how chapped his lips are. "I'm just about to sleep; goodnight, love."

"I love you, Jiminnie." There goes Jimin’s favourite smile to go with his favourite voice, saying his favourite line – a complete set that makes Jimin feels like he’s the happiest man in the world.

Another dew-like drop comes rolling down his cheek but he erases it with a brush of his finger, the smile still as intact – because there is no way Jimin wouldn’t be smiling when Taehyung does.

"I love you too, Tae."

Another smile from Taehyung before he closes his eyes to the upcoming sleep and Jimin is the happiest man in the world.

~~~

Four years is enough to know how much he loves Kim Taehyung.

~~~

Taehyung has come into his life like a whirlwind.

A transferred student in their second year, by the second week Jimin was sure Taehyung knew more people in the school than himself. Jimin remembers wondering how did he do it, but over the time he realized it's just natural that people flock around Taehyung. Taehyung treated everyone as an equal; he hasn’t got the insecurity that has kept Jimin from mingling with new people. While Jimin greeted his classmates (and only his classmates) with uncertain smile, wondering if they would probably think differently of him today compared to yesterday for no reason at all, Taehyung is more to the type that went to the coveted prince of the school Jeon Jungkook and told him that he didn’t like the way Jungkook looked at people and he thought Jungkook should change it and be nicer in general.

Jimin swears he felt like disappearing from Taehyung’s side at that very moment because Jungkook’s stare was three times as deadly and the usual one was known to render people weak in their knees.

But Jimin is glad he stayed, because since then Taehyung has painted his world with more and brighter colours – the canvas had not been black and white, no, it had been bluish grey with a splash of 9-am-sunshine type of yellow and a mundane brown but Taehyung and his mere presence added a long of magenta, splashes of turquoises and wine, the background the brightest sunset. It has become more hectic and chaotic but Jimin loved it that way. He loved going to school not knowing what would Taehyung do for the day, he loved reaching the class and had his shoulder grabbed by random classmates to be shown to whatever dumb things Taehyung was up to and he loved that Taehyung would always choose to eat lunch with him among his many friends.

He loved so many things about Taehyung – from his characteristic almost-rectangular shaped smile to his ever changing hair colour – it was normal that he accepted when Taehyung confessed using the school radio system the first day they started their third year.

Rumour has it that Jeon Jungkook had a crush on Taehyung – while that would have made Jimin cower and give up before, it only made him prouder then, and made him shuffle closer to Taehyung, hands gripped tighter and smile a little wider when Jeon Jungkook was in presence.

That was how much Kim Taehyung had changed Jimin.

~~~

Four years are not enough – why must he be taken from Jimin so soon?

~~~

It’s like a premonition – Jimin feels like he shouldn’t step into the hospital today. It’s weird because he has been frequenting the washed-out white building everyday for almost two months now; it’s his second home. The smells are all familiar to him now, the equipments are not as bizarre as they seem before and he knows taking the stairs will let him reach his destination faster because the elevators more often than not stop at every floor.

So he ignores the nagging feeling at the pit of his stomach and smiles at the friendly nurses as he makes his way to the third floor.

Taehyung’s room.

“I thought for once you wouldn’t be coming and I can watch by myself tonight.”

Jimin laughs – over the years, Taehyung always has the best welcome.

“Did Hoseok-hyung lend you some again?” He asks, his eyes twinkling as he leans in to kiss Taehyung on the cheek, only to have Taehyung turning and it lands on his lips instead. Jimin grins and runs his tongue across Taehyung’s cracked ones but pulls away when the latter tries to deepen the kiss.

“Jiminnie, you meanie,” Taehyung pouts like a little boy he is, though the pout naturally turns to a smile. “Mom says sorry she couldn’t wait for you today but she left us dinner like usual.”

Jimin glances at the cabinet at the corner and sees the bento boxes, three of them stacked together today. He groans inwardly – it’s all Taehyung’s fault for declining the hospital meals and insisting on his mother’s cooking instead. Jimin doesn’t have problem with that, really, but Taehyung’s mother started to cook for him as well and as much as Jimin loves her cooking, he couldn’t really eat everything (since Taehyung barely eats, his portion goes to Jimin as well) but he just has to because he couldn’t bring himself to throw the food away.

And yet Taehyung has the audacity to pinch his cheeks sometimes and says his baby fat is returning so Jimin makes it his effort to sulk for at least fifteen minutes.

“How are you feeling today?” Jimin asks as he reaches for a glass on the bedside cabinet and pours himself water.

“Feel like I could win a marathon,” replies Taehyung with a grin, his tone all cheerful despite the barely audible whisper it comes out as. He coughs and waves his hand dismissingly as he feels Jimin’s eyes go all alert. When he speaks, it sounds clearer this time, albeit still as weak. “I got a new doctor –he’s a houseman.”

Houseman – a junior, fresh-graduate doctor; Jimin knows the term. He wonders why one is assigned for Taehyung, though; Taehyung isn’t an out-patient. The curiosity must have shown on his face – Jimin has always been terribly bad in poker he hasn’t bothered to play since the first time –for Taehyung is quick to provide an explanation.

“He’s just helping, you know, as his training or something – I think he’ll be coming any second now; like right now in one, two…”

Jimin chuckles but looks towards the door all the same to humour him. Much to his surprise, the door creaks open on three and he is just about turn around and shares a gleeful grin with Taehyung before his eyes catch the image of the person standing on the door and his glass slips from his grip like clichéd scenes in thousand movies he had seen.

He hopes his eyes have gone bad and play a trick on him – because the last person he needs to see right now is Min Yoongi.

~~~

Four years should be enough to get over someone, right?

ii.

Jimin hears Taehyung gasps next to him and pulls him to sit on the bed to avoid the scattered glass, Jimin hears Yoongi calls out for a cleaning crew to clean up the mess, Jimin hears Taehyung apologizing to the doctor with a hard-earned chuckle (“Sorry, my boyfriend is so clumsy sometimes.”), Jimin hears Yoongi replies with a chortle (“It’s okay, people drop glasses when they see me all the time –it’s hard to be this charming.”), Jimin hears they share another laugh; Taehyung’s cough-inducing one, and Yoongi’s raspy.

Jimin hears everything – it’s funny that he could not see anything.

It takes another tug on his sleeves from Taehyung for Jimin to snap out back to reality and at the very moment he wishes he has stayed in daze in which his sight has gone all blurry because he’s not prepared for the image before him; perhaps he will never be prepared.

“Jiminnie, this is the Dr. Min – Min Yoongi,” Taehyung introduces. “He’s from Daegu, but he took his degree in the US – cool, right?”

In another lifetime, Jimin would have laughed – there is no introduction needed; no one should introduce Min Yoongi to Park Jimin.

Because Jimin knows everything – Jimin knows that Min Yoongi was born and raised in Daegu; a pure Daegu man inside and outside, the way he speaks exactly his mind and the way he tolerate no nonsense. Jimin knows that Min Yoongi has played basketball the whole of his life, that he had entered his high school with a sports scholarship, that he was the ace all throughout the three years, the captain in his final year. Jimin knows basketball isn’t the only think Min Yoongi was good at; he finished high school with a letter of recommendation to go abroad for a medical program atop of his sports scholarship. There are a lot more things Jimin knows about Min Yoongi; like he likes Welsh corgi, and the colour white and the number three and the time when you can wear short sleeves during the day and long sleeves during the night.

Jimin knows everything about Min Yoongi.

“Jiminnie?” he hears Yoongi repeating the name and gets surprised on how it sounds so foreign now. “Park Jiminnie?”

Stop.

Jimin uses everything in him to look up and draw a smile but while the former he can do without a hitch, the latter is proven to be too hard he just has to give up halfway.

“Long time no see, Yoongi-hyung.”

Jimin could feel Taehyung fidgeting next to him, obviously wondering what’s going on so he turns to him, a smile comes up more naturally this time. “Tae, Yoongi-hyung was a senior in our school. He has graduated when you came, though.”

Taehyung nods as his mouth makes a perfect O. He looks from Yoongi to Jimin.

“So you two know each other, then? I shouldn’t have done the introduction then; now I’m all tired out.”

Yoongi laughs and Jimin notices how it still sounds something like ‘eungkyakya’ and his eyes still disappears into mere slits of crescents.

“I almost didn’t notice, though,” the doctor says, his eyes on Jimin. “You’ve changed a lot, Jiminnie.”

Stop it.

“And you still look the same, Yoongi-hyung,” Jimin replies after a side glance on Yoongi before he busies himself with Taehyung’s perfectly fine pillow case. A glance is enough, after all; he could see Yoongi’s features even with his eyes closed and he knows not a thing has changed over the years.

“So you’re the boyfriend Taehyung has been talking about?”

It is supposed to be a normal question, a casual one because Taehyung is chuckling sheepishly, a faint pink blush tainting his pallid cheeks and it relieves Jimin that Taehyung does not see what Jimin sees; Yoongi’s set jaw, the way he bites his lower lip ever so slightly to prevent him from saying another word before the question is answered, and his eyes, the glint in his eyes that seems to challenge Jimin to say yes.

Plus –Jimin almost missed it –a flicker of desperation; as if hoping Jimin would say no.

“This is him, doc – I haven’t got anyone else. Jiminnie’s the only one for me.”

Jimin would have kissed Taehyung for taking that off his plate; if Taehyung didn’t do it first. A peck on his cheek and Jimin finds himself a ton lighter and a smile comes up a bit easier now, for Taehyung and slightly bashful – though when Jimin finally looks at the young doctor, everything he had seen few seconds ago was wiped off, replaced by an easy grin and a playful roll of eyes.

It’s funny how Jimin couldn’t really look at Yoongi earlier because when the latter starts to flip through Taehyung’s record and asks some questions about the patient, Jimin finds himself unable to look away.

~~~

“Jimin, baby.”

Jimin stiffens at the call; not because of its cheesiness, no, since Taehyung is saying it his serious voice that Jimin rarely has to hear – it’s because Taehyung only calls him that when something is really bothering him. He looks up from his notes.

“I’ve never heard about any Yoongi-hyung.”

Because I don’t want you to know.

Closing his notebook, Jimin throws a smile that is actually in his benefit instead of Taehyung; because his heart is now beating almost as twice faster as the normal rate and it suddenly feels harder to breathe and his head is telling him not to proceed with whatever he is planning to do – but Jimin has never really listened to his head; he is the type to follow his heart more.

He isn’t sure if following a heavily palpitating heart would do him good right now, though.

“He was in the basketball club,” he says finally, with Taehyung listening intently with his pale face in a rare concentration. “He was from my middle school as well so I knew him from back then. We played together for few years before he graduated.”

Taehyung raises an eyebrow when Jimin stops and the latter sighs in defeat.

“I had a crush on him,” admits Jimin, a bit grudgingly; his face all lined in a frown that shows that he doesn’t really want to talk about it. “Silly crush, that’s all. Yoongi-hyung has probably forgotten all about it – I mean, me too; I’m with you now, right?”

“You two dated?”

Taehyung’s voice must have sounded more distant than he has intended, or maybe his face has got a mind of its own that it shows something Taehyung has not realized doing because Jimin suddenly looks all upset; apprehensive, but not in a way he usually does when Taehyung teases too much or says something tactless – it’s something else Taehyung couldn’t quite decipher.

It’s probably the look Jimin sports when he is the wrong one – but Taehyung couldn’t be too sure.

“No,” Jimin masks the slight quiver in his voice with a sigh, quite expertly. “I told you that you’re my first one, right? Yoongi-hyung was just a crush – he looked all cool when he played basketball, that’s all. That was years ago; I was stupid – I was like, what, 15? 16?”

“I fell in love with you when I was 18 – not that much difference there.”

Jimin opens his mouth to retort; because there are at least two years gaps and Jimin was sure he had matured over the two years but when he rolls his eyes on Taehyung, he notices that the latter is smiling.

He wonders why it is so easy to smile when Taehyung does.

“Me too, remember?” mutters Jimin softly, his hand reaching up to caress Taehyung’s soft, albeit slightly dry, hair and Taehyung’s eyelids flutters at the touch.“I fell in love with you when I was 18, too – and it’s not a mere crush.”

Taehyung smiles some more and silence engulfs the two as they stare right deep into their eyes as if seeing something more than irises and pupils, the sound from the television completely blocked from their hearing – if anything, the rustle of Taehyung’s hair between Jimin’s slightly stubby finger, and the faint wheezing from Taehyung when he heaves a breath are all they can hear.

It feels so right; Jimin wants the time to stop.

But of course, time waits for no one and Jimin reminds himself not to be too disappointed when Taehyung speaks up, breaking the bubble of silence he has wanted to stay in forever.

“I wish I’ve met you sooner,” says Taehyung, his whisper seems to get weaker and weaker these days and Jimin leans over closer to hear better, only to have his boyfriend propping up an arm to reach for his face and soon enough, feeling those long fingers on his cheek, caressing ever so softly though the cracked fingertips seem to graze Jimin instead. “I wish we’d have more time – lot of things I want to do with you; four – five – years are not enough.”

In some other lifetime Jimin would have broken down into tears, in some other lifetime he would have buried his face on Taehyung’s well-defined collarbones, in some other lifetime he would say he is wishing the same wish but no, he couldn’t do it now – Jimin decides as he smiles on, reaching for Taehyung’s long, pretty fingers on his cheek and entwines their fingers together.

“We have lots of time, Tae – we have the whole time in the world.”

Jimin doesn’t know who is he kidding but he knows, in another lifetime, his words will hold true.

In another lifetime, Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung will last.

iii.

Taehyung knows he loves Jimin, he doesn’t need to be reminded in any way. It’s in every beats of his heart, it’s in the air that he breathes, it’s in every waking seconds; it’s in every layer of his dreams when he sleeps. Sometimes he loves to sigh “I love you” to annoy Jimin for the randomness, most of the times he keeps it to himself and hides it in his smile.

In all seriousness, Taehyung can use every single word in the world to describe Jimin. Perhaps it’s his brain’s inability to focus on one thing at one time; he can talk about everything and relates it to Jimin. People have been saying that it’s his talent –the reason why people has long stopped mentioning Jimin in presence of Taehyung. It’s endearing at first, listening to Taehyung talking as if Jimin is the only one who matters to him but when “Hey, those shoes look cool, right?” somehow can escalate to “Jimin doesn’t really this kind of shoes, though, he prefers them lighter; leathers are heavy, right? You know Jimin, he likes to make these funny steps when he moves, the other day when we were walking down the streets I swear he’s doing some dance moves or something – isn’t he cute?”

It’s like his life mission to prove to people how crazy he is of Jimin and he’s doing really well.

Which is good, because it seems like he doesn’t have much time now.

It is one of those rarest time when Taehyung wakes up around midnight and can’t fall back to sleep; he finds it rarest because he seems to be sleeping every second now thanks to whatever drug the doctors are feeding him and apparently it’s good for him. Few months ago, around the time college work has started to be demanding, he would kill for that pleasure of sleeping all day and night but now it just tires him down more. He doesn’t mind sleeping when it’s his mother tending to him because he hates to see his mother cry but when it’s Jimin’s shift, he tries to stay awake as long as possible; because even though speaking tires him much now, he at least would like to listen as Jimin speaks of his day – it’s the highlight of the his days; imagining Jimin in those classes he used to drag his feet to attend but now he has come to miss, in those conversations with people that he used to know. Taehyung likes the fact that –unlike his mother who simply cries at the sight of him –Jimin talks as if someday Taehyung would be returning to the place they would walk around hand in hand, laughing at pretty much everything with Taehyung sometimes ogling at people he shouldn’t to, earning himself a jealous scowl from Jimin which he thinks the cutest thing ever; where they belong.

But the ever talking Jimin is asleep now, curling baby-like on the reclining chair that had been his bed since these days because apparently the couch is too far from Taehyung’s bed. His head is conveniently lolled to face Taehyung’s side, his mouth slightly opened. Taehyung has always found it adorable and it’s one of those things he likes to tease Jimin with, along with the fact that Jimin just has to grip at something when he sleeps; in this case, the blanket that’s covering his curled up body; though some time ago it was Taehyung’s hand.

Taehyung hasn’t realized how much he missed Jimin’s sleeping face.

Falling in love with Jimin had been so natural that Taehyung doesn’t remember the exact time frame. Jimin was not the first friend he made when he transferred to the high school, no, he might even be the last of his classmates but it was Jimin that caught his attention the most. Perhaps it’s Jimin’s overlooked thoughtfulness that made Taehyung feel like he should make Jimin open up more to people, or perhaps it’s simply Jimin’s charming eye smiles that made he thinks he wanted to see more of it – and before he knew it, he started going to school with a hope to make Jimin smile for the rest of the day.

Taehyung has never been selfish – people around him should be able to ascertain that – but when he asked Jimin out (with the whole school as his audience), he thought that it was the first time he wanted something, someone, to be his and his alone.

He only needed Jimin and nothing else; he still does.

“I’ve never heard about any Yoongi-hyung.”

It was the first time Jimin had that face on – guilty is the only word to describe it. It had unsettled Taehyung more than one can imagine, though Jimin, in all his apprehension, might not notice. It was not a relationship, Jimin had assured him, it was just a silly crush – Jimin hadn’t been lying when he said that Taehyung was his first of everything. Taehyung believes him, hell, he does.

It’s just that he couldn’t help but to think that if it doesn’t matter, Jimin wouldn’t have that guilty face on.

Taehyung turns sideways, propping himself with an arm, with slight difficulty to take a better look on the sleeping Jimin. A face of an angel that he is to Taehyung; Taehyung would rather to remember this instead.

It is said that idle mind is the devil’s workshop. While Taehyung’s is rarely idle, sometimes he succumbs to the temptation to imagine how his death would affect the people around him. Thinking about his family is devastating; his mother is crying enough already he naively wishes that his death would bring a stop for it. He hopes his younger siblings would remember him as a cool brother, though. It’s too bad he couldn’t get to be like his father as he has always wished; he really should tell his father how much he’s proud of him while he got the chances. Ah, he should have listened to his mother more, he should have teased his brother less, he should have taken photos with his little sister more so that she remembers how good-looking he was when he’s gone, so that she can brag about him to her friends.

His friends should get by without him just fine, perhaps missing him every now and then when they hang out. They would probably miss his bad luck on games that made him easy target to be the one treating but they would be glad to stop listening to how perfect Jimin is. Ah, there’s Jimin. He hates the part when he starts thinking about Jimin, because Jimin would have it the hardest; he has been with Taehyung all the time in these four years. But Jimin has always been strong; Taehyung believes he would be able to cope with it. Jimin should be sad for a period of time, but Jimin should be able to move on some time later; and he should fall in love again.

Yes, Taehyung knows someday Jimin would fall in love again; Taehyung has hoped this time Jimin would have a happy ending he deserves for. Taehyung has never been bothered about it, really – it’s inevitable, after all, and he wants Jimin to be happy more than anything. Sometimes when he feels like the pain in his chest is not painful enough, he would try imagining someone that would take his place next to Jimin. His high-end imagination that has often thrown him into troubles all this time fails in just that; the person has always remained faceless and he could never imagine anything more than Jimin smiling; it’s nothing Taehyung can’t handle, he has enough share of silent jealousy fit all this time when Jimin as much as talks to other people.

Why does it have to change now?

The image is unbelievably clear, as Taehyung stares at the regular rise and falls of Jimin’s chest; of a pair of pale arms wrapped around Jimin’s body, small face with the fairness that equals to that of snow, framed by slightly curled jet black hair propped on Jimin’s shoulder as they cuddle in their sleep. It has taken Taehyung aback, the uncalled image and the sudden pain that hits him sharp on the chest – a pain that hurts more than anything he has ever felt despite the disease, the pain that he knows has nothing to do with illness. Tears cloud his sight as the pain grows unbearable and with the cloudiness  come a stream of images; Jimin and Yoongi having breakfast, Jimin and Yoongi walking on the streets, matching eye smiles, fingers entangled, Yoongi leaning to steal a kiss.

Taehyung chocks back a scream.

Taehyung knows he’s going to die the moment he was diagnosed – the reason he hasn’t bothered to cry then. He undergoes all the treatments for the sake of his mother and Jimin; if they want to hope, Taehyung should at least favour them that. But he knows he’s going to leave; sooner or later, it doesn’t matter. He’s going to die before he graduates college, he’s going to die before he takes his relationship to another level, he’s going to die before he becomes a cool dad like his father – he knows that.

It’s not that he wants to die specifically, no, he would like to live, of course –if given the chance.

But he desperately wants to live now.

He has never been wanting to live so badly, even back then when he was in his peak of health and he thought everything was there for him to grab, or when he was told there are rebellious cells in his body that are trying to kill him and there’s nothing really for him to do to stop it. Right now, though, he wants to live. There’s no way he’d let those images be real, Taehyung thinks as he turned around, just in case Jimin wakes up he doesn’t want him to see his tear-stricken face. He must live; Jimin couldn’t be with anyone but him. Jimin is his, after all, right?

Taehyung bites his lips, he could taste the metallic taste on his tongue but the fresh stream of tears is unstoppable.  How did he manage not to cry all this while? He curls up, bringing up his knees closer to his chest as if it can ease the raging pain that comes with the ever falling drops from his tightly shut eyes, trying his best to breathe despite the constricting passage, despite the scarce oxygen; he’s trying with everything he got.

Because Taehyung doesn’t want to die.

iv.

It’s all coming back in a surge of wave; because Park Jimin is never simply Park Jimin.

Park Jimin is an epitome of bad decision, stupid pride, young arrogance – and love.

Yoongi has expected a lot on his housemanship days; he has wondered if he would survive just another year to be a full-fledged doctor and he probably can finally get decent amount of sleep, he has wondered if he would have to use his charms on the female populations so that they can be more than helpful when he needs them to, he has wondered if he has learned enough to save himself from the hell from the supervising doctors. Being an overseas graduate is an advantage enough; he had realized when he is assigned to a case of a patient of terminal cancer – a feat that is hard to come by.

He had not expected to see Park Jimin.

It’s barely the Park Jimin – his favourite Jiminnie, as he’s used to call him before – he knew. Yoongi could see that the boy – man now – has lost some weight from his school days. He is much less chubby now, and lean; much more muscular from what’s visible from his plain t-shirt. But Yoongi is glad that he’s still as short; one centimetre shorter than Yoongi, to be exact. But that's not the reason why Yoongi thinks he doesn’t really know Jimin anymore. Jimin still has the boyish aura that seems to be impossible to get rid of, and he still laughs the same tinkling laugh that pulls the corner of Yoongi’s lips to a twitch but the Jiminnie that Yoongi knew wouldn’t look at anyone else when Yoongi was in the room and this Jimin couldn’t take his eyes off of Kim Taehyung for one second.

Kim Taehyung – apparently, his boyfriend.

~~~

“What are you doing?” 19-year-old Yoongi asked as he looks at his classmate, eyes judging. The gym was getting crowded with students and their parents and Yoongi praised himself for choosing to take a seat earlier because getting stuck in a crowd was a hassle. There was nothing remotely interesting going on as guests filling up the hall and student council members running here and there in final preparation for the graduation ceremony though, so Yoongi’s attention fell to the boy beside him. 

The said classmate raised an eyebrow with a grace that was of a princess. He followed the direction of Yoongi’s gaze and saw it was on his deft fingers working on the button on his blazer. “I’m taking the second button off. They’ll be asking for my buttons after this, you know and I want to save this one for Hyosang. You know, my boyfriend.”

Yes, Yoongi knew Kim Seokjin was dating Jin Hyosang – the whole school knew.

“Why not the first button, though?”

Seokjin rolled his eyes and shook his head helplessly. “Because second button is the closest to heart, duh.”

Nonsense, Yoongi deemed at once – and Min Yoongi hated nonsense. But through the lengthy and incredibly boring speech from the director of the school, Yoongi found his mind flying to someone who happened to love nonsense. His fingers moved unconsciously to the button on his crisp blazer – the second one, and he seemed to only notice when it was already popped out from the seams.

Closest to heart – that sounded a lot like a certain Park Jiminnie.

~~~

“Someday I’ll marry Kim Taehyung,” a young female nurse Yoongi has yet to remember her name sighs as she leans on the counter, joining the three nurses – two female and a male – for a light chat. They are most probably are done with their morning routine; for it is almost 10 and then it will be doctors who are to make rounds.

One of the female nurse snorts playfully. “He has Jimin – why would he look at you?”

Yoongi could see the first nurse pouts from the corner of his eyes.

“It’s just a phase – he’s still a kid that doesn’t know what’s good for him,” she says and Yoongi’s grip on the pen he is holding tightens considerably.

“Don’t talk about them like that,” chides the other female nurse, a relatively older one with motherly feel that is a favourite of the whole hospital population, Yoongi soon to join. “They are adorable, and Jimin is a dear.”

All this time the male nurse has been rolling his eyes; Yoongi doesn’t need to know him personally to know that homouality does not sit well with him.

“Well, I don’t know,” he drones, scepticism heavily draped on his tone. “Even if I ever turn gay, I wouldn’t choose someone like him. I bet Dr. Min agree with me – not that we like , though.”

 It’s funny how the male nurse has just to bring Yoongi in when Yoongi is determined to let it pass but well, Yoongi will not say no to such a blatant invitation. He looks up from the file he is reviewing; saccharine sweet smile plastered on his face as he taps the pen on the counter to loosen his grip on the stick or else it will actually break.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Yoongi’s gaze pierces the dull brown irises of the male nurse, not bothering to play nice anymore. “he’s cute – totally my type. I’d totally date him, if I like ; which I do, actually.”

Yoongi doesn’t stay long enough to see how the nurses react to his confession but the way the male nurse stay away from him and the female nurses stop sending him flirty glances, Yoongi knows the fact has sunk in the way he wants it.

~~~

Yoongi curses when his coffeemaker decides to be run out of his caffeine dose when he still has six hours ahead of a shift but he finds himself thanking the appliance for the right timing when he bumps into Jimin at the vending machine.

It’s the first time he has seen Jimin without Taehyung and truth to be told, it is more nerve-wrecking than he thought it would be. It seems like the younger is not unaffected, anyway – the way his eyes runs up and down from the top of Yoongi’s honey brown hair to the tip of his shiny black shoes.

“You’re up late,” says Yoongi as casually as possible and Jimin nods in acknowledgment. “Coffee?”

“I can get it myself,” Jimin says quickly, his eyes catching the motion of Yoongi’s hands on the drinks selection buttons.

Yoongi waves a hand off as he purses out his lips, a gesture Jimin knows too well – Yoongi won’t take no for an answer. “Coffee, is it? Sugar or creamer?”

Jimin sighs in resignation. There’s no use arguing with Yoongi when he means something, anyway. “Creamer, please, thank you.”

“Here.”

“Thank you, hyung.”

Jimin is not quite sure if it’s the slight brush of the fingers when he takes the cup from Yoongi or the look that the former is giving him; it feels like a jolt of electricity channelled to the pit of his heart, increasing the frequency of the beats considerably, though the blood pumped seems to go nowhere with the way his body is going numb all over.

“I know it has been a while but you don’t need to be so formal to me, Jiminnie,” Yoongi half-chides as he takes a sip from his coffee, leaning easily on the vending machine for support. His eyes are still on Jimin – all of him – disapproving.

“I’m sorry,” Jimin mutters. He bites his lower lips in his hesitation, feet shuffling ever so slightly as he takes a glance to meet Yoongi’s piercing gaze. “I’m sorry, I need to go now; Tae – I can’t leave him for long. Thank you for the coffee.”

“I’ll walk you,” Yoongi decides for both of them and soon enough, they are threading through the dimly lighted alleyway heading to Taehyung’s room. “So, you’re taking Modern Dance, I heard?”

The younger of the two nods. “It’s Contemporary, actually – but it’s pretty much the same thing for all people care anyway.”

Yoongi’s lips twitches into a small smile. Jimin knows he knows next to nothing about dances; it assures him that Jimin still knows something about him.

“I didn’t know that you dance.” I didn’t know a lot about you, Yoongi realizes.

“I used to, when I was in grade school,” Jimin explains between sips of his coffee. “I picked up it again in second year of high school.”

Yoongi let go a soft ‘ahh’ as they takes the last corner to Taehyung’s room. There’s this sinking feeling bugging in his chest at the sight of the bright room. “What about basketball?”

“I did both; naturally my grade took a trip down the hill,” Jimin chuckles at the thought. “I played in college as well – until Tae, you know.”

There is a silence when they reach the room. There is a bunch of words – questions and facts – clouding Yoongi’s mind, in desperation of keeping the conversation flowing; to keep Jimin away from Taehyung just for a little more. But none of them makes it out as Jimin has his hand gripped so firmly on the door handle, back resolutely turned to Yoongi. 

“Good night, then, hyung. Thank you for the coffee.”

Appropriate replies of ‘good night’ and ‘you’re welcomed’ make a beeline to be said but heck, Yoongi is never good in words anyway.

It’s impossible to miss the shock written all over Jimin’s face when Yoongi takes a hold of his wrist, his grip on the door slackens altogether as he’s spun around.

“Hyung?”

Few years ago Yoongi realized that Park Jimin has the knack to make him pick the most wrong choice there is.

“It’s a lost cause, you know. He’s a lost cause.”

It has not changed.

~~~

“I will pretend I didn’t hear that, hyung. I think you should go now.”

Is it wrong, though, to tell him the truth? Yoongi has read over the file, multiple times even. There’s no way out for Kim Taehyung; it’s too late – nothing is going to work eventually. The chemotherapy has done nothing but takes a toll of his body, killing his healthy cells instead of the carcinomas. The radiotherapy sessions are in line but that’s the very last resort the doctors would take because the success rate is never high to begin with. It’s simply a formality; a procedure that is actually a futile attempt in this case.

“I don’t want to know that. I really don’t need to know that – go.”

Is it wrong to give Jimin a head’s up? A warning of some sort– because Yoongi cares, after all. He always does. Jimin might have not known; but Yoongi has always loved him.

“Don’t bother. You never do. Let me be; like you used to do. I love him, so I will stay – that’s normal.”

Is it wrong to remind him what they once had? Yoongi has not forgotten how Jimin used to look at with so much love in his eyes that it was almost painful to return the gaze when Yoongi thought his love isn’t as much as half of Jimin’s. Yoongi has not forgotten all the unsung confessions over the years they had spent together; not even once in these five years they have been apart. That is all that kept him working hard when things got hard back in States – that he would be coming back home to his favourite Jiminnie and he would be all worthy to sing all those confessions that Jimin deserves.

“I used to like you, yes. That’s all to it. You left, and I moved on. You left without a word to me, hyung and Taehyung came and made me happy and confessed to me over the PA system. You are taking me for fools if you expect me to wait for you. I was foolish, hyung – but I was not stupid; I am not stupid.”

Is it wrong to want to start over? Unlike Kim Taehyung, there’s still hope for them. Yoongi is here now - with a future that Kim Taehyung has not – and he’s willing to make up for everything. They could still start and Yoongi can save Jimin from the heartbreak that is bound to come. There won’t be a pretty ending for Jimin and Taehyung but there could be one down on the road for Jimin and Yoongi.

“It’s over the moment you boarded that plane without a word to me. I didn’t need a phone call; a Katalk would do. A Line message would do. If it wasn’t over then, it’s over when I waited a year for a reply of my ‘Hi’ on your Facebook. That was a long time ago, hyung. That was four years ago. I’m happy right now. I love Tae, he actually loves me in return – we are very much in love. So what if he’s dying? He would die while loving me; he would die with me loving him till the very end. I don’t expect someone as shallow as you to understand that kind of happiness, hyung.”

Is it wrong to feel like dying? Maybe his favourite Jiminnie will love him instead, then.

Maybe his favourite Jiminnie will love him again, then.

~~~

Park Jimin is an epitome of bad decision, stupid pride, young arrogance – and love that he has lost.

v.

Things happen in a funny way sometimes, it’s almost too funny to be laughed at that you’d rather cry over it.

Just like the way the cancerous cells take offense when Taehyung starts to take his pills and attend the chemotherapy sessions more diligently, and they start to multiply themselves vigorously in response, irritating each other every passing second that there is no moment Taehyung is left without pain.

Just like the way Taehyung has finally struggling to stay alive and the death decides to pick up its pace in the approach.

Just like the way the time is still ticking away even when Taehyung smashes the clock down to the cold hard floor.

~~~

It is spring and this year, Jimin watches the cherry blossom only from the news coverage because Taehyung’s room unfortunately has no view of the sacred trees.

His family and friends almost have to literally drag him to go to his college graduation, refusing his reason of ‘if Tae is not there I don’t see the point of going; they can always mail the certificate over’ for not going – only Taehyung’s threat of not eating for a full day convinces him to attend the ceremony; though he bails all the after parties afterwards to rush back to the hospital.

They don’t understand, he reasons to himself, that he has not much time left. Taehyung’s family has been with him all of his life; Jimin has had only five years on his record and it might be staying that way for all he knows. Jimin doesn’t want to waste a single word, a single tear, a single second away from him.

For Taehyung could be slipping from his grip anytime now, Jimin at least wants to be fully aware when it happens.

~~~

Taehyung could not sleep again that night, and he’s keeping Jimin awake with him.

“Jiminnie,” he calls for nth time of the night and watches in amazement how the mere whisper that it has come out as can wake Jimin’s up from the slumber he has just dozed off to.

“Tae?” 

“You know, later when we are really old, and I might leave before you – I want to be buried with my ring.”

Jimin doesn’t need to know which ring Taehyung is referring to, though he used to wear half a dozen of them. It’s the ring Taehyung is still wearing even now when it’s barely hanging there on his thinning finger; the ring that is one of the pair the two of them had gone and bought after school on the day Taehyung had confessed four years ago – PJM engraved on Taehyung’s and KTH on Jimin’s.

“Alright,” Jimin nods as he brushes away stray hair that has landed on Taehyung’s long eyelashes. The hair fall has only started recently – previous chemotherapy sessions had never given Taehyung that effect before, much to everyone’s surprise – so the bed is littered with dry, orange hair with black roots. Jimin is dreading the day he wouldn’t see a single one on Taehyung’s head; for the image of Taehyung with orange hair has imprinted on his mind and that’s how he wants to remember Taehyung. “I’ll remember. But I might be leaving you earlier, you know. I’m older, after all.”

Taehyung gives him a smile because his lungs are killing him so laughing is not possible. He shakes his head, dim twinkle in his beautiful eyes. “I’ll be leaving first, I know.”

You’ll be leaving soon.

~~~

More and more people come to visit nowadays. Taehyung is a people’s person, after all.

Jimin is proud to say he knows mostly of people who have come. Even those he has never met before, he almost knows them by heart; for Taehyung used to talk a lot about people he has been acquainted with.

So yes, Jimin knows the old lady from candy shop Taehyung used to frequent when back when he was 10. He recognizes her ‘most soothing eye crinkles and smiles that makes you think she’s your mother’ before Taehyung’s mother gets up in surprise at the sight of the half-decade woman. It seems that the news had made it to Taehyung’s hometown through SNS and the old lady has hauled up her grumpy 15 year old grandson to go with her to Seoul to visit.

Taehyung’s mother introduces Jimin as ‘Tae Tae’s sweetheart’, much to Taehyung’s chagrin but Jimin simply blushes when the old lady engulfs him into a bone-crushing hug.

Jimin ignores the scandalised look on the grandson’s face and the wet spot on his shoulder when the old lady let him go.

 A lot of people from high school come as well. Almost all their classmates do; even those Jimin has never seen again after the graduation. The girls are in tears at the sight of what the most handsome flower boy has become and the boys shake their heads in regrets; secretly wishing they would never end up the same.

Jimin notices the look of surprise on their face when they see how Taehyung has Jimin’s fingers entwined with his all the time. No one says anything, though everyone might be thinking the same thing.

Four years are indeed a long time to be together, but it’s nothing for those who have wished for forever.

~~~

Yoongi comes every morning, trailing along with the senior doctor in charge of Taehyung. He doesn’t say much, listens more to the more experienced doctor as he explains how Taehyung is basically dying and what should be done in the case. Jimin listens as well but hears nothing useful, but Yoongi has his hand working on the speed of light, jotting down every single word on his notebook as if his life depends on it.

Perhaps, Jimin thinks, its Yoongi’s life that depends on the meaningless words, not Taehyung’s.

If Taehyung is not asleep at the moment, Yoongi would throw in some basic questions but if the patient is, he would ask the people around instead. Jimin knows the questions are meant for him most of the times, but he lets Taehyung’s mother answers anyway. It’s always the two of them on Taehyung’s side these days, neither wants to leave more than a few seconds for the bathroom.

The gaze Yoongi gives Jimin every time he leaves the room after the daily patrol does not go unnoticed and Jimin never fails to respond with equally strong one that says ‘yes, I’m still here’.

~~~

At one night when Taehyung’s lungs let him sleep for a change, Jimin finds himself blinking away in the darkness, luxury of keeping his mind shut has conveniently denied from him this time around.

Things happen in a funny way because all this time he has been thinking about nothing else but Taehyung and when his mind decides to take a break from his boyfriend, thoughts on someone who might has been his boyfriend invade instead.

Yoongi actually loves him in return – that would be such a beautiful joke, if it is not a cruel one.

The fact has been pushed in the deepest pit of his mind since the very night Yoongi has blurted it quite unwittingly. It’s easy not to believe it when Jimin is seething with anger; Yoongi could be saying that just to get Jimin to listen to him like Jimin used to.

It’s a high time for Yoongi to know that Jimin is the same Jimin who would ask “How high?” if Yoongi has asked him to jump.

Jimin doesn’t hate Yoongi, no. There’s no slightest dislike even – at least before the night when Yoongi bluntly threw the fact that Taehyung is dying on Jimin’s face as if he doesn’t know it already.

It was a crush long overdue; dating back when Jimin was in first year of middle school to the day Yoongi graduated from their high school. It was a crush everyone knew about; Jimin had not bothered to hide it. It was a crush Yoongi had never acknowledged despite knowing all about it – it was crush that had stayed a crush because Yoongi had never seemed interested that Jimin would not do anything to lose his ‘favourite Jiminnie’ label.

It was a crush and an unrequited one while at it because Jimin never heard anything from Yoongi after the latter graduated. Jimin heard about the States and the medical course scholarship from a member of the basketball team and he waited a year before he let himself be swept by the love Taehyung had been offering.

Jimin waited for a year and another four years of silence rob Yoongi of any right to confess any feelings he has, because Jimin has long moved on.

But the funny thing about life is once you fall in love you can never fall completely out of love.

It takes four years of random sleepless night, wandering thoughts and guilty conscience but Jimin knows all about it now; more than anyone.

vi.

Taehyung wants a lot of things but right now, all he wants is for them to stop crying.

His mother has cried enough. Taehyung had not seen his mother cry for over twenty years only to have watch her cry for the first time the day he was told that the difficulty in breathing he had been facing for a few month is not caused by mere inflammation – it’s a malignant lung cancer on its last stage. Taehyung wonders if she has ever stopped crying since. As much as Taehyung hates seeing her cry, he also feels bad for robbing his siblings of a strong mother they once knew.

Mom, I love you, thank you for everything. I love you, so please stop crying.

His sister should stop crying as well. Taehyung would like to hear all about that senior on football team without having to count the tears that fall one by one from those thick lashes. As an older brother, Taehyung believes he is born first to give hell to anyone who makes her cry – he wouldn’t want to give hell to himself. What should he do to make her give him those smiles that get him into a lot of troubles before, instead?

Dahye-ah, don’t go asking people if you’re pretty; you are pretty – you’re my sister, after all. If you ever date, tell them this oppa will haunt them down if they ever hurt you.

Taehyung loves to listen to his brother’s baseball practices as well; having played himself before but his brother is proven more talented. Taehyung wishes they have played together more. His brother has been holding up so well Taehyung is so proud of him. It’s good to know that there is at least a strong, healthy son in charge of the family now; Taehyung can’t be gladder.

Daehyun-ah, you’re the man now. Take care of Mom and Dad and Dahye. Good luck with baseball; make them proud. I know you will.

His father has always been the epitome of strength and continues to be one since the very first day to the very moment. He smiles when he talks to Taehyung, reads him from newspapers clippings on how people survive cancer every other day, relay him all the well wishes from his various staffs and even clients. There is not a moment Taehyung takes his father’s calm smile for granted; it’s a nice contrast of his mother’s constant crying. His father’s lack of tears keep him going on and Taehyung lets him know that with his own smiles. His father would understand; they are men, after all.

Dad, did I become like you at least a little? You are the best; I love you. You understand, right? I love you.

What should he do about his Park Jiminnie, though? Recently it seems like his boyfriend has lost control of his tears gland. Jimin doesn’t cry that much before; he knows full well Taehyung hates the tears. Yet nowadays these beautiful eyes Taehyung is in love with are always glazed with tears –what would he give to kiss those tears away. He wants –needs –Jimin to be strong, because Taehyung is not having otherwise.

Jiminnie, I love you. Be happy. No matter what you do, be happy. When the time comes, take the next step bravely – and be happy.

Taehyung wishes they would all stop crying – because it doesn’t hurt anymore.

~~~

Summer is taking a peak at spring wondering if it is its turn yet when Taehyung’s lungs decide to give in.

Kim Taehyung is pronounced dead at 9:35 am on May 6^th 2009.

~~~

Yoongi watches the scene unfurling after his eyes.

He watches Jimin gasp when Taehyung takes his last breath and watches how he stands up, his chair tumbling over behind him, his hand reaching out towards the lying body on the bed, hovering for a few seconds as his brain cannot decide where – what – to reach. Taehyung’s mother gives out an anguish cry as her knees fail her, her daughter joining her slumped on the edge of the bed. Perhaps it’s the female’s incessant sobs that knocks Jimin’s brain back to work because it is then that he turns around to look for some hospital personnel, only to find Yoongi already walking towards the bed.

The intern jabs the red button near the bed before putting on his latex gloves. A glance at the now silent oxygen tank tells Yoongi it is indeed a lost cause but he says nothing as he take the oxygen masks off Taehyung. He is just stopping the IV drip when a couple of nurses come in hurriedly with a blood pressure meter.

Jimin is next to him all the time when he listens to any sign of the pulse, his eyes on the stagnant mercury on the meter scale so when Yoongi finally looks up, it’s Jimin’s eyes he sees first and with a slight shake of his head, he watches the last bit of light in those eyes disappear.

“Call Dr. Lee,” Yoongi tells the nurses and when they race each other to the door, he turns to Taehyung’s father. “There’s no pulse and the blood pressure is too low to show on the machine.”

“So, he’s gone?” Taehyung’s father asks quietly, almost whispering – as if it will make the fact less real, as if it will make Taehyung less gone.

“I’ll let Dr. Lee confirm it.”

 Yoongi pulls Jimin away from the bed gently when Dr. Lee arrives, and his hold on Jimin’s arm stays as the doctor-in-charge checks for the slightest sign of any life in Taehyung. He could almost feel how Jimin holds his breath throughout the procedures and he knows Jimin is hoping, for once, that Yoongi is wrong.

Yoongi almost hopes that he’s wrong too but Dr. Lee sighs and shakes his head and Jimin sways on his spot, Yoongi’s tightened grip the only thing keeping him steady on his feet.

When Dr. Lee asks him to go and prepare a draft report for Taehyung’s death certificate, Yoongi almost doesn’t want to leave because he wants to be there in case Jimin falls – but the latter’s steps are steady when he approaches the bed to look at his boyfriend for the last time and Yoongi takes it as his cue to leave as Jimin bends down to kiss Taehyung goodbye.

vii.

It’s one of those days where Jimin feels the loneliest.

The heat of the summer has long subsided, the trees that were in lush green are now brown and shedding, if not barren already. The temperature is dropping steadily to a range that makes people want to do nothing but cuddle all day. Jimin’s housemate has left early in the morning, big grin on his face like an excited kid on his fieldtrip because he has finally scored a date with the vocal instructor he has been pinning for since they started working in one of those entertainment companies in Seoul. Jimin has wished him good luck, and shakes his head on his roommate’s suggestion to go out as well.

It’s weekend –Jimin is sure that his roommate is not the only one who takes the chance to keep warm with interlacing their fingers and snuggling close to a beloved, and Jimin has missed Taehyung enough without having to see those couples on the street.

It has been two years, Jimin has no idea when he is supposed to stop missing Taehyung but he feels no rush to do so. Missing Taehyung forever seems like a good idea.

Though there’s something in today that reminds Jimin of someone else instead.

It was around the same time, he realizes, two years ago when he saw Yoongi the first time after Taehyung’s gone.

”I’ll do the waiting this time – to make it up for all those years,” the doctor had said, leaving Jimin with a smile that had Jimin fallen in love for the first time long time ago, and a napkin from the coffee shop where they had bumped into at, his phone number scribbled on it in wet ink of Sharpie.

Jimin stares at the napkin, carefully pinned on the board over his table together with photos of his best memories and memos of to-do – and Jimin often wonders in which category Yoongi’s contact belongs to.

Maybe tomorrow he’ll give Yoongi a call and find out.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hello there, thanks a lot for reading. I'm sorry for any mistakes because I send it over to my beta and then post whatever she has sent back because I don't wanna see this ever again lol    As I've been saying in the foreword, this is my first time working on a one-shot this long so I hope you like it at least. And if it's not too much, I wonder if you guys can tell me your favourite part so that I can reuse it lol because I write this story in parts and I sort of experimented some different styles. So yeah, input from your guys will be much appreciated (I'll give you cookies!) 

p.s. If you haven't checked it out, read 次の足跡; Another Step Forward for the continuation of Yoonmin 

p.s.s. Extra cookies for those who can guess Jimin's housemate lol (hint : he's not from BTS but his groupmates make it into 次の足跡; Another Step Forward lol)