Excerpt:

“What — what ambulance?” Changmin choked. “Why do I need an ambulance? I need to find Donghae! Where’s Donghae?”

...

“Are you sure we aren’t going to far with this?” Changmin whispered.

Kyuhyun turned his head slightly, careful not to interrupt the stylist’s fine work with his makeup. “Unlike you Changmin,” he murmured lazily, “I’m not above destroying my hyungs, and ruining my career and the careers of all I love, in order to maintain my reputation.”

The stylist stared at him. “…Computer games,” Kyuhyun coughed. The stylist nodded in understanding (after all, it was Kyuhyun — it was completely plausible).

Kyuhyun watched as she walked away, and then turned quickly to Changmin. “Okay, so this is the plan,” he said swiftly. “I’ve hired this strippers costume — ” He paused as Baekhyun and Chanyeol passed by, both shooting him a strange look.

“Computer game,” he explained.

They nodded in understanding.

“He’s going to wear it,” Kyuhyun continued, his voice softer, “because, come on, have you seen some of the things the stylists expect us to wear?! He’ll think it was all planned, and he’ll go on stage, and then BAM!” Kyuhyun smirked. “Instant stripper.”

“…What exactly does this outfit consist of?” Changmin asked slowly.

“Barely anything,” Kyuhyun replied, looking proud. “That’s the point after all.” Kyuhyun let out a loud laugh. “Oh Changmin, you’d be shocked at what comes up when you type in “stripper outfits, Korea,” into google. Now, cover for me — I need to go and pick it up.”

Changmin blinked. “What, now?”

“Yes!” Kyuhyun nodded enthusiastically. “What, you expect custom made underwear-shorts — ” Changmin paled, “ — to be made on the spot? I needed the words “Ding Dong(hae) to be printed on the back of its luxurious leopard-printed self.”

“Oh Kyuhyun,” Changmin whispered, “what the hell have you done?”

“Cover for me!” Kyuhyun ordered, standing up. “Make sure that Donghae doesn’t get dressed — our reputations depend on it!"

"They haven't finished with your makeup!" Changmin called after him.

…

What the hell was Kyuhyun doing?

Changmin was sure he had gnawed through his lip by now (okay, maybe not, because then he would be in absolute agony — but hey, it was just a figure of speech, right?), because it was almost time for Super Junior to go on stage, and Kyuhyun seemed to have disappeared of the face of the earth.

And now Leeteuk and Donghae were walking towards him, probably about to ask him a string of questions that he couldn’t answer. He was going to kill Kyuhyun. He was seriously going to kill him (to make things worse Minho had been pestering him about their friends location every ten minutes or so — Changmin felt a bit guilty for threatening to destroy the younger, but he was in a seriously bad mood).

“Hey Changmin,” Donghae (Changmin struggled to hold back a glare) greeted, smiling. “Have you seen Kyu anywhere?”

“Um, no,” Changmin replied, urging himself to play in cool. He was the awesome evil maknae- surely he could manage it.

“If you see him, could you tell him that he needs to head to the changing rooms?” Leeteuk questioned. “We have to go on stage soon.”

Changmin froze.

“Wait, no!” he cried, his eyes widening. “Not yet!”

“…Huh?” Leeteuk looked bewildered.

“Don’t get changed yet! Don’t do it!”

Donghae and Leeteuk gaped at him, and Changmin decided to use their confusion to his advantage.

“We need to talk,” he said hurriedly.

“Do we?” Leeteuk appeared even more confused.

“Yes! It’s…about your newfound hatred of us.” Changmin was scrambling for words. “I think it’s unwarranted and unfair, and…and…”

Leeteuk sighed loudly. “Changmin, I am slightly angry at Jaejoong and Yunho right now,” he said, his voice slow (his mind momentarily flashed back to when he had informed Jaejoong of this newfound hatred — which had involved the ex-DBSK member being physically dragged out of the Super Junior dorms by half of the group — and quickly forced the memory back). “That doesn’t mean I have anything against you.”

“I thought you said you would castrate him?” Donghae interjected.

Changmin paled.

“Only if he dares touch my maknae.” He shot Changmin a warning glance, and then turned away. “Anyway, we really need to get going.”

Changmin froze. “Wait,” he cried, “no, just let me - ”

Leeteuk and Donghae, however, were already walking away, oblivious to Changmin’s desperation. Or maybe they knew, and this was just another way to torment him — heavens knew, the world seemed out to get him lately (he’d complained about this to Minho earlier, and the younger had only stared at him incredulously).

“I — guys I feel sick!” Changmin yelled, trying to get their attention. “I’m about to throw up! I — I see my life flashing before my eyes!”

Donghae turned. “Er, Changmin, what the hell are you — ?” His eyes widened in horror. “Oh my god, are you alright?”

Changmin, however, was unable to answer. He had enough time to think, ‘if you’re going to fake a fainting spell, check if there are sharp, pointy table edges nearby’, before everything went dark.

On the bright side, maybe this would delay them, right?

…

Meanwhile, Kyuhyun was wondering when the hell his stripper’s costume would be ready (oh wow — that was something he would never say out loud).

He’d arrived at the store almost an hour ago, and when he’d discovered the type of store that sold stripper outfits…well, he hadn’t really been surprised, but it’d be hell for his career if he was seen here (maybe he could claim Minho had coerced him into it — who knows, it would probably work).

The store-owner (a man who looked way too old to be working in a store) had greeted him when he’d walked inside, and had offered him some “free products — on the house” (along with a disconcerting smile).

And now, well, he was still stuck in the blasted store, while the owner placed the ‘finishing touches’ on the pants (damn that “Ding Dong(hae)” slogan).

“Are you sure you don’t want anything on the house?” the man yelled out.

“No thank you,” Kyuhyun repled, glancing nervously at the windows. “Er, are you nearly done?”

“No,” the man replied, that creepy smile appearing again.

Kyuhyun gulped.

…

Changmin’s head was ing pounding.

Oh god, what the hell had happened? There was something shaking his shoulder, and he wanted to tell them to piss of or he would end them, except, if he opened his mouth, he was sure he would projectile-vomit.

“Changmin?”

Changmin forced his eyes to open. “Hyung?” he mumbled, as he caught sight of Yunho’s worried face. Then the situation caught up with him, and his eyes flew open. “Hyung!” he yelled. Oh, who cared if he projectile vomited - Yunho would be the one to suffer the most anyway. “Don’t let them get away!”

How much time had passed? Had Donghae already gotten changed? Had yet another plan fallen to utter ?!

“You have a pretty bad bruise on your forehead,” Yunho murmured, his forehead creased in concern. “Did you trip or something? Are you hungry? Thirsty? You should have told me if you weren’t feeling well — ”

“Don’t let him get away!” Changmin yelled, again. “Hyung, I’m about to tell you something really important and — wait, I can’t tell you that, Kyuhyun said I’m not supposed to — ” Oh god, were you meant to feel this disorientated after knocking yourself out? “Wait, I’m not supposed to mention Kyuhyun — hyung?” Changmin lay back down, frowning. “My head hurts.”

“Changmin, just relax, okay?” Yunho said softly. “We called an ambulance.”

“What — what ambulance?” Changmin choked. “Why do I need an ambulance? I need to find Donghae! Where’s Donghae?”

Yunho stared at him, confused. “He’s performing,” he said, slowly. “Why — Changmin? Changmin?!” His eyes widened in concern. “Do you feel sick? Faint? Do you want — ”

“What’s happening to us?!” Changmin howled.

…

“So this is my business — ”

“Uh-uh,” Kyuhyun replied, staring blankly.

“I own my own business,” the man said, smiling proudly. He winked at Kyuhyun. “Pretty amazing, huh?”

“…Yup.” Kyuhyun stared down at his phone, his fingers hurriedly slamming against the keys. ‘Delay the concert somehow. I don’t care how — DELAY it!’ He sent the message to Changmin.

“Can we hurry up?” Kyuhyun inquired, slipping his phone back into his pocket. “I’m in a bit of a rush.”

“I’m just putting the finishing touches to your order,” the man replied. Kyuhyun’s eye twitched. The man glanced up. “So,” he said, smiling, “does this hint at your…profession?”

Kyuhyun stared at the leopard print ‘shorts’, at the man’s face, and then back at the shorts. “…No,” he replied, slowly.

“Oh don’t be shy!” the man laughed. “Tell me, where do you work?”

Oh god, why the hell hadn’t he sent Changmin to pick up the damn outfit? He could have lied to him, told him it was a gaming store —

And then the door burst open and a masked man ran in, wielding a baseball bat.

...No really — that seriously happened.

All Kyuhyun could think was, what the hell is it with baseball bats lately?!

“WHERE IS IT?!” the masked man roared, raising the bat high.

The store-owner glared. “I told you, you’ll never have it!” he spat.

“And I told you punk — I’m not taking no for an answer! It’s rightfully mine — I DEMAND IT BACK, THIEF!”

Kyuhyun whipped out his phone, frantically texting Changmin — ‘you might have to delay it for a bit longer’.

“ — THEN WE’LL ALL DIE TONIGHT!” the masked man roared.

“Wait, wait!” Kyuhyun yelled, his phone tumbling to the ground. “Who the hell said anything about dying?!”

…

AN:

…I don’t even know xD

Tell me what you think (no Minho in this chapter, I know — he’ll be back in the next one, I promise!).