Yunho and Yoochun walked slowly, making endless circles around the block in silence as each floundered for the words they so desperately needed to speak. Yoochun had had a speech planned in his head, but that was before he noticed how close to falling apart Yunho was. All of the harsh words he had been repeating over and over in his head had vanished, and all he felt now was concern for his friend, and a small tendril of guilt. He had been so concerned about Jaejoong, he had neglected to consider Yunho and how he might be feeling. Of course all of this was stressful on Yunho, too. Still, Yoochun found it hard to feel much sympathy for the older man. No matter how he was feeling, he had no right to treat Jaejoong like he was filth.

The former-American sighed internally. Sometimes he couldn’t stand living in the same apartment as Jaejoong and Yunho. He loved them both dearly, but he had never known two people who enjoyed getting under each other’s skin as much as Jaejoong and Yunho seemed to. It was annoying and frustrating, and sometimes, Yoochun daydreamed about moving back to America to be with his mother and brother, just to get away from it all.

Things were worse than ever now, and Yoochun had grown weary of seeing the dejected look in Jaejoong’s eyes. And he had grown weary of seeing the anger in Yunho’s. He wished both Jaejoong and Yunho would get over themselves.

Yunho’s behavior was confusing to Yoochun. He had thought at one time that Jaejoong’s love would remain unrequited, but now he wasn’t positive. Yunho had to feel something for the lead-singer, or else he wouldn’t have tried to kiss Jaejoong.

But Jaejoong was right: Yunho was too aware of, and afraid of, what society thought about him. Yunho’s father, a rigid and stern man, had drilled it into his son’s head at an early age never to show any weakness, and to never do anything to tarnish his integrity or bring shame to their family. That Yunho had gone against his father to become a trainee at SM Entertainment was one thing. Admitting he loved a man was another story entirely.

Yunho’s foray into the entertainment business, in his family’s eyes, was nothing more than a passing flight of whimsy. He would return to his family eventually. It was expected of him to continue his father’s business, meet a nice girl, and settle down with her to provide his parents with the grandchildren they desired. There was no place for Jaejoong.

Still, there was some hope. Jaejoong was wrong about one thing:  Yunho did care about him. There was nobody Yunho cared for more, except perhaps his younger sister. Though Yunho didn’t love Jaejoong now, Yoochun knew with some gentle guidance, Yunho could come to love Jaejoong. And then he would never let Jaejoong go.

Yoochun certainly hadn’t expected he’d have to play Cupid, but in retrospect, he realized he should have predicted something like this would happen. How many times had he seen the exact same thing happen in movies? It was cliché, really. Yoochun hadn’t known Jaejoong and Yunho for long, but he had heard stories about their strong friendship. Even when they were young, they had gravitated towards each other, each becoming the other’s best friend. As they grew older and faced tough hardships together, their bond had only grown stronger. The two were always together, and when they were separated, they constantly talked about each other. Sure they fought, but they were always quick to make up.

Except this one time.

 “Yoochun?”

Yunho’s voice pulled Yoochun from his thoughts. “Hmm?”

“Have I been a bad leader?”

Yoochun turned to stare at Yunho. He had never heard a more ridiculous statement. “Of course not, hyung. You’re the best we could have asked for.”

“It’s just—so many things have been going wrong lately. Everything seems so out of control.”

And I bet you just hate that, Yoochun thought, but kept it to himself. Sarcasm would get them nowhere. Besides, Yoochun knew they weren’t really talking about the group as a whole. He, Junsu, and Changmin had been pretty much the same; and their work, although stressful, was going smoothly. No. Yunho was talking about something else—someone else. Still, Yoochun decided he would play along.

“Things are just a little stressful right now, with the album release date coming up fast. We’ll make it through. We always do.”

Yunho nodded absently but still, he seemed unsure. Yoochun sighed and said, “Hyung, you’re not a bad leader. You take good care of us. You make sure we all stay healthy, and you always try your best to make work easier on us.“

Yunho shook his head. “It isn’t that, Yoochun. It’s just that, we seem to be slowly pulling away from each other.” He fumbled for words, trying to find the right ones to best explain how he was feeling. “Things don’t feel right, Yoochun.”

“What doesn’t feel right?”

“It’s Jaejoong,” Yunho said slowly, reluctantly. “He—I’ve never seen him so upset. He keeps pushing me away and making these ridiculous accusations. He says I only care about myself, that I’m being selfish. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m afraid if we continue butting heads like this, soon it’ll affect the group as a whole. I don’t want anybody to lose focus, not when we’re doing so well.”

Yoochun knew Yunho was trying to avoid the real reason why he was upset. He understood it was hard to talk about, but if they never got it out in the open, they couldn’t even begin to solve the problem.

“Stop trying to avoid the real matter at hand. I know about what happened the other night, Yunho.”

Suddenly the air was thick with tension. “I don’t want to talk about that,” Yunho said, his voice low and dangerous.

“Well I do,” Yoochun said hotly, “because I’m having trouble understanding something. When did it become a normal occurrence to try to kiss somebody in the middle of an argument? We’re arguing right now, do you want to kiss me?”

Yunho growled in frustration. “No! Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.“

“Then why, Yunho? Why did you do it?”

“I don’t know, okay?! I don’t ing know why I did it. I just—I was drunk, and—“

“That isn’t a good enough excuse, Yunho! You really hurt Jaejoong, and you’re continuing to hurt Jaejoong every day by avoiding him. You almost kissed him. He did nothing wrong, so quit treating him like this is all his fault.”

Yunho snorted and rolled his eyes. “If he hadn’t gone to that club, I never would have—“

“Are you being deliberately obtuse? This isn’t about the ing club! This is about you and Jaejoong and nothing else.” Yoochun stepped closer to Yunho, pressing forward until he was invading Yunho’s personal space. He dropped his voice to a whisper. “Admit it, Yunho. You wanted to kiss Jaejoong.”

Yoochun expected Yunho to yell at him, to hit him even. But all Yunho did was turn on his heel and walk back towards the apartment complex. Yoochun, his heart heavy with a sense of sadness and foreboding, watched him walk away.

That went well, he thought, and followed Yunho.

-----

Jaejoong was still on the couch, his head once again buried underneath a pillow. Junsu had left a while ago, saying he needed some time and space to think. Jaejoong hadn’t tried to stop him.

Changmin had taken over Junsu’s place on the floor. He had alerted Jaejoong to his presence, but had decided against saying anything just yet. He figured the best way to deal with Jaejoong when the elder was in a mood was to let him decide on his own when he was ready to talk.

Though honestly, did everybody think he was stupid? He knew what was going on between the two eldest, had known for a long time, before either of Jaejoong or Yunho had realized it for themselves. It was easy to tell Jaejoong and Yunho had feelings for each other. Why they were being so stubborn about it was beyond Changmin’s comprehension. If it were up to him, he would lock both of them in a closet and refuse to let them out until they had reconciled….Or had . Whichever came first.

He felt Jaejoong stir and turned to face his hyung. Jaejoong had finally taken the pillow off his face and Changmin could see he had been crying. He reached up with one hand and brushed away a wet, matted lock of hair away from Jaejoong’s forehead.

“It’ll be okay, hyung. I promise.”

“You know, don’t you?” Jaejoong asked, a wry smile curling at the corner of his lips.

“Hyung, I’ve known for a long time,” Changmin said.

Jaejoong groaned. “It really is pathetic, isn’t it?”

“Just a little bit,” Changmin agreed, and ducked out of the way when Jaejoong half-heartedly tried to swat the back of his head.

“Then what do you suggest I do, oh great one.”

Changmin knew the question was meant to be a joke, a little bit of light-hearted banter, but he took the question seriously. “Well, honestly, I think you should just get it over with and tell him already.”

Jaejoong rolled his eyes. “Now you sound like Yoochun.”

“Please don’t insult me like that.”

“I’m serious, Changmin.”

“Hyung, listen to me. You have two options: You could not tell him, and everything would stay the way it is now. Maybe you two would reconcile, but your friendship will never be the same. The secret will still be there between you two, ignored but never forgotten. Or you could tell him, get it over with, and then we can all begin to deal with it.

Besides, I can’t help but feel the situation isn’t entirely hopeless. He did try to kiss you, after all.”

Jaejoong shook his head and laughed. “How did you find out about that?”

“A little birdie told me.”

“Brat,” Jaejoong said fondly and ruffled Changmin’s hair. Changmin pretended to hate it, but secretly, he was enjoying seeing the playful side of Jaejoong again. He had missed it.

-----

Changmin was sitting on the couch, watching television. Jaejoong had gone into the kitchen after their talk to cook some supper. Changmin knew it was something he did when he needed some space, so Changmin had left him to it. It struck him then that if everybody else adopted his attitude toward the lead-singer, there would be a lot less yelling in their lives.

He was just about to get up to go into the bathroom when the door to the apartment flew back on its hinges and slammed against the wall behind it, leaving a large dent in the plaster.

Seems to be happening a lot lately, Changmin thought.

In the kitchen, Jaejoong jumped and dropped the pot he had been holding. The loud clang reverberated through the apartment, and Changmin watched as the lid rolled out of the kitchen to land at Yunho’s feet. The leader kicked it out of his way, and it too went careening into the wall.

“Hi, hyung,” Changmin said cautiously.

Yunho didn’t respond.

“Don’t bother, Changmin,” Yoochun said as he entered the apartment behind Yunho. He glanced at the dent the door had made in the wall and said, “You can explain that one to management, hyung.”

“ off,” Yunho said.

“Where did you guys go?” Changmin asked, his gaze moving from Yunho to Yoochun.

“Out for a walk. I had some things I wanted to talk to our leader about.”

“You mean berate me about. I swear, lately it seems the only thing anybody cares about is Jaejoong and his precious feelings.”

“Well if you would quit acting like such an , maybe we—“

Somebody rushed past them, and they heard the sound of a door shutting quietly. It was then they all realized Jaejoong had heard everything.

“Damn,” Yoochun said and stood up to follow Jaejoong. Yunho stopped him.

“I’ll go,” he said.

Yoochun guffawed. “You? What makes you think—“

“I think that’s a great idea,” Changmin said, shooting a quick look at Yoochun that very clearly said shut up.

----

Yunho stood in front of the closed door to Jaejoong’s and Yoochun’s bedroom. He didn’t know why, but he felt…apprehensive. He wasn’t sure what would happen when he opened the door and confronted Jaejoong. Probably they would fight again, but that wasn’t why he felt so uneasy. He could handle anger. Anger was familiar. He simply didn’t want to see Jaejoong. Being close to the lead-singer affected him in ways that excited and confused and frightened him. He had tried to stay away from the lead-singer this past week because he never wanted to feel like he had that night in the club again. But now, he was heading straight into the line of fire, and a part of him was afraid of getting burnt.

Still, Yunho knew he needed to walk into that room. He and Jaejoong had been circling around each other for too long, both wanting to strike but neither willing to be the first aggressor. Well tonight, Yunho meant for it to stop. Something had to give because they couldn’t continue on arguing forever. For their sakes, and for the benefit of everybody directly involved in their lives, they had to find a way to get along: their future success depended on it.

But there was another reason Yunho had to confront Jaejoong, a more private and selfish one. He needed to prove to himself something: that he could look Jaejoong in the eyes and feel nothing. That the night at the club had meant nothing, and that it had all been a fluke. Then and only then could he get on with his life.

Yunho took a deep breath and, steeling his courage, he opened the door.

And there Jaejoong was, sprawled out like a cat across the blankets and pillows. His face was turned away from Yunho, his head pillowed on his arms. One foot dangled over the edge, and his toes wiggled along with the low beat Yunho could hear coming from Jaejoong’s iPod.

Yunho entered the room slowly. It was good that Jaejoong wasn’t able to sense his approach. If the lead-singer knew he was in the room, he would most likely try to make a run for it. Yunho stopped at the edge of the bed and looked down at the expanse of Jaejoong’s back. The lead-singer was wearing a pair of low-slung cotton pants and a thin, white cotton shirt. The edge of the shirt had ridden up, exposing a thin swath of skin and the tip of one jutting hip bone. Yunho beat down the urge to reach out and slide his hand across the tempting flesh—seriously, what was wrong with him?—and instead roughly shook Jaejoong’s shoulder.

The lead-singer jumped. Pulling the iPod buds from his ears, he turned to face Yunho. Jaejoong’s eyes narrowed when he saw the leader standing next to his bed, and the corners of his lips turned down in a frown.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“We need to talk,” Yunho said.

“Go away.”

Yunho shook his head. “No, Jaejoong. Not this time.” He paused, wondering where to begin. “We need to talk,” he reiterated.

Jaejoong scowled. “I’ve been trying to talk to you,” he said, “but every time I get close to you, you push me away. Why should I want to talk to you now?”

 “Fine, you don’t have to talk. But please, listen to me.” He approached the bed where Jaejoong rested and sat gingerly on the corner. “Jae, I just wanted to say…I’m sorry.”

Jaejoong snorted. “That must be hard for you to say. With all that manly pride at stake.”

Yunho tugged at the ends of his hair with his fingers in frustration. “You’re making it really hard to stay civil, Jaejoong.”

“What did you expect? That you could waltz in here all contrite, say your platitudes, and I would swoon and fall into your arms and everything would be okay again? Well not this time, Yunho. I’m tired of you treating me like I’m—“

“Don’t even go there, Jaejoong, I swear I—“

“Like I’m your !” Jaejoong finished.

Yunho closed his eyes and willed himself to remain calm. He was familiar with this ploy: Jaejoong always went in for the kill early. He refused to rise to the bait, though. He was determined to remain the bigger man in this fight.

“I meant it, Jaejoong. I really am sorry,” he said. The first time saying it had been hard. The second time was even harder. He didn’t like putting himself out there like this, hated feeling vulnerable…especially in front of Jaejoong. The lead-singer pounced on vulnerability like he was a cat and it was a juicy mouse. Nobody could use somebody’s own emotions and words against them better than Jaejoong could.

“Sorry for what? For treating me like this past week? For being an insufferable jerk? For almost kiss—“

“Don’t, Jaejoong—“

Jaejoong sprung up from the bed. He felt better having some height over Yunho, like he had an advantage over the other man. Looking down at the leader scornfully, he spat, “You’re such a coward! You can’t even bear to hear the words!”

Yunho’s ire ignited. He stood up from the bed, too, and pushed his way forward into Jaejoong’s personal space. They were so close, Yunho could feel Jaejoong’s panting breath wash across his cheeks. He shuddered at the touch and tried to ignore the tempest unfurling in his chest. This is why he had tried so hard to keep his distance from Jaejoong, but the older man kept pulling him in, somehow. “I am not a coward,” he growled. “Don’t you understand, it’s hard for me to—“

“Don’t you understand how much you’ve hurt me, are continuing to hurt me? Do you even care?”

“Of course I care, Jaejoong!”

“Then why won’t you just man up and face reality? You put your hands on me! You almost—And I almost—“

Jaejoong paused in his tirade. His chest heaved with emotion, and his eyes were wide and wild. His body had tensed up, and he shot a furtive glance at the closed door, like he was prepared to flee.

Yunho quickly put an end to that possibility by grabbing Jaejoong’s wrists in a tight hold. The skin underneath his hands felt hot and smooth, and there was a brief moment when he considered what it would be like to touch Jaejoong in pleasure rather than anger. He quickly squashed down that thought.

“Don’t you dare run away, Jaejoong. You’re not getting away from me this time.”

“Why are you here?” Jaejoong asked again. He sounded tired.

“To apologize,” you idiot, Yunho tacked on to the end. “I am sorry for all of those things. Even that I…almost kissed you,” the last part was spoken in a whisper. “I don’t know what came over me. I was just so angry with you, and....It must have been the alcohol. I never would have—“

“That’s right,” Jaejoong said. His voice sounded oddly thin and metallic, like he was speaking to Yunho through an old telephone. “You never would have kissed me if you had been thinking straight. How could I have ever thought…” Jaejoong looked away from Yunho then, unable to continue.

“Jaejoong, please,” Yunho said quietly, gently. He didn’t want to spook Jaejoong into silence again. This was the most open the lead-singer had been with him in weeks. “Tell me what’s bothering you. Please let me in.”

“No!” Jaejoong shouted and pulled away from Yunho. The younger man was shocked by the sudden violent outburst, and the air around them that had been so electrically charged with heat by their proximity suddenly turned cold. “I don’t have anything to say to you, Yunho. Please, just go away!”

“Quit running from me!” Yunho yelled. Well, at least he had hung on for this long. “All you do is run. Be a ing man for once and just own up to your feelings!”

Jaejoong laughed, the sound bordering on hysterical. “Oh, that’s priceless. You’re such a ing hypocrite.”

“Goddamnit, Jaejoong! I am so ing sick of this song and dance. Eventually it has to get old for you too, so why don’t you just do us all a favor and quit being such a ing drama queen.”

“Why did you even have to go to the club?” Jaejoong asked suddenly, and for a moment, Yunho was thrown off course. “All I wanted was to get away from you—kind of like I want to get away from you right now—but no, I wasn’t allowed even that much. You’re such a control freak!”

“And you’re an idiot who doesn’t ing think. I went to that club to save your sorry ! I wanted to make sure that you were okay, and that you wouldn’t—“

“Wouldn’t what? Ruin the group’s image? It was a ing club, Yunho, it was dark. Nobody could see me, and if they had, they wouldn’t have recognized me.”

“That isn’t the point! Somebody could have recognized you. You could have been hurt, kidnapped, even ! Use your head for once, Jaejoong, please! You’re always living in the moment and you never once think about the consequences. You never think about how your actions could affect us. How they could affect me!”

 “Of course. It all comes down to you and your precious image!”

“You’re wrong, Kim Jaejoong. I wasn’t concerned about myself, I was worried about you. I was afraid something would happen to you. I care about you, Jaejoong. I care about you so ing much and I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” He had said too much, had gone too far. But he hadn’t been able to stop. Weeks of tension had built up inside of him and it was all erupting now in one giant tidal wave.

Jaejoong searched Yunho’s face, looking for some trace of dishonesty. Seeing only his own pain reflected back at him, Jaejoong suddenly felt deflated, and his anger dissipated into nothing. He stumbled back and landed heavily on his bed, feeling more exhausted than he had in his life. “I can’t do this anymore,” he whispered. “I can’t fight with you anymore, Yunho. It hurts too much.”

Jaejoong looked fractured, like at any touch, he would shatter. He always looked that way right at the end; they were getting somewhere. Yunho knelt in front of him to get a better look at his face. Jaejoong tried to look away but Yunho caught him by the chin and held him gently but firmly in place. “What hurts, Jaejoong? Tell me.”

Jaejoong took a deep, shuddering breath. He wasn’t prepared for this moment, and he was the most afraid he had ever been in his life. But he was so tired of fighting, and he was tired of pretending to be strong when inside, he was falling apart. He didn’t have the strength to do it anymore. They were all right: it was time he stopped running. “Yunho, I—I have to tell you this before it kills me.” It was becoming hard to breathe. His head and his stomach hurt, and he was afraid he might throw up. “I know you’re going to—No, please don’t interrupt me. I have to say this.

I know you’re going to hate me after I say this, but I have to say it. I have tried so hard to keep it bottled up but I just can’t anymore. I’m so tired of fighting and pretending to be strong when I’m not. Yunho, I—I love you, Yunho. I love you so much.”