Yunho lay on his bed in the room he shared with Junsu and Changmin. Next to him lay his laptop, abandoned with the lid still open. Yunho knew he should try to get some work done while he had the chance to but he just couldn’t focus on anything other than the thoughts running rampant through his mind. Try as he might, he couldn’t push them away.

He was worried about Jaejoong.

It had been a long time since he’d seen this side of Jaejoong. His warm and playful nature had all but vanished and the only thing left behind was a cold and empty shell. It felt to Yunho like they had gone back in time, to the days before DBSK really began.

He remembered the first time he met Jaejoong. His first impression of the man hadn’t been good. Yunho was put-off, almost intimated by Jaejoong. How could somebody, a man, be so pretty? His second impression hadn’t been any better. And he had decided, he didn’t like Jaejoong. Jaejoong had been too standoffish and looked at everybody like he thought he was better than them. When he was told they would be working together, Yunho was angry.

To his surprise, Jaejoong ended up becoming one of his best friends. Yunho later realized Jaejoong’s cold persona was just a mask he wore to protect himself. For whatever reason, Jaejoong had been afraid and to hide his fear, he had tried to keep everybody at a distance.

That mask was back in place. Something was seriously wrong with Jaejoong—he was afraid again, but of what? No matter how many times Yunho thought it over, he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when Jaejoong’s mood had turned sour. It was frustrating. Yunho knew something was wrong and he wanted to help, but whenever he tried to get close to Jaejoong they ended up in a fight.

Yunho knew Yoochun thought he was being inconsiderate towards Jaejoong. What Yoochun hadn’t stopped to consider is that Yunho was under a lot of pressure. Yunho knew that eventually Jaejoong’s moodiness would begin to affect the group significantly. As the leader, it was his responsibility to keep everybody, including himself, focused. If they weren’t all on the same page, it reflected badly on his leadership skills. Being the leader of a group of people wasn’t easy. He’d like to see Yoochun try to manage everything he was responsible for.

Yoochun was right about one thing. Things in the kitchen had gotten out of hand and Yunho deeply regretted it. For all of his strength, Jaejoong was also delicate. His emotional state was a carefully constructed bubble that, with the slightest disturbance, could pop, leaving Jaejoong confused and unsure of himself. Yunho had forgotten this. All he’d wanted was to talk to Jaejoong but the only thing he’d managed to do was drive Jaejoong further into his shell. Yunho didn’t know what to do anymore. If he left Jaejoong alone, he became sullen. When he tried to talk to Jaejoong, he became defensive.  As far as Yunho could tell, it was a lose-lose situation. He only hoped that soon Jaejoong would let him and the others in. He didn’t like knowing that his closest friend was hurting. Yunho wanted to help but he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know how to begin.

-----

Jaejoong was sacked out on the couch in the living room. He was trying to read but was unable to focus on the words so he gave up. Tossing the book to the side, he picked up the stereo remote and flipped on the radio. He laughed when Super Junior’s song, Miracle, filled the small space with its bubbly, happy-go-lucky melody. He wasn’t really a fan of the song but he needed the distraction.

He had dreamt of Yunho last night.

Jaejoong scowled as his mind began to replay scenes from the dream. He turned the music up even louder to drown out his thoughts but try as hard as he might, he couldn’t stop thinking about Yunho. Jaejoong gave up the fight and turned off the radio.

He was so tired. Just getting through the day in tact had become a struggle. The emotional roller-coaster ride he was constantly on was the worst. One second he could be happy and the next melancholic. He felt almost dirty because he knew, in the eyes of society, everything he was feeling was wrong. Men did not fall in love with other men. But those feelings paled in comparison to the constant worry he felt. What if Yunho realized what was making Jaejoong so tetchy? Yunho would hate him for sure. Jaejoong could take the scorn of an entire nation but if Yunho hated him, Jaejoong knew his world would come to an end.

Maybe Jaejoong was just being silly. Maybe he wasn’t really in love and what he felt for Yunho was just lust. He could deal with that, lust was something that was easy to get rid of. But deep down, Jaejoong knew his feelings for Yunho went far beyond simple desire. He had been feeling things for Yunho for a lot longer than he had originally thought. His feelings had not begun with the drama, it had simply made him more aware of his own subconscious. During the filming, whatever scene he and Yunho were working on at the time, Jaejoong’s mind would flash back to moments when those same things had happened in real life, and the true meaning of his own actions had been thrown into sharp relief.

The last few scenes of Dangerous Love had affected him the most. During the filming, he had been allowed to daydream about that elusive what if? But all of his daydreams had come crashing down when he realized how Yunho acted at the end of the drama was exactly how Yunho would react in real life. Of course Yunho wouldn’t be happy that Jaejoong had feelings for him and he certainly would never return those feelings. Rather, Yunho would be disgusted.

He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. There was nowhere for him to go, nothing he could do to help himself. He was trapped.

Jaejoong grabbed one of the small throw pillows on the couch and screamed into it, the note carrying on forever. When the pillow was soaked through with his tears, Jaejoong threw it away from him in disgust. A satisfied chill crept down his spine when the pillow hit a vase of roses and it fell off the table.

-----

Yunho jumped when he heard something outside the bedroom shatter. He stood up from his bed quickly and rushed into the living room. He stared around in confusion. There was broken glass and rose petals everywhere: a vase had been shattered.

Deep, heavy breathing resonated from the couch, and Yunho walked towards it slowly, being careful not to step on any glass with his bare feet. Jaejoong lay on his back on the couch with his hands covering his face. Yunho looked around the living room again. Had Jaejoong done this? He knelt down next to the couch and pulled Jaejoong’s hands away from his face. He looked at him and Jaejoong stared back through red-rimmed, puffy eyes.

“Go away,” he said through a hiccup.

Yunho shook his head. “No,” he said. “I won’t let you push me away again.”

“I don’t need you!” Jaejoong said icily.

Yunho looked slightly taken aback. “Jaejoong, please, I just want to help you.”

“You can’t help me. Nobody can help me,” he muttered.

“At least tell me what’s wrong,” Yunho pleaded. Jaejoong stared back at him in stony silence. He looked resolute but Yunho knew him better than that. He could see Jaejoong’s walls were beginning to break down. His eyes looked glassy and wet, and his lips were quivering with the effort it took to keep from crying. Yunho closed his eyes for a brief second, unable to look at Jaejoong’s forlorn gaze any longer.

“Please, Jaejoong,” he whispered and pulled Jaejoong into him, wrapping his arms tightly around Jaejoong’s shoulders. But Jaejoong didn’t say anything, just held onto Yunho tightly. Jaejoong knew it was a bad idea to indulge in this closeness but he didn’t care. He needed to feel Yunho’s embrace for just a brief moment.

Jaejoong was in love with a man. He was in love with his best friend. He was in love with Yunho.