Sorry for the lateness :( forgive me?

“S-she?”

I barely managed to stutter that word out. I was taken aback. Who is she? How much does she mean to Yixing?

What am I in comparison to her?

“Yeah,” Yixing beams unconsciously, and a dazed smile appears on his face, “Her name is Li Suyin. She transferred to this school about two weeks ago and I’ve been showing her around.”

Li Suyin? The Chinese girl with big eyes and the prettiest smile? With pale skin and perfect proportions? The girl who’s so nice to everyone and can play piano perfectly? The girl who’s everything...that I’m not?

“...you...like...her?”

Yixing nods enthusiastically, grinning from ear to ear, “I really do.”

When I look at his face, filled with joy by just the thought of this Suyin girl, I can feel something stirring inside of me. It’s a spark, the start of a flame I know will eventually consume me.

Sadness.

Hurt.

Heartbreak.

“I...I hope you’ll--”

--finally see me one day.

“I mean, I hope she likes you back.”

Yixing grins so brightly it’s as blinding as the sun.

“Thank you!” He pauses for a moment before adding on, “If there’s anything that’s bothering you, anything at all, tell me. Promise?”

“I promise.”

Liar.

“Good. I tell you everything, so don’t hold back okay?”

I’m sorry.

Rain suddenly starts pouring down onto us, and Yixing frowns.

"We should go back inside."

He takes my hand in his, just like he did before when he took me outside. However, this time...it feels different. I'm no longer bubbling with excitement; I'm numb with the impact of what I've just learned.

When we get inside, he lets go of my hand, smiles, and walks away like nothing happened.

That's when the fire breaks loose and takes over my entire body, the burning pain spreading from my heart all the way to my fingertips.

~

My mother is in the kitchen, marinating a piece of pork. The counter is covered with various bowls, pots, utensils, and groceries that she bought yesterday. She's bent over the large blue bowl where the meat is placed in, using her glove-covered hands to rub the sauce into the pork shoulder.

“Oh, Eunji, you’re home early. Don't you..."

I ran into my room, hearing her words fade away to nothing by the time I shut and locked the door.

Day 1: Reality.

After barely managing to pull myself together in the cafeteria, I pushed through the rest of the day. I smiled when I had to smile, laughed when someone told a joke, rolled my eyes at something stupid. I even goofed off with Lu Han in science class. Things went along fine until the end of the day when we were dismissed, and Yixing thought it would be a great idea to introduce me to Suyin.

"Eunji, this is Suyin. Suyin, Eunji."

Suyin smiled, and it was stunning, "Hello Eunji. Nice meeting you. You're the one who's dating Yixing-ge, right? I heard a lot of things from kids in the halls."

I opened my mouth to say no, but Yixing beat me to it.

"No, she's just like a sister to me," Yixing replied.

Suyin laughs, "I see. Well, I have lessons soon, so I should get going."

Yixing nods and envelopes Suyin in his arms, "I'll see you in the morning~"

"I'll see you too~"

After she left, he turned to me and grinned, "She's amazing, right?"

"Yeah, she--"

"Oh! I forgot I was meeting up with Lu Han. I'll talk to you later!" And with that, he ran off.

Suyin and Yixing looked perfect together. They were a match made in heaven. She got his attention, while I was shunned to the friend zone.

It also hurt that Yixing hugged her and not me. He always hugged me before I left. Always. Today was the first time ever since we became close friends that he didn't hug me before he left.

I lie down on my bed, burying my face into the pillow. My blanket was the only thing that separated me from the outside world, and I clung to it. My eyes started burning, but no tears would fall.

I hear a soft knock on the door, followed by my mother’s voice.

“Eunji, are you alright?”

I clear my throat quietly, and in my strongest voice I answer, “I’m fine. Just tired.”

My mother hesitates before answering, “Dinner will be ready in about an hour, okay? We’re having grilled pork.”

I don’t reply, and I hear her footsteps fading away, back to reality.

I push my head back into my pillow, and let my thoughts suffocate me again.

Sophomore Year

"What the hell, why is he in our class?" I scoffed.

"You mean the guy you ran into earlier?" Baekhyun asked, "He seems like a ."

After colliding with Yixing, he had pushed me off of him, before scowling and walking away.

"I know, he should have apologized. It wasn't my problem he was in the way."

"Do you know him? It seems like you two know each other."

I laughed, "I served his sorry yesterday."

Baekhyun's eyes widened, "After detention?"

"Yeah. He's probably still pissed."

"Details. Now." Baekhyun leaned over, expecting a story.

The teacher walked in, and the class fell silent.

“My name is Ms. Shin. Welcome to Korean 10 Honors.”

I shook my head and whispered, "I'll tell you on the bus," before I turned back to the teacher.

"You all will be getting assigned seats right now. It's completely random, and these will be your permanent seats for the rest of the year."

The class groaned.

"Can't we just change seats each quarter?" One student asked.

"No."

The student slumped down in his chair, defeated.

"Any other questions?" No one dared to say anything in fear that they would receive a bad seat. "Alright. Everyone stand up and line up at the back of the classroom."

She began seating the kids in a boy-girl order. Each person had one desk mate of the opposite gender.

I crossed my fingers and hoped that I would sit with Baekhyun. I didn't know or like all the other kids in my class.

"Byun Baekhyun and..."

Please be me, please be me...

"Kim Hani, sit here."

I could see Baekhyun sigh and trudge over to his seat. Hani was probably the richest and most popular girl who attended our school, and no doubt the iest.

The girl rolled her eyes, muttered something to her clique, and strutted to her seat like she was a model.

Only Kim Hani would wear designer heels to school.

As Ms. Shin went on, I became uneasy.

What if she seats me with Yixing?

That probably wouldn’t happen, right? The chances of me being seated with him are small.

“Zhang Yixing on the left, Kang Eunji right. Back here.” The teacher gestured to the two desks in the center of the very back of the classroom.

Are you kidding me?

Of all people, for the rest of the year?

I dragged my feet over to where the teacher was standing, and threw my backpack onto the desk. To Ms. Shin, it might have been just a teen with a nasty attitude; however, I was trying to show my discontent with Yixing.

Speaking of him, his attitude was no different. He practically flung his body down onto the chair and shoved his backpack under his desk.

“Is there a problem?” Ms. Shin asked, looking back and forth between the two of us.

“No.” Yixing and I spat at the same time.

She looked doubtful, but she didn’t say anything. After glancing at us once more, she moved on to the next pair of students.

“Nice seeing you again, bastard.” I snarled under my breath.

“Pleasure’s mine, .”

I laughed.

Yixing narrowed his eyes and glowered, “What’s so funny?”

“A foreign exchange student in an honors level Korean class. Don’t you find that amusing?”

“I find it amusing that an idiot like you is competent of taking any honors level class.” Yixing snapped back.

“You pronounced ‘competent’ incorrectly, smartass."

Yixing looked embarrassed for a fraction of a second, but his blank, cold façade covered it up almost immediately. However, instead of replying with a snarky comeback, he just rolled his eyes and looked away.

Eunji: 1, Yixing: 0.

~

Throughout the day, I learned that Yixing and I have practically the exact same schedule on even days. Thankfully, for the other classes, the teachers didn't assign seats, so the two of us kept our distance.

At least, until the dance crew got together after school.

"Hey Eunji, over here!"

I turned around and saw a familiar face waving at me.

"Minyeong!"

Sa Minyeong was a senior that everyone referred to as the leader of our dance crew. She was the best dancer at our school, which resulted in all three of the "Big Three" entertainment agencies scouting her.

Minyeong surprisingly rejected the offers to sign with any of them.

She was also the only person I knew that could beat Kim Jongin, who everyone considered to be an incredible dancer, in a dance off.

But that's a story for a later time.

"Dance crew's going to hold a meeting. We're announcing who's going to represent our school this year."

Every year we had a dance competition that included many of the art schools in Seoul. Even though our school isn't an art school, our music department is large enough to be recognized. Our dance crew consisted of the best dancers in the music department; only the top 10 were part of our group.

"You already chose new members?"

"Yeah, during study hall today. We have four dancers from your grade this year. You're the only sophomore girl."

I still don't understand how I got into that crew in the first place, much less how I managed to stay in.

"Really? I'm still in?"

"Of course, Eunji. Your dancing has improved tremendously, if that's even possible. I think you're even better than Jongin now."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah right. I barely made it in last year...it's probably the same this year too."

Minyeong chuckled, "You're a lot better than you think you are."

“Sure I am. Now, let's go to the meeting."

"Let's go."

When we arrived to our meeting spot (aka, the largest dance room), I saw many familiar faces, faces that I had grown to know last year.

"Eunji! It's been a while, hasn't it?" Taejoon, another one of the seniors, stood up greeted me with a hug.

"Three months isn't that long. Are all the new members coming?" I nodded to the others and broke away from Taejoon, sitting down at the table.

"I'm not sure if all of them are coming, but they've been invited."

"Sorry I'm late, I had to--"

"You!" I shouted, pointing a finger at the boy who came late.

"You again? Are you following me?"

"Idiot, you think I would want to follow you?"

"...I'm going to assume you and Lay know each other already." Minyeong interrupted, "Both of you, sit down."

We immediately obeyed. Minyeong was the last person I'd want to get into a fight with.

"It's a good thing you two already know each other," Taejoon laughed, "It'll make things a lot easier."

"What do you mean?" Yixing and I asked at the same time. I shot him a glare before I turned back to Taejoon, waiting for his answer.

"Taejoon, we can't tell them now," Minyeon said, frowning.

"Fine," Taejoon grumbled with a pout on his face, "Ruin the fun."

"Tell us what?"

"We'll get to it, I promise. For the competition this year, we will have one soloist and one duet. It’s Minyeong’s last year here, so we think we should give her the solo--”

“That won’t be necessary.” Minyeong interrupted, “I have no desire to perform this year.”

What? Minyeong is our best dancer, how could she have turned down the offer like that?

“Instead, I’d recommend Yixing to do the solo instead.”

Yixing looked up, surprised. He didn’t talk much during this time, other than when we yelled at each other earlier. “Why me?”

“Just do it, man.” Taejoon said, slapping Yixing’s back, “I’ve seen you dance, you’re amazing.”

Yixing hesitated before he let out an “okay”.

“Now, for the duet…”

The phone rang, startling me from my sleep.

When did I fall asleep? I don’t remember ever closing my eyes.

Wait, was all of that just a dream? Did I just dream that Yixing had a crush on Suyin? It was more of a nightmare, but I didn’t mind as long as it’s not true.

I clumsily grabbed my phone to answer it, suddenly filled with hope and happiness.

“Hello?”

“Eunji!”

“Oh, Yixing, what’s up?”

“You’re a girl, right?”

“...If I’m not a girl, then what am I?”

Yixing laughed, a breathy sound, before he continued, “Right. Sorry. I was wondering, how do you get closer to a girl?”

So it wasn’t a dream. I really am living in hell.

“Is this girl Suyin?”

There’s a brief silence, before I heard a small “yes”.

I laughed nervously in return, “Why are you asking me for advice? I have as much dating experience as a tree.”

“Well, you give really good advice. I wouldn't ask anyone else, because you're always right.”

Why is it that I’m always the go-to person for help? I’m just honest, I don’t try to give good advice.

“You should...contact her outside of school as well as in school. Don’t just talk to her between classes, text her too. And...listen to her when she talks.”

“I see...thanks Eunji! Sorry I forgot to hug you today,” I could feel myself grow warm while listening to his words, “I’ll hug you tomorrow twice to make up for it.”

“You’re forgiven. How was it with Lu Han?”

“It was okay. He never stops talking about Gaeul though. In a way, I guess, it’s sort of cute that he likes her that much, but he just kept talking and talking…it was tiring.”

“What time did you get home?”

“Uh...around 5?”

5? “What time is it now then??”

“Hahaha, you’re so cute Eunji. It’s almost 7PM.”

. I haven’t started any of my homework.

“...Yixing, did we have any music composition homework?”

"No, why?" I breathe out a sigh of relief.

One less class to worry about.

On the other hand, AP Government and Calculus...

"Yixing, I gotta go, I'll talk to you tomorrow." Before he has the chance to even say goodbye, I end the call.

I immediately dial Baekhyun's number, and he picks up on the third ring.

"Oh hey Eunji, what's u--"

"Baekhyun, did we have any Calculus homework?"

No one answers for a second, and I start to wonder if Baekhyun didn't know what our homework was either.

"No, we had that counselor's meeting last time. But you have to come up with a list of three colleges you're interested in attending."

Not that hard, I guess? It's not like I'm filling out an application now.

"Okay, what about Government?"

"Uhh...if you didn't finish notes in class. And the reading. I think that was it."

"Thanks, Baek. You saved my life."

"Oh really? Then buy me lunch tomor--"

"Hell no."

I hear Baekhyun laugh, "Alright, alright. Oh, by the way, Lu Han said you seemed kind of off today in science. Are you okay?"

Lu Han noticed? He didn’t show any sign that he did.

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” I even laugh to throw him off.

“Eunji…I know about Suyin.”

“Oh yeah, Yixing likes her, right? He told me today. I’m happy for him. Isn’t this the first time he’s liked a girl since moving to Korea?”

Am I good at acting? I don’t know. I just hope it’s enough to convince him.

“...Eunji, you’re hurting, aren’t you?”

“I’m not.”

Again, there’s a silence.

“I have to eat dinner, I’ll call you later.”

Relief floods my body. He didn’t ask me about it. Sure, he might be suspicious, but he spared me time to think of excuses.

I pull out my laptop and open up the online textbook for AP Government, bracing myself for all the reading I’ll have to do.

When I look at the assignment sheet, there’s only 13 pages of reading. And half we did in class.

Wow, I’ve really lucked out then.

I collapse onto my bed in relief, thanking God for letting me live.

At least, that’s what I think before thoughts of Yixing hit me like a brick.

Lucky? I’m the exact opposite. Having little to no homework is just the universe trying to even things out.

Emphasis on the word “trying”.

"Eunji, you have a visitor!"

I try to comprehend what my mother just said, completely confused.

Visitor?

The realization doesn't dawn on me until a few seconds later, and by that time, I'm completely panic stricken.

My room looks like a pigsty. Tissues are strewn across the room from my crying earlier. My blanket ended up on the ground, and the bedsheets only half covered the bed.

On top of that, I probably look horrible. Red eyes from crying, snot coming out of my nose, hair sticking straight up like a bird's nest, and puffy skin; that's what I would see if I looked in a mirror.

All these thoughts run through my head in a second, but they're interrupted when my bedroom door opens. On instinct, I pull up my blanket, duck under it, and cover myself completely.

"Eunji?"

Judging from the voice, I'm guessing it's Baekhyun. Didn't he say he had to eat dinner?

Or did he...hang up to run over to my house?

He caught me red-handed.

I feel the bed dip down and the faint smell cologne floods my nose.

"Are you okay?"

I don't answer because I know that once I do, the tears will start falling again.

"I know you're not sleeping. Do you want to talk about it?"

I focus on my breathing, close my eyes, and try to ignore everything else.

The blanket is tugged off of me, and I make no move to resist it. Cold air hits my body and I shiver, curling up into a ball.

“You look horrible.”

“Why are you here?” My voice comes out like a croak, a disgusting sound. I cringe inside.

“You sound horrible too.”

I attempt to clear my throat, but it cracks anyways. “Thanks.”

“Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t--”

“Tell me the truth. What happened with Lay?”

I’m tempted to lie again, however, not for the reason you think. I don’t want to lie to Baekhyun; I want to lie to myself.

But I can’t bring myself to do so.

“Suyin.”

Baekhyun is quiet. He doesn't say anything immediately; instead, he just rests his hand on my back and pats it. It's calming, I guess. Exactly what I needed.

“It’s just a crush, he’ll get over it in no time, okay?”

“I...I don’t know, Baekhyun. He was so quick to correct her when Suyin thought we were dating…”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s his first crush since he moved here. Those...never last,” Baekhyun falters for a bit, as if he remembers something painful.

Is he, possibly, referring to his own first love?

“So just hang in there, alright?” Baekhyun grins and ruffles my hair, “You’re strong, I know you can do it.”

“Thanks, Baek. I owe you one.”

“No problem. Now go wash your face, it makes me feel uncomfortable.”

“Rude. You’re supposed to be making me feel better.”

Baekhyun shrugs, “You’re okay now, so go. And while you’re at it, change and brush your hair. Make yourself look presentable in front of a man.”

I roll my eyes, “What man?”

“Hey!”

I let out a chuckle as I get up to go to the bathroom.

“Oh, and Baekhyun?”

He looks up, waiting for me to continue.

“Your first love was Sanghee, wasn’t it?”

All I get in return is what seemed to be a wry smile and a stiff, almost unnoticeable nod.