eMira lay in her bed, motionless, staring at the ceiling. The creamy white of the ceiling was neither enticing nor interesting to Mira as her glassy eyes looked on. She was sprawled with her legs and arms out at different angles in the same position she had been in when she woke up four hours ago. It was probably around noon now, but Mira had no intentions of moving. 

Today, the tide had come in. Like a damsel caught in a riptide, Mira was drowning. The only difference, however, was that she had no desire to be saved. She wanted the waves to crash over her and fill her lungs until she could no longer breathe. Mira wanted to feel the pain of the salty water filling her up as her tired legs would kick against the currents until she was paralyzed and could sink into the depths of the darkness.

With dull eyes, Mira looked over to the nightstand where she was reminded of why she felt so weightless. Perhaps an hour ago now she had taken a handful of painkillers and the open bottle was still sitting just within reach. As Mira contemplated taking a few more, there was a loud knock at her door.

"Come in," she mumbled just loud enough to be heard.

"It's Chen," Chen said gently as he poked his head in through the door he had cracked open.

"Yeah." Mira nodded, sitting up with herculean effort.

"I was just coming to check on you since it's almost one. Do you want any lunch?" He stepped completely into her room now and held the door open with one hand as if wanting to have an easy escape.

Mira watched his movements carefully with her empty eyes and marveled at his features. Chen wasn't unattractive and the added euphoria of the painkillers made his face shine beautifully. Mira might have laughed if it didn't take too much effort. The way he stood and moved was in a way that made it look like he wanted to avoid contact with Mira. She found this amusing as well and managed a smile through her numb face.

"What?" Chen's brow furrowed at her smile and lack of answer.

"Why are you so fidgety?" Mira asked slowly, her tongue feeling like a weight in .

"F-fidgety?" He stuttered, obviously panicked at her observation.

"Are you hiding something, pretty boy?" Mira smirked.

"Hiding? No, I'm not hiding anything!" Chen seemed too defensive and what had started as a joke began to pique Mira's interest.

"Spill." She crossed her arms. Chen let his eyes wander, searching desperately for a way to avoid Mira's scrutinizing eyes.

"What are those?" He asked when his gaze fell on the bottle of painkillers that was still open.

"I had a headache, no big deal," Mira answered, lying as she had a million times before.

"Alright." Chen accepted her answer, not having any reason to doubt Mira's word. 

As Chen retreated, clearly trying to avoid their earlier conversation, Mira made a mental note to be more careful. She wasn't living alone anymore and she could do whatever she pleased. At all costs, Mira had to make sure that Luhan wouldn't catch her doing anything. She couldn't stand to bring back those high school memories of the pain she caused him. This was, however, a lot like high school again. For one more time, Mira would have to sneak around her depression without alerting anyone else. She'd done it before, so what was different about now?

"Now, you're an adult, Mira," she sighed to herself. 

Mira could feel her painkillers wearing off and the dark shadows of her mind were closing in once more. Quick, shallow breaths scraped through Mira's lungs as she tried to keep herself above the incoming tide. With a sudden urgency, Mira scrambled out of bed, nearly falling to the floor on her way to the closet. She threw open her drawer filled with shirts and dug her hands into the scratchy cotton of one of her sweaters. Through the fabric, her fingers grasped the cool metal of her x-acto knife. 

"There you are," Mira sighed as she pulled her hand out with her found treasure. 

With just as much urgency as she had had when she climbed out of bed, Mira pulled up her pajama sleeve and looked at the pale skin of her inner arm. She pressed the cool metal blade against her skin and watched as goose bumps rose on her flesh. With a sharp intake of breath, Mira felt the metal bite into her skin. The sharp pain shot up her arm in a euphoria better than any drug. Mira's scarlet blood leaked from the cut and trailed down her arm to pool in the crook of her elbow. Before the pain of the first cut could even begin to fade, Mira worked to add two more. Tingles covered her body and she let the pain wash over her. How could she be careful when this pain was so readily available? Mira craved the cold blade against her skin, the warm trickle of blood. 

"Hey, Mira, do you wa-!" Luhan burst through the door and stopped short when his eyes fell on Mira sitting on the floor with her dripping arm. 

"Luhan!" Mira scrambled into the corner, trying to put distance between she and her friend. 

"What are you doing?" Luhan shouted, rushing forward to grab Mira's bleeding arm. 

"I'm sorry, Luhan! I needed to do it, please understand," she pleaded, hating herself even more as Luhan's features filled with pain and betrayal. 

"Mira, you don't need to!" Luhan shook her arm violently. 

"You're hurting me." Mira shied away from Luhan's touch, wincing.

Luhan looked at his hand, covered in Mira's blood, on the verge of tears. He seemed so appalled at himself for worsening Mira's pain on top of being betrayed and hurt. Mira watched all these emotions flit through her friend's face and blamed herself. If she wasn't such a mess, if Luhan wasn't her friend, no one would be hurt. Instead, Mira had to break everything around her. 

"I have to leave," Mira said, standing shakily and walking out of her room. "No, I can't stay here. I have to leave now."

"what are you saying?" Luhan, who had come to his senses, asked as he followed her into the living room. 

"I have to go!" Mira screamed, feeling as if bugs were crawling all over her as the eyes of every member of EXO were on her. 

"What are you saying?" Luhan reached for her, but she only pulled away. 

"I can't stay here! I'm only messing things up all over again and you've had all this time to fix it!" Mira shook her head violently, clutching her hair in her fists. 

"Mira, you have to stay!" Luhan pleaded. 

"Why?" Mira looked up with the eyes of a pained animal, tears streaking down her face. 

"Because I need to make sure you live!" Luhan reached forward and grasped Mira's wrists in his strong hands. 

"Who asked you?" Mira shouted back, trying to wrestle herself away. 

"What?" Luhan looked hurt and all the others watched with careful eyes. They noticed Luhan's feelings for Mira and she didn't seem to be too grateful to be on the receiving end. 

"Who asked you to save me? Luhan, who told you that was your job?" Mira let her tears fall in larger quantities now and the salty liquid was dripping into her open wounds and on Luhan's hands. 

"I did," Luhan said earnestly. 

"Luhan, I don't want to be saved. That isn't your place to decide to save me. Is that why you asked me to live with you?" It was Mira's turn to look betrayed now. 

"I did it for you," Luhan sighed, letting his head fall into his hands. This was nowhere near where anyone had planned for this to go. 

"Why?" She shrieked, shoving Luhan's chest as hard as she could. "I am a piece of , Luhan. Do you understand? I am garbage!"

"Don't say that," he pleaded, reaching for Mira once more. 

"Don't touch me!" She slapped his hands away. "Answer my question. Why are you doing this?"

"Because I love you, Mira!" Luhan yelled, shocking himself with his volume and paralyzing Mira. 

"...no you don't." She shook her head, backing away cautiously. 

"Mira, I love you just as I did all those years ago. I won't let you die." Luhan spoke carefully, choosing his words artfully to ensure Mira wouldn't react violently. His efforts, however, were in vain. 

"That was years ago, Luhan!" Mira shouted, letting her arms fly in attempt to land whatever blows she could upon him. "You don't like me, you like the idea of me! You want to think you've done something good in fixing a broken girl. You just want to be that good kid you were so long ago. I am not fixable, Luhan. You think you love me, but you love the idea of my shell. You love the mask I put up to keep people thinking I'm okay. Don't ever say you love me, Luhan."

"Mira, wait!" Luhan called as Mira took off, bolting out the door and slamming it behind her, leaving behind an awkward silence that was only filled by Luhan's quiet, shaking sobs.