Being an introvert she was, I guessed it was probably normal for Taeyeon to feel lonely and depressed at times. She had been feeling those emotions several times, and I was not the only witness. All the other members noticed how she withdrew herself from the crowd when we were going somewhere together. Or when she decided to just stay inside her room to listen to music or draw something. Or simply, when she decided not to share things to others and preferred bottling things up for herself. 

It was quite obvious that even our smart fans acknowledged it, I supposed. However none of us knew the exact reason why she had been that way. Not even me, Lee Soonkyu, as her girlfriend. I understood that as women we all had that one period once a month when we did feel more depressed than other times, but I had never been to the point where I felt what Taeyeon felt. My 'lonely' times were temporary, for as soon as that monthly period finished, the negative feelings went by as well. I didn't say Taeyeon was always negative, though, because I didn't even know if those things were considered negative to Taeyeon herself.

But lately, I felt like I had to do something to stop her from being more negative. It started a week ago when I sensed that, day by day, Taeyeon was going ignorant to me and to everything. It's not that she ignored me completely, but I just felt like there's something bothering her so much that blocked her from me. It was like... Her smiles were not from her heart. When we were going somewhere, her mind seemed to always daze off somewhere by itself. When we were talking to each other, it's almost as if she was there, yet she was not there. When I kissed her, I felt like a part of her was not accepting it. 

I had checked the date, and it was already past her period time. So why was she feeling that way? I tried any kinds of efforts I could do. Talking to her more. Sitting next to her on every chance possible. Playing with her during concerts. Kissing and patting her head before going to sleep. But it all turned to no result. I was frustrated, almost hopeless. It never happened before. Surely she had been moody often but I had never felt like my soul was going to where hers was going, to an unknown place. My heart was yearning. I had never felt so empty just by looking at her empty eyes. Had never felt so hopeless just by looking at her flat expressions. And I wasn't even able to explain more because I didn't even understand what was missing. Our life was going well. My love with Taeyeon had been going strong even after almost three years. 

What was it, Taeyeon? What had you been feeling? Why couldn't you just tell me?

"Taeyeon-ah" I opened our bedroom's window as soon as I arrived home from radio DJ-ing. 

She turned her head and welcomed me with a smile, as usual. Her action was usual, but the smile and the look were unusual. 

"Finished earlier?" She asked. I was glad she at least initiated the first conversation that night.

"Yeah, I made time to go to the department store and look!" I gave a signal by preparing my hands inside the department store's plastic bag and made an expression as if I was preparing a surprise for a little kid rather than a girlfriend. I pulled the box from the plastic bag and showed it right in front of her face. "Ta-daa! I know you want this, right?"

Taeyeon focused her attention at the object I just revealed. It was the new complete set of coloring pencils she had been wanting to buy, but due to her schedule, she couldn't. Much to my disappointment, again, she just smiled it off and took it lightly from my hands.

"Thank you, Sunny. I do want it very much" She put it on her table where she was sitting. 

I tried to hide my sigh, but it came out automatically from my mouth when my brain processed the unsatisfying respond from her. I guessed she noticed, because I could see her eyes squinting back at me.

"What happened?" She asked with a worried face.

"Ah, nothing" This time, I gave her one fake smile. This girl didn't know how much she was bothering my mind right now. 

"No, really, what happened? Why did you sigh? Did something bad happen at work?" 

The moment I caught a glimpse of her expression, I knew something was really bothering her. I thought I'd better ask her directly of what's going on, but I didn't want her to know that I knew, because it would most likely make her try to hide it even more. 

"No, Taeyeon, really. I'm fine, don't worry" I fixed my expression to convince her. She still stared at me suspiciously for a few seconds until my bright face finally calmed her down. 

I should try to find out by myself. I made a final decision in my heart that I would dedicate and prioritize most of my time for Taeyeon until I knew what happened. So the first plan immediately came to my mind.

"You know, I think we can go somewhere tomorrow after I finish my radio session"

I wished to get an excited respond, but I didn't

"Where to?" Her tone and her face were flat. 

I almost doubted my plan. Did she not want to go with me? No, Sunny, you got to be convincing. Taeyeon was already down, you could not go down with her. You were the one to lift her up.

"To the restaurant where we celebrated my birthday last year? Or patbingsoo? Or we could go to any cafe you want" I explained in excitement. 

"I'd like to, but.. What for?" 

Her question made my stomach jolt a bit. She used to want to go for dates with me so much, but what's with this time? She seemed to take a note of my changed expression again so she quickly held my hand and watched me with so much worry.

"Sunny, don't misunderstand. I'm just.. I think it was so sudden that you asked for a date outside" She cleared . "You didn't quite like it back then. So I was surprised, why so suddenly.."

"Hey" I patted her head. "Don't think too much. I just want a quality time for us, that's why I'm asking. So, tomorrow?"

She nodded. "Yeah, sure"

I kissed her forehead and went to take a bath. I couldn't stop thinking. C'mon Sunny, think hard. Try to catch a hint from Taeyeon's words and actions just now. I kept thinking until I didn't realize I spent almost half an hour in the bath, which usually only took 15 minutes. Did she feel like I didn't love her? Did she feel I didn't care enough? Did she want more dates? More quality times? I tried to jog my mind, and I didn't remember flirting with any other girl lately. I had never done it in the first place ever since I dated Taeyeon, to be honest. Was there something lacking from me?

Think, think, and think. And even after the relaxing hot shower and the soothing smell of shower gels, I didn't even get a clue. 

I spent the next day's morning and afternoon planning the best to make it the best date. As soon as I finished my radio sessions, I went back to the dorm with my car to pick Taeyeon up. She was waiting for me already with comfortable clothings suitable for a secret date. 

"How's your day been so far?" I tried to sound as happy as possible, hoping she noticed that I truly cared about her.

"Just so-so" She replied shortly. "I did a movie marathon in the morning before getting prepared"

"What movie did you watch?" Again, trying to sound as interested as possible, or even though it was a rather idiot way, who knew I could get more hints by judging what kind of movie she had been watching lately.

"Umm, I watched horror for the first one, can't remember the title because it was in Thai language. I re-watched American Pie for the second. And, erm, romantic, for the last one"

Turning on my detective skills, I quickly spotted the change in her tone when she mentioned about the last movie. "Romantic? What's the title? Maybe we can watch it again together later"

"Hmm, I kinda forget the title again"

"What was it about?"

"Well, you know romantic genre. Ends with.. marriage"

I couldn't help but gulp at her serious tone when she said the last word. She probably didn't mean it that way, but she did. My brain nerves started working. It didn't make sense though. Why would Taeyeon's depression have anything to do with marriage? We were still too young to talk about it anyway.

"I see, well we can find out when we go home later and maybe watch it together for later"

"Yeah, sure" 

It didn't take us long to arrive at the destination. I ordered a private room just for the two of us as well as the food. Private room would be good for Taeyeon to spill out her feelings, hopefully. 

"You haven't told me about your day" Taeyeon took the first turn this time after the waitress left us alone in the room.

I felt a relief again when she was still showing interest. "It's cool. The radio was fun. The funny thing was that a fans asked me how I feel living surrounded by girls. Since I was in all-girls schools back then, too"

"Oh" She commented. "Then what did you say?"

"Of course I couldn't tell them the truth so I just said 'True, but it's okay because I have you guys as male listeners'"

"Yeah" Her eyes went down to the table. "Of course you can't"

My worries returned as soon as she fell silent right after that. My heart started beating faster, afraid I had said something wrong. What should I do now? Start a new topic? Or make a joke about the last conversation? C'mon, Sunny, this is not your first date with Kim Taeyeon. You should have known her long enough to know.

Meanwhile, our foods arrived and I had to keep my thoughts inside. Taeyeon just started grabbing her bowl of rice and taking the dishes. I decided to follow the same. God, I really didn't want to make it awkward. If only I could shout my frustration outloud to the fans 'Hey Sones what do you think I should do?' 

In the end, I managed to melt the situation by making jokes about the staffs in my radio station. She still listened to my stories and made comments at some points, but at the end of the day I still failed to even know a thing. During the ride back home I mentally kept motivating myself that I shouldn't give up now. 

We arrived back at the dorm and took a quick shower and stuffs. Still unsatisfied of today, I dared to have another chance for a talking session with her.

"Taeyeon-ah. It's still quite early, don't you think?" She was putting some lotions on her legs when I sat beside her. "Wanna have some cuddling time?"

She gave me the last smile for the day. "We've spent enough time today. Let's get some rest. We could continue tomorrow since I am still free until next week"

"Ah" I pretended to just nod understandingly. "True, let's just sleep, then"

I tried to understand and let her go to sleep. By the time I could hear her sleeping breaths, I sat myself on the edge of her bed. I stared at her peaceful, sleeping angelic face and its skin gently. Not bothering if I would wake her up, I leaned down and kissed that cheek.

Taeyeon-ah, I wouldn't give up. Even if your mind is made of a thousand puzzles I have to complete for the rest of my life, I am willing to untangle it one by one until one day it becomes a perfect picture in my mind. 

No, I'd never give up.