Here's my alternate ending to Revenge is Sweet! I decided to see what would happen if Leo hadn't killed Jiyong, and things turned out a little happier for him and everyone involved. This is the result.

Free information, the song I listened to while writing this was B1A4's Only One, so if you want to listen to something while reading then I totally recommend it. I'm seriously addicted to that song. 

It's been great to spend time with Leo again, but I think it's finally time to let him go *sobs* Enjoy your read and let me know which ending you liked better!

<3 Ever_Lasting_Friend

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“Would you like a hint?” Another voice echoed through the alley, sounding much louder and rather angrier than the first.

Ilsung and Taehyun reached the entrance to the alley and squinted to better make out the two silhouettes standing dead in the middle of the narrow hallway between buildings. On the other end, at the other entrance to the alley on Naebu street, four other figures stood, seemingly frozen in place.

“You called me ‘pretty boy.’ Now put that in context of a certain customer of yours who recently met your knife.”

A pause. “You’re that kid who didn’t talk, aren’t you?”

Both detectives saw the knife at the same time and both removed their handguns from their belts. Ilsung shone a flashlight down the alley, making both Leo and Jiyong throw arms over their eyes as the light assaulted their vision. The situation had just become a lot more urgent than either detective had previously anticipated.

“Taekwoon,” Ilsung called, and Leo looked away from Jiyong for a moment. “Why don’t you put the knife down? We can talk this through.”

Leo ignored him and turned back to the dealer, keeping his grip on the knife as strong as his other hand’s was on Jiyong’s sweatshirt.

“Why don’t you listen to the nice police officer?” Jiyong taunted. “Keep you from doing something stupid.” He eyed the knife pointed at his neck. “Not that you’re not being stupid already.”

“Leo! Please—”          

“Shut up!” Leo roared at N without wavering his gaze from Jiyong’s. “I think it’s appropriate that you’re faced with Hyuk’s knife, don’t you think?”

“Oh is that what this is about?” Jiyong asked, something showing up in his voice for the first time. It wasn’t clear whether that something was fear, arrogance, or simply stupidity. “Sanghyuk was a good customer.”

Leo’s voice dropped dangerously low. “Is that what he was to you, you bastard? Just a customer?”

Out of the corner of his eye he could see two shapes advancing slowly, their guns pointed right at him.

“Please do something!” One of the boys at the other end of the alley pleaded, looking directly at the officers for the first time.

“Taekwoon, I know what you’re going through, and I know it’s difficult—” Taehyun began, but was interrupted.

Leo paid them no attention and continued to address Jiyong. “Hyuk was a person. He was a fifteen-year-old kid, who you decided didn’t deserve to live anymore!”

Jiyong glanced at the officers as well and smirked. “You think I killed him?”           

“Don’t even try. I’ll ask again. Remember what I said. I said I’d kill you. Don’t think I won’t keep that promise.”

“I think you won’t.” Jiyong’s tone was full of mocking. “You wouldn’t have the guts.”

Leo ignored him. The air was getting colder, full of the breath of everyone standing in the winter air. This was not how he imagined tonight going. He hadn’t meant to make this such a big deal. He needed to see Jiyong’s arrogant face, make him really feel something for killing Hyuk. He hadn’t realized he had Hyuk’s knife until he’d felt it rubbing against his leg. He tightened his grip on the handle and moved it ever closer to Jiyong’s neck.

Two flashlight beams shone directly onto Leo’s face, capturing his pure, exposed emotion for all to see; the tears in his eyes contrasted with the anger on his face. The sight made his friends want to pull him away and protect him from everything that had ever hurt him.

“I want Hyuk back. Instead I get you.” Leo whispered in Jiyong’s ear. He didn’t notice Jiyong pulling his own knife from his pocket and flicking it open with a deadly sounding click. The sound made Leo look down and push Hyuk’s knife at Jiyong until it was touching the skin on his neck. “Instead I get you.” He repeated. “What would you do?”

He didn’t seem to expect any sort of answer from the dealer. The detectives were only a few feet from the pair.

“If Hyuk doesn’t get to live, then neither do you.”

“Please, hyung!” Ravi’s voice echoed at Leo. “Just let it go! We’ve all got to move on.”

“There’s no moving on while he’s still here.” Leo said, his voice still eerily calm. “None of us have been able to do it.”

“Please, Taekwoon. Put the knife down. It doesn’t have to be like this.”

“Admit it, you lowlife. Admit that you killed Hyuk!”

“I’ll do no such thing!” Jiyong shot at him indignantly. “You’re crazy!”

“I’m crazy?!” Leo’s voice was getting louder again and the detectives were getting nervous. They moved quicker.

“There’s no reason to get so upset, either of you. Put the knives down. There’s no need for anyone to get hurt.”

“There are plenty of reasons, you idiot!” Leo yelled at them, unnoticing of the sudden tears sliding down his cheeks.

“We can talk this through.” The voice was soothing and Leo suddenly wanted to listen to it. The hand holding Hyuk’s knife was trembling. Leo suddenly realized that the handle that was currently bathed in his own sweat had once been held by Hyuk. The trembling got worse.

“Taekwoon,” Ilsung’s voice was suddenly right next to him. “Think about what you’re doing. It doesn’t have to be this way.”

Leo looked at Jiyong’s face, inches from his own; he could count the beads of sweat dotting Jiyong’s upper lip. The dealer’s eyebrows were creased to razor sharpness, almost as sharp as the knife held up against Leo’s face, their argument at a standstill.

For a moment, nothing moved. Leo had Jiyong pressed against the wall in a threatening, slightly intimate manner, each youth staring into the point of the knife. Ilsung had a hand stretched toward the two, his flashlight shining on each pale face glowing in the moonlight. Four figures were shrouded in the shadows on the other side, not daring to move or even breathe.

Jiyong leaned closer to his assailant and whispered in his ear, “you think they’ll let you go after this? You don’t even have the guts, do you? It’s better to die and just forget everything, and all you’d have is the sweet oblivion.” His voice had gotten softer, almost tender; the police couldn’t hear what he was saying. “I can help you with that, all you have to do is let me.”     

Leo’s eyes widened at the unexpected suggestion, and his hand trembled even more violently. The lump in his throat grew larger and more tears prickled the corners of his eyes as he considered the option. Perhaps death would be better. No more having to deal with people looking at him strangely when he refused to answer them. No more miserable days shuttered up by himself wondering why his friends still bothered. The blackness would rid him of every misery he’d ever had. He wouldn’t have to worry about wondering if the person who killed Hyuk would ever get his comeuppance.

I’d be with Hyuk again.

“Taekwoon,” Ilsung’s hand touched Leo’s arm carefully, but gently. “Don’t. Let us handle this. This is not your call.” But that wasn’t what Leo was worried about anymore. Jiyong would definitely get arrested. Hyuk’s knife lowered another inch and he leaned his throat ever closer to Jiyong’s, it’s owner smirking when he saw the defeat in Leo’s eyes, the one part of him he could never keep silent.

Ilsung felt the subtle shift in atmosphere, the lull before the storm of violence. Determined to prevent it, he simply plucked the knife out of Leo’s hand, dropped it to the ground, and did the same with Jiyong’s. Leo relinquished his easily and the knife clattered to the ground with a chilling finality, like the last part of Hyuk he still had was gone in the ding of metal on concrete. Jiyong gripped his tightly momentarily before seeming to decide that Leo wasn’t worth it. Ilsung gently but firmly pushed Leo away from Jiyong and Leo didn’t fight him. He then pulled Jiyong none too gently away from the wall and frisked him for any more weapons, pulling out a bag filled with white powder from his pocket in the process.

Leo dropped to the ground and stuffed his head into his hands, as if trying to disappear into his fingers. He never wanted to look at anyone, especially the other boys, ever again if he could help it; he couldn’t bear to see their pitying looks, intensified by ten.

“Kwon Jiyong, you are under arrest for assault and possession of drugs. You have the right to remain silent and anything you say can and will be used against you.” The look Jiyong gave Ilsung was withering as he was pulled away hard enough to almost knock him off his feet.

Leo felt someone pulling him to his feet and dragging his hands away from his face. He fought the arms determined to reveal his face, trying to become invisible from the sympathetic looks around him. “Taekwoon, stop.” The other detective told him, sounding like he was trying not to lose his patience. “Put your hands behind your back or I’ll have to force them there.”

Leo dropped his hands limply by his sides, and for the second time in his life felt metal bracelets pulling them together at the small of his back. He felt panic bloom to life in the pit of his stomach and wondered if he would be sick right then and there.

“Jung Taekwoon, you are under arrest for assault and the intent to harm. You have the right to remain silent...” Leo stopped listening, for the moon had just come out from behind a cloud, leaving three of four faces at the other end of the alley still in shadow. He could see one figure pressed tightly onto another, but couldn’t tell which was which. He could only see one person clearly.

N’s face held neither pity nor judgement. In fact, it was stripped of any emotion, holding the carefully blank expression Leo prided himself on. It was only now that Leo fully understood the others’ frustration, wondering what was going on behind that emotionless facade, wondering what N thought of him now that he had seen what he was capable of. Or rather what he was not capable of. Did he think he was weak? Was he scared?

Of all the people who were scared of Leo, N had never been one of them.

He maintained his focus on his older friend until he was pulled away and into the waiting police car. The sirens above his head deafened him and he silently resigned himself to going with whatever happened next.

*    *    *

Arriving at school three weeks later was the hardest thing Leo ever had to do, and that included being forced to speak when he was younger. He knew what had been spreading across the school, as N had declared it his responsibility to tell him for some reason.

The school had suspended him for the previous three weeks and informed him that if he dared step one toenail out of line again they would be forced to expel him. Ahjumma had been so furious about what had happened in the darkened alley that she forbade him to even leave the house until she said so once he was released from the police. He hadn’t had to go to jail this time; he was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, which he hadn’t started yet. He’d spent all his time in their room, lying lethargic on his bed and eating only what Ravi brought him from downstairs when he got home from school, and even then only nibbling.

He wondered if the others had expected him to magically start speaking again once he got home after that night. Then he wondered if they even cared enough to expect anything. Whichever the case, if anyone had expected it, they were sadly disappointed. If anything, he had withdrawn even further into himself than before, with no chance of speech in any future at all.

He had figured that Jiyong’s arrest would make him happy, or give him at least the semblance of happiness he was capable of, but he felt nothing, not even anger or relief. The dealer’s lack of an alibi for the night of Hyuk’s murder had lead to him being thoroughly investigated, and even that wasn’t enough to bring anything to the surface but the taste of bile in his throat.

When Ahjumma informed him the previous night that he was allowed to go back to school, and she was tired of him wasting space, he hadn’t reacted much then either. It wasn’t like he was desperate to rejoin society. The only thing he felt was regret that he hadn’t leaned toward Jiyong’s knife sooner.

For the first time, he understood what Hongbin went through every day.

The moment he walked through the school doors was everyone’s cue to quell their existing conversations and start new, whispered ones, speculating and probing, wondering if Leo was going to explode as he was now rumored to do. His (more extreme) lack of caring seemed to be obvious to only himself and the other boys, whom he had heard discussing it in hushed whispers a few nights ago before he reentered the room after a shower. He hadn’t bothered to eavesdrop, but did feel a slight spark of satisfaction at their guilty looks and instant separation when he banged the door open.

He ignored the stares as usual, kept his eyes firmly on his shoes, and slouched past the students toward the office, disinterested in the way each little group tightened as if he would suddenly run out and attack them unprovoked. For all they knew, he probably would. For all he knew he might. He simply didn’t care anymore.

“Come in, Taekwoon.” Don’t sound too excited. Leo shuffled into the room and closed the door after him, bowing to the headmaster a moment later. He was invited to sit and he did, refusing to meet the adult’s eyes, preferring to keep his gaze on the decorated coffee mug in front of the man’s computer. There were stripes of colors covering it and he kept himself distracted by counting them.

Headmaster Kim didn’t say anything for a moment, and seemed to want to avoid looking at Leo as much as Leo was avoiding looking at him. “I don’t think I have to spell out for you exactly how much trouble you’re in, do I?”

Leo gave an infinitesimal shake of his head and continued counting colors on the mug on the desk. He was up to ten and was now counting sub-shades.

“The school is on it’s last leg with you, Taekwoon, and again, I don’t feel the need to inform you of the results of you getting into any more trouble. You are on probation for the rest of the school year and then we will discuss your continued enrollment here, based on your performance and behavior.” Damn, he’d counted green twice. He started over with light blue. “You are to report to the office first thing every morning and get your work from your teacher. We can’t allow you to go back to your classroom just yet, so you will continue to do your work in the office until I tell you otherwise. Is that clear?”

Leo gave another tiny nod and debated to himself whether pink and light red were the same thing. He decided they weren’t.

“Go get your books from your locker and come straight back here. Do not speak to anyone and collect your work from your teacher.” Speak to anyone, right. Maybe in everyone around here’s dreams. Then again, the rumors going around included him speaking, and would probably end up in the school’s list of urban legends in another fifty years.

He didn’t want to leave his counting unfinished, but he nodded and picked up his bag from the floor. He left the office, avoiding the stare of the secretary, and walked through the deserted halls. The bell had rung while he was counting colors and he made no effort to speed his progress. As long as no one was staring at him, he was perfectly fine with delaying his work. And the entrance I’m probably going to make. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why couldn’t they just leave the damn work in the office?

Heart sinking with dread, Leo paused with his hand on the doorknob for a moment watching through the window as the teacher took attendance, each hand raised belonging to another pair of eyes that would be staring at him relentlessly in a moment. Sure enough, he twisted the doorknob and flinched as twenty-five faces turned toward him. His teacher did not look pleased with interruption.

“Hurry and get your things, Taekwoon.” She sounded cold. “Your work is on my desk.”

Would it kill them to stop looking?

Leo kept his head down as he made his way to the back of the classroom toward the lockers. Trying to attract as little attention as possible, he grabbed all his books out of the locker and shut it quietly. He accepted the stack of papers from the teacher and made it out of the room in less than thirty seconds.

Once out in the relatively safe hallway once again, Leo allowed himself to breathe again. He shuddered to himself just thinking about the eyes probing him, trying to figure out how he even dared show his face around here again. Judging by what N had told him the last three weeks, that was the kindest thing that had been said about him. Because hey, they wouldn’t want to go to school with a potential murderer. He snorted softly, trying to convince himself how amusing that was and only succeeding in wishing Jiyong had killed him after all.

He found himself back at the office in mild surprise, not having noticed his feet plodding through the halls. I guess the sight of my feet isn’t interesting enough anymore to constitute being aware of it. Feeling miserable thinking about the work ahead of him--though he’d done some work while suspended, it wasn’t nearly enough to cover what he’d missed--he entered the office and followed the secretary’s finger to the room where he would be confined to for the next ten hours.

As he was slamming each individual book on the desk, he noticed a piece of paper fluttering to the floor from between his math and Korean language textbooks. Huh? Figuring it was just a piece of his notes that had ripped or something, he was about to throw it away when he saw his name written in handwriting that was certainly not his. Curious now, he opened it, half dreading what kind of hate he’d find inside.

Taekwoon,

I just wanted to tell you that there’s at least one person in this stupid school who isn’t an idiot. I don’t believe any of these rumors are true and I thought you should know. And if they are then you’re pretty cool for doing whatever it was you actually did.

Leo actually put down the paper to rub his eyes, sure he was seeing things. There was no way that note said what he thought he’d read. I must be more delusional than I thought. No one, and that meant no one, ever said those kinds of things to him, not even if they were in the best of moods. He thought the kindest thing anyone had ever said to him was something along the lines of “you’re not the iest person to be around.”

He looked down and read the note again. A third time. He only believed it was real after the fourth read-through. Something that felt a lot like the very beginnings of a smile suddenly manifested itself on his face. He couldn’t be sure, since the last time that had happened was...when?

The day passed in a series of subjects and voices outside in the outer office, and underneath, a ridiculous feeling of...happiness? At least, I think that’s what it is. Someone else might say they were sure he had to know what happiness felt like until they got to know him.

Ken was waiting for him outside when he emerged, breathing in the cool fresh air after his day inside. I thought you said you’d never wait for me again. They fell into step toward the subway station in a comfortable silence, broken only by Ken’s quiet humming. He has a good voice. Leo surprised himself by noticing. Does he do that a lot?

“Oh, I forgot.” Ken said suddenly. Leo shifted his gaze to him. “Someone gave me this to give you.” He held out a folded piece of notebook paper; Leo reached out to take it, shrugging at Ken’s curious look. He kept it folded despite his burning curiosity if it was the same person from the first note until they were settled on the train. Ken leaned his head back and closed his eyes, knowing Leo would nudge him when it was time to get off.

Hi Taekwoon,

I decided to make myself feel good again by giving you another note thing. I’m pretty sure you stay at school later than us (because, like I said before, this school is stupid), so I can’t leave it in your book like the coward that I am. I was going to leave one for you tomorrow, but then I saw your friend waiting so I’m going to give it to him instead. Sorry, rambling.

The real reason I’m giving you this is because I think you’re pretty awesome. I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with the crap you do every day and still come out stronger.

Ahem...anyway...I hope you have a good night, and I’d like to see you tomorrow, even though  I probably won’t, but you never know.

Leo sat, open-mouthed, for a moment or two completely unable to accept this was real. I’m going to wake up in a moment. It’ll be two months ago and Hyuk will still be here. He pinched himself, but didn’t feel anything. He looked down at his arm, confused, before realizing that Ken was glaring at him. Whoops.

“You could have just nudged me.” Ken grumbled and grabbed Leo’s arm to pull him off the train. Leo stumbled, still in a trance thinking about what this mysterious person had said. They think I’m...strong? He attempted to dismiss that as someone who clearly knew nothing about him, but inside, a small balloon of pride started to inflate the tiniest bit. Was he strong? If strong meant not actually killing himself, than he supposed he could be. And if strong meant something else, like rising past his insecurities and moving on and all that bull, than this person was really clueless.

I wonder what Hyuk would think about this. Leo smirked inwardly. He’d probably think it was the funniest thing since Gag Concert. The thought of Hyuk reacting to something he held in his hand made him crush it in his fist, fingernails pushing into his palm, unnoticing of the pain. I’m not strong at all. I’ve never known strength. He was tempted to throw the damn note away in the next trash bin he saw but something kept him holding onto it as he and Ken plodded their way home. Maybe it was the way that someone cared enough to even try to understand.

But they still knew nothing about him.

I wonder who it is.

Later, he inspected the handwriting around the creases his fist had made, studying every line and circle the mysterious student had penned to him. They had neat handwriting that got slightly messy where the writer had been writing too fast for neatness to catch up. For the thousandth time he wondered why the person had decided to do this. It was the type of thing to do once spontaneously and never do again.

But they had written twice.

And they wanted to see him again.

For the first time in almost three months, Leo woke up the next morning without feeling as though a pillow was pressing against his chest, making each breath difficult. His head wasn’t heavy on his pillow and he didn’t feel as though pulling the blankets over his head forever was the only option. He marveled at the feeling, reveling at it’s unfamiliarity and maybe, just maybe, thinking it wasn’t so bad. Even when Hyuk’s face popped into his head when he went to get his bag from under his bed, he didn’t feel the overwhelming urge to go buy his own knife.

This is weird.

N was looking at him strangely during the walk to the station and he didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he looked any different. The only things he carried that was different were the carefully folded notes in his pocket.

When he went to get his books from his locker at school, he found another note taped to the inside of the door. Trying to control the way his heart was beating he glanced around, trying to figure out who had left it, but no one seemed to be giving him a second glance. Outwardly as stoic as always, he hurried to the office to read it.

Hi Taekwoon!

I just realized I haven’t been formal in these notes, but I’m pretty sure we’re the same age, so I don’t feel an urge to call you oppa.

So it was a girl.

You’re probably wondering who I am, but I won’t tell you yet. I kinda like the whole mystery thing. I’m glad you’re in school today, that tells me you’re still going. You always look so sad and almost, I don’t know, haunted? I want to make you happy again.

Days went by and the notes continued. Leo found the bubble of pride in himself inflating just a bit more each day, and N had started commenting that there was something different about him that he just couldn’t pinpoint. Ravi said it was just that he stopped walking like he had to carry the world on his back every day. Ken agreed with him and said there was a definite difference in how he carried himself lately. Leo hadn’t noticed his shoulders straightening or how he looked forward to reading those notes every day.

One of my Mom’s close friends died a couple years ago. I remember it so clearly; she didn’t get out of bed for about six months. I really don’t know much about you, but I’m pretty sure that the boy who was killed, Sanghyuk, was really close to you.

Reading his name, written by a stranger, had hurt.

But I think you’re amazing just for getting out of bed.

She told him about herself when the notes started getting longer.

I have to confess that it’s gotten to the point where I spend a long time every night writing these letters to you, Taekwoon. Normally I’m a freak about homework because I have to get into a top university (like the rest of my family), but I like writing these more. It makes me feel like I’m actually doing something that matters.

What do you want to be when you’re older?

He’d never thought about it.

When I was younger, I thought about dropping school and auditioning to be an idol, like So Nyo Shi Dae; I really like them. But I’m not talented enough. Then I’ve been stuck on this one idea I’m completely obsessed with: I want to be a veterinarian and work with animals. It’s been my dream for two years. I haven’t told anyone that yet, but I thought I’d tell you.

It’s weird, Taekwoon. Even though I’m writing you these letters (and I know you read them; I’ve seen you at it), and we’re not actually talking, I still feel like you’re listening to me…

He was. Every word.

I want to see you smile.

That was never going to happen. Not in public anyway.

Will you smile one day?

Mundane things around him stayed the same. Ahjumma was still crabby, the home was as dumpy as ever. The food didn’t change. He didn’t speak, smile, or show any outward emotion to anyone. Most nights the pressure of grief in his chest left him gasping for breath as he buried his face in his pillow, willing himself not to make any noise, trying to get Hyuk’s voice out of his head. He felt like he’d failed his closest dongsaeng in every way possible, from failing to maintain his innocence to leaving Jiyong alive. As inwardly happy the anonymous notes were making him during the day, they were unable to keep the grief away when the darkness of night reared it’s ugly head.

But for all outward intents and purposes, Leo was just the same, quiet, unmovable teenager.

Ravi stayed buried in his books and Leo had seen a pamphlet about testing for the police academy stuck in among his things. N was obsessing over some psychology class he was taking, talking about it every spare minute. He and Ken had stopped being as stupid as they used to be. In a way, Leo kind of missed it; it was almost as if Hyuk’s extended absence had taken the laughter out of them. Ken in particular seemed to be quieter than usual, going off by himself periodically; they often heard him singing or humming while doing chores or homework. He wondered what the younger boy was up to, but he wondered more who the girl was who was giving him such encouragement and was his reason to get up at all in the morning.

Leo got to school a little early one day and peeked inside the classroom, trying to see who was leaving him the notes taped to his locker every day. There was only one person in the room, and her back was to him, busily taping a piece of paper to one of the lockers in the back, which he strongly suspected was his. He caught sight of straight black hair pulled back in a half-ponytail and an immaculate uniform before she turned around and he ducked his head around the corner again.

It was Eunhee, the smartest girl in the class. She literally knew every answer about everything. Leo leaned against the wall and puzzled over why on earth she would care about someone like him. She was going places. She would definitely get into a top university and become a veterinarian or anything else she wanted. What was she doing telling him he was strong, that he was amazing, and that she wanted to see him smile?

I’m going nowhere.  

For a moment, the regret rushed back, and he wished even stronger than usual that he’d been quicker on the uptake before the detective had separated him and Jiyong. The very idea that someone like her would care about someone like him was so insane he must have imagined all of it out of desperation.

People jostled him on their way into the classroom. That was another thing that hadn’t changed. Once people got over their fear of him, they just continued to treat him as though he was an extension of the wall--undeserving of their attention. Why should they bother noticing anyone who just stands there?

He stayed against the wall for a few more minutes before going in to get his books from his locker. This time, he glanced around the chattering students and found Eunhee, who was reading a book under her desk. She appeared to be enjoying it, if the snickers coming from her seat were any indication. She seemed to feel someone watching her because she looked up and a moment later, their eyes locked.

Leo was halfway to his locker and Eunhee looked startled and slightly embarrassed that he was looking at her. She flushed red, but still gave him a shy smile. He blinked in slight confusion, but gave her a small nod before continuing to the back of the classroom. Now he was the one feeling a gaze on his back as he opened the locker and removed the note along with his books and turned to leave the room. He looked back once again at Eunhee, who was staring determinedly back at her book, appearing to be absorbed in the story. Leo kept his gaze on her for another second and then allowed the tiniest smile in existence to appear on his face for the briefest instant.

She would never see it, but at least it was there.

*    *    *

Hi Taekwoon,

How are you today? I hope you’re feeling all right and not too sad. There are so many things to be happy about today! Looks like spring is on it’s way, I’m telling you I felt it when I walked outside this morning. I heard the birds in the trees, the leaves are starting to grow, and my Mom’s flower garden is starting to look colorful. Spring is my favorite season, what’s yours?

Guess what? I was nervous about telling my family about the whole veterinarian thing, since it’s not the sort of thing that they would necessarily want me doing, but my Dad said he was happy for me for finding a respectable ambition! Isn’t that great?

I saw your friend last night...Hakyeon? I think that’s his name. He’s really nice. I was waiting for my sister to come out since she had to stay late and wanted me to go home with her. Hakyeon-oppa was waiting for you, I’m pretty sure. We started talking and he was telling me all about this psychology class he’s taking. I told him he should be a psychologist, I think he’d be good at it.

So anyway, I’ve been thinking about telling you who I am. It’s weird, I tell you all these things and you don’t even know which classmate I am. I would laugh if it weren’t ironic. I guess I’m just nervous. Nice things are easier to do when they’re done anonymously.

Anyway, be happy, and breathe in that wonderful spring air! Have a wonderful day, Taekwoon. You deserve it.

He deserved it...what did that mean, he deserved it? It was quite a strange thing to say, especially when he knew he deserved nothing. He’d spent his entire life internalizing the fact that he was entitled to nothing and was undeserving of care or happiness. Who was she to tell him otherwise? She was most likely doing this out of the kindness of her heart and didn’t care the least bit about him. Unnecessary anger rose within him and he crushed the paper into a shapeless lump in his fist.

He didn’t know why he felt this way; for the first time in years, he wanted to scream, shout, make some sort of noise. He never thought about it, as his instinct since he was a kid was to hide everything inside, but screaming was an effective way to rid one of stress. But that remedy was lost to him, it always had been and it always will be. Leo knew he would never speak, that he would never be normal. When he was younger, he’d looked up what they said he had in the library and found that it was absolutely correct. Selective mutism. It might as well have said Jung Taekwoon and the definition would be no different. He could still quote it: an anxiety disorder characterized by a child’s inability to speak in certain situations. He wanted more than anything to be normal when he was younger, he wished he could talk and laugh with his friends. At least twice a day he wondered why they were friends with him; it made no sense. He physically and mentally could not join in when they did anything outside the home. Every time he tried, his body froze until the pressure was removed, forced to stand at the sidelines and accept the fact that fun and conversation would never happen to him.

The thought of screaming and yelling and disrupting class all around him was tempting. He wanted nothing more than to do just that, but the reality made him scrunch the paper even more tightly in his hand. Even thinking about opening his mouth to speak, even if there were no words involved, tensed him to the point of being unable to move, and anxiety course through him so strongly he thought he might fall over. He released the very idea from his mind so he wouldn’t faint just thinking about it.

Why?? What’s wrong with my brain? Deserving...he wasn’t damn deserving of anything, let alone a nice spring day. Normal people were deserving of that sort of thing, people like N or Ravi or Hongbin or Ken. Not people like him. Even people like Hyuk. At least he could talk without freaking out. She had told him he had come out stronger in her first note. Shows how much she knows about strength. There was nothing about him that displayed any sort of strength, whether mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever. Nothing.

Leo slid down the wall until he was sitting against it, his books lying abandoned next to him and his bag sandwiched between him and the wall. He put his head in his hands and took several deep breaths. He didn’t even deserve the kindness of a classmate; the way he’d felt so happy from those notes disgusted him. How dare he have the gall to think--

The sound of a door opening nearby cut his thoughts short and he kept his head down, waiting for the footsteps to pass him, as all were likely to do. He was willing to bet that whoever it was would walk right by him without even realizing he was there.

The footsteps came closer, but they didn’t pass him.

“Taekwoon?”

Leo was so surprised that he lifted his head to meet the gaze of none other than Choi Eunhee. He sat there just staring for a moment before scrambling to his feet and attempting to run away, but apparently she wasn’t having that.

“Wait!” She grabbed his sleeve, forcing him to stop. He made to rip his shirt out of her grip, but she kept talking. “I just want to talk to you.”

Yeah right. Who around here would want to talk to me? Out of curiosity though, he stayed put. He just looked at her, knowing his face was arranged in a way he never wanted anyone to see--a combination of anger, sadness, and panic. He smoothed it out into it’s usual neutral expression as fast as possible.

“I swear I didn’t walk out of class to find you...I just saw you sitting there…” she trailed off, evidently uncomfortable with the way he was staring at her. “Um...wow, it’s a lot harder to talk to you face to face than I thought,” she mumbled, but he heard her. What do you want? He begged her in his head. Just let me be miserable by myself please. Eunhee looked down and saw she was still clutching Leo’s sleeve and she let go at once. She also appeared to notice the ball of paper still clenched in his fist. He didn’t move, waiting for her to say something else. If she doesn’t say anything in the next ten seconds I’m walking away.

“You just looked so upset. I wanted to see if I could help you.” Eunhee said in a small voice.

You can’t.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Leave me alone.

Eunhee looked at the ground. “I’m sorry if that letter said something that made you mad. It takes me a while to write them because I want to make sure I don’t say anything that makes you upset. I thought...you’ve probably had enough of that.” Leo just kept staring at her like she was from the moon. He was half convinced he was hallucinating this entire conversation.

“Do you want me to stop writing you notes?”

Leo’s head jerked up and he was shaking it no before he knew what he was doing. Eunhee looked ridiculously delighted to have gotten a response from him after several weeks of one sided letters.

“Really? Okay!” She was grinning at him. “I’ll keep writing them then.”  Leo nodded and began to back away from her, still wondering if he was imagining this. “Thank you. I like doing it.”

She’s thanking...me?

“I’d better get back to class now. I’ll...I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Leo shrugged and turned away from her. Before she went in the other direction, he felt her hand on his shoulder momentarily and then they separated. He turned, but she was already gone.

For some reason, all his previous anger had dissipated. She didn’t seem to mind that he didn’t talk. That was a first; the only ones who tolerated it were his friends.

Before leaving school that night, he took out a piece of paper and tore it in half. Before he could think about what he was doing, he’d written three words on one of the halves and slipped it into his locker for her to find the next day. Before shutting the door, he looked back at the neatly written words, highlighted by the orange sunset glowing into the room from the open window: “Call me Leo.”

*    *    *

That night was the first night that he didn’t dream of Hyuk. When he awoke in the morning, the first thing he felt was an attack of guilt. Am I forgetting him? Is he gone forever now? In a panic, he closed his eyes and pictured Hyuk’s face, remembering every detail as clearly as he could until he thought that if he opened his eyes, Hyuk would be standing in front of him.

He knew the rush of disappointment was unreasonable when he did.

Leo felt out of sorts all morning, a feeling exacerbated when the headmaster informed him that they were allowing him to return to his classroom now that he had proven himself more trustworthy. It was like they were rewarding him for good behavior. Because going back to class is just what I’ve always wanted.

He went to his locker anyway to pick up his note before sliding into his seat from so long ago. This action alone made all talking in the nearby vicinity stop and most of the other students looked at him in astonishment before breaking out into whispers.

Hi Taekwoon Leo,

Well it looks like I’ve been caught red handed. I’m assuming you saw me putting yesterday’s note in your locker, which is why you were probably unsurprised when I spoke to you yesterday.

That conversation made this whole business so surreal, you know? It’s like, I’ve been writing you these notes, but it’s almost like writing in a journal, since I’ve never actually had any interaction with you. But yesterday made it all much more real, like now I really understand that a real live person is reading these. I hope they make you feel good (sorry again about yesterday).

Well, I don’t mind. I was planning on telling you who I was soon anyway. Now that we have both acknowledged each other, do you think I could go so far as to call us friends? I’d like to think that.

~ Eunhee

PS I like that name. If I had to choose an English name, I’d probably choose that one. I’m not sure what the significance is, but it doesn’t matter. The fact you want me to call you that means I can definitely call you a friend.

Sitting in a classroom all day with actual other people took some getting used to for Leo. He’d been alone for so long he had to stop himself from tensing up when someone got too close. Luckily, the teachers seemed to have given up on his vocalizing anything, and he wasn’t thrown out for refusing to answer or read aloud.

Several times he saw Eunhee sneak a glance at him out of the corner of his eye, and she wasn’t the only one. He kept his head down, but he knew that everyone was wary of him, whether that had escalated to fear or not. But the record showed that most other students took detours around the classroom so they wouldn’t have to pass directly next to his desk.

Getting out at the usual time was odd for Leo, after so long of getting out so much later. N had told him he was staying a little late today, and he sat on the steps in front of the building to wait for him, figuring it was the least he could do after all the waiting they’d done.

He heard the front doors open and the sound of a bag plopping down a split second before he had company.

“Hi.” It was Eunhee. Leo glanced at her and nodded, feeling comfortable enough, especially after today’s letter. “Saw you sitting here, thought I’d join you.”

Don’t you have to get home? Still, it felt nice to have someone want to sit with him, even if the conversation would be one-sided.

“So you’re back in class.” Leo could hear the grin in her voice, even turned away. He nodded again. “That’s good. Things are getting back to normal, I guess, right?”

Normal? Things were never normal. For some reason he felt a lump rising in his throat and he turned away even more. The wind ruffled their hair as they sat in silence.

“I’m sorry about your friend, Taek--Leo.” She sounded like she was testing out the name on her tongue and finding that she liked it. “I really am.” Her voice was soft, comforting. It was the first time anyone had given him condolences.

To his horror, Leo felt a tear slip from his eye at the unexpected kind words. He brushed the back of his hand over his cheek, attempting to pass it off as brushing hair out of his eyes, but he didn’t think she was fooled. Especially when she took hold of his other hand and squeezed.

“If you ever need someone to be with, I’m here.” She didn’t say “talk to.” Does she really care after all? An undeniable warmth spread all over him even in the chilly evening air, the feeling of being cared for and knowing that the other person was sincere. He’d felt this occasionally around N, but this was different.

He looked at her full in the face for the first time. Eunhee’s hair was flying over her cheeks and blocking her vision and he surprised himself by thinking about how pretty it made her look. He released himself from her hand and reached into his bag, finding the other half of the paper he’d used yesterday. He brought out a pen and wrote two words: Thank you.

And then he smiled.

*    *    *

Leo never did speak again. The anxiety caused by the association of talking with bad never went away. But with Eunhee’s help, he was able to find happiness and contentment. She never stopped writing him letters, even when they got older. Every day he would find a note hidden somewhere where he would find it: in the lunch she made him, in the pockets of his pants, under his pillow...tucked into the fist of their sleeping newborn daughter.

Sometimes, he would write back to her and tell her how much she meant to him.

He kept in touch with his closest friends and brothers. N followed Eunhee’s advice and majored in Psychology, eventually opening his own clinic to work with troubled kids. He became very popular and was one of the top children psychologists in Seoul.

Ken adopted his nickname as his stage name when he was accepted into Jellyfish Entertainment as a soloist. He gained almost instant popularity with his beautiful voice and quirky personality. Whenever he came out with a new album, he would send signed copies to his family.

Ravi kept in touch with Detective Choi Ilsung, a relationship cultivated after he’d called to thank him for catching Hyuk’s murderer. Jiyong was sentenced to 25 years to life for distribution of drugs and the murder of a fifteen year old boy. This inspired Ravi to enter the police academy and eventually become a homicide detective. He sent some of the kids he’d come to work with to N for counseling.

Once N got into psychology, he never gave up on Hongbin, who still struggled with depression. They all made sure to check on him, especially around the anniversary of Hyuk’s death every year. But his life was turning around; he had been scouted by a modeling agency, who decided that his looks simply could not be wasted. He was a fairly successful model and he was slowly, very slowly, beginning to see joy in his life.

As for Leo, he’d discovered through Eunhee the power that words and writing can have. The biggest lesson he learned from her was that of strength and it's many different forms. What started as a simple short story became a best-seller, and he found that writing came more naturally than anything else. He had three books in print and was working on his fourth. He was considering coming out with an autobiography titled: Silence is Golden.

Every year on the anniversary of Hyuk’s death, the six of them, Eunhee, and N and Ravi’s girlfriends would gather at the cemetery. They would sit by Hyuk’s grave and just enjoy each others company. Afterward, they would drink to his memory, wishing he was there to enjoy life with them.

As Leo would eventually write in his final chapter of his autobiography, “The pain of Hyuk’s death will never leave me. But I learned that maybe, he never did. Although my silence is permanent, his never will be.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just remember, that even the smallest thing can make a giant difference in someone's life.