It was school holiday and my parents decided to went for a holiday. We went to Jeju Island because my father said Jeju Island has a very beautiful scenery and the air was fresh too. It is good for my mother’s condition. We had a lot of fun together. It has been a while. Kris told me that we should have fun until we feel like we are going to collapsed.

“Tao, I think we shouldn’t sleep at all”. Kris said

“Why?”. I said

“We don’t actually go holiday and I had a lot of fun but I also can’t wait to meet our new siblings”. Kris said

After few days we arrived home. It was 5am and my father woke me up. I opened my eyes and look at the clock. It is not time for me to go to school yet. Then Kris woke up.

“What happen dad?” asked Kris.

“Your mother is going to deliver soon. I’m going to the hospital. You and Tao go to school. After both of you finish school I will bring both of you to the hospital”. said dad in rush.

After school, we waited excitedly for our father to fetch us. He was so small and I don’t even know how to hold him. I asked Kris what is his name. Kris told me that his name is Sehun. It sounds a lot like Korean. I really really really don’t understand my parents. Their first son’s name is an English name, second son is Chinese name and the third son is Korean name. My mother looked so weak. My father went out to meet the doctor. Kris held Sehun. I just looked at him.

Sehun has grown up and always follow me around. I like it because I feel like an older brother. He always listened to me and the best thing is that we are close. Kris couldn’t spend a lot of time with Sehun because he often felt lethargic. I felt sorry for Kris. I had a lot in my mind if we were together. We could be in our own world, lost panet could be the name.

Kris didn’t returned to school in the fall. My parents told me it was his anemia but when I looked up “anemia” in the dictionary this is what I found: a condition in which the level of haemoglobin in the blood is below the normal range and there is a decrease in the production of red blood cells, often causing pallor and fatigue. Pallor and fatigue doesn’t seem bad to make someone miss so much school. Then Kris was hospitalized.

My father set his paper down and looked at me. “Kris does have anemia.” He said. “But he also has lymphoma and it’s very serious.” He seemed to be thinking hard.

“What is lymphoma?”

“It’s a very bad disease but your brother going to get better.”

I went to the bedroom. Kris was sleeping as usual. I looked up “lymphoma” in a dictionary. It took me fifteen minutes just to figure out how to spell it. The dictionary said: any of the various malignant tumours that arise in the lymph nodes or in other lymphoid tissues. Then I looks up malignant. It said: threatening to life, a malignant disease. Tending to metastasize, cancerous. Used of a tumour. And that was how I found out Kris might die. I turned and stared at her. As he slept he looked a lot like he would looked when he was well. After I know about the truth I’m panic. I have a lot in my mind. What if Kris is not with me anymore? What will happen to me?  My tears fall. I can’t hold my tears so I went out at the balcony and cried while looking at the moon. I felt so helpless. After a while, I realised something. I shouldn’t cry. If I cry it means I believe that Kris will die so I stop crying. I still believe that he will be with me until we are old together. I believe in Kris. Kris is strong. 

Most of the time Kris slept, but anytime he was awake, he wanted attention. He wanted a bedpan or food or water or sometime just a little company. But sometime he didn’t know what he wanted. In fact, it seemed that at least once a day he didn’t know what he wanted. That was the most exhausting thing. He would want me to read for him and then he wouldn’t like the book and would want me to sing for him. But he wouldn’t like that either. My teacher had commented on my black circles under my eyes. She said I look like PANDA. A couple of mornings I even made myself coffee. Sehun and I slept in the room with him now because somebody needed to be with him all the time. Once, Kris woke up in the middle of the night, the way he often did. “Tao?” he said. I almost never sleep deeply anymore. As soon as he said my name, I always sat up immediately no matter how tired I was. But that night I was completely exhausted. I could barely pull myself up.

“Tao?” he said, more impatiently.

 “uh-huh”. I sat up. “Yeah, okay.”

“I want some milk.”

“Now? Are u sure?”

“what do you mean, am I sure? I want some milk.”

I got up and went to the kitchen and brought back a cup of milk. I pulled him up and picked up the bolster from the floor and use it to support his back. He took one sip of milk and made a face.

“Can I have water instead?”

“I thought you said you were sure!”. 

He look as he might cry. “I said I’m thirsty!” he dropped the cup to the floor. I just stood there a moment, watching her small rug soak up the milk. I suddenly feel angry at him.

“Dad had to buy you that rug you know.”

“I want water!”

I went to the kitchen and came back with water, a soapy dishrag and a towel. I handed him the water without comment. Sehun’s eyes were wide open watching me. I cleaned up the rug. Kris cried out. “There’s soap on this water glass!” He flung it to the floor. I stared at the cup for a moment the I whipped around. “You are ruining everything!” I said. He looked really hurt for a moment but then he got angry.

He said “I want milk”

I said “No”

“I hate you”

“I hate you!”

Sehun said. “Tao?”

“Shut up!” I snapped at him and he was still.

I finished cleaning up and got in bed. Sehun was still awake staring at me. I told him to go to sleep. Then Kris started to make a soft mournful, squeaky noise kind of like “heeah… heeah… heeah,” every time he exhaled. He didn’t sound like Kris. He made the noise on and on, weakly. It sounded really sad. I really felt like crying. I've never shouted at Kris before. I look high on him but...