Title: [3/5]

To be honest, I found the title a little too cliché. If you were to do a search on the AFF search bar, you could see that there are many other stories with almost the same title. However, I do have to admit that the title suited the story so it was okay. Average.

Description/Foreword: [6/10]

I swear, the description for your story was amazing! If the Description and Foreword section of my review rubric were separated, you would definitely have gotten a full score for the description part. It was simply… Wow! It was short but really attention grabbing. The way you phrased that whole paragraph was amazing enough to catch my eye.

However, what pulled you down was your Foreword. Firstly, it was the character chart that you had for the characters. I won’t mark people down for having that so don’t worry about that but I just thought that it’s pretty much useless to have them because you were simply giving away information of your story. I would prefer to find out what each character is like by reader the chapters, not having them shoved to my face in the Foreword.

Secondly, there were many mistakes in the Foreword, especially grammatical and punctuation mistakes and I’m sad to say that I’m sort of a grammar freak, even though sometimes, I get confuse and paranoid when I write. Haha!

"Yoona, where are you? why is it so noisy in there?" sooyoung ask, she was worrying, yoona isn't still back it's already 1 am in the morning.

1) ‘Why’ should start with a capital letter because you already ended the sentence before with a question mark. Every starting letter for a starting word of a sentence must be in capital.
2) Sooyoung was worried, not ‘worrying’.
3) Another would be your grammar. There was past tense and present tense used in the sentence.
4) What do you mean by “yoona isn’t still back it’s already 1am in the morning”? The sentence structure is wrong and jumbled up.
Correct: “Yoona, where are you? Why is it so noisy in there?” Sooyoung asked. She was worried beause Yoona wasn’t back yet and it was already 1am in the morning.
 

"Yoona! your drunk get home now!" sooyoung ordered.

It’s ‘you’re drunk’, not ‘your drunk’ and again with the Capital letter. :)
Correct: “Yoona! You’re drunk! Get home now!” Sooyoung ordered.

She went to the big oak tree and vomit, she suddenly felt someone patting her back.

You switched from past tense to present here. Plus, I think a full stop would be more appropriate than a comma after ‘vomit’ because you’re technically saying another line.
Correct: She went to the big oak tree and vomited. She suddenly felt someone patting her back.

Plot: [3/10]

It was okay. There wasn’t actually anything interesting about your plots. It was rather predictable and it was just, normal for me. The only thing that I thought was genius was that you didn’t reveal to us who was that guy from Yoona’s past. Instead you used ‘he’ or ‘him’ to describe the guy, as if it was even taboo for the readers to say his name. He must have done something really horrifying to Yoona. Other than that, it was okay. :/

Flow: [4/5]

I can’t really say much for this section since you only had three chapters but so far, I think the pace is fine. :)

Writing style: [4/5]

I really like the format that you had for chapter one. I loved how you had that title thing for the first chapter. However, I was a little to find that you didn’t do the same thing to Chapter two and three. Boohoo. :(

Though, I have to say that I adore your writing style. Everything was paragraph nicely and everything was written in a consistent 3^rd person’s point of view. You even made an effort to separate Yoona’s flashback with a dash on a new line and you even wrote the flashbacks in Italic to differentiate them from the current timeline of your story. Good job on that!

Originality: [2/5]

As much as I loved your writing style, I couldn’t really say the same about the originality of your story. It’s cliché. I’ve seen tons of stories with this kind of storyline and so far, there wasn’t anything much that was interesting. Even the part where Jaejoong was a bossy boss, it wasn’t very exciting to read. However, like I mentioned before, I really like the flair you had put by not revealing to us who Yoona’s past lover was. I thought that was different.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [5/30]

I’m sorry but it was bad. It was really bad. Your grammar was terrible and your punctuation… Oh god. Most of the time, I had to restrain myself from ripping my hair out because I was taken by surprise. So many things were wrong, especially your punctuation! Full stops, especially, were missing almost everywhere.

Grammar and punctuation was what basically dragged you to hell. Haha! I’m joking. I meant that in a joking way so please don’t hate me, okay? I like to joke around. XD

Okay, I’ll try to help you as much as I can because if you want to write a good story, first, you have to make sure that your Basic English foundation is solid. Not exactly perfect but at least, it must be stable, if you get what I mean.

Okay. Firstly, the first mistake that almost made me pee in my pants from frustrations, the missing full stops in your sentences.

When you have a sentence and you’re going to end it, put a full stop. For example, “Mary has a kitty. His name is Key.”

The same goes with dialogues. Example, “Hello. My name is Yoona.”

You don’t just leave the sentence hanging like that without ending it properly. It’s just plain wrong. Sometimes, you tend to use commas instead of full stops when you’re supposed to use full stops. Here are some mistakes that you had regarding this problem.

(Chapter 1)

"It's public here" she said.
Correct: “It’s public here.” She said.

"Then let's take this in my place" He said as he lead the way.
Correct: “Then let’s take this in my place.” He said as he led the way.

"Thanks" he said as he close the door.
Correct: “Thanks.” He said as he closed the door.

They fell asleep because of fatigue, she was resting peacefully under his arms.
Correct: They fell asleep because of fatigue. She was resting peacefully in his arms.

Next, you have a problem with your grammar. You constantly switched from present to past and back to present. There wasn’t a consistent use of one particular tense and everything was a mess. One moment you were using ‘is’ and the next, you were using ‘was’. It was just… Sighs.

If you want to write a good fiction, you have to make sure that you stick to one particular form of tense and use it consistently throughout the story so that it would turn out more professional and decent to read.

(Chapter 2)

The younger girl pouted and sigh deeply "That's not the matter right now unnie, I need a job" She said as she walk inside her room.
Correct: The younger girl pouted and sighed deeply.
“That’s not the matter right now, Unnie. I need a job.” She said as she walked inside her room.

She stir her drink while looking at the window thinking deeply. "It's already been 2 months since I last saw Jaejoong..."  She thought
Correct: She stirred her drink while looking at the window, thinking deeply.
It’s already been 2 months since I last saw Jaejong.She thought.

The guy brougt hid drink down and clap his hands "Wahh~ you recognize me" He said teasingly.
Correct: The guy brought his drink down and clapped his hands.
“Wah! You recognize me.” He said teasingly.

Yoona sigh deeply "To think that I just thougt of you" She uttered under her breath.
Correct: Yoona sighed deeply.
“To think that I just thought of you.” She uttered under her breath.

Other than that, there were some spelling mistakes but there wasn’t too much of that. From here onwards, I’ll just point out some other mistakes that I found and will try to explain to you what should actually be done.

(Chapter 3)

She took of her shoes and hang her jacket. She wear her house sleepers and went towards the kitchen.

She took ‘off’ her slippers, not took ‘of’ and she ‘hung’ the jacket because you used past tense in the sentence. So, you have to have everything in past tense and ‘hang’ is not past tense. ‘Wear’ should be ‘wore’. ‘Sleepers’ should be ‘slippers’.
Correct: She took off her shoes and hung her jacket. She wore her house slippers and went towards the kitchen.

Sooyoung glared at her but hugged her smilingly.

Hugged her smilingly? Huh? You meant to say that Sooyoung was smiling when she hugged Yoona, right?
Correct: Sooyoung glared at her but hugged her as she smiled.

There’s more but I don’t see the point in pointing out repetitive mistakes. If you do have any questions, please don’t hesitate to message me up. I’ll be more than happy to help you!

What I can suggest is that you get someone to beta the chapter before you post it up. It minimizes errors in your story and at the same time, you’ll be able to improve by comparing the two versions of the chapter; the edited and the non-edited version. That way, you’ll understand what mistakes you made and will avoid in the future.

Characterization/Details: [11/25]

There wasn’t much characterization going on but so far, I understood each character’s personalities. It was okay. Though, I wished that you could have done more when it came to the description of their surroundings or feelings, especially the scene between Yoona and Jaejoong. I thought the scene was lacking deeper feelings. It felt like two zombies were having but they weren’t enjoying it because their hormones had already rotted away.

Overall enjoyment: [1/5]

I’m sorry but it was very torturing for me somehow because I didn’t exactly enjoy myself when I read the story. I didn’t click the ‘next chapter’ button because I wanted to but it was because I had to because it’s part of my duty to read the story before I review them. I really think your story has potential but you will need a lot more than just what you have right now if you want your story to be different and enjoyable. Please do not give up okay!

Total score: 39/100

General comments: It wasn’t my cup of tea. Like all other stories, you story has potential. You just need that flair and that extra ‘something’ to make it better. However, even if you had an amazing plot that would sweep people off their feet, it won’t bring you far if your foundation wasn’t strong enough. You need to work on your grammar and especially, your punctuation because it’s important. I hope to see you in the future with a more improved story. Don’t give up! Hwaiting!

I had a small change in the way I review the stories. I know, I shouldn't be changing the way I review but I promise you that this is the last time I'm changing the way I grade. I'm finally satisfied with the rubric and I'm going to stick with it for good. So, for those you wants me to re-review your story once more, please don't hesitate to ask. There won't much changes in the marks but at least you'll get a more detailed review than what you previously got from me. :)