My name is Yoochun and I am a funeral director. A lot may think it’s an odd job. It is, but I take pride in doing what I’m doing. Grooming and basically taking good care of a deceased person might not be appealing to others but it’s been our family business even before I was born. The directorial position was passed on to me and of course I really had no choice but to accept it. Not gonna lie though, I initially hated it with a passion. I didn’t want to touch people who aren’t breathing anymore. Just the thought of it creeps me out, but it's not like I could go against my parents’ orders. Eventually, I have come to accept the fact that whether or not I like it, it’s going to be a lifelong job. My lifelong job. And if I want to survive, I have to learn how to enjoy it or else I’m going to lose my sanity and that is not in my wishlist. As time passed, I managed to get a hang of the oddness of it and mastered the art of embalming.

“Kim Inja. Eighty seven. Cardiac arrest.” I listened as Jaejoong told me information about my next patient. “Grandson is here, if you want to see him.”

“I think he’d want to see his granny. Let him in.”

I was waiting for a guy to barge in, wail and demand me to bring his grandmother back. What surprised me, though, wasn’t how calm he was, but the fact that the grandson was my college classmate, Kim Junsu. ”Couldn’t say if it’s pleasant, but what a surprise.” He said as soon as he recognized me.

“It’s been a while. You look rather… calm.”

He shrugged. “At peace. It’s better this way. She doesn’t have to be in pain anymore. Hurts to see her suffer.” I nodded in agreement. “Mom’s not taking it too well, though.” Probably why he was here, not the daughter.

“That’s understandable.” I offered a small smile, which he returned. As much as I wanted to catch up with him, I have a job to do. “Do you… want to see her one more time before we...” He shook his head. “Alright then. If you could just wait outside.”

Maybe it was because her grandson was my classmate, and friend if I may say so, but I found myself treating her even more carefully than usual. She was a beautiful woman, I could tell. Such a shame that she had to leave this world, but then again, Junsu was right. At least she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

I was doing her makeup when someone barged in. I could only blink at the sight of Junsu trying to stop his mother from advancing towards his grandmother. “Didn’t I tell you to stay at home?” I heard Junsu say.

She was wailing, clutching onto her son’s shirt for dear life. “She’s gone… she… she’s gone Junsuyah…”

“I know mom, I know.”

What a heartbreaking sight it was, too bad I couldn’t do anything to make them feel better. I did what I only could, make Kim Inja even beautiful more than she already is.

“How’s she?” I asked Junsu, taking a seat beside him. We were waiting on a bench outside the room while I let my female staff change the oldest Kim into her favourite hanbok. It was her wish to be dressed in one instead of a shroud.

Junsu sighed, rubbing his temples. “She’s calmed down a little, but she just wouldn’t stop crying.”

“Can’t blame her.” I said. “It’s her mom.”

“Yoochunah,” he spoke after a few minutes of lingering silence. I glanced at him, urging him to continue. “Would it be harsh if I tell her to just get over it?”

“Right now? Yes. Even you haven’t moved on yet so practically, you have no right to tell her to do such thing.”

“Yoochunah,”

“Hmm?”

“When will you stop making sense?”

I chuckled, and so did he, only his was softer.

“So how have you been?” I asked. It’s been seven years. I never thought we’d get to see each other again, much less in a funeral parlor.

“Fresh from divorce.”

I was not able to mask my surprise. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

He shrugged. “Well I’d be surprised if you knew. It’s no big deal. She was a coward.” I’d be lying if I said I’m not curious. I wanted to ask, to know why… what happened, but I couldn’t. Good thing he was pretty open about it. “Said she won’t be able to take care of me anymore and then left. I didn’t expect her to do so anyway. Even before we got married I knew we weren’t going to last.”

“They why did you marry her?”

“It wasn’t about marrying her. It was more like marrying in general. I know people wouldn’t want to spend the rest of their lives with me but I wanted to know how it felt like to be married, to have someone call you as their husband. Someone and a home-cooked meal waiting for you after a long and hard day at work.”

“Sounds like every man’s dream.”

“Is it yours?”

I didn’t realize the question was directed at me until he poked my arm and repeated the question. “Well, something like that except, I’m not really into…” I trailed off, hoping he knew what I meant. He did, and thank heavens he didn’t even seem the least bit disgusted about it.

“Do you have a boyfriend, at least?”

With a soft smile, I shook my head. “None since I broke up with my last one roughly a year ago.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “He didn’t like my hands. And I scare him because I clean corpses for a living.”

“That’s pathetic. I think your hands are pretty.”

“Oh.” We sat side by side in silence, both waiting for my staff to come out with his mom. “Are the rest of your family coming for the cremation?”

Junsu shook his head. “Hyung said he would, but I’m not sure how true that is. My dad would be here, though. Said he’s rushing his way here.”

“Your brother…”

“Has a family. His wife just went into labor two days ago.”

Somehow, I found myself smiling at that. “You know, when someone passes away, a baby is born. Probably because the baby will take his or her place.”

I heard him gasp. “You mean everytime a baby is born, someone in my family will die?”

I chuckled. “No, Junsu. That’s not what I meant. Don’t worry.”

“Then what? That hyung’s baby might be my grandma’s reincarnation?”

“Uhm, no, not that either. I know it’s weird to be asking at a time like this but, have you eaten?” Smooth, Yoochun. Also, I asked because I haven’t had lunch yet, I’m positively famished and yet I just couldn’t leave him with the excuse of lunch. And besides, it’s just a quick trip to my office before we start with the crematorial service.

“Nah, it’s fine. Don’t mind me.”

“Don’t be silly. Come on, you’ll love Jaejoong’s cooking.”

“Jaejoong?”

His question was answered when he met the man in the flesh, Kim Jaejoong. He’s my best friend, my soulmate… and my assistant, heh. I introduced them to each other and they seemed to be getting along well. I bet it was because of Jaejoong’s amazing food.

“And I thought you weren’t hungry.” I teased as he shoved spoonfuls of rice in his mouth.

“Never said I wasn’t.” he replied with his mouth full, I shook my head. I remembered him during college, he was exactly like this. He ate so fast, talked so fast, and did both at the same time. And somehow, it’s kind of endearing.

Apparently, he was at work when his mother called and informed him about his grandmother. He was working overtime and rushed to their house. Everything happened so fast that he didn’t have time to eat until today. Explains why he looks a little stressed out.

As soon as we were all done eating, we headed straight to the crematoria, where both his parents are. “Where have you been?” his father asked.

“I had him sign some papers.” I replied before he could do so himself. I’m not so sure whether or not they’d be pleased at the fact that he went to eat while they mourned.

The service went well and before they left, Junsu and I exchanged numbers.

“Old flame?” Jaejoong teased as I gathered my things. It’s been a long day at work and I needed my much deserved sleep.

“More like old buddy.” I gave him a look. “You are not going to say anyhing else.” He raised his hands in defeat and let out a pout. No honey, that won’t work on me anymore. I’m immune. I shooed him away until his husband of three years fetched him.

Finally, it was time to go home.

I wasn't able to stop myself from sending Junsu a text message before heading to bed.

I hope you haven’t forgotten your dinner.

It wasn’t until the next morning when I received a response from him asking me if we could meet, much to my surprise. I couldn’t help but be worried. Was there something wrong? Did something happen? What does he need me for?

Turned out, there’s nothing to worry about. His parents were in their hometown taking a break while he’s on a leave from work. “You do realize you just kidnapped me from work, right?”

He chuckled. “Technically, I didn’t. But maybe I did, in a sense. You sure this is okay?”

“Hmm. Jaejoong and the rest of the staff would do fine without me. Where are we headed to?”

“The university.”

I think it's cool how we don’t really feel awkward around each other, considering how it’s been seven years since we last saw each other, and we really weren’t that close during college.

Somehow, in some odd way, we just sort of… clicked.

“What exactly are we doing here?” I asked him in which he smiled in response. “Are we even allowed to be in here?” I have no idea where he’s taking us, but it looked like an abandoned building. “I have never been at this part of the school.” And it creeped me out. This place looks like those buildings in horror movies.

“Don’t be a wuss, this isn’t a scary place. You’ll be surprised, Yoochunah. Trust me.”

Trust him? Oh, okay, trust is a big word but I suppose it’s okay to trust him. It’s not like my life’s going to be in danger, right?

Right…?

At the end of the deserted hallway, there was a door. Goodness gracious. As much as I didn’t want to appear like a , I just had to grab a fistful of Junsu’s shirt and clutched onto it for dear life. He laughed at me but I could only care less. He could make fun of me all day long if he wants but I’m never letting go.

“Well this is it.” The moment he kicked the door open, my jaw literally dropped open. It can’t be. It’s impossible. Just how… “Amazing, isn’t it?” I only nodded, unable to form something coherent.

It might be not as amazing to some but I’m just in awe. How can something so beautiful be in something so… so, creepy, so disturbing. Plush green grass, flowers everywhere, full grown tree in the middle and a bench on the side. It’s a contrast to what the building looks like. I feel like I’m in another world, in paradise.

“Looks like someone has been taking care of this place.” I commented. I mean, it won’t be naturally like this, right?

“I am.” I gaped. “Come on, don’t look too surprised. This place is my sanctuary. I found this during my sophomore year. Remember when I was suspended from playing the team?” Oh yeah, I remember him being the school’s soccer team captain. He was so good and he never misses out on a game which is why it came to me as a shock when they announced that Junsu won’t be playing for one season. “It was because I was failing my classes. I was too focused on the championships.” He led us towards the huge tree. He plopped down the grass and patted the space beside him which I took, our backs resting on the tree trunk. “So to say, I got a little depressed and found this by accident. It wasn’t this nice when I first found it, but I patiently took care of it.”

“You did a real good job, Junsu yah. You could have been a gardener.”

“Yeah, except I do not want to be a gardener.”

“What is your dream then?” I asked him.

“Why the sudden question?”

I shrugged. “Just curious. I mean, if you’re living your dream then that’s really nice.”

He looked at me like I’ve gone crazy. What? “Yoochun, do you see me all over the news? Do you see me playing in the field during World Cup? I hope that answers your question.”

I frowned. “Did you just snap at me?”

“Look, I’m sorry I just… it frustrates me, okay. I would’ve been in the national team…”

“What happened?”

Junsu let out a smile, a sad one, I could tell, and shook his head. “Nothing. I guess it’s just not meant for me.” I knew there’s something more to that but I didn’t want to push it. Forcing it out of him would be stupid and would ruin our still starting friendship.

So I let it go.

I shouldn’t have, though, because it’s been bothering me ever since. I know I have no right but somehow, I’m irrationally bothered by it and that irks me. Sooner or later I’d do everything in my power to find out what that is. That’s just how I am and I hate it. I hate that I get really nosy sometimes, specially when a friend is involved.

I waited.

And waited, and waited for a week, hoping that Junsu would at least drop hints but there was none at all. And to say that it was disappointing was a total understatement. What wasn’t disappointing though, was Junsu’s presence. We’ve been meeting each other during our free time. I once asked if he’s not tired of my face yet, he laughed. And when I asked him where his other friends are, he just shrugged and said he has none, that they all abandoned him. I did not understand why they’d do such thing but then again, I don’t understand a lot of things about Junsu.

Yet.





“Are you really going to look at me like that everyday?” I scoffed, shooting Jaejoong a dirty look. He’s been wiggling his eyebrows and grinning like an idiot at me all day and it’s getting really annoying.

“Someone’s got a crush.”

“What am I, six?”

“No, but you’ve got a crush.”

I sighed. “Jaejoong, I don’t do crushes anymore.”

“Hmm. But you want to do Junsu.”

“Kim Jaejoong!” I wasn’t able to resist throwing my stress ball at him. “If I don’t need you here and I’m not paying you, I’d call Yunho right now and ask him to take you away.”

“Oh but he can take me away with all his loving.” Jaejoong squealed almost disgustingly.

You could just tell how truly, madly, deeply and insanely in love he is with Yunho. Sometimes I think it’s cute but most of the time I find it annoying. Five years of having Jaejoong around while he gushes over his own boyfriend had changed my opinion about it being cute.

“You’re gross, Jaejoong. Stop it.”

“You’re just jealous!” He retorted, sticking his tongue out at me. I only shook my head and waved him off. Forever a kid.

Please don’t mind him. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. He knows nothing about Junsu and I. I haven’t told him anything because there is nothing to tell. Junsu and I are friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Jaejoong just happened to be creative and liked to imagine things.

“You’re sighing.” I blinked. Was I? “What’s wrong?”

“I haven’t seen him for five days now.”

“I think it’s cute that you’re keeping track.” I did not hesitate to give him a light punch on the arm. “Okay, okay, this isn’t the time for jokes. Did you fight?”

“Not at all. Last time we were together, he was really happy. But something was off.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, Jae. He’s not usually clumsy but the past few days we’ve been together, he kept on dropping whatever he’s holding. He trips on nothing, too.”

“Well that’s weird.”

Yes, I know. I tried to contact him but to no avail. I’m always directed to his voicemail but I’m not comfortable with leaving a message. He could be busy with work, but that might not be the case because I clearly remember him telling me that he it hasn’t been busy in his office lately which is why we have more time to meet up. This is unlike Junsu. He’s not the type to disappear and then not respond to my calls and texts.

Knowing that he’ll come around eventually, I let it go and distracted myself with work.

But he didn’t.

It had been a month and a few days since he disappeared. I know Jaejoong thinks I’m pathetic to still be waiting for him. Heck, even I think I’m pathetic.





Two weeks after, I found Junsu.

Well technically, he found me, but that’s not the point. I’m at home and I’m guessing Jaejoong had something to do with why Junsu knew where I lived. That’s not the surprising part though. Junsu was in crutches. How and why? I have no idea. But that still wasn’t what caught me off guard.

“I’m sick, Yoochun. Lou Gehrig. It’s a lost cause. Once you get it, you gradually lose control of your muscles. In three or four years, you die.” What? “I have about three years.”

“A… are you scared?” Well what was I supposed to say?!

Junsu shook his head. “Not at all. Everyone dies eventually. I just, I just refuse to die this way.” Hold on a second. This is just too much for me to handle. Junsu is sick? Wha— how… why?

“Is this why…”

“I’m not able to play soccer anymore, yes.” I watched as he clenched his fists on his lap. “I disappeared because I had to go to China for therapy. And I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to know.”

“I was worried. You never responded to any of my messages or calls.”

“I could barely use my phone, Yoochun.” I frowned. “I’m having a really hard time using my hands and legs. But they’re a little better now. I could use it again but not too much.” He pointed a finger at his crutches. I thought he just sprained an ankle. I didn’t think… “Yoochun, you’re crying.”

I felt his warm and shaky hands on my cheeks, wiping away my tears with his thumb. “You made me cry.” I whispered, not really blaming him for it. “How… how are you taking it?”

With a smile, he replied. “It’s been years. I’m way past the denial stage. Right now, I’m at the last stage. The stage where I just… survive. Or at least try to.” He reached out to grab my hand and squeezed it. “I know you’re pitying me. Don’t. I don’t need it.”

“Junsu, I—“

“It’s fine.” He assured, a small smile on his face. Well at least it seemed genuine. “You wanna know a secret?” I hummed in response, liking the feeling of him playing with my fingers. He’s always been a little touchy. “I promised myself that if I get better, I would give love a second chance.” I nodded, not really having a clue where this is heading. “Yoochunah, what’s your definition of fate?”

Fate?

What is fate?

What does it mean to me? I had to take a moment to think before I could answer. “Someone who will stay with you until the end? I don’t know. I don’t believe in that kind of stuff.”

“Really?” I nodded. “Okay. I’ll make you believe.” He took out a ring from his pocket and slowly put it on my palm. “Let’s go out.”

“Where are we going?”

“No, Yoochunah. Let us date, be together. Be with me. Be in a relationship with me.”

Okay.

How do I respond to this? I like him, sure, but I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if this is what I want. I-- I ended up blurting out the most unintelligent thing. “Do you even like me?”

And that earned me a light smack on the arm. “What do you take me for? Of course I do.”

“I’m not going to deny the fact that I do like you as well.” Junsu grinned at my statement and I could squeeze him for being adorable. “I’m just not sure if this is—”

“Don’t you think we suit each other, Yoochunah?”

I thought for a while, and replied when I’ve made up my mind. “We do kind of suit each other..."

"Then stay with me, Yoochunah. Please stay with me."

It hurts to see him almost pleading. It's not like I would reject him, I just... "Okay. But I’m only going to stay as long as I want. Only until then, I’ll stay with you.” Even after that, his grin did not falter. He reached out and surprised me the second time today by grabbing me by the shirt and pulling me in for a hug.

That night, I my laptop, googled Lou Gehrig’s Disease, “Dies from breathing difficulties after showing symptoms of pneumonia.” And felt all the blood drain from my face.

Oh. They really do die?