a/n: everything didn't always happen just like we're expecting, do face the truth. 

Past Days:

"The road is long, and no one can decide where you want to go. The public will always be left in the dark, but it might be that the public will side with who is in the minority. However that's not the truth. Only those who have experienced the truth are able to understand, such as our 11 members and SM employees. To those on the outside, the right and wrong could be reflected oppositely. They probably won't know what it feels like to be betrayed by another person and then to have everyone side with the person who has betrayed us. Everyone can have their own perspectives and opinions. However, the truth is pointing to what is right and wrong. We have a clear conscience. We can't stop someone who wants to leave, and he kept this from us. As we were sweating and practicing hard for our concert, we learned that one wouldn't be coming back. We have to restart preparations for the concert as 11 members. So tired. EXO, let's love."

All the words were pain to him, every single thing that the younger stated to him was like a piece of sharp glasses, scratching his heart until it bled—the blood kept on dripping leaving scars that would never be healed. It was rueful to him and something that he couldn’t bear at all. He didn’t betray them—that was what he could say, he didn’t even have any intention to betray them but he needed his right, he was also a human like others. A normal human being wanted a normal life, like having a great free time, meet friends and working—doing job but with rest. Not like a robot, he wasn’t a thing but human.

He was overwhelmed by a thing, a thing that you didn’t wish to anybody, it was pain, hurt, throb and ache of the heart. Physical pain and wound could be healed by the medicine but heart. There was no medicine that could heal the wound on his heart but happiness. His friends were his happiness but they had already thrown him away. He was nobody to them now.

Tears finally streamed down his face that he didn’t know for how long he was holding it. Everything that happened let him fall in the despair—it was a gnawing, a tug and a dark thing that pulling him under. Countless tears had fallen—he screamed in silence and tried to deal it with all his own. His breath was uneven and the throbbing felling kept on choking him. It felt like something was killing him, leaving him breathless in a room that was only him and the darkness. Nobody was around to comfort him, the fans yes but they weren’t there next to him. He needed someone to be leaned on, to be counted on.

He was sitting in a big room, at his cousin’s mansion in China. He knew that he was leaving without a statement but he needed times. He wanted to cry loudly but the strength had already lost. He felt like being ripped apart. He slowly lied and curled on the cold floor with the crestfallen feeling that was getting into his nerves for every minute and second.

Bawling silently, alone with clutching the cell phone on his chest and Tao’s words kept on lingering in his head. It was like the words had been spat on his face, it burnt him inside out. Nobody could understand him, nobody could feel him and nobody could comfort him but God. He closed his eyes and let himself drifted to the land of nightmares—nightmares that would never end.

He could take so much till he had had enough but he was just a human and human couldn’t bear so much pain in them until the last of their breath and that would be the end of their gloomy world and the end of everything they were feeling.

‘Hyung, I love you even if nobody did. I will always be with you even if I wasn’t there. I’m on your back even if I got hit and I’m staying with you no matter what even if I had to accept that you’re leaving me here.’ – Baekhyun.

‘I’m sorry for everything, hyung. I have to, but remember. You’d always be my dumbest hyung and nobody could ever replace you, your naughty maknae.’ – Sehun.

‘I thought you’re not leaving, but you did, hyung. You’ve made your decision and I could say nothing. Good luck for your new journey.’ – Chanyeol.

‘Thanks for everything.’ – Tao.

‘This made me sad, but I have to. Happy new journey, dude.’ – Xiumin.

‘Manning up for your own right is the right decision you’ve made but we still need you here.’ – Luhan.

‘Thanks for leaving us. I still need you here, we are leaders but what else should I say. You’re leaving.’ – Suho.

‘Remember that I’d always be here for you, hyung.’ – Chen.

‘It’s hurt me to know that you’re leaving, we need you, Ge.’ – Yixing.

‘Why did you leave us, hyung? We are one, remember? EXO isn’t complete without you.’ – Kai.

‘Believe in yourself, hyung. I know that it’s hard but good luck.’ – D.O.

All the words were his lullaby, the fire up words mixed with a simple yet harsh made it turn out to be something that burdened him inside. Sitting on his shoulder and made him fall down, breaking apart and he fell asleep with all the tender feelings and agonizing. Tears kept on flowing down as if it couldn’t stop though he was already in the dark dream.

The lonely sound echoed the room with the sunny rays that sipped through the slightly open curtain—Yifan woke up from his sleep with sore eyes and heavy feelings. His body felt numbed because of sleeping on the cold floor without sheets or pillow. He let out a heavy sigh, he couldn’t move and his gaze locked straight on the bedroom’s door. He felt so weak and didn’t have any strength to even blink his eyes. Too tired from crying and he felt like resting for the entire day.

It was eight in the morning when Kevin stepped inside Yifan’s room only to be greeted with a body figure that was lying lifelessly on the floor. He was there to see him and he didn’t think that he would see a hopeless Yifan with puffy eyes and expressionless on the floor, alone.

He quickly approached the guy and pulled him up to sit then he sighed heavily. Realizing that the younger was sealing his lips, staring at him with the sadness in his eyes and it hurt him. He hated to see him sad because he loved him just like a brother.

“Bro, I think you should stop reading the news and those rumors that keep on spreading all over the world and websites. It’d only hurt you and I hate to see this,”

Kevin said while pulling the younger up and made him sat on the edge of the bed while he was standing in front of the latter with hands on his hips. He was at lost for words, didn’t have any idea whether to scold Yifan or comfort him. The younger was in a big mess now and it made him couldn’t think properly.

“I wanna see my mom,” Yifan finally said with voice barely above whisper but enough to make the older nodded in agreement.

“I think you should, rather than seeing you like this. It’s better for you to rest your mind in your hometown.”

“Thanks bro,” He muttered while flashing a small smile at the older.

Kevin sighed and said, “Not a big deal. I wanna take you to somewhere after breakfast, so—uh take your shower, get ready for the breakfast.”

With that Kevin walked out from the room with a heavy sigh leaving the younger alone. He wanted to bring Yifan to somewhere that could stop him from thinking about EXO, the upcoming concert and etcetera because it wasn’t only a distraction to Yifan—to be precise to Kris but him. Seeing the younger without a smile on his lips was totally a bad thing to him. Not that he wanted to interfere with Yifan’s life but he cared.

Yifan was alone again after Kevin walked out from the room, thinking about his life. His past was passing him by and he saw a lot of pain, a lot of tears. That was how he remembered it. There were a lot of days the he could only cry and his hope was faded away. He wanted to say goodbye to everything. His distressful day was like the world had collapsed leaving only him standing and like not a moment elapsed. Like every time he tried to speak, the words came out as mush and like if he let out a slightest shriek, he would on be ripped apart.

Everything came out as silence—silence that could only kill him, hit him, hurt him with the nightmares that haunted him in reality. His unspoken and melancholy words were drowning him in infinite sadness that nobody could bear. How he wished he could vanish through the darkness and run away, how he wished to end his life without thinking about his friends and how he wished to turn back time and choose another path but idol. It was fun for everybody to speculate everything but him. He was the one who was in hardship. He wanted to tell them to stop spreading all the rumors but how? He couldn’t make any statements—blamed it on the bad company because they were the reason why he decided to file the lawsuit and sealed his lips.

 It wasn’t a simple matter, not for now, not for today and not until they made the statement about all the that had happened, between them, EXO and SM. Yes, SM Entertainment. People did think that he was doing something stupid, breaking himself apart from s and leave the beautiful world that had just begun but the mess had already taken place in his life and there was no way of turning back.

The day was beautiful with the bright sky that light up everyone’s life but him. The sun shone breathtakingly above him—kissing the ground and the wind that breezed tickling his cheeks and tousled his hair, everything was perfect despite the despair that burdening him inside out. He could just shrug it off but only for a millisecond. It was awful and difficult and nothing could comfort him but the earthy smell.

Kevin took him to a place that he didn’t even know where it was but a garden with pleasuring scenery—sitting under the cherry blossom, inhaling the sweet scent of the nature, eyes locked at the small lake before him and he let himself remain silent because he had nothing to say as well. The words were unspoken and he secured everything to himself but his mom. He told her everything, what he felt, about the truth and the rumors, because she was his everything and he didn’t know what would happen to him if she wasn’t there. He knew that everything was hard but at least with her existence, he could still flash a smile though it looked bland and dull.

“Feeling better?” Kevin voiced, breaking the silence as he sat down next to Yifan with his back leaning against the tree. He handed the younger a can of latte that the younger had no idea where it came from.

“I suppose but—” he trailed off and shrugged—taking the said drink then turned to look at his best friend next to him only to be greeted with a frown that was taking its place on Kevin’s face.

“I think you need something refreshing.” Kevin bluntly said causing Yifan to his brows in confusion.

“Is it something like going to the bughouse?” Yifan stared at the older in horror earning a smack on his head and he yelped in pain then pouted.

“Silly. Are you having a mental disorder to even think about it?” Kevin bluntly asked and rolled his eyes in annoyance.

“Nope,”

“Then?”

“Okay stop about this bughouse thing, shall we? Yeah about the refreshing, what do you mean by that?” He asked while opening the can of latte and took a sip of it.

“You need a new environment, you know. Like a new job or something like— doing new things?” Kevin raised his brows—waiting for the response and eyed the younger that was staring blankly at his drink.

“I—I can’t think of anything right now. It’s too miserable in here,”

Yifan said while gently rubbing his temples with his fingers and let out a long sigh. It was too complicated and he couldn’t think of anything else but the issue. It kept on haunting him like Freddy that didn’t stop appearing in people’s nightmare and that was how it goes in his head.

Kevin couldn’t say anything more as he didn’t want Yifan to be more stress and he let the topic off that way—remaining silent. It could possibly kill himself too if he was in Yifan’s shoe and he knew that everybody would feel the same because it wasn’t easy to handle people out there that spreading rumors throughout the website. Rumors did exist and hypocrite was everywhere like what had happened now and then, people could only speculate and manipulate things because they were not in Yifan’s place. Words were easy to say, right? But to do the thing that was too far from our liking was hard.

“Can we stop talking about this? I’m tired hearing the same thing.”

Tao walked out from the practice room leaving all the members in frustration—with anger creeping under his skin. He didn’t want to listen to any of Kris’ news, not that he hated it but sad—he was too sad to even mention about Kris. He felt betrayed because Kris was leaving without uttering a single word to him but in a blink of an eye, he was gone, too far to be reached and it hurt him inside out. He did knew the reason of everything that happened, he knew Kris has his own reason and he did know why the older filed the lawsuit, he practically knew everything yet he still couldn’t understand and he needed the older to be by his side because Kris was the closest to him and nobody could ever replace the tall guy.

He let the tears fall out that he didn’t have any idea of how long he was holding it and made his way to the restroom. He was only a fragile kid—yes a kid to Kris—that could easily cry though it was just a small thing but today, it wasn’t even small and it was too much for him to pick up those pieces of memory that shattered because of the current issues.

He wished that it was just a bad dream and he wanted to wake up from his sleep then let all the nightmares vanished but sadly, it was reality that wouldn’t be vanished by a shrug. The torturous feeling was stabbing everybody’s chest—yes, he wasn’t the one that was in sadness but EXO as well.

Few minutes later he found himself standing in the restroom with eyes staring into the mirror, he sighed. Turning on the tap, he let the water flow—cupping the water with his hands then splashed to his face. He needed something that could distract him from thinking about Kris so he decided to stay at the practice room a bit longer, perhaps until midnight.

Meanwhile the rest of EXO members were sitting in the practice room with back leaning against the mirror—they sat in silence without even talking to one another seemingly deep in thoughts. Their mind went blank and decided to just rest for a few minutes before starting the practice again.

They were actually practicing for the upcoming concert and with only eleven members, they felt incomplete because someone was missing and they couldn’t pay the attention to everything. He needed that someone to come back and cheer them up again. They wanted to see him so bad but with all the staffs that kept on pushing them to continue practice, they had to set it aside and went to the practice then there they were, doing nothing.

“Hyung, please come back,” Sehun mumbled while staring at his phone’s screen, looking at Kris’ photo on the elder’s Intagram account without noticing that he was actually crying and trying so hard to hold back his crystal liquid. He did miss his Laxy Hyung and hoping that the older would be back again with a new hope that none of them would be leaving but to no avail. Everything was in a total mess now. The staffs and their manager had forbid them from keeping in touch with Kris, so what should he do then?

Chanyeol who noticed the silent sob that was escaping from the younger’s mouth quickly snapped his head to the left only to be greeted with a silent cry from the pale skinned boy. His heart aching—seeing the maknae was crying while staring at a photo of Kris on his phone. He did feel the same but he needed to be strong for the members.

“Sehun-ah,”

Chanyeol called with a soft voice and scooted closer to the younger that didn’t even bother to look at him. He could feel a tug on his heart—seeing Sehun cried wasn’t only his weakness but the members. He wrapped his arms around the pale skinned boy’s shoulder—pulling him into a tight embrace, he said—,

“We’re here, don’t cry. Everything will be alright, trust me.”

Chanyeol bit his lip—holding back his tears while rubbing Sehun’s back soothingly. He knew that it wouldn’t be fine, losing a member that they loved wasn’t fine at all and it could only give them sadness. They did smile and laugh when the camera was on but once it off; everything went back to where they were sitting—in a hardship situation.

“How can I trust you when everything isn’t alright, Hyung?”

Chanyeol was a bit taken aback with the words causing him to bit his tongue—didn’t even know how to answer it. It was the hardest question for him and he never felt that speechless before. The younger was really hurt with the fact that Kris was leaving and he needed someone to rely on at that very moment. So he kept on soothing the boy with patting his shoulder and hugged him tight.

Suho, Baekhyun, Luhan and the rest of the members noticed the scene yet they stayed in silent without even saying a single word. The practice room seemed gloomy and dull. The happiness wasn’t with them and they felt so downhearted. Perhaps everything would be fine soon but how soon is soon? They didn’t know.

Suho sighed heavily and slowly approached Sehun and Chanyeol, the rest followed suit and they sat in circle around the two with sadness creeping under their skins. They practically knew the reason why they youngest was crying in Chanyeol’s arms because they could sensed it. Sehun was the closest to M’s members, they knew it and it was impossible if you said that he didn’t upset with the incident because he was sad—too sad until he cried in his sleep. He wanted to stay together with the Hyungs until the very end, like what he had said once on the Sukira and it pained in deep inside when the news of his Laxy Hyung hit him.

“Sehun-ah,” Suho called while slowly rubbing the Sehun’s back, “Please, don’t be sad, your Hyungs are still here. We’ll stay together until forever, remember?”

“What about Kris Hyung?” Sehun muffled in Chanyeol’s chest—and still sobbed silently without even looking at the elders.

Suho sighed in defeat. He was at lost for words and what should he reply to the youngest when he actually had no answer for the question? Should he lie to him and give Sehun a false hope? No, he couldn’t do that and it would hurt the maknae even more.

“Let’s pray together that he’ll be back, we need him, right?” Xiumin finally voiced with drop of tears that slowly ran down his face.

“We need to stay strong and stand for him. Maybe it seems irresponsible to just leave without words but we should put a trust on him,” Baekhyun muttered and sighed in upset.

The rest nodded in agreement and slowly moving closer to one another—having a group hug then they cried altogether—letting out all the sadness that bottled up inside them and felt each other’s warm hug but Tao. They actually wondered where did the cat-eyed boy go but they did know that he needed times to being alone and released his stress. They stayed like that for awhile, comforting one another and tried to warm up the moment. Deep inside them, they were actually whishing, hoping that Kris would be back and they wished that they weren’t giving a false to hope to themselves.

Hours had passed and they decided to head back to their dorm but Tao wanted to stay at the practice room. EXO was walking out the SM building and as usual, the fans were waiting for them outside to snap photos, giving souvenirs, gifts and etcetera and even asked them about the issues but they didn’t buy it and just hurriedly walked—getting into the car but Lay.

He looked mad and people didn’t usually see him with such attitude—it made them startle. He exclaimed to the manager that he wanted to walk and wouldn’t want to ride the car. The manager disagreed but Lay insisted so they just let him walk alone by himself to their place and the rest were heading to the dorm with cars.

Tao was in the practice room, dancing alone with heart kept on dripping blood and chest tightened. He sent a text message to Kris a few minutes ago but there was no reply and it seemed like the older wouldn’t reply to him, he could sense it and it pained him much more inside. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, he stopped dancing and stood up straight without moving as he felt something surging him inside—causing him to let the crystal liquid ran down wetting his skin.  He could see the silhouette of Kris standing behind him in the mirror—flashing a charming smile on his lips and it made him curve his lips up. It couldn’t be a dream, could it? It was too real to be a dream and was it just a lucid dream?

He looked over his shoulder and noticed that there was no one standing behind him. His lips began to tremble and the sorrow slowly sitting on his shoulder, putting a weight that was too heavy to bear. He turned his gaze back to the mirror and the silhouette of Kris slowly faded away, he wanted to stop him, holding and asking him to stay but it was too late. The older was nowhere to be seen and it was only his imagination. Imagination that made him sank into the darkness without company.

‘Ge…’

Present day:

“I’m glad that you’re happy without me but I want you to know that I miss you, the all of you.”

Yifan gently said with teary eyes—staring at the younger with gloomy heart and with that he sighed in defeat to himself then dragged his legs out from the studio. He silently cried—he could feel a sickness in his stomach and a knot in his throat. He felt broken and it was like everything had crushed down—his heart shattered into pieces leaving a breathless soul. The constant pain inside him was killing him inside out. He thought that everything was over, but then just as suddenly he was overwhelmed with a paralyzing pain that forced him to stop for a moment.

He froze his step, fighting with himself—trying to convince himself that he was fine but the constant swing of his emotions made him drown in the ocean of tears. He clutched his chest and bit his lips, trying to stop himself from sobbing violently. The pain was torturing him, he wanted to go back and hug those eleven boys that he missed the most but he couldn’t.

‘Everything has changed Tao, but my love for EXO will never end.’

In the meantime, Tao who was shocked with Kris’ words stood silent and was at lost for words. He didn’t cry, he didn’t say anything—not that he didn’t feel sad but he had never expected that Kris still loving them and Kris was still Kris just like he used to be back then a few years ago. He could see the genuine and sincerity through the elder’s glassy eyes. He was wrong, totally wrong that made him blind. He wished that he could hold him and hug him tight but his step frozen.

“Never once he hates you, never once he forgets you and never once he could sleep soundly without thinking of you and EXO. Keep that in mind Tao,”

Kevin said and sighed. He patted Tao’s shoulder and then he, Ashley and John walked out from the studio leaving the tanned stood stiffly in guilty. Everything wasn’t the same anymore, the tense moment made them sick and they could feel how broken Yifan was when the younger said something about EXO without Kris. They didn’t expect to see the eleven boys at the studio and it surely pained Yifan even more though the issue had passed a few years ago but the wound on his heart was still open and hurt.

It was the right time for Yifan to move on because he had told him what he felt for all this times. He wanted to forget everything that happened and start anew—yes he had a new life now but a new life without the sadness. He wouldn’t wait for Tao’s words, he wouldn’t want to know about the answer and he wouldn’t want to give himself a false hope that they would forgive him—he was too tired to wait and wanted to let the sorrow gone with the darkness.

God did hear all his pray and now it was the chance for him to keep on smiling without thinking about the past. Just like what people said, you couldn’t have a better tomorrow if you were thinking about yesterday all the time and right at that very moment, he promised to himself that he wouldn’t be sad anymore and kept all the sweet memories with EXO to himself. He still loved them and would never stop.

Sometimes the fate didn’t always give us luck instead it was a life examination—experimenting our patience and strength. People would complain that life is unfair but God knows what He did and the servants would have to pray for the happiness. We were thy servant and humans that have feelings and senses, sometimes we forgot that we had The One that was watching us all the times and so we needed to remind ourselves that He was and is always there for us.

un-beta-ed pls excuse any grammatical error / typing error/ etc because english isnt my first language.

I made a cliffhanger for EXO and happiness for Kris. I know that it's hard to accept everything that happen to EXO but we need to keep on supporting them no matter what. Do believe in them. EXO would always be OT12 for me though the fact is instead. 

I made it up on tonight because tomorrow is the press-con about the current issue so be ready guys. I know that the answer is just like what we're expecting and I accept it with a smile and hope that Kris will be happy with his new journey. We are here for you Kris, We are here for you EXO. 엑소 사랑하자! 미소를 중지하지마세요! 화이팅! 

[LEY] XOXO