A Drop In The Ocean
(Flashbacks in Italics) 

It has been 5 months since then, sometimes I just want to disappear. I can't stand the sight of you and him, it tears me apart from the insides. Have you ever had that excruiating pain in your chest when you know that, that someone you love for the longest time would never be yours?

'A drop in the ocean, A change in the weather.'

Sitting ouside the coffee shop that we first met 10 years ago, at the exact same spot that, that silly you accidently spilled the hot chocolate mocha I ordered on my favourite checkered outerwear.

"Oh gosh, mianhae! I'm so sorry." My favorite checkered shirt just got drenched in hot chocolate mocha, I can feel the hot liquid trying to reach my skin thur the clothes. Looking up, I saw you. I can't help but to break a smile looking at your angelic face. "G-Gwechana." 

"I'll get you another cup! I have some spare clothes in my locker let me get it for you, wait here!" before I could even protest, you look at me apologetically before sprinting off to get me a dry pair of clothes. 

Coming back with a pink t-shirt and a black jacket, "Here! Go get change while I get you another cup of mocha." you finally smiled, it took my breath away as I listen to every single word you said attentively, god I could never get bored of listening to that husky voice and looking at that smile. 

'I was praying that you and me, might end up together.'

The same drink that brought us together was served and placed on my table. After slightly stirring the drink for a moment, lifting up the cup, I slowly brought it up to my mouth and took a sip. The first thing I notice is how the drink is slightly more bitter than the ones you made me when I always came here every sunday after school ended. Everything with you was always slightly sweeter. 

"TaeTae~ Where are we going to go after I end work?" Your eyes sparkled with excitement as you smile every so sweetly at me. "Where do you want to go today? We have been to quite alot of places already and my pocket is almost empty already." I pouted slightly showing you the few notes I have in my wallet. "Hmmm~ Why don't we come to my place? I live alone since my parents are all in the US." You just gave my mind another million possible thoughts of what we could be. "Yeah sure."

Your work place isn't far from where you work, the both of us strolled along the Han River making way to your house. Comfortable silence filled the air in between us, how I hope this moment would last forever. Are you hoping for the same as well, fany-ah?

After what seems like forever, we reached the doorstep of your house. Entering, I was awed at how big your house is, "TaeTae, I think you should close your mouth before a fly flies in." You giggled slightly and lightly pushed my jaw up to close my mouth. "Now, lets go pick a movie!" You chripped and skip happily to choose a movie.

The movie was coming to an end, you rest your head on my shoulders. "Why that job? I mean you shouldn't have to if you have an own apartment like this." I asked you curiously. "I wanted to be independent. I didn't want fake people to get near me because of all these. That's that reason I like you, Tae. You are friends with me because of me, because of who I am." 

"It's already late, let's go up and sleep we both still have work tomorrow." 

'It's like wishing for rain as, I stand in the desert.
But I'm holding you closer than most, 'cause you are my heaven."

Not realising, the coffee cup in my hands is already empited while I was occupied by the thoughts of you. Taking out my wallet, I pulled out some cash and left it on the table. I stood up and put my hands into my wind breaker, for some reason my hands seems colder and somehow it feels like it's missing something. Ignoring the feeling, I began walking along the Han River.

"Happy 3rd Year Anniversary TaeTae!" You greeted me in surprise when I entered my apartment. "H-How did you get in here?" feeling kind of worried that you would find out where I hid my secret stash. "You told me that you always put your spare keys in your 3 year old baby shoes incase you forgot your keys." 

"What's the event today? I can't believe you cooked so much food, the amount of food could feed 20 people and we have only 2." I looked at the table filled with all kinds of food. "I'm not sure what do you like to eat so i tried lots of receipe, and.. you forgot what day is it today?!" I think I just accidentally released HellFany. "I-I DO!" I stammered trying to recall. "Oh yeah? Then what day is it today?" You cocked your thick brows and looked at me suspicously, then it hit me with what you said earlier. "It's our 3rd year anniversay!" Your eyes turned into beautiful crescents and your mouth curled up into my favourite smile, "BINGO! Come let's eat now before the food gets cold." The meal was unforgettable, I took a mental note to not let you enter the kitchen anymore.

After the disastrous filling dinner, we lied side by side on my queen size bed. It started raining heavily, a thunder roared thur the house, feeling scared you snuggled close to me. "TaeTae." You called as your arms s around my waist. "Hmmm?" I hummed. "Promise me that you'll never leave me?" I hugged you closer as your head rested on my chest. "I promise."

'I don't wanna waste the weekend, if you don't love me pretend.
A few more hours then it's time to go.'

Stopping by the our favourite bench by the Han River, I sat down, thinking about in which point of time did i did something wrong? Is it because of myself that I am where am I right now? All these years, the only thing I did wrong was loving you, I guess.

"Finally! Thank you TaeTae! I really missed it here!" You hugged me as we landed in California, U.S. "Sorry that we could only be here for the weekend because of my work." I said feeling guilty that we can't spend more time here. "It's okay~ Let's enjoy ourselves alright?" 

Reaching the beach, it was like heaven for a byunt- "Ya! Kim Taeyeon, you're already drooling? It's only been 5 minutes since we been here!" You jutted your bottom lips out cutely. "M-Mianhae, I can't help it Fan-" I paused as a super hot blonde girl in bikini passed by. "YA! BYUNTAE!" You hit my head with your sandals. "Ouch!" I rubbed the area the area that you hit, I can totally foresee a bruise right there. "Hpmh!" You walked away angrily heading back to the hotel. 

Returning back to our room, I didnt see you anywhere in sight. Feeling kind of light headed after receiving a hit just now, I plopped down on the bed and fell asleep unknowingly. 

After what seems like hours, I woke up and  the skies were all already dark. Hearing some voices outside of the room, I walked towards the door and placed my ears on the door to hear clearer. 

"Thanks for spending your time with me and cheering me up."

"It's my pleasure." 

Curious who you're talking to I opened the door just to see you turning around, after you waved goodbye to him. All I saw was his backview. "Who's he?" I asked curiously. "Just a friend. Let's go to sleep Taetae! I'm so tired." That night was different, you didn't hug me like you used to. 

'It's too late to cry, too broken to move on
and still I can't let you be.'

Tears started flowing out of my eyes, as the cold wind slapped me in my face like the reality. The tears blurred my vision slowly, I could no longer hold all of them in as they rolled off my cheeks falling on to the ground, I let go. Just like how I let you go. I stood up leaving the place as I wiped away my tears which just keeps on pouring, I continue walking along the Han River. 

Sitting alone with the off on the couch in the apartment that we share together, I stare at the clock on the wall which is almost hitting 2am and you're still not home yet. Hearing the door slowly creaked open, I saw you trying to sneak into our room without making any noise but before you could, "We need to talk." 

Both of us sat oppsite each other, the atmosphere was tense I don't remember we ever felt so tense before. "So, what do you want to do talk about?" You asked still looking down and playing with the ring we bought to celebrate our 9th year anniversary as friends a few months ago. "I want to talk about you, why are you always coming home so late recently?" I asked feeling concern. "Taeyeon, I'm an adult, I am longer 16 or 18, I'm 25 already and I don't have to report every single thing I do to you." That moment I felt that something inside me snapped. "I want to know because I care Tiff, I care and you know what? I care so ing much, too much! Why can't you just see or even spare a thought about my feelings?!" I have never raised my voice at you. Well, there has to be a first time to everything.

'Most nights I hardly sleep,
Don't take what you don't need from me.'

Slamming the door of our room shut, I buried myself in the sheets trying to not let my tears fall. I hear you opening the door and walk towards the bed, lying down beside me. You took a peek checking if I was asleep, I shut my eyes pretending to sleep so that I would not need to face you after screaming at you just now. "TaeTae." I missed how you called me that sooooo much. "I am sorry, TaeTae. I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry for being so selfish, I love you." I heard you whispered softly. I could no longer contain my tears and I didn't manage to get a wink tonight.

Unknowningly, I reached your door step. Should I knock? I guess I shouldn't, I could hear you laughing with him when he teases you. After standing outside listening to your voice which I haven't heard in a while for god knows how long, everything quieten down, I heard nothing but silence. It's our ten year anniversary today, reaching for my pocket I took out a small box, opening it up it's a Tiffany & Co. ring. I guess, I won't be needing this anymore.

Turning around, I am about to leave when I heard the door open up. 

'Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore.
No, no,
heaven doesn't seem far away.'

"Taeyeon?" I was hoping to hear 'TaeTae' instead. "H-Hi." I finally turned around to see you again, that moment I realised how much I missed you. Your dye hair and it's now a bright red color, I love the color you have always suit red although, you always hope it was pink instead. 

"Where have you been all these 5 months?! You didn't even said goodbye before leaving!" You engulfed me in a hug and I took a few steps back finding my balance, I lost grip of the box as it fell I caught a glimpse of the 5 karat diamond ring on your fourth finger before bending down to pick up the box. "What's that?" You asked trying to get a look of what's in my hands."It's nothing." I said as I shoved the box into the pocket of my wind breaker. 

"Nice ring." I said as I pointed to the ring on your finger, almost immediately your face lited up. " Yeah, I got engaged." You said smiling, that smile that I love so much, but it hurts me so much to know that I'm not the reason behind it. "I-I have to go." before I could step away, you hugged me from the back. "Don't leave without saying anything again, Tae." I keep quiet as my tears threaten to spill out again. "I'm sorry if I did anything wrong, I can't be here without you. Please, Tae. You promised to never leave me, remember? Please." You begged me to stay as I felt wetness on my shoulders, then it hit me.. I made you cry. 

Turning around, I hugged you back so tightly, this might just be the last time I could hold you so close to me. "Mianhae." I couldn't bring myself to not care cause I care, I always did. As long as you're happy, I would stay. Being beside you is just where I need to be because.. 

'You are my heaven.'