PART 4

Sehun didn’t come home again. Baekhyun knew it somehow, but he couldn’t help but expect the boy he has dreams about to appear at their doorstep with open arms and still hold him even after he spilled all of what he’s done. The calls were even shorter and rushed, mostly because Baekhyun couldn’t handle the pain in his chest whenever Sehun tells him that he loves him and unable to say it back. He wanted to, but he felt that he didn’t have the right to say while he’s sleeping with someone else when Sehun is off studying so they could live a better life.

Baekhyun spent days staring at the glass bottle of ‘Oh to my Byun’, fiddling with it in his hands and wishing Sehun would still have it even if he found out about Baekhyun’s affair. Time was coming up fast and while Baekhyun doesn’t try to stop seeing Chanyeol anymore, he couldn’t help but wish that he hadn’t let Chanyeol kiss him at the first place. He should have pushed him away when they got too close. If he had then he would probably be too excited right now to greet Sehun home. He would have kept his own promise and wait for Sehun. But everything’s gone to waste and it was his entire fault. He couldn’t turn back time; he couldn’t undo what’s been done.

“It’s really a shame he survived the crash,” Chanyeol had said when he caught Baekhyun in a conversation with the said person, waist wrapped in a towel as he shaved his non-existent stubble. “I think he would’ve been happier somewhere on the other side.”

He remembered his heart beating with a hatred towards Chanyeol at the words that Chanyeol said, wishing he hadn’t even mentioned about Sehun’s accident to the giant because then Chanyeol wouldn’t have anything bad to say. Unlike the boy currently wrapped in a towel in front of him, Baekhyun actually prayed with all his heart the night he followed Chanyeol’s orders and decided to stay and not go ahead to London that Sehun would go through this hard phase of his life and eventually come home to him when it’s time. But like always, Baekhyun couldn’t part his lips to say what he wants to say. Instead he lets Chanyeol continue with the harshness.

Chanyeol glanced at him through the mirror. “If you actually think about it, his death would have brought us the freedom that we deserve. You wouldn’t have to face him and tell him you don’t love him anymore, right?” He smirked at his own reflection, turning on the tap and washing his hands. “Oh, but you can break it off with him now. He’s just a phone call away.”

Baekhyun gritted his teeth and clenched his hands into fists, ticked off but wordless. He continued to pretend his attention was on the tray of egg tarts he was currently trying to bake. Seeing that he was silent, Chanyeol rolled his eyes and turned around to face Baekhyun. “I want you to break up with him, Baek. It’s obvious there is no hope for you two.”

He remembered being impatient and he wondered why he’d been patient with Chanyeol all this while, swirling around to look Chanyeol straight in his eyes. “I’m not breaking up with him.”

“Why the hell not?” Chanyeol’s voice had gone a notch higher and Baekhyun looked away.

“I still love him.” He says, meaning it as his eyes fell back onto the tray in his hands. He could practically smell the pain that came from Chanyeol, who stood silently in his spot and bored his gaze into the side of Baekhyun’s face. He doesn’t regret saying it; he was only sorry that Chanyeol couldn’t accept it. The giant huffed and walked away angrily, quickly getting into clothes and grabbing his wallet and phone before he left the apartment with a loud bang of the door. Baekhyun spent almost ten minutes staring at his egg tarts, guilty for having hurt the boy who had been there for him yet knowing that he wouldn’t take back what he said.

The tarts ended up overcooked and he was only lucky he hadn’t let them completely burn.

The third Christmas without Sehun came a little too fast, and by this time Baekhyun hadn’t expected for Sehun to appear miraculously. Christmas Eve was spent in the arms of Park Chanyeol, who kissed him full on his lips and made love to him until he’s forgotten everything else and only remembered Chanyeol’s voice calling out his name and Chanyeol’s hands holding him.  Sehun called shortly after to wish him Merry Christmas. Baekhyun, breathless and completely spent, could only clutch his fisted hand over his heart and wish Sehun the same. He thinks Chanyeol was snoring too loud and he thinks Sehun might have heard.

He had never been more exhausted and afraid in his life.

Sehun, of course, never questioned him and the fact that Sehun’s trust for him hadn’t been tampered with made his heart clench.

The year 2013 had been quick, full of regrets and repeating mistakes and wishes that he hadn’t done what he did. New Year was sealed with a kiss on his lips, not by the boy he dreams of and about but the boy who managed to become his everyday life. Sehun called again, like he always does, and wished him a happy new year. He’s coming home soon, but while his heart jumped at this new level of happiness, there was also a weight resting upon it. Sehun would find out about him and Chanyeol, and it would be three years ago all over again; losing Sehun, just completely this time. He doesn’t know what would become of him then.

The first few months of 2014 was a blur of nights spent in the warm confines of Chanyeol’s embrace and days wasted at home with nothing to do but staring at empty flasks of what could have been his new inventions of perfume. The bottle of ‘Oh to my Byun’ still sits at the corner of the table where Chanyeol had put it because he refused to acknowledge its presence. Baekhyun was glad Chanyeol hadn’t been jealous enough to throw it away. He doesn’t know where else to put it though, so he kept it there where it sits untouched. Sometimes he would catch a whiff of it, his natural instinct being to close his eyes and just breathe and all he could see behind closed lids was the image of Sehun with his arms around him. He would open his eyes in tears.

Days spent with Chanyeol are mostly full of laughter and content until Sehun calls and Baekhyun’s mood plummets down. It wasn’t Sehun’s fault, he knows, but he couldn’t help but wish that the phone calls wouldn’t come because no matter how much Chanyeol says bad things about Sehun, he was still mildly attracted to the red-haired giant and days alone were spent craving for Chanyeol’s arms to be around him. Chanyeol is his own personal warmth, the boy he could lean on, his source of breathing and almost as close to an importance to being his whole life. Chanyeol is everywhere he turns and he found that he didn’t mind it one bit.

“You know, if you’d broken up with Sehun, you wouldn’t have to suffer the guilt.” Chanyeol was saying as they both lay awake on Baekhyun’s bed, arms wrapped around the smaller boy and Baekhyun resting his head on Chanyeol’s bare chest. “We would be fine.”

Baekhyun closed his eyes and sighed. “If we were to part, I won’t be the one to break it off.”

Chanyeol scoffed. “But you already broke everything when you let me kiss you.”

The words stung at his flesh and his heart and his head but it was true. Everything Chanyeol’s ever said to him seemed to always make sense. And everything inside him told him to believe every word that leaves Chanyeol’s lips because they were all so true. Maybe that was why he found himself seated on the couch the next day, cross-legged and letting his thumb fly across the keyboard, typing out every word with care and hopeful that he wouldn’t regret it once he presses send. He was going to end his own misery and move on with Chanyeol. We would be fine.

He spent another ten minutes rereading every word that he had typed, the light of the screen beginning to hurt his head. The words break up and I’m sorry seemed so fake written in one sentence and it was after another five minutes of decision-making that he decided to finally go through with it. It was high chance Sehun already stopped loving him a long time ago anyway, obliged to say the three words just to make Baekhyun feel better. His thumb hovered above the send button when the phone blinked and Sehun’s picture popped up along with his London number. Baekhyun’s heartbeat escalated as he took five seconds wondering if he should pick up.

It was June the third and if he counted correctly, Sehun would be coming home in two weeks’ time. But apparently plans changed. “Baekhyun, guess what?!”

The excitement in Sehun’s voice made him smile and there was equilibrium of an emotion to how Sehun sounded in his chest. He sat on the edge of the couch, phone clutched to his ears and eyes unblinking, the message he had wanted to send Sehun shortly forgotten. “Sehun, what is it?”

Sehun, whichever part of London he is across the world, laughed the way Baekhyun would squeal, happiness practically flowing out with his voice. Baekhyun could picture Sehun’s smile and laugh in his head and he only then realized how much he’d missed it. “I’m coming home, Baek. If the flight goes smoothly, I’ll be back by the fifth. I’m coming home.”

Baekhyun could literally feel the smile on his face drop as his mind went round in circles. Chanyeol. Sehun. Coming home. Panic rose at his throat and even though his heart jumped at the happy news, he couldn’t seem to voice out his true feelings, just like he never does before. He silently cursed himself, blinking back the sudden tears that pricked at his eyes. He tried to find the right words to say before Sehun wonders but like always, Baekhyun was too late.

“Baekhyun? Are you happy?” Sehun asked, as if he was afraid of the answer Baekhyun would give him. His voice was soft, like the day he had sounded when he asked why Baekhyun hadn’t visited him in London while he was hospitalized. Baekhyun closed his eyes.

His lips quivered at Sehun’s question and he inhaled deeply, half overwhelmed by happiness and half pulled down by the weight of his guilt. His voice was broken, just like how he feels inside. “I’m so happy, Sehun. I’ll be the first person in Seoul you’ll see.” This time, unlike many times before, Baekhyun was the one who said it first. “I missed you so much, Sehunnie.”

And again, unlike Baekhyun, there was no hesitance in Sehun’s voice when he said it back. “I miss you so much, too, Baekki. I’ll be home soon. I can hold you again.”

“Yeah, you can. I can kiss you again.” Baekhyun says in a half-hearted chuckle, wiping hastily at his eyes. He wondered if he really could kiss Sehun again and he broke even further at the thought that he wouldn’t be able to.

“I made it, Baek. I’m going to be a lawyer and we’re going to build that shop you’ve had your mind and heart on for so long.” Sehun said confidently but the words were laced with a promise he knew Sehun would keep. He nodded as if Sehun could see him and muttered a soft yes so Sehun wouldn’t think he’d hung up. The lines of his drafted message burned and lingered at the back of his head and there was nothing that could possibly explain the pain in his chest.

They bid each other goodbye with a plan to meet at the airport. Baekhyun felt as if he was exposed and he felt so small compared to everything else in this world and so wrong and guilty and just a ing hypocrite. “I love you, Baek. I’ll see you soon.”

Baekhyun was surprised at how fast he responded, never thought he still had it in him. “I love you, too, Sehun. I love you a lot.”

Sehun’s smile could be heard through the line and he wanted to kiss those lips but he’d have to wait for two more days. “I love you more.”

Baekhyun couldn’t argue with that without feeling like a total , not even though he does love Sehun more. His actions had proved him wrong.

“What?! No way! Baekhyun, how could you do this to me?” Chanyeol was pacing the floor of the living room, face scrunched up in an upset frown. He’d gotten up from the couch the moment Baekhyun asked him, albeit nicely, to leave the apartment. Baekhyun had to tell him that Sehun is coming home and he would have to take his things before Sehun finds out.

Now Baekhyun watched as the red-haired paced, biting at his lower lip at the guilt in his chest. He wasn’t only hurting Sehun but Chanyeol as well. If anyone was to hate him it would only be himself. “I’m sorry, Chanyeol. But he’s coming home and I won’t push him away. I’ve been waiting for him since three years ago.”

“This is bull. You didn’t wait for him or you would be a miserable, crying mess right now. You gave up on him the moment you let me in. Don’t try to deny it, Baek. I thought I told you to break it off?”

Chanyeol had never sounded so pained and Baekhyun only had himself to blame. The boy had stopped pacing in front of him and was looking at him straight in his eyes. It was with great effort that Baekhyun kept the eye contact and not look away. Taking a deep breath, Baekhyun stood up front his sitting position to walk over to Chanyeol, gingerly wrapping his arms around the taller boy and resting his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder. He felt so confused and he didn’t know whether he should leave Chanyeol and continue what he used to have with Sehun. There was a part of him that wants to stay with the boy he was embracing yet a bigger part of him wishes for Sehun to be here already so he would no longer be tortured with the guilt he’s brought onto himself.

He stood there with his arms around Chanyeol for about five minutes and what broke his heart wasn’t the fact that Chanyeol wasn’t hugging him back, but because he couldn’t seem to let go of what he should be letting go of. He was afraid of something he couldn’t quite put his finger on when Chanyeol’s words left his mouth and into Baekhyun’s ear. “Do you even love me, Baek?”

It was because he took almost six seconds trying to figure out his answer that Chanyeol made his own assumption. The red haired giant pushed him off of him gently, looking beyond upset before he quietly goes off to the room they’d been sharing for the past two and a half years and began packing up all of his belongings into a bag. Baekhyun closed his eyes and fisted his hands at his sides. He was silent as Chanyeol ruffled around in the room, grabbing every one of his clothes that could be scattered around the room. He was still silent as Chanyeol walked out the door.

He couldn’t say the three words to Chanyeol, because he find that he could only mean it if he was saying it to Sehun.

Incheon Airport was bigger than he remembered. Everything else was familiar, like something he had known all his life but had been apart from for quite a while. The air was fresh in his lungs as he breathed in, smiling widely at everything he sees while he walks towards where he could see Tao’s parents are. He gave them a wave and nudged at his friend, telling him that his parents were already there waiting for him. The said boy cheered and dashed towards Mr. and Mrs. Huang, dragging his luggage along with him and forgetting Sehun altogether. Sehun didn’t mind; he was too happy to be bothered. The Huang family bid him goodbye after he refused to join them for dinner and he stayed rooted on his spot as his eyes scanned the airport.

He looks for a certain brunette with perfect lips and almost flawless skin. There was an excitement in his chest that he couldn’t really explain, like finally being able to hold his whole world again after so long. The past three years had passed by so slowly and it was hurting him more than he liked. It was finally over, though, and now he could once again see the boy he’d left home here in Seoul. The happiness filled him up to his cores, close enough to bring him to tears of joy. The luggage he pulled was the same one he had dropped the day he left Seoul when he went to wrap his arms around the boy he called his life before saying goodbye.

Sehun fished out his cell phone to see if Baekhyun had left any messages and he frowned when he saw that there was none. Biting down onto his lower lip, Sehun kept himself from chewing on it; it was already red enough after having been abused with his teeth through the whole flight. The few seconds of waiting turned into minutes and by then his lip was once again red and almost swollen from his chewing and he bit onto the edges of his used flight ticket instead. It was only half an hour later that Sehun decided he should give Baekhyun a call, in case his boyfriend had forgotten that he was coming home today. Ignoring the slight crack in his heart, Sehun smiled to reassure himself, speed-dialing Baekhyun and waited for his lover to answer the call.

He didn’t have to wait for Baekhyun to answer, though, because by the third ring, his eyes spotted a familiar figure of a boy clad in red Supreme hoodie, black snapback covering his dark locks of hair and ripped jeans hugging his slightly fleshy thighs perfectly. The sight of it alone was like an ecstasy to Sehun, almost as if he hadn’t had his high since forever and only managed to get a whiff of it just by seeing Baekhyun rushing towards him. There was a grin on Baekhyun’s perfect face as he almost ran with quick, hurried steps, closing the distance between them. Sehun’s cheeks were beginning to hurt. He concluded a second later that it was because he was smiling so wide and he hadn’t smiled like this for the past three long years.

As impatient as he’d always been, Baekhyun jumped into Sehun’s welcoming arms, wrapping his own tightly around Sehun’s waist. The scent of vanilla and a hint of apple hits Sehun like waves of heavenly water, truly realizing how much he had missed holding Baekhyun like this and being able to surround himself with peaceful fragrance. Baekhyun’s arms around him were tight