It was early, too early for the doctors and nurses to be running around. And to her surprise, they were hurrying towards the direction she was headed to, entering the room she was about to walk into. The nameplate that read Zhang Yixing, Lay’s real name, the room that said 522 meant she was in the right place. But why were people in such a hurry, why was she hearing a scream; his screams.

Yoon Ji stood there in front of Lay’s open door, motionless with eyes wide enough to see everything. He was in pain, in too much pain that he was already twisting and curled to cocoon himself from the pain. The pillows of his hospital bed were on the floor, the bed sheet crumpled up because of his writhing feet. And it frightened her, her eyes growing watery from the blood on the floor and had his hospital wear stained with it through his bloody hands. Lay gritted his teeth through tensed jaws from the unbearable pain, his mouth red from all the blood. He’s coughing up blood?

Thump.

Her heart clenched as she took one step after the other, walking towards him, towards the doctors and nurses that tried to calm him down. It was there again, the feeling of her heart being pricked and constricted and she clenched on her chest because maybe it would stop. Yoon Ji wanted to help ease his pain but she didn’t know how when she was hurting as well, maybe more than the pain Lay felt. No, it wasn’t only because of her weak her, it was also because she sees how much he was suffering.

Lay had his eyes shot open the moment he heard her weak, trembling voice starting to approach. “Lay,” she cried.

No, no, he thought as she stood there pleading his name. Yoon Ji can’t see him like this. He promise he’d tell, not let her find out. She won’t be able to handle this, her heart wouldn’t be able to handle this. “Get out,” he mumbled through clenched teeth.

She clenched onto her chest tighter feeling the pain with every heartbeat. “I’m not going to—“

“I said get out!” He screamed, making her flinch. “Get her out!”

“No, Lay, let me—“

“I’m sorry ma’am, but it would be best if you stay out of the room for a while.” A nurse gently pushed her out of the room, “I’ll have the doctor talk to you after,” and had the door closed behind her.

And all Yoon Ji could do was shut her eyes with so much force as she tightened the grip on her chest with every scream she hears from Lay’s mouth. She leaned against the wall for support, allowing herself to slide down as she hugged her knees like it was her lifeline.

She was confused again, too many questions were running in her head like how she questioned her condition when she was a child. What was happening to Lay? Why was he in so much pain? Why didn’t he tell her anything, something?

“Are you the patient’s girlfriend?” a voice uttered from behind her startling her.

After what felt like hours, finally, there was the doctor. Yoon Ji stood up eagerly and wiped her tear-stained face, “I am. Can you please tell me what happened?”

“I’m sorry for how he acted, it was part of the side effects of his illness; mood swings and tantrums.” He smiled at her, “everything’s okay now. I called in his parents and we gave him the medication he needs to stop the hurting. He’s weak right now, but his condition will better in a few day’s rest.”

“What,” she felt so stupid, clueless for asking, “is his illness? Why was he in so much pain?”

“Oh, he didn’t tell you?” The doctor scrunched his forehead with a sigh, “that stubborn kid.” He gave her a look she hated the most; the pity in his eyes made her stomach turn. “He has stage 4 lung cancer. And even though they’ve detected it much earlier, I believe the cancer cells spread much too fast.” He sighed, “he wasn’t able to go under surgery beforehand because of his haemophilia, and chemotherapy won’t work because of how weak his body’s becoming. It would be too much of a risk to have him under any kind of therapy because of his body’s slow recovery.”

All she could do now was hide behind her hands and stand there in front of the doctor as she cried. Yoon Ji knows how pathetic she looked right now, she knew how helpless she was. And she hated herself because she couldn’t even handle situations like these, her heart couldn’t handle situations like this as her breathing hitched.

“Do you need anything?” the doctor asked with concern.

“No,” she shook her head as she tried to calm herself down. “I’ll be okay, thank you for your concern.”

He smiled at her, “you could go in whenever you’re ready. He needs all the moral support he can get.”

Yoon Ji ran her hand through her slightly damp hair when the doctor and nurses left. She wiped away the remaining stain of tears on her cheeks, her red, puffy eyes still giving away how much she cried. She popped in an internal pill she brought with her to stable herself from her weak condition; nothing was worse than drinking a bitter medicine without water.

She poked her head through the door and the first thing she saw made her heart fall flat on her feet; Lay was half awake, weak as the oxygen mask over his face gave him support to breathe. His chest pumped up and down faster than his normal breathing, making it noticeable how much he was gasping for air Probably because of how strenuous the pain he felt was, or probably because he was really having a hard time breathing because of his condition.

“Hi,” she smiled gently at him the moment she reached his bedside. She sat down on that little space on his bed and she was only able to clearly look at the changes his body has gone through since the first time they met; cheeks becoming hollow, every feature becoming defined because of his weight loss. Yoon Ji brushed away the fringe on his sweat-damp forehead. “You still look handsome,” she chuckled.

Lay smiled weakly at her, his hand reaching for hers. “Do you… believe in angels?” his voice was hoarse, muffled due to the mask but audible enough for Yoon Ji to hear as he breathe deeply between phrases. “Do you… think heaven exists?”

She nodded, the lump on making her unable to speak. Yoon Ji can’t cry in front of him, she needs to be strong now; for them, for him.

“At first,” he took a puff of the oxygen supporting him, “I thought… heaven doesn’t exist because… God was too cruel to me. He… gave me an illness I… didn’t even… deserve.” He chuckled faintly, “a… hereditary lung… cancer and haemophilia… I guess I was… born to… die.”

Tear started falling down on both of their cheeks. Yoon Ji had to look down because she was unable to hold back her tears, having Lay’s hand in between hers as she gave it a tight squeeze.

“But… I think… he pitied me. Because… he sent… one of his… angels to… be with me.” His eyes closed making the tears that build up in his eyes stream down his face, “everyday… I find it hard to… believe that I’m… still alive because… I see you. I see… an angel… guiding me. And I’m… asking her right… now to forgive me… for not telling her… the illness I… have.”

The familiar sound of the oxygen being pumped made her frustrated, anxious to find a way and save him. But at the back of her mind, Yoon Ji knew how helpless she was. She shook her head, “there’s nothing to be sorry about,” because she knew how scared Lay might have been when he found out about everything. “I should be the one apologizing,” she looked at him as her hand cupped his face, “I wasn’t there for you when you’re in pain.”

He took another puff, “because… I know… I’ll hurt you. Your heart… will hurt. I… don’t want… that.”

“It will hurt,” she won’t deny that, “but that’s because I love you so much that whatever you feel, I’d feel. My heart’s not good, but it’s better when I’m with you,” she smiled.

“Then can I… be selfish… and make you… stay?”

He wasn’t being selfish because Yoon Ji would want nothing more than to be by his side in every step of the way. “I’ll be here; always, all ways,” she leaned in to plant a chaste kiss on his forehead.

“Is he doing okay now?” Hana asked as she linked arms with Yoon Ji.

She nodded, “but he still has to stay in the hospital so that his doctor can keep a close eye on him.”

Hana smiled at her, “that’s good then! Now,” she pulled her, “let’s go buy what you need.”

Yoon Ji dragged Hana along with her one weekend morning. She asked her to help with buying the things she would be needing from the market. Cooking for Lay and bringing some fruits were the least she could for Lay aside from being there for him; she wanted to be the one to attend to the things he need.

The food-buying was quicker than expected. Hana went with Yoon Ji to their house to help her with preparing the food. Yoon Ji told Hana everything; she knows anything that had to do with Yoon Ji because she was one of the few people whom Yoon Ji wanted to keep close. Hana was glad that her best friend tried to open up and have herself experience love, but the world’s too cruel to them to make it a happy ending.

Yoon Ji went straight to the hospital after finishing the food she prepared for Lay, and Hana was kind enough to drop her off. “I won’t go in since I still have some homeworks I need to finish,” she lied, not wanting to interfere with their moment. “I’ll message you when I get home.”

“Thank you so much for today,” Yoon Ji smiled shyly at her best friend.

“Glad to be of help,” she said with sincerity.

Yoon Ji walked in the hospital halls as she felt her phone vibrating.

Lay (07/10/13 – 04:23PM): I’ll be at the garden~

She smiled at the message and hurriedly went to where her boyfriend was. By the time she got there, Lay was seated at their usual spot with his catheter beside him; the bench where they first met, staring at the tree that shadowed over him. She sat down beside him, carefully placing down the bag of food she prepared.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” She asked, both of their eyes fixated on looking at the tree.

He sighed a laugh, “it gives you hope even if you’re not supposed to have one.”

Yoon Ji smiled to herself because it was true. The area also gave her the hope she didn’t need to have when everything else was bound to end. “But it’s okay to hope for us, right?”

Lay held Yoon Ji’s hand in between his and brought it up to his lips, planting a kiss on the back of her hand. He had it rested on his lap, caressing it to give her assurance and comfort. “Of course. Because what we have will last even if we’re on borrowed time.”

Yoon Ji’s eyes languidly opened as the sun eagerly greeted her with its light. Some nights she would accompany him because she really wanted to take care of him. Lay was lying on his side as he held onto her hand while she used her other arm as pillow when she slept at his bedside. A smile tugged the corners of her lips as she watched him sleep. Seeing him so relaxed, so peaceful, made her heart feel content. These past few days had been difficult for the both of them; Lay’s mood swings would often send her out of his room or have them arguing about something because of how easy it was for him to get irritated. But she didn’t mind, because it was still the person whom she loves most.

She had her hand lifted to brush away the fringe on his forehead. She giggled quietly when Lay’s brow creased as a given reaction. Yoon Ji’s index finger glided over his pointed nose, to the hollow of his cheeks, to the mark of his deeply-embedded dimple, to his jaw line until she had her hand go under his chin only for her thumb to land on his soft, dry lips. Despite what the both of them are going through, she could never not love him, not even one second.

Yoon Ji felt Lay exhale heavily, a smirk forming on his lips, “enjoying the view?” Her cheeks turned scarlet the moment Lay’s eyes fluttered open, their faces a few inch apart. Yoon Ji withdrew her hand from his grip and from his face to have her head tucked under both of her arms. Her heart was beating frantically because she had never felt so embarrassed before. He chuckled, his voice hoarse, “I enjoyed watching you sleep, too.”

She peeked through her arms as his hand landed on her head to caress her hair, “you’ve been awake?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

Yoon Ji’s head shot up with his statement, “is it hurting somewhere? Are you okay? Should I call the doctor?” Lay turned to lie flat on his back and sighed a smile. He found it cute whenever Yoon Ji would worry about him. “Tell me,” she pleaded.

“I’d miss that.” Yoon Ji just sat there motionless at what he blurted out. “I’d miss how much you’d worry about me. I’d miss how you smile at me and how I find your laugh music to my ears. And there’s a lot more I’d miss.” The lump on his throat had him close his eyes to try and fight back the tears. He wanted to tell her everything before it was too late. He was afraid to die he won’t deny that, but he was more afraid to leave her. “I’m scared, Yoon Ji,” he admitted, “but I’m more afraid of leaving you behind with nothing but pain.” His tears started to fall, “I still want to do a lot of things with you. There are too many thoughts, dreams, running through my head every night but I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything but just wait for the day I die.” Lay started to let out quiet sobs as Yoon Ji sat beside him taking him into her arms.

“I’m here, we’ll get through this,” she pulled him closer, tears streaming down her own face as she endured both the pain her heart was giving her and the pain of not being able to help the person you love most.

Yoon Ji would visit him often after school, having to foretelling plausible scenarios after both of them becomes healthy again. It was a sad habit, but it made them happy to dream of things they’ll do together because over and over again would they find themselves being afraid of losing the other that the only escape they have was to hold onto intangible things like daydreams, hope, faith and strength. And because love was already present, they live each moment to have more of it before losing it.

On weekends she would come early for check-ups to have more time spent with Lay later in the afternoon until both of them were too tired to open their eyes. Their family didn’t mind, because as long as both of them were happy, it also meant that they’re giving themselves a chance to live.

Almost all the time she visits him on a weekend would she see Lay waking up by the greeting of the sun. His eyes would flutter open, the sunlight kissing his beautiful, pale face and his features more evident. He didn’t need to tell her what he felt because his expression gave it away, because Yoon Ji had been there way too many times for her to count; he was feeling and living the miserable life he started to have.