Yoon Ji was called in to her doctor’s clinic together with her parents. Luckily, she could sneak out of Lay’s room while he was asleep. Crying for an hour wasn’t a joke and being afraid of the uncertainty of life wasn’t easily. He deserves a good rest, a proper one out of the many nights with horrid thoughts that kept him up.

The doctor smiled, “I’m happy to say we’ve found a donor. Although,” he continued, “it would take months for things to get done before we could go under a heart transplant.”

Smiles grew wide on both Yoon Ji’s parents while she didn’t know what to feel. Of course she was happy, but why was she given another chance to live while Lay didn’t? Deep down she knew she was ready and that she already accepted the fact that she’s nowhere near surviving. How were they able to find a compatible heart donor? If this miracle could happen, maybe something alike could happen to Lay as well.

“Honey, aren’t you happy?” Yoon Ji’s mom asked, pulling her back to reality.

She looked at her like she was lost in space, eyes glassy as tears threat to fall anytime. “Mom, the same miracle could happen to Lay, right?” It was more of a plea than a question because she wanted her to agree, to tell her that there’s still hope. Tears rolled on her cheeks, “tell me there’s still something we could do for Lay. Mom, please,”

Both arms of her parents wrapped her in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry honey,” was all they could tell her as she cried her heart out.

It took her a while to pull herself together, an ice pack had her puffy eyes go back to normal before she could return to Lay’s room. It was difficult to stop herself from crying even though she couldn’t cry anymore. Yoon Ji didn’t know what to feel anymore; everything was too much for her to accept, to absorb. But the moment she sees Lay seated on the side of his bed, in front the window with a smile on his face, everything she was worrying about faded.

“Is it okay for you to be sitting up like that?” She smiled walking towards him. “I’ve got news,” she clenched her fists tight, nails digging in her palm, “I’ve got a donor.”

She heard him smile, “that’s wonderful.”

“And maybe we could find a way for you to get better as well. Do you remember the time when we talked nonstop about the things we wanted to do together?” She was feeling hopeful again, “we can do that now and I’ll find a way to make you better.” And just like that he had her feeling nothing more than confused again. “I’m leaving for America tonight,” he knew she was clueless, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her sooner because he didn’t want that to bother her.

She stopped a few inches away from his bed. “Why so s-sudden?” she stuttered, “would it be okay for you to travel?”

He chuckled, “afraid to have me far away from you?” The moment he turned around, his eyes widen in shock seeing Yoon Ji crying with her hands balled on either side of her. She cried because she was so afraid of losing him and now he’s going away. He sighed a smile, “hug me?” She then walked towards him and sat on his bed, her arms around his waist as she rested her cheeks on his back. “Do you know why I’m going there?” he held onto her hands caressing it. Yoon Ji shook her head in response. “I’d go there to be with you,” he smiled, his voice cranking. “I’d go there to get better, to get help.” His lips quivered as he held back his sobs, “but I’d miss you so much. I would miss being hugged and hugging you like this. I’d miss your comforting voice, I’d miss everything about you and about us; I’d miss my angel.”

“But if it would make you better, I don’t mind. I’d bear it, I’d wait until I see you again,” it wasn’t a lie but it made her heart clench. Yoon Ji wants to be there for him; to aid him when he’s hurting and to make him happy when he’s feeling down.

Lay broke the hug as he repositioned himself to face her, his legs crossed in front of him. “You wouldn’t hate me for it, right?” he cupped her face wiping away the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Her hand held tightly on the hem of his hospital shirt because she needed support for the time being because at Yoon Ji knows that at some point she needed to be strong for the both of them without any help.

She shook her head and smiled, “why would I? I can’t hate you; not for one second could I ever hate you.” That statement alone could’ve made Lay change his mind, but he knew better.

He smiled, and that alone could’ve made her hold onto him tighter. He leaned in with eyes closed as he planted a kiss on her forehead, “my angel.” Lay had another kiss land on the tip of her nose, “my all.” He moved to her right cheek to give it a peck, “my love,” and onto her left cheek, “my life.” His nose brushed onto hers as his thumb drew patterns on her cheeks, “I love you,” he whispered before leaning in to kiss her. Yoon Ji had her hands cup his face to pull him closer if it was even possible; his lips were soft on hers, gentle. “Always, all ways,” he said as he pulled away, resting his forehead on hers only to look at her eyes with nothing but love reflecting it.

August and September passed by in the blink of an eye. The weather was cool and dry, but still, it was pleasantly warm and sunny. But to her it was a dead month; it was like the years she’d gone through before she met Lay. Communication for them was hard because Lay would only send in a mail or two and Yoon Ji completely understood why. Nonetheless, there’s still a big part of her that wanted to stay beside him.

October and November came like the seconds on a clock, tic-toking through days. The leaves were changing colours as it falls from a tree one after the other just to have it crushed and crackle under a human’s foot. There were crisp, sweet apples along with the unique Korean pear, huge purple grapes and the fragrance of roasting chestnuts and gingko nuts on the streets and in the markets. Her family would buy a lot, making her healthy. But how badly did she wish to have him by his side to eat these with him. And she misses him a lot, worrying since he hasn’t been emailing her for the in these months.

December came and a few days after her incomplete Christmas celebration, she felt nonchalant about the doctor’s news. “You can go under surgery by next week,” he smiled at them. “We’ll call you in for the schedule.”

“Would it be okay for us to know who the donor is?” Yoon Ji’s mom asked expectant. “So that we could thank the family of the diseased.”

“I’m sorry Mrs. Jung,” the doctor sighed, “the family refused to be given a name to. But we’ll send them your regards.”

A week passed and Yoon Ji had herself lying on an operating table, her eyelids heavy and her body weak due to the morphine. She felt timid, too lazy to even realize that she was going to live a longer life with him. The dream of holding his hand as they strolled along streets to go for movie and dinner dates, or to watch the concerts of their favourite bands. To see the sun rise and set at the beach with their toes playing with the sand. Their dream to have a family dinner during thanksgiving. The dream to hold her close and have him kiss her under the mistletoe, and the day he’d have another year be spent with her. She couldn’t feel anything, but she knew she was crying because he meant more to him than both of them ever knew. And God knows how much she misses him, how much she wanted him to be the first person he sees after the operation. But the moment she was about to close her eyes, Yoon Ji was sure she heard Lay. Maybe she was having hallucinations, or maybe it was the doctor who spoke to him, but she was sure that no one else knew about their promise but the both of them. “I’ll be here; always, all ways.”

January has passed and Yoon Ji laid in bed. She always looked at the window, seeing the same sky, the same view. So this is how he really felt, she thought to herself after yet again being reminded of Lay. She was eager to get well and have herself go inside a plane and take him back home, but she needed at least three months to recover from the surgery.

February was dreadful. Love songs everywhere, bouquet of roses and chocolates for girlfriends and mothers, even grandmothers, who stayed in the hospital. How she wished to receive even a post card from her lover, but she knew better to get angry because maybe he was already recovering like her. Yoon Ji asked her mom to send an email to Lay on white Valentines, to tell him everything that was happening to her and how she was recuperating, to tell him how much she loved him and that he was waiting for him. And always in all ways would the thought of Lay make her happy.

March it was when the doctor said she could go home. They told her that it was amazing her body was able to recover quickly from the operation because even though she had a weak heart, she had a strong body. And that might have been the reason why everything that had to do with hospitals and medications were easy for her.

It was already April; 9 months without him and the month she’s able to go to school again. The doctor allowed it seeing that Yoon Ji was already capable of taking care of herself. Although they still reminded her not to do strenuous activities. It was somewhere between the first and second quarter of spring semester that she was able to see familiar faces. The principal was kind enough to accept her late enrolment due to her circumstances. And the day went by like the usual; her thoughts still lingering of her longing for him.

“Honey, you have a mail,” her mom welcomed her with a box in hand. “I came to the hospital today to get some of your medicines and the doctor gave this to me saying it was from your donor.” She smiled, “I’ll just be in the kitchen if you need anything.”

She took it from her with great hesitation but later on sat on the sofa to open it careful. It wrote fragile on the small box. Yoon Ji had the box tilted and from it fell out a CD, some pieces of paper folded together neatly and a fake, red tulip flower. Miss You, it says on the cover.

She was muddled as to why her donor would give her a letter. But as she read along, deeper and deeper was her heart caving in. Yoon Ji found herself gasping for air and clenching on her heart the moment she finished the letter and have herself listening to the CD he gave. No, it wasn’t because her heart was failing her again. It was because crying was the only way to relieve herself of the pain even though she knew well enough that never would she forget this kind of hurting. Fate was cruel, and it had its way of telling her how much he actually meant to her.

To my donee,

                You’re probably confused right now as to why you received a letter when you already have my heart. Well, to have you know, I wrote this a couple months back when I still had the strength to do it. And as for my gifts from the occasions I’ve missed the last few months, let this CD tell you how much I wanted to make up for it. I composed it myself, so I hope you like it.

                Do you remember the day we met at that damned place’s solace? It was funny because I couldn’t get you out of my mind after that meeting. You might have found me weird to be able to recognize you the second time we met under the starry, winter sky. It was dark, and the area was dim-lighted, but your features were just too distinct for me to forget. I wanted to be the one who’ll protect you from everything that could possibly hurt you. Do you remember the times I got frustrated with you because of the joke you’ve gone used to? It was because I was afraid of losing you; I didn’t want to lose you. Then again, I knew you were scared, just like how I was when I found out about my incurable illness. But that fear turned into hopes; hoping, begging for the seconds to go slower so that I could spend longer moments with you. I’m sorry to have been so selfish, wanting you to be mine and keeping everything from you. I’m sorry you had to see me at my weakest and endure the pain your heart’s giving you. I’m sorry because I made you promise to be with me and to love me until the end because right now, as you’re reading this letter, I’m putting you in so much pain. I’m sorry I missed thanksgiving and eating with your family. I’m sorry I missed Christmas to kiss you under the mistletoe. I’m sorry I missed welcoming the New Year with you. I’m sorry I’m not able to give you flowers during Valentine’s Day (I hope this red tulip can somehow make up for it?) and the honour of receiving one from you on white Valentine’s. And I’m sorry for not being able to celebrate our monthsaries with you—I’m sorry I couldn’t make it for our anniversary. But I’ll have you know that I’d never apologize for the days when I made you smile. I wouldn’t apologize for the days I’ve held you in my arms and kept you close. I won’t apologize for taking care of you and wanting to protect you and I’ll never apologize for the days I’ve loved and told you I how much love you. Because those were the days that kept me alive even though everything inside me wanted to die.

                There were times when we dreamed of things we’ll do together when everything was better for the both of us. We foresaw plausible scenarios like holding your hand as we walk along streets to go for movie and dinner dates, or to watch the concerts of our favourite bands. To see the sun rise and set at the beach with our toes digging in the sand. To be able to have our family together and eat dinner during thanksgiving. To pull you in so close that there’s no more space and kiss you underneath the mistletoe, and to be able to spend another year with you as we welcome a new year. But there were some dreams I could bring myself to tell you. I knew you wouldn’t find it silly, but I was too afraid that it would make me back out from what I’ve already decided. The times I watched you sleep and the moments I’ve held you close where the ones I treasure the most. Because they had me dreaming of wanting to spend my entire life with you. To be able to call you my wife, Mrs. Zhang Yixing, and have your beautiful face be the first and last thing I see every day. To be able to have little Lay’s and little Yoon Ji’s running inside the house, their laughter echoing around us as we spend our family day at home. I didn’t want to tell you because I’ve already made you hope so much that right now, you’re probably hating me. But I hope you won’t, because I wouldn’t be able to bear you hating me.

                I didn’t go to America and I’m sorry I had to lie to. I had my parents take me home and bring me to a different hospital. Before I left, the doctors told me I only had a couple of months to live. The disease was eating up my organs faster than they should have. But it was weird because they told me how strong my heart was. It wasn’t damaged and it was working well for someone who has cancer. I had my doctor check if I could be a possible heart donor and the results came out positive. I asked him to look up for your case and as it turns out, I’m a matching donor. I wanted to get better, but it wasn't enough to overpower the need to give you a second in life; you had a better chance at surviving and I wanted to give you that. But somehow, I hated myself for it. Because while I couldn’t bear the thought of having you go through pain, in the end, I’ll still be the one who’s going to hurt you most.

                When I wasn’t with you, in the minutes that passed by when I thought of you, I held the urge to run to you and hold you in my arms. I miss you; I miss your smile, your voice, your hands in mine, your warm hugs and soft kisses. Just one last goodbye, I’d find myself thinking every day. But I couldn’t, because I wouldn’t be able to keep my promise then. You still remember that, right? And in our current situation, I believe I’ve become your angel. Because I can really protect you now, I’ll be able to watch over you. I’ll be here with you; always, all ways, my Yoon Ji. Take care of my heart as you have taken care of it.

I love you. Always, in all ways.

Your donor