He couldn’t count the months that has passed of going in and out of the hospital, being admitted and being discharged as the doctors kept a close eyes on him with tests and their results. Was it 4? Or maybe it was 5, he wasn’t sure but the summer heat made him aware that it’s been too long and he grew to despise it; the well-known smell of hospitals, the white-painted walls, and the dreadful silence.

His fists balled up inside his pocket, shaking because of too much force. He didn’t want to be here with his parents, Lay didn’t want to hear what the doctor has to say.

“Since he can’t go through therapy or operation because of his haemophilia, there’s nothing more we could do but to try and prolong his good health with medication.” The doctor shook his head, “also, I’m sorry but I believe—“

Lay stormed out of the room even before the doctor could finish what he was going to say. Who would want anyone to hear that they’re going to die? They wanted to prolong his good health, or his agony? He scoffed at Yoon Ji’s words from before, “life has its way of throwing a huge brick at me.” Life definitely has its way of putting you down.

“Lay!” A familiar voice called out.

He turned around, a smile creeping up his lips, “Yoon Ji.”

It has been months since he met her, months since he made her promise and months since he grew fond of her. He didn’t know why whenever Yoon Ji tells him stories, it felt like she didn’t have too many friends to rely on when it was easy warming up to her— both of them grew warm towards each other easily. Maybe because it was the fact that Yoon Ji told Lay that he was her first friend, but it wasn’t hard to befriend her in the first place. Well, at least to him it wasn’t; it was too easy that he’s gone afraid people can effortlessly hurt her. Because truth be told, he wanted nothing more than to protect her, to be there for her. He wanted to be the one to save her.

Lay found her more than attractive; she was beautiful, and it was still an understatement because the word reflected her inside and out. How she worries about the people around her, how she appreciates the little things and how she wanted people happy even though she doesn’t know how to get rid of her own depressing thoughts.

She smiled, an act that made Lay’s heart flutter a bit. “You told me last week that you had a schedule today but you weren’t in the garden, so I came to find you.”

“I’m sorry,” he shyly smiled, his voice hoarse evident after a cough. It was a weekend, and they would always meet somewhere in this damned place. May it be plain coincidence or planned, still, both of them loved seeing the other. He coughed, “the doctor just called us in for the results,” he added.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he assured her, “everything’s okay.” He didn’t want to lie, but it came out more naturally than it should. But he didn’t want her to worry. She didn’t need to know, right? He convinced himself that she need not to have her think of him when she was already suffering. Because even though Lay wanted to look after her, he knows well enough that he could also hurt her. “The doctor called you in early too, didn’t he?” he smiled, trying to divert her attention from asking anymore questions. “How was it?”

“It was okay.” She smiled, “same as usual, to check if my heart would stop beating any second now,” she shrugged. Yoon Ji was used to telling that joke to the people around her, getting gentle smiles with eyes that showed nothing but pity. And she hated it; she hated that fact that people pitied her because she was dying. She hated how people do nothing but to keep a close eye on her, like waiting for the day she would die. But the reaction she gets from Lay always beg to differ.

“I don’t like that,” he creased his brows. “You know I don’t like that.”

She sighed heavily, “I’m sorry,” she smiled. “It’s just a joke I’ve gone used to telling.”

His expression softened. Lay walked towards her to ruffle her hair, “come on, let’s go to the garden,” he smiled.

Aside from each other, the garden was their own little haven because despite the other patients in there, despite the fact that this was the only area in the hospital that felt so alive, it was their own little world— a place of which they didn’t have to pretend they were okay.

Both of them had their eyes fixed on the tree in the middle of the garden, light refracting through its green leaves as it danced to the light blow of the wind. The flowers surrounding it made it more alive; their colours complementing each other’s dainty, the sun adding an illusion to the droplets of water on their petals.

“I’m scared,” she breathed, breaking the silence that grew rather comfortable between them, hands so close but no one dared to make a move.

He looked at her, his eyes watching Yoon Ji attentively. “What are you afraid of?”

“Dying,” she almost choked. She watched her feet dangle on the ground and shivered at the thought, the sudden light headedness and the sickening feeling in her guts didn’t help make her feel better. “I’d be turning 20 in 2 months,” she felt the lump in , quiet sobs wanting to escape. “I only have 2 years left,” and being scared was an understatement because seconds ticked by too fast for her to catch up. Her chuckle was lifeless, too timid to be real, “I have a bucket list, actually. You know, things I want to do before my heart gives up on me. I wrote a lot.” She looked up at him dreamily, smiling, “I wanted to travel and have an adventure of a lifetime— trekking, cliff diving, underwater adventures and the likes, because I see how happy people are in the pictures when they do that,” her smile fell as her eyes then again fixated down at her feet, “but too bad for me because those activities are too strenuous for my weak heart.”

Lay didn’t know how Yoon Ji would react at the gesture, but he had his hand placed over hers giving it a tight squeeze. He saw her from the corner of his eyes, looking at him surprised as he focused his attention on their now intertwined hands. “I told you I’d help you get through this.” He smiled to himself because he found it too soon for him to adore her, but too late for them to start something for themselves. “And by helping you, I meant that in every way possible and that includes making you happy. Always, all ways,” he smiled at her, hoping she wouldn’t find it too soon or too late.

Yoon Ji would be lying to herself if she denied the fact that what she felt about Lay wasn’t more than friendship. She would be lying if she said she didn’t find his eyes mesmerizing, or that he didn’t take her breath away when he smiles at her. Yoon Ji couldn’t deny the fact that out of all the people who called her name, his voice was her favourite.

His hand was soft on hers. It was big, but not too big that it fits perfectly on hers. Yoon Ji responded by locking her hand on his, holding onto it like it was her life. This was something both she wanted and feared— she wanted it because it was Lay who made her feel those butterflies flying endlessly in her stomach when he smiles, and she feared it because she knows she’d leave him soon enough that it would break him. “I’d lie if I told you I’m not frightened of the thought of what would happen next,” she smiled as Lay caressed her thumb with his.

He, too, was afraid of how the progress of this relationship is so uncertain. “But what’s important is that we have it now, right?”

“You’d lose me sooner or later, you know that right?” she had to wake herself up. Maybe slapping both of them in the face would be a wake-up call that this relationship is bound to fail. “I’d leave you broken,”

“And I’d rather be broken than lose the opportunity to be with you,” his brow creased at the thought, like it was the most puzzling decision he ever made even with certain feelings. But he felt weak, hurt, guilty, because how much he wanted her also meant that he was the one who’ll be shattering her effortlessly. He promise he’d tell her, but not now, not when she’s so afraid of losing her own fight.

Neither of them needed to say what they felt because they weren’t oblivious of it; the way they smile upon seeing each other, the way they exchanged glances, how they craved seeing each other again— it need not an explanation.

Fear wouldn’t get her anywhere, because fear was nothing more than a hindrance to have her experience what being happy really meant. Yoon Ji smiled because she knows how he was willing to take the risk with her, “then have me keep you.”

Lay’s eyes shot up to meet her soft expression. His smile was coy, his dimples indenting deeper on his cheeks as he couldn’t hide his happiness. “You would?”

“From now on, I’ll always be here with and for you; always, in all ways,” she giggled because how that phrase rolled off of her tongue felt right that it wanted to tell him that she definitely wanted him as well.

And Yoon Ji could’ve sworn that Lay’s reaction made her fall for him more. His eyes showed of sincerity, a soft smile tugged the corner of his lips, “I’m glad.”

Every day she begged for the seconds to go slower, but in a blink of an eye minutes, hours, days, and weeks have passed; she was turning 20 today. She couldn’t get the fear out of her system because she wanted to do so much more, Yoon Ji wanted to be with Lay for more than what her life has to offer.

Being with him wasn’t difficult, but Yoon Ji had to admit that it wasn’t easy either. Two months of being together wasn’t all throughout that blissful, because nothing about them was perfect. But being imperfect only made what they had stronger. At times they’d have petty arguments, other times it would leave her heart in pain because of how his sweetness always caught her off guard. Both would laugh at how sensitive she was; too much happiness or too much of sadness brought her heart beating the wrong way, making her wince with every prick. But both of them knew that it was more than a laughable thing, because even though Lay wanted to make Yoon Ji feel how much he adores her, he needs to remind himself that she’s fragile.

“I’m almost there,” she said through the phone even before Lay could say anything.

His chuckle had the butterflies in her stomach go berserk, “Okay, I’ll see you then.”

No, it wasn’t their usual meeting at the hospital. God knows how much they don’t want their world to just revolve around that sad place, because they know they deserve better; because they know that they want to remember every moment with each other as if nothing was wrong, as if nothing scares them.

The moment Yoon Ji entered the café, she expected loud chatters and songs being played but the quiet atmosphere proved her wrong. It made her feel warm despite the shadowy illusion made by the only light open on the mini stage, a chair placed behind the microphone stand.

Lay came out with a guitar slung behind him, smiling. In that moment Yoon Ji swore she could’ve fainted. “Pick a seat,” he chortled, pointing at the empty area around him as he owned the space in between the two objects in front. He had the place rented and money was no issue because of how his family supports him.

She giggled, “what are you doing?” She picked the seat right in front of the platform, not wanting to miss any second of every expression he’ll make.

“A little surprise for a very special girl,” he said taking a seat, placing the guitar in front of him with a strum. “Ready?” he smiled as she responded with a nod.

Lay’s hands were shaking, sweating from the nerve-wracking moment. He’s never done anything like this to a girl, heck, he hasn’t even loved a girl this much. But he wanted to make her feel special because she is special. Her heart might be weak, but she was the strongest person he knows. And with every strum of his guitar, he wanted to make her feel that despite everything, she’s perfect in his eyes.

You sit in the bathroom and you paint your toes. I sit on the bed right now and I sing you a song. It's not always easy, but somehow our love stays strong. If I can make you happy, then this is where I belong,

As he sings the song, he wanted every word to mean things he couldn’t easily tell her because he was still too shy, too afraid that what he wanted would overpower what’s most important.

And I'd just like to say, I thank God that you're here with me. And I know you too well to say you're perfect, but you'll see, oh my sweet love, you're perfect for me.

“Not really, but I know all your secrets, and you know all of mine. We’ll get there,” he winked as Yoon Ji giggled at the sudden lyric-impromptu.

You're always there to hold me up when I'm losing my mind.

I wish that I was stronger so that I had more to give, I'll share everything I have and we'll find a way to live.

He would beg if he could, to have them live longer together. The lump Lay felt in his throat meant how much he wanted to sob, to whimper because of how cruel the world is to both of them. And seeing Yoon Ji seated there, her eyes already glassy as she looked at him made him lose it for a second, tears running down on both of their face, his shut his eyes close because he was more afraid for her than afraid of losing her. He didn’t know how to tell her even if he wanted to. Lay has no intention of hurting her, but it was too inevitable that sometime soon she would know.

And I'd just like to say, I thank God that you're here with me. And I know you too well to say you're perfect, but you'll see, oh my sweet love, you're perfect for me.

Even after all this time, nothing else I ever find in this whole wide world can shake me like you do. It's true that something so sublime, that there aren't words yet to describe, the beauty of this life I've made with you.

Because even if being with her hasn’t been too long, and both of them were running out of time, every minute with her was nothing but pure contentment.

“And I'd just like to say, I really do thank God that you're here with me. And I know you too well to say you're perfect, but you'll see oh my sweet love you're perfect. Oh my love, I swear you're perfect. Yes I promise, you're perfect for me.”

Yoon Ji had herself crying all throughout the song, huffing for air as she tried to regulate her breathing. There was no pain, no pricking feeling in her heart. She just felt happy, too happy that for the first time her heart didn’t hurt when she accepted every emotion his boyfriend had her feel. Life was still kind that it gave her hope that they can be happy together even after her 22^nd birthday.

She got up from her seat, her legs shaking as she approached him. Yoon Ji was afraid that she would fall anytime, but Lay already had his arms wrapped around her waist to help her up, to pull her in for a hug. She had her arms thrown around his shoulder, his face snuggling on the crook of her neck as his warm breath brushed on her skin. Lay’s ragged breathing told her how much he was crying like her, that both of them were too overwhelmed with both love and fear.

“Promise me that no matter what happens,” he breathed as he hugged her tight, “you’ll still love me, that you’ll still be with me.”

“Always, all ways,” and it was more like a plead than a promise.