It has been a month since I have put the first edition, signed copy of Catallena in Nana’s locker. Since then I might have slipped one or two secret admirer notes into Nana’s locker. I signed all of them as Red Sun. Hopefully Nana thinks of it as sweet and not creepy.

                Right now I’m in math again, letting my mind drift away from whatever the instructor is lecturing about. Honestly I’m thinking about what I’m going to write in my next letter to Nana; I haven’t written her one in about a week.

                My thoughts are interrupted by a paper being placed on my desk in an abnormally aggressive manner. I look at the paper; it’s my graded homework from a few days ago. Then I look up at whoever put in on my desk; It’s Nana who is eyeing me suspiciously with a hand full of more papers. The teacher must have asked her to pass out the gradedhomework. Kay, that’s normal enough. But why is she looking at me like that? Her eyes linger on me a little longer before she walks to the next student.

                What the hell was that all about? She doesn’t have any reason to be eyeing me like that; I haven’t done anything! Unless… could she know? No… There isn’t any way she could know I’m her secret admirer. I sigh. I’m still filled with anxiety. Why had she looked at me like that?

                I’ve just gotten out of my quiz bowl practice and am getting my things out of my locker. I wrote Nana another note during study hall and I have it in hand. I slam my locker shut and almost piss myself when I see Nana; she was standing behind the door. Her hands are on her hips and the expression on her face doesn’t look very happy.

                I gulp and try to talk to her in a steady voice, “He-hello. Uhm… is there something I can… uhm… help you with?” Nope. I sound just as nervous as I feel.

                “Damn right there is. You’re Red Sun, aren’t you?” She’s demands.

                . She knows. But now I have two choices: I could lie, or I could tell her the truth.

                Out of panic I decide to lie, “What? Red Sun?” I try my best to sound confused and innocent.

                “Don’t with me! I know it has to be you. Your writing on your homework and Red Sun’s writing look exactly the same!” Nana almost shouts at me.

                Damn it. Maybe I can still get out of this. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Nana looks flustered and a bit pissed, “Ugh!” She says angrily. Her eyes wander to the folded piece of paper in my hand. …

                Nana snatches the paper out of my hand, “What the hell are you doing!” I yell as I try to grab it away from her.

                Before I can get it she unfolds it and sees that it is in fact a letter to her, signed as Red Sun. A cruel smile spreads across her lips, “not only are you a creepy little lesbian, you’re a liar.”

                My heart sinks. … I stare at my feet, fighting tears.

                Nana laughs a little, “what were you expecting? You probably knew I’d figure out it was you eventually. Did you think I’d be flattered and ask you to date me or some like that?”

                I continued to look at my feet. Honestly that was exactly what I was expecting…

                Nana laughs cruelly, “That only happens in stories. I might like to read Catallena but I’m not a dyke like you. Now, I’m sure you don’t want the whole school finding out you’re a lesbo, do you?”

                I shake my head no.

                “I figured. You’ll have to do a few things for me if you don’t want everyone to know.”

                Just then something sparked in my brain, “Why would I do that? I have something against you, too; I know you like reading comics.”

                Nana grinned, “So? Who’s going to believe a little nerd like you over me?”

                Damn, she had me on that one. “Well, what do you want then?”

                Her malicious smile remained on her face, “I want a few things. First every time a new issue of Catallena comes out you’re going to buy it for me. Second, you’re going to be my little chauffer. I’m grounded from my car for a while, so until then you’re going to drive me where ever I need to go whenever I need you to. You’ll have to be discrete though; I don’t want my friend thinking I’m hanging with some nerd.”

                What the hell? I don’t have time to do all that. I have a job, I have friends, I have other things to do besides be Nana’s little . Why did I even like her in the first place?

                “I can’t do that, Nana” I say simply while I keep my head down.

                “Oh? And why is that? Do you want everyone to find out you’re a little lesbo?” She had amusement in her voice.

                “I have a job…” Is all I can manage to say.

                She laughs, “I’ll work around it. Now you’re first assignment is driving me home. I was gonna walk but that.”

                The whole drive is silent save for her giving me directions and asking for my phone number so she can text me when she needs a ride. When she gets out I sigh. I did this to myself. I should have just continued being quiet.

                Two weeks later I’m sitting in my car in the school parking lot waiting for Nana to get out of cheerleading practice. I’ve been taking her to and from school most days, except when she goes to hang out with her friends. She barely talks to me besides giving me the occasional insult to keep me in my place. The whole thing is just so emotionally exhausting and I can’t even remember why I liked her so much in the first place.

                She wordlessly slides into the passenger door of my car. She’s sweaty and wearing nothing but a sports bar and tight shorts. Oh yeah… that’s why I like her.

                She must have noticed me staring, “What the hell are you gawking at, Lezzy?”

                Lezzy. That’s her nickname for me. I hate it.

                Without saying anything I turn on the car and start driving.

                “Hey, I’m not doing the best in math. You’re going to tutor me tomorrow for our test on Friday.” Nana says. It wasn’t a question; it was a demand.

                I sigh, I know better than to fight with her, “Kay. What time and where?”

                “After school at my house. And don’t be getting any funny ideas, Lezzy.”

                “Whatever.” I say. Out of the corner of my eye I see her open to say something back, but she closes it. The rest of the drive is silent as usual.

                I wait for Nana in the parking lot as usual. She normally comes out about 20 minutes after the bell to leave rings. Probably just to make sure no one sees her getting into my car. I dread helping Nana study today, but I guess it’s something that has to be done.

                When Nana finally walks out I drive us to her house then follow her to her room in silence. She motions for me to sit down on her bed and I do; she sits beside me. Her room smells nice. It’s the kind of aroma that’s hard to explain. All I know is that it smells wonderful and sweet.

                “What do you need help with?” I finally say. My voice is emotionless, probably bored sounding.

                Nana rummages through her math folder and points to a set of problems, “I’m having issues doing these.”

                I nod, “Kay. Get each of us out a piece of paper and I’ll show you how to work them.”

                Thankfully Nana learns pretty fast and in ten minutes she seems to have the hang of it.

                “You look like you got it. Can I leave now?” I say. I had managed to keep my bored emotionless voice the whole time.

                Nana looks kind of offended, “You’re that anxious to leave? I thought you’d like spending time with the girl you love.”

Her words along with her cocky tone and smile set me off. I stand up in front of her, “No. A girl I had a crush on. Had because, as it turns out, she is a ing ! I don’t even know what I ever saw in you!” I yell at her and it actually feels really good. I clench my teeth together as I gather up all my things.

Before I walk out the door I take a glance at Nana’s face. She looks genuinely hurt and shocked. Part of me feels bad for hurting her, another part of me feels great because of it. Before I leave I say, “I’ll be around to pick you up at the normal time in the morning.” I slam her door.

As I drive home I feel so good, but at the same time I feel like . The sad look on her face had really hurt me. A face that beautiful shouldn’t have a frown on it… Then again she has treated me like absolute . Oh well, what’s done is done.

The next day I pick her up as usual. Things are abnormally quiet. Usually she says something like, “what’s up Lezzy” or “morning dyke” as she gets in. Today however she is completely silent. I glance at her while we’re at a stop light and she’s just staring out the window. Did I really upset her that much? Or was something else on her mind?

The whole school day I wondered about Nana. In math she still seemed distant. Even as I watch her walk out of school now her head is lowered.

On the drive home I try to start conversation, “How do you think you did on the math test?”

“I think I did okay. Thanks for helping me.” Her voice is monotone; not very reassuring.

It was quiet until half way to her house Nana says, “Hey… I know I haven’t been the nicest to you, but you’ve been really great to me. I mean… you didn’t have to give me that copy of Catallena or write those notes to me, but you did. I want you to know that the notes and everything really did make me feel good. And uh… you don’t have to drive me around anymore. I realize I’ve been a , and I’m sorry. You really don’t deserve to be treated like that. But, I would like it if you still tutored me when I need it.” She gives me a smile that makes my heart flutter. Maybe she isn’t that bad after all.