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“I am Hurting myself with all the Memories that Died…”

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Ever since then everything changed, Jaejoong was never the same again

“He came…Jae…”

You whispered as you saw him walking slowly towards you, white flowers in hand.

They were lilies.

Your favorite. You smiled sadly.

Your breath caught as he came closer and closer his face unreadable as he was just a few steps away from you,

He was so close now that his proximity made your heart soar, only to fall back again when he went past you.

You closed your eyes and ignored the pain,
you turned to him and saw him kneeling on the ground,
body tense, his knuckles white from griping the Bouquet on his hand

*ignore the pain*

You repeated in your head like a mantra .

You gazed at Jaejoong to see him hold his breath as he placed the flowers down.

Pain shooting through his heart as he stared blankly on the cold stone in front of him.

*ignore the pain*

He was wishing so bad, just like he did every night since a year ago, that all of this was just a dream, that he would wake up soon and none of this is happening.

That soon he would walk inside the apartment to see you waiting for him …

...wishing…..

….Praying….

That the name that was written on the black stone wasn’t so familiar to him.

Without control, He felt hot tears making its way down his cheeks, blurring his vision.

The silent tears slowly turned into silent sobs and the next thing he knew, he was weeping pathetically.

*ignore the pain*

Your mind tells you as you see the man you love so much suffer again .

But it was the feelings in your chest that was reigning over you at that moment, telling you to ignore what you’re mind was saying.

“_______”

Jaejoong choked out your name and your barrier broke.

It was the first time in a long time that you heard him call out your name.

The devastated tone in his voice as he said it broke your heart even more and before you knew it you were kneeling beside him with tears on your eyes.

You cried with Him.

“it’s been a year _______” he whispered

“ A year since…You were gone…”

He choked between tears.

“I-I’m sorry…so..sorry I couldn’t…I didn’t get to you…fast enough…”

More tears and you felt your heart breaking all over again.

“it was my fault…I couldn’t save you _____”

There he was, Jaejoong …Your sweet, gentle Jaejoong…

Blaming himself for what happened.

It wasn’t his fault, it was merely an accident.

An accident that cost your life and ironically his sanity…

Then his knuckles tightened on the grass as he began to pond his fist on the opposite side
He started shouting…

“_____-ah!!!!Come back to me!....I’m so sorry…I’m sorry…just…just please…please…”

He howled then his voice lowered as his breathing slowed….

“I love you…so much…”

then he passed out.