DONGHAE POV

 

“He dyed his hair, red,”

I heard him muttered between his heavy sigh, crossing his arms on his chest—obviously showing how pissed off he is.

 

I myself, surprised.

 

Red?

Why is—

 

“He flirted with anyone, most of the girls. I thought it was only for the entertainment, but…” He shrugs. “Hae, where are you, exactly yesterday?”

 

I gulped in anger.

I know I’m at fault.

 

But—

He’s too much.

 

“Hae. Even I, came,”

 

I took a deep, sharp breath to hold every stupid jealousy. “I’m sorry, Siwon ah,”

“I don’t need your apology,” He cut me, “Just spit it out.”

I bit my lower lip; uncomfortably sat on the couch at my own living room, try to avoid his deep stare towards me.

“Aren’t you angry? He’s just like some luckily handsome playboy—“

 

“Stop it,”

 

I’m angry.

 

I’m angry,

 

I’m so mad by everything you’re telling me.

I’m so mad by myself that is unable to be there and just, stop him from being so.

 

I’m so mad.

 

Because I really can’t.

 

“Just tell me where you were,”

 

Is this right?

I know he has every right to know.

 

And he’s back already until he graduates.

 

“For God’s sake, Donghae ah. If you keeps on being like this, I will assume you’re in a not very good place—“

 

“I went with Yoona,”

 

He froze.

“What?”

 

I look elsewhere.

After about five seconds waiting for my reply that I don’t even know what to say, he took a deep breath.

“He looks too attractive, you know,” He murmurs. “I even surprised that you’re not there, looking how every eyes is locked on him, watching every—“

 

“Enough,”

I’m sorry, Yoona.

 

It’s the right time for me to say,

I can’t bear any more jealousy.

 

“She told me to keep this from you,” I sigh in defeat, but willing to tell him so bad it even hurt deep inside.

“Until you’ve stopped from the business you’re into.”

 

“I don’t care.”

He looks at me intently, and from his eyes, I know he can’t be more serious than this.

We’re talking about his cousin.

 

The girl he cares about the most.

 

Well, same as mine.

But this is more complicated.

 

“Please, understand,” I pleaded. “It’s just… She’s sick and—“

“Sick? What kind of illness?”

 

I started to panic.

Oh god, I never prepare myself for this—actually, I never prepared myself for any of little things that’s happening at all.

 

“Why don’t you ask her for yourself?”

“This is serious, Donghae,”

 

Hell I know this is serious. The problem is, I don’t really know how to tell it to you without making any uneasy feelings.

When the fact is—my feelings are always uneasy.

 

I didn’t say any word until it reaches 5 minutes long, and feeling that I couldn’t bear this at all, I started to sigh in defeat.

 

“Leukemia…”

 

I whispered, wishing I didn’t have to say it again in case he doesn’t hear it.

He froze.

“Since when?” his breath is getting unsteady, and I know he’s trying too hard to not stammering in front of me.

 

He must be really shocked.

Just like me, when I first time hear it.

 

As we are all know, she’s a healthy and cheerful girl.

It all happening just too sudden.

 

“Not too long,” I mutter, “Just when you still with your business that Yoona couldn’t contact you.”

“That’s actually not too long,”

 

I just nodded. Just like I’ve said.

I’m unable to think about anything right now, since my mind is a complete mess. This problem doesn’t affect to only Siwon, me, but to Hyukkie.

 

Hyukkie, my love.

I know how he felt.

In fact—no, I don’t know how hurt was he yesterday knowing I’m not coming.

 

And what worries me the most is,

 

We haven’t even met since last Thursday.

 

“Baby, I’m in front of your house,“

‘I’m sleeping. Sorry.’

 

And then the line’s off.

 

Aish. I don’t know what’s happening to him.

He clearly asked me to meet him just after I got home, but when I’m arrived in front of his house, he said that he’s sleeping?

 

It’s not even nighttime yet.

What did I do to make him mad like that?

Well—I know he’s mad, or pissed off.

 

The thing is I don’t know why.

Suddenly, I caught a movement from the figure beside me—Siwon—that makes me snapped out from any of my thoughts.

 

“I’m going to see her,”

I bit my lower lip as I give him a small nod. “Tell her I’m—“

 

“It’s okay. Thanks for telling me. I really have to know or I’ll die,” He said, faking a smile even I know his mind is unbearably messed up.

 

He’s really good hiding his surprise.

I hope Yoona is okay now, since Siwon is going to be with her all the time.

I mean, I know he might be not telling Kibum, but… I’m just guessing that Kibum may be trusting Siwon more than…

 

Hyukkie?

Aish.

 

Such a fail boyfriend I am.

I’m not supposed to say that.

 

But…

What can I do?

After bid Siwon goodbye and walk him towards the door, I lazily entered my room and soon, I already slammed my body on the empty, comfy bed.

 

 I turned my stare at the nightstand.

Should I call him?

 

“He looks too attractive, you know.”

I closed my eyes tightly.

 

You’re mine.

Mine,

 

Mine,

 

Mine.

How dare you flirt to anyone you don’t even know, baby?

While I’m here worrying about you, and thinking about you.

 

Aren’t you thinking about me?

Are you making my absence as a chance for you to be finally free from my possessiveness?

 

No way.

 

Holding my breath, I hurriedly, angrily grabbed my phone and pressed a button, waiting for any voice that’s coming out from it.

Stop it…

 

I’m suffering here.

I just want us to be like before, just like the time when we just settled every quarrel, every misconception we had, when you just hug me, kisses me without bothering any little thing that’s left.

 

I always want us to be like what I’ve dreamed we do.

But always, something always happens.

 

“Hmm?”

I gasped.

 

That short hum, why did I miss it so much? Why did I crave for hear more of that sweet voice so bad?

 

I swear I felt some anger deep down inside.

Where is it now?

“Hyukkie…”

 

Why did I feels like I am the one who is at fault, I am the one who have to beg for his warmth, and will do any little thing to have it all, as long as he’s mine?

 

“Ne, Hae,”

Will I die if I assume that that, is the voice who’s been missing mine, too?

 

“Where are you?” I asked, softly, gently, as if my whole being doesn’t want to scatter him, even for a single bit.

 

I didn’t hear any reply.

Five seconds, six seconds…

 

Then I heard a long, deep breath, along with a soft whisper. “Home, Hae,”

I lied if I say I’m not mad.

I lied if I didn’t admit that I hate how Siwon provoking me, even Kyuhyun message me because he was there, even Sungmin too, even Ryeowook.

I lied if I’m not regretting to be there.

 

I lied if I’m not mad at myself.

 

I lied.

I lied if I said I’m not angry with you, baby.

 

“Can I see you?”

I lied if I said I don’t want to.

 

Just let me not to lie, just let me bury myself in your embrace, letting everything goes on as it is supposed to be, will you?

For exactly a minute, I didn’t hear anything.

 

I only heard your deep breath, as if you really don’t know what to say.

You want to see me, tell me you want to.

 

Tell me you love me.

I am burned with jealousy.

 

I am burned with all the possessiveness that I couldn’t even tolerate anymore.

Answer me.

 

Answer me.

Answer—

 

“I…”

He whispers.

“I didn’t lock the front door.”

 

 

-----===-----===-----

HYUKJAE POV

 

I am supposed to ignore you.

I am supposed to show you how mad I am.

I am supposed to tell you nothing.

 

I am supposed to lie.

 

But I can’t.

Not after you call my name with that sweet, gentle voice that I thought I’ve been missing for ages.

Not after that promising sound that you made, as if you’re telling me nothing is inside your mind except me, me, and me only.

 

Not after you made me forget completely about everything you just done.

I don’t know whose at fault.

 

Is it I, for changing my personalities out of anger towards you?

Is it I, for ignoring you the whole days without informing you anything?

 

Or is it you?

For lying to me?

 

For being too dense?

 

For being too irresistible that I can’t even tell that you’re at fault?

 

I rolled my body on my bed, with no passion at all. Staring at nothing at the corner of the room—but letting my mind out of this entire house.

We didn’t communicate ever since that day when you lied to me.

I am the one who decided that.

 

Because you’re freaking at fault, Hae.

 

You’re supposed to not lie!

You’re supposed to tell me the truth and make me understand WHAT IS IT that I have to trust from you!

 

You told me to trust you.

 

“Trust me,”

You gave me that look—the look that so promising, the looks that I even believe you will give your life for only me.

 

“Hae—“

 

“Didn’t I tell you to trust me?”

 

What is it to trust when you ing lied?

What is it to believe anymore when I fought and struggling so hard to believe you and in the end…

 

You scattered it away…?

 

I sigh silently, staring at the ceiling as I heard a soft knock on the door.

You know this is not the right time to meet.

 

I’m a mess.

I can’t make you happy.

Not after everything.

 

“Hyuk?”

I chuckled bitterly.

 

Should I let you in, after that name you’ve been calling me?

 

I’m a sensitive person.

 

But if it’s about you—I am more than that.

I just stared flat at the door, waiting for it to open because I know, sooner or later, you will open the door to see me.

 

Maybe to see how do I look in this hair.

 

Maybe not to apologizing your lie.

 

I know you are my lover and you don’t deserve any of my bad thoughts because that will broke our relationship,

But…

 

“Hey…”

 

I threw my glance away.

Stop it.

 

You want to see him.

You want him to look for only you.

 

Yeah—that’s right.

Look at me, Hae.

Do I look better with this?

 

Do you still have to look for somebody else?

That is more beautiful, more attractive…

 

Do you…?

I bit my lower lip.

 

Sorry.

Sorry.

 

I’m sorry.

 

I’m really sorry, Hae.

 

“B-baby?”

I can’t hold it.

 

I love you too much.

 

I closed my eyes, didn’t realize anything when I felt something warm wrapped me comfortingly, something that I’ve been longing even only for days, something that I regret I’m not do something to get it back immediately.

 

“Baby, Hyukkie, don’t cry,"

I didn’t even know it until he told me so.

I didn’t even realize I stick my palms on my face to cover it up.

 

I don’t know why.

I just don’t.

He keep on soothing me, my hair just like the way I really love it, kissing my head, transferring every warmth…

 

I want to push you away.

But I’m just clinging to you as if you’re the one who decided how I should live.

 

Am I lying?

I want to shout at you, I want to throw you away from me.

But here I am, whining your name non-stop, choking with my own sorrow of loving you.

 

Am I lying, now?

Do you even care if I lie?

Will you still love me even if I’m a great liar like that?

 

You keep on trying to make me feel relaxed, with your scent lingering around me, and your warmth wrapping tightly on me…

 

I don’t think I am lying.

I’m not lying, Hae.

 

I’m just…

Not honest to myself.

 

---===---

 

“You look so beautiful,”

I can’t hide my blushing face when he just said it; with every single sensation he makes me feel—the soft on my hair, and the comfortable arm that is rounding around my neck.

 

“Mmhm.”

 

You like it, baby?

 

I actually changed my hair color not because of participating in the tournament, and make everyone surprised.

I just want to look better so that Hae will love me more.

 

I felt a soft peck on my cheek, before he lay me on bed completely and let himself be on top of me, stripping me down with those stares.

Aish.

This is so embarrassing.

 

I tried to look another way, but every time I did that, he moved my chin and lifts it, until he managed to catch my gaze.

“Look at me,”

 

I’m looking, Hae.

 

But…

Are you?

 

He leans closer and closer, cupping my cheek gently until I’m afraid he can hear every beats of my heart, since he just too close to me.

 

Our lips almost met.

But—no.

 

“H-hyukkie…” He whispers, head tilting slightly, following mine that’s just turned away from him.

 

I glance at my left—where I can’t even realize what is it there.

You do know why I’m rejecting your kiss, Hae.

 

I don’t want to fell too deep.

I don’t want to fell in love again and again with you just like every single time we kiss.

 

I don’t want to let you.

 

But…

I don’t want you to go, either.

 

I took a slight deep breath while trying to glance back to your mesmerizing eyes, as I feel my own grip becomes tighter to your blue shirt.

I can see a very, little anger in your eyes.

 

I bet you can see mine too.

 

Maybe mine’s bigger.

Since you didn’t even realize it.

 

But what should I say?

I don’t want you to add more lies.

 

Should I let you?

Should I forget it?

 

Will you not lie again?

I don’t know how long we have been staring at each other’s eyes, without saying even any single word—until finally, he moved and leaned to peck my forehead.

 

I closed my eyes.

Our scent has mixed with each other; I can’t even dismantle it and telling which is which.

This is our scent.

 

This scent is one.

 

And I believe it will keep this way,

If we always together.

 

I heard him sighed deeply, and leaning down to lay beside me, still hugging tightly around my neck as I hug him back possessively.

I know none of us dare to say a word.

 

Not even claiming each other with the usual you are mine.

Not even telling each other with the heartwarming I love you.

Not even being honest to each other with the sweet truth such as I miss you and I need you.

 

But…

We’re not saying it either.

We’re not telling each other what our egos has been dying to tell.

 

How dare you.

I hate what you did.

I’m still mad at you.

 

And where were you.

 

In fact, we didn’t say anything at all.

And just letting silence to tell everything.

 

-----===-----

 

“As you know, final exam is coming faster than we think. It’s time for all of you to think about the final exam. And remember, forget those hang outs and start to study,”

 

I yawned.

Mr. Cho surely loves to talk about this so much.

I believe I already heard this talks for about hundred times, coming exactly from his mouth.

 

Well—he’s right, by the way.

The high school time is almost over.

Which means, the graduation is getting nearer.

 

And…

Aish.

I don’t want to even think of that.

 

If Hae is going to take a university in Korea, then…

We’ll be separated, won’t we?

 

I’m going to England.

He’s in Seoul.

 

What is it, ten, eleven hours apart?

I bit my lower lip harshly.

I know Shindong hyung once told me that a long distance relationship is really not a problem these days, since… The technology is already supportive, and yet—my love towards Hae, and his love towards me.

But things can change.

And that is actually what I am afraid of.

 

“Have you all prepare any plans on where to continue your study?” I heard Mr. Cho still continuing. “Ah, perhaps, Hyukjae?”

 

Gosh, I’m glad I heard him at the last sentence.

“Ah yes, sir, um… I have,” I said, straightening my sitting position to answer him properly. “I’ll be continuing my study in England,”

 

I heard a soft gasp from behind.

“No way,”

Who is that?

 

“Hae oppa is going to study here, I thought Hyuk oppa is too—“

I turned to my back, only to find Victoria muttering those things to herself, that surely loud enough for me to hear.

 

She didn’t say any word to continue what she just said, neither am I.

Gosh, I ing know.

It’s not like we want to be separated.

 

And I just realize me and Hae actually never talked about it anymore, not since he just recovered.

 

I glance back to front, biting my lower lip.

What if he forgets about that?

What if he can’t bear long distance relationship and choose to break up with me instead?

 

What if… He doesn’t care?

 

Our relationship’s condition is not really good right now, and he surely knows it either.

 

But…

I really need him.

 

My life is nothing without his existence.

Without his existence beside me.

 

Every single time.

 

And I can’t even imagine how suffering it might be without feeling his embrace for that long, even I know we’ll meet frequently.

But not that frequent.

Oh gosh, we really have to talk about this.

 

And talk about everything, I hope.

 

---===---

 

 

“Hi, Eunhyuk oppa~”

I glance back and saw a bunch of girls waving towards me.

 

Aish.

They giggled happily just after I waved back and gave them a slight smile, but I hell I still can heard them from the distance, even when I’m already continue walking towards the library.

 

“Omo! I can’t believe he’s gone too handsome with that hair!”

“It’s a shame on you not to watch the tournament Saturday~!”

 

Ah.

Is it shame on Hae, too?

 

Well, I won the tournament.

I can’t believe myself either, but my confidence is so high back then, and I just can dance smoothly, higher than my own expectation.

 

Everyone cheered for me.

But to be honest…

Everything is so meaningless without you watching, Hae.

 

I opened the library’s door, and welcomed by few Fox that is currently chatting and eating snack together.

“Hyung ah!!!” Key yelled, waving his bread at me with his wide smile.

I smiled back, walking towards them. “It’s rare to have all of you gathering around like this,” I said, sat on my usual spot on the doubled couch, raising one of my legs up.

“Well, we’re here to congratulate you, hyung!” Kibum exclaimed. “Congratulation, you looks too gorgeous back then at the tournament,”

 

I laugh. “I still am,”

 

“Yeah, after I saw it for a while…” Xiah suddenly murmured, leaning closer to me, making me lean further. “You look really good in red,”

 

I raised my brows. “Thanks,”

“I bet those girls are still talking about you, hyung,” Taemin said while sipping his lychee juice, smile attached to his lips.

 

Well…

I can’t help but blush for every compliment they threw towards me.

“Aww! I wonder how Donghae react when he saw—wait.” Xiah crossed his brows. “Why didn’t he come?”

 

Uh.

I know they’re dying to know why Hae didn’t come to see me at the tournament and I know they don’t want to make me sad back then, so I guess this is the right time for them to ask.

 

But…

I have a problem here.

 

I don’t know.

 

“Hyuk ah?”

I avoid any stare.

 

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I don’t know why he didn’t come at Saturday.

 

I don’t know where was he.

I don’t know what he did.

 

I don’t know,

 

And he didn’t even…

“Hey…”

I look up. “H-huh?”

 

They’re all sighed. “Your expression just looks like you’re about to cry, hyung.” Minho said. “Are you okay?”

 

I nodded, faking a laugh. “I’m fine…”

What.

I’m not, pabo.

 

“Well, let’s talk about anything els—“

Suddenly, a few knocks at the door cut Minho’s words.

And seconds later, the doors already opened, revealing a surprising figure.

 

No.

It’s not Hae.

 

It’s not Hae like the usual we used to eat lunch together, since it’s lunchtime, right now.

 

It’s not him.

 

He’s not here to see me, to be with me, even only from a call, even only from a message.

 

It’s—

“Ah! Fox are all here!”

 

Tiffany.

 

Everyone raising their brows in confusion, since most of them doesn’t really know who she is.

“Hey,” I called her, indicating that I am close with her so that everyone will understand. “What are you doing?”

 

She giggled once, starts to run towards the others and me.

“I knew it most of the Fox are so handsome!” She said, then staring at me. “Eunhyuk ah!! I saw you Saturday!!”

 

Everyone stared at me.

“You’re too handsome and gorgeous for your own good,” She shrugged, before glancing to the others that still dumbfounded, staring at her. “Oh—anyway, am I disturbing all of you?”

“Uhh…” Xiah scratches his head. “We just don’t know—“

“My name is Tiffany Hwang! I’m from Rakooga, your neighbor!” She giggled. “I’m Eunhyuk’s friend,”

Now they stared at me, right after she pointed. “Are you often lunch together?” Kibum asked.

 

“No, actually,” I shook my head. “But sometimes, yeah,”

“I thought it’s Hae hyung who’s coming,”

 

Aish.

Yeah.

 

I left my expectation too high and now it fell too deep down in disappointment, knowing he’s not here to see me.

I…

I miss him.

 

I can’t lie.

 

He’s lying beside me all night, tuck me until I fell asleep just too quickly because of the comforts I’ve been receiving.

But when I woke up,

There’s no him anywhere in the house.

And I went to school alone.

 

I know I’m supposed to call him or text him, just to make sure he’s fine, he’s okay. But—

“Hae? Oh, you mean Donghae, Eunhyuk’s boyfriend that is super genius?”

 

I snapped, glancing at Tiffany.

Why do I dislike the way she’s talking just now, that it is about Hae?

 

She glances at me for a while and then sat on the empty spot between us while sipping her canned green tea.

“I sat behind him today,” she shrugs.

Huh…

She what?

 

She sat behind Hae?

“Wow, you’re both in the same class?” Xiah asked, the exact same question I want to throw at her, before she replied it with a simple nod.

“Yep! And he looks fine,” She mutters, “I guess…”

 

He looks fine?

 

He looks fine?

Gosh, while me, I barely even talk to anyone without attaching any thoughts that Hae will call me or text me somehow.

Calm down, Hyukkie.

 

But…

We haven’t even kiss since the day he lied.

 

He only kissed my forehead yesterday, and I rejected his next kiss because I was thinking about the lie that he told me without any explanation after that, or even any apology.

Maybe thinking that I didn’t know about it.

 

But…

Does he think that I’m mad only because of his non existence at the tournament, only that?

 

No, not at all.

Maybe if he didn’t lie,

 

I’ll just forgive him since he told me to trust him.

But now I know that he lied—which that creates some enormous insecure feelings to me knowing that he might be lie anytime when I’m not aware enough,

 

I barely even accept his kiss anymore.

 

And I…

I’m suffering this way.

 

 

---===---

---Next Day---

 

“O… Oppa,”

I stopped my feet from walking, as I sip my strawberry milk once again while looking back, checking if that call is for me or not.

 

Eh?

“Eunhyuk oppa,”

It’s a girl, Fukuura student, but her face is not familiar enough, and I bet she’s still in first or second grade.

I raised my brows at her. “Yes?” I asked, walking closer since she’s just too far to talk.

 

She gasped by the distance. “Um, I… My name is Ayumi, and…” She glances around groggily.

 

Ayumi?

Well, I kind of forget, or maybe I really don’t know that name exist in Fukuura? Yah, whatever. She just introduced herself.

 

“What is it, Ayumi?”

She bit her lower lip. “I… I’ve been liking you since first time I saw you…”

 

I crossed my brows.

What does she mean?

 

Doesn’t she know—

“Well, um, I know about your relationship with… Rakooga’s president… B-but…” She lowered her head.

 

“But?”

“I-isn’t it unfair?” She suddenly exclaimed, makes me gasp. “A-ah, sorry.”

“What do you mean unfair, Ayumi?” I asked politely, since I know she’s not going to do something bad. But then, she stared at me as if I did wrong—before she avoid my stare once again.

She sighed. “I… I mean, there are so many pretty girls who likes you but… You choose a guy?”

 

Eh?

 

“Is that wrong?” I asked slowly.

She didn’t reply for a few seconds, but then she parted her lips to say something.

 

“Why… Why do you like him?”

I curved a little smile. “Why do you like me?”

 

“B-because you’re perfect in everything and all!” She said in excitement, but I still caught fear in her eyes.

I lean closer to her. “But you don’t even know what kind of guy I am,”

 

Well yeah,

I love Hae because he has such a pure heart—besides the perfect everything and all he has which it’s too obvious—and… I love every single bit of him, no exception.

 

“I… I can get to know you,”

Hmmm…

I just smiled.

Well, she is not at fault at all, actually.

 

I should be thankful, even.

With those thoughts, I moved my hand to her head slowly as I tried to gave her my best smile—and she gasp, along with red tint coloring her white cheeks.

 

“Thank you for liking me,” I said. “But as you know, I love that guy, maybe far more than you like me.”

For just a second, she looks stunned. But then immediately she gasps, looking at me and bowed apologetically.

“I… I’m sorry for burden you, oppa!” She said, and before I could reply anything, she already ran off from my sight.

 

Eh…

I didn’t do wrong, did I?

I guess I’m not harsh, and besides—it’s been long since I heard anyone else liking me, because everyone is obviously know about my relationship with Hae, and it’s getting more obvious with the existence of the photo like a week ago.

Well, I hope she can get another guy who’s better than me.

 

“Ow, a love confession in such time?” I suddenly heard an annoying familiar voice just behind me—along with a shocking tap on my left shoulder. “You don’t even know what kind of guy I am, oh well… She really doesn’t.” He laughs.

I groaned by the thought of him eavesdropping everything.

“Aish, get lost, Xiah,”

He always mocks me about stuffs like this and I really don’t like it.

 

“Hey, chill~” He chuckled. “Where are you going with that milk? Me myself going to go to library,” He added, much to my annoyance.

“Same as you.” I replied carelessly, as I keep walking towards the said place.

Well, even though he always managed to make me super pissed off, I still can’t get over the thankful feelings by what he did for me and Hae.

 

Without him, maybe me and Hae won’t even together.

But…

Maybe everything will be totally different from this.

 

Or, actually, it’s the same, but in that case, it’s Hae who fight his love towards me?

I’ll never know, anyway.

Stop looking back, Hyukkie.

“Oh!” I heard Xiah exclaims, make me look up to front to see what makes him squeal in joy.

 

Ah, there are all of Fox gathered here again.

“Hey, hyungs!” Taemin waved. “It’s Onew birthday, so he bought all of us chicken for lunch!”

I blinked. “Oh, happy birthday, Onew,”

“Thanks hyung!” He replied while waving his hand, with mouth full for munching his chickens.

“Happy birthday Onew!” Xiah squeals and ran immediately towards them. Well, he never can refuse free meal, is he.

 

I just walked slowly towards my favorite place and sat down, feeling no appetite except for continuously sipping my strawberry milk that almost empty.

“Hyung, won’t you eat?” I heard Minho asked, but I just feel like refusing which I quickly shook my head. “Just have it all,”

 

Well, don’t blame me.

I just…

I miss Hae—for the hundredth times already.

 

I can’t deny this overflowing feelings that starting to possess me like I’m a mad man, just because this simple—yet frustrating thing.

I think I really am mad.

I’m madly in love with Hae.

 

Nothing would change that—

Even if Hae stops loving me.

 

He’s like my…

True love.

 

Possession.

 

Drugs,

That keeps on feeding my addiction.

 

I don’t know what I should do without him.

 

I just—

“Hyung, it’s really delicious! You really don’t wanna?” I heard Onew’s voice, still with his unclear words because covered by the chicken in his mouth. “If you don’t wanna, then I guess I’ll just… Eat it!” He laughs happily.

 

I smiled by his happiness.

“It’s okay,”

“Aish! You’re a chicken maniac, of course you’d be happy if hyung doesn’t eat your chicken!” Key roared, before turned his gaze towards me. “Really, hyung? Have you eat?”

 

I haven’t.

But… Is that important for now?

I don’t even desire food at the moment.

“Um, actually I—“

Suddenly, the door’s knocked.

Xiah glances around us. “Who’s that might be—Oh, is it Tiffany girl again?”

 

I shrugged and shook my head. Well, yesterday Tiffany spent a great lunchtime with the rest of Fox, so she might be coming back.

 

But then—the door’s slowly opened.

I held my breath unconsciously.

“H…”

 

It’s Hae.

“Hae hyung!” I heard Kibum’s voice, but my focus is already stolen by the figure that just closed the door quietly.

 

He came.

To see me.

 

To see…

Me.

 

I felt my heart is beating uncontrollably wild, because exactly when my desire of meeting him reaches peak, he’s there.

 

Oh—

Our eyes met.

Gosh, why I just… So nervous, I’m feeling like he’s my crush that hasn’t even mine yet.

 

Calm down.

 

Calm down, silly.

No need to rush.

 

He’s walking here; I can see it from the corner of my eyes—well, because I am too shy to look directly to him.

I don’t know, did I mad at him?

 

I even forget about that because of the longings.

 

Haish, hold yourself, monkey!

“Do you want chicken, hyung? Onew’s celebrating his birthday today,” Minho offered.

“Oh,” He sounded, “Happy birthday, Onew. It’s okay, I’m fine,” he added softly, before replied by a hum of thank you by Onew who’s still got his mouth full of countless chickens he’s been eating.

 

Suddenly, he sat right in front of me, on the single couch that is currently empty.

 

I…

I want to look at him and hug him.

But there’s no way I would do that since everyone is here and… I’ll be so embarrass—

 

“Well, then?” Suddenly Xiah exclaims, tapping his own lap. “Shall we…Ehm?”

 

I glance at him awkwardly.

Shall we what?

 

“O-ooh! Yeah, c’mon Onew, let’s buy some drinks, since my throat is getting dry because eating too much chicken of yours,” Minho said quickly as he stood up and dragged Taemin.

Onew turned to everyone, while munches another piece of chicken as the other hand busy collecting his chickens that is everywhere on the table. “But I didn’t—“

“Shut up, c’mon let’s go!”

 

I blinked. “W-wait—“

“You just wait here, Hyuk ah. You didn’t even eat the chicken, right? It’s useless for you to come with us,” Xiah tapped my shoulder and turned to the dumbfounded Hae. “Just after another confession and you came,” he laughs, with thumb pointing at me.

 

W-what?

What the hell is he talking about?

“What do you mean?”

 

Uh-oh, Hae’s serious voice…

But then, that stupid Xiah just laughs and dragging everyone out of the library—which that is so obvious they (except Onew, maybe) did that to give some space for me and Hae, which is I really grateful for that.

 

“Uh, wait,”

Suddenly I heard Hae mutters loudly and ran towards all the Fox that is currently going out of the library.

What is he doing?

 

He came back, closing the door behind them and walking towards me—while his right hand holding a little chicken stick, and sat down just beside me, remembering the empty space it’s already been.

“Hey,” He whispers.

 

Oh gosh, that.

I miss that.

I glance at him, just to see his mesmerizing eyes that are shot deeply towards mine, make me almost jumped by the sudden heart flutters.

 

He scooted beside me.

Mm…

Somehow, I felt that the closer his scent to me, the more I feel comfortable—and finally managed to relax. Well, despite the tension he’s bringing me, by being so close and all.

 

He rounded his arm around my shoulder, tilting his head so that he’s facing me right now.

“Why don’t you eat?” He whispered again with his really soft voice I almost melted.

All the anger and the disappointment seem to just disappear from my mind—even I know it’s still exist, but no, not for now.

 

I just need him badly for this second.

 

“I…” I bit my lower lip out of consciousness. “Not hungry,”

“Did you just eat?”

I shook my head.

 

Spoil me.

Care about me more.

 

He my hair slowly, offering me Onew’s chicken that is still in his grip. “Just eat now, okay? I’ll feed you, baby,”

 

I feel like I want to cry.

 

We just haven’t meet for a day, but this kind of longing owns me too bad it’s suffocating.

 

“Hyukkie?”

I blinked. E-eh? My hand is already clutching tightly to his front uniform—obviously showing to him that I desire for him.

 

How stupid.

 

“Eh… um,” I looked at his eyes, already careless about my hand that’s still clinging on his uniform. “I… am not really in mood for eating…”

 

He narrowed his eyes, as if he’s thinking about something.

 

“Hmmm…”

 

“Mm?”

 

He pecks my forehead softly, straightening his gaze towards my eyes. “Please, share this with me, beautiful?”

 

Awh.

I couldn’t hide my smile.

 

Anything for you, then.

 

“Okay.”

 

 

And there we are, as he keep on feeding bit by bit the chicken from Onew, and sometimes, it’s my turn to feed him just like a newlywed couple.

 

Ah—well, I’m too much imagining.

Forget it.

After we finished the chicken, I just realized that I’ve finished my milk and regret it not to save some for Hae so that he won’t be that thirsty—but suddenly, he let out something from his blazer’s pocket.

 

“I almost disappoint myself not to give you this before you drink that,” He pointed to my empty carton of strawberry milk, before handed me another one. “I’m glad I can share you this again,” He added, grinning.

 

Gosh.

So adorable.

 

He pulled out the straw and sticking it in to the carton, sipping it a little and moved it in front of my lips—well that, I gladly drank it slowly.

 

“Mmm… Delicious?”

I chuckled, nodding my head. “You just sounded as if I’m a little kid,”

“Nah, only my cute lover,” he pinched my cheek playfully.

 

Oh .

He successfully make my face is as red as a tomato, I bet.

 

I can feel it heats crept on my cheeks—

“Stop being so cute...” He suddenly whispered, with his other hand I saw putting the milk on the table, without turning his gaze away. “Or I can’t resist…”

I blink, feeling my heart thumped so hard. “Resist wh—”

“Mmh…” I felt a pair of delicious feelings grasping me, with every pain of those heartbeats that seems to stop.

 

He pressed his lips to mine softly, gently, as if he really wants to treasure every bit of the current moment.

 

One of the best kiss we’ve ever had, I swear.

He keeps on giving a sweet little kisses again and again, on my lips, my cheek, my chin, and it landed again on my lips deeply, and…

 

I felt so much love.

Just the same like before.

Just the same like hundreds kisses we had.

 

He’s pressing me on the back of the couch with his right hand cupping my cheek, as we keep on kissing each other—until finally the urge of grasping some air came, and we have to part.

I opened my eyes slowly.

 

He’s so close,

And so handsome.

 

The way he keep on caressing my cheek…

It brings so many butterflies.

 

I can’t help to blush once again, feeling him staring intently at my face in such a distance, with—

 

Huh?

W-why he’s crossing his brows like that, all of a sudden—as if he just remembered something?

Is there anything wrong with me?

 

But…

That’s the expression of anger, of… I don’t know, disliking?

 

Why he stares at me like that so suddenly?

Did I do something wrong…?

 

“H… Hae…? What is it…?”

His expression changed.

That soft expression still there—but it’s all covered with some indefinable expression that I couldn’t tell what is it all about.

He sighs, not looking to my eyes—instead, he stared at something… Wait, is it my—

 

“Why don’t you change your hair?”

 

Huh?

What?

 

I crossed my brows.

“What do you mean?”

 

“This,” He my hair once. “Why don’t you change it?”

I…

I don’t get it.

“D-don’t you like it…?”

He narrowed his eyes, and shook his head. “No, I don’t like your hair,”

 

I felt something crashed me.

Gosh, I did this for him.

I thought…

“But… You told me that I’m beautiful—“

 

“You are beautiful, I just don’t like your hair,” he mutters, “Just change it… I don’t like seeing you in it,”

H-huh…?

“But Hae… Everyone told me that it suits m—“

 

“Everyone?” He asks, showing that expression, the expression that makes my heart flinched. “I’m not…”

Okay…

“I hate your hair…”

 

S-stop that.

I lost every sense now.

 

“You should—“

I quickly pushed his chest gently. “I-I got it,” I said, didn’t dare to see his face again as I just look down to his uniform.

 

You don’t have to say it again.

“Hey…” he tried to lean closer again to me, but I don’t know why, I held him.

“N-no, it’s enough. I’ll change it. Just… enough, Hae.”

“Hyukkie…” He started to cup my cheek, and what I know next is I pried those hands off of me, and pushed him away. “Stop, Hae. Stop, I understand,”

 

“I only said that I don’t like—“

“Enough!”

 

Don’t say it again.

You don’t know how bad my heart’s crashed and injured.

I did this only for you, and tried so hard so that I would get perfect color.

If you don’t like it, that is fine, I will change it just like anything you want.

 

Just don’t say it over and over again.

Don’t break my heart over and over again like you’re the cruelest guy on earth.

 

“Hyukkie, I—“

I pushed him again while started to stand up. “No, enough, Hae. Let’s stop.”

 

I don’t know why am I so mad.

Why am I so troubled like this.

 

I don’t know why am I become this sensitive.

Maybe because it’s about you.

Maybe because it’s about you, Hae.

 

N-no.

Not maybe.

 

Because it’s about you, that is certain.

 

I walked as quickly as I can to the library’s door unconsciously, as I’ve been trying so hard to hold the suffocating feeling that’s stuck in my throat.

 

How dare you, Hae.

How dare you to make me give away those addicting warmth that I’ve been craving so bad.

 

How dare you to make me mad at you like that.

“Hyuk, baby, wait…”

He grabbed my arm, but I don’t know why I feel such disgust and anger to make me flick my hand so it’ll pried away from his grip.

 

“No, no!”

“Hey, baby stop,“

 

In such speed, he turns me around harshly and I quickly felt something familiar on my lips.

“Mm—N-no! Enough…”

I pushed him away.

 

I’ve lost.

My tear has fall.

 

“Stop it, Hae! I don’t want it!” I furiously hit his chest once, not caring about what kind of expression he’s showing me, but I know I better not see it.

“Just go… Go back!”

With that, I managed to run, as fast as I could to the restroom. I know he’s not following me until I’ve arrived at the front of the mirror.

 

You didn’t say anything 2 days ago when we met.

I’ve set my confidence too high afterwards; knowing that you like my new hair and you told me that I’m beautiful.

 

I’m feeling that I won from everything.

 

Yet,

In the end you’re just making it worse.

 

---

[a/n]: I'M SORRY. FOR DISAPPEARING FOR A WHOLE YEAR T T I truly apologize deeply from my heart... just 2014 has been... T T i'm sorry.. i'll try to make it up this year. i'm okay, so don't worry ^ ^

MUCH LOVE <3