He just has to try, and things will be alright.

He did. He tried harder. And it worked. He pulled it off. People praised him, saying as a rapper Hoya has a great vocal power. Hoya knew it…hard works never betrays him.

Again, his addiction of practice got worsens. Just like another addiction it absorbed him, make him want to forget everything. All that he knows is he has to be good. He can’t let infinite and other member down. A voice keeps yelling on Howon’s mind.

‘You need to be better than Dongwoo at dancing.’

‘You’re not the main vocalist, but you can’t lose to Woohyun.’

‘You gained a few pound. You will never get a lot of fans like Myungsoo’

‘Sungyeol still better than you at acting.’

And more voice…more voice. Sometimes those voice overlapped, making Howon’s head feels like going to burst, forced him to take painkillers and some weird pills from doctors just to make him be able to sleep. They called it antidepressants. Funny, because Howon thought he’s not depressed. He’s just working hard. Nothing wrong about that. Too bad, other members seem too busy to realize that their main dancer is going through something. They’re just thinking that ‘Howon is being Howon’, the practice addict. Until it reaches a point when they realized that the addiction is overboard.

“Hyung, where are you?” His roommate, Sungjong’s voice on his phone.

“Practice room.”

“Hoya, it’s 3 AM!” That was Sungyeol screaming.

“I need to get right. I have to fix the move. You guys just sleep.” He shut the phone off and throws it to his bag. Back again facing the mirror, getting into the beat of the sound, ignoring the sweats that have been trickling down all over his body. The music starts again, and he spins and dances to it. At that moment he saw a shadow in the mirror. He saw a tired looking figure and somehow he can’t recognized it.

Who’s that boy? Why he’s so ugly?

“You’re tired.” He hears a voice after the sound of someone turns off the music. He saw Dongwoo standing in front of the speaker. He sighed, taking a towel from his back, ignoring Dongwoo’s presence.

“I’m fine, I just need more hours.”

“Did you eat something last night?”

“I wasn’t hungry. Just go, hyung. Get rest.”

“No…you get rest, kid. But eat something first. Come on.” Dongwoo tried to hold his wrist but Howon shake it off, making the older man startled.

“I said I’m fine!”

“Hoya…”

“I need to get it right!” He shouted. But then he surprised on how loud he shouted. He notices there’s a different reaction on Dongwoo’s face.  An expression he never seen before.

“You got it right already! Jesus, why you’re so obsessed and ignorant? Do you think all the members have their special time just to worry about you? Don’t be childish, Hoya!”

Dongwoo never shouted to anybody. He never gets angry. He always thinks positively no matter how messed up things are. That’s why Howon surprised on how pissed off Dongwoo because of his action.

So now, even I make you angry, hyung?

“Right…I’m ignorant. I’m obsessed. I’m childish. I’m not a genius like you.”

“Hoya, stop…”

“I’m not good enough…I’m insecure. I’m a trouble and…and…” He can’t continued his words. He doesn’t know why. Maybe because unexpectedly there’s something on his throat that blocked him from saying anything. A moment latter he surprised by his own tears.

I’m scared. I’m alone.

Dongwoo’s eyes widen when he saw Howon block his mouth with his hand, prevent the crying sound to come out. But it’s failed, because after all Dongwoo still can see his little friend’s shaking shoulder. All his anger went to vanish as he walks closer towards the trembling figure and embrace it.

“Hoya…I’m sorry…please…let’s just go home okay.”

He gives up and let Dongwoo hold him as they walk to the dorm.

Since that day, everything good that he was believe in start to crumble. All god things must come to and end. It turns bad. And Howon doesn’t know what’s going on with him. He was good…but now it’s never enough. His vocal performance just bad, he messed up the choreography, and he got a lot of NG’s on the filming set.

Howon thinks something must be wrong. Or maybe he lacks of practice. That’s why he practices more and more. Reducing his already ‘little’ sleeping time. Until a week later Sungjong found him passed out in the practice room. High fever and anemia.

He feels biggest disappointment in his life when he found the IV drip on his wrist. He tried to sit when he hears Myungsoo’s voice.

“You’re awake? Oh, finally…”

“Why are you here?”

“I just drop from filming location. Other member will be here soon.”

“Oh…”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m fine. Do you know where my phone is? I need to call Jungryul hyung to get me discharged.”

“Hoya, you fainted. You’re practically out for 36 hours. You’re far from fine.”

“What do you say? Look at me…I’m just lack of sleep. Now that I’ve got 36 hours sleep, I’m fine already. Come on…lend me your phone, Soo. I need to call Jungryul-hyung.” He smiled.

Myungsoo just can sighed before finally gives Hoya his phone.