kim jongin;

It took him a while to adjust his eyes to the blinding light streaming from the cracks between the curtains. It took him a while longer to register his almost foreign surroundings. There weren’t any sounds from the traffic polluting his ears. Instead there was the soft pitter-patter of morning rain calming his senses. He lay on his back for a few more minutes before sitting up and reaching over for his phone.

His home screen showed two smiling young men, one in front of the other, cheeks pressed tightly as if they couldn’t get any closer. A sad smile graced his lips as memories of that particular day flooded his thoughts. It’s been a year and he still couldn’t find the will to move on. He’s had thoughts of going back but he couldn’t risk yet another rejection. He’s hurt enough.

Pulling a tshirt over his head, he plodded his way barefooted into his small kitchen. He leaned over the counter arms wrapped around his torso, probably as a reassurance that he still has himself to keep himself together. He still has yet to make sense of that, to be honest, but he’s going to get through. Jongin just needs Kyungsoo to hurry up because he’s running out of excuses to not break down.

“You’re still waiting for him, aren’t you?” Minseok had said possibly for the tenth time this month.  The older man found it ironic for Jongin to come back working at his bookshop again. Jongin never told him why and Minseok wasn’t really the type to in other people’s business but he knew the boy since he was a high school kid working part time in that very bookshop stealing glances at a certain senior.

He quit just before he started senior year when his family had to move to the city. He came back five years later, an architecture graduate with no intentions of going anywhere near buildings. Not yet, at least. Minseok pointed out how he has so much laid out in front of him yet he chooses to come back to this part of the world and get lost in a thunderstorm of words the books offered.

“I’m waiting for someone,” he had said.

“Does he know you’re here though?” Minseok had asked one day as they were closing down the shop. Somehow Minseok knew. He had always known but never said anything. Jongin was secretly thankful for that because it would’ve been awkward to explain. That he was in love and trying to explain why was like trying to explain why he was still alive. He doesn’t know. He just was and still is.

“If he paid attention enough, he’d know where to look.”

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The evening breeze was cool against his skin, a harsh contrast with the blazing heat of the summer sun. It reminds him too much of their after school rooftop getaway and all of their unplanned adventures. The former was one of his favourite. Sometimes they would just sit there and talk and laugh at each other’s jokes, sometimes they would share earphones and listen to songs with words Jongin doesn’t understand and sometimes Kyungsoo would doze off and his head would fall on Jongin’s shoulders and Jongin would let him. He would always let him because he loves the way Kyungsoo’s lashes brush on his pale cheeks and he loves how peaceful Kyungsoo looks in his sleep despite all the things he had to go through.

Jongin wonders just how broken can a person be to only have one last piece to hold on to. And he wonders what it’ll take – or how much more one can take – to finally let go. He wonders if Kyungsoo is silently waiting for someone to reach out and hold him so that he won’t let go. Right then and there he realised just how much he cared for the broken boy leaning against him and he’d do anything to help him put the pieces back together again. Even if it means having to break himself in order to replace all of Kyungsoo’s missing pieces.

He loved all of the moments they spent on the school’s rooftop. All except for one. It was the day after Kyungsoo had agreed to let him come over to his place. Jongin had been excited, giddy even and he had regretted it. He never knew what Kyungsoo’s life would be like and he was curious because in his eyes Kyungsoo was a mystery. He had expected a warm smile from Kyungsoo’s mother or maybe a glass of homemade lemonade and they’d hang out at his backyard or Kyungsoo’s room if he was lucky enough. He hadn’t expected the shouting or the way Kyungsoo’s eyes became wider as he urged him to go home instead. He had calmly held the elder’s hand and smiled in hopes it served enough as a reassurance that he won’t be running way.

Jongin found Kyungsoo smoking on the rooftop the next day. The sight frightened him but the empty look in Kyungsoo’s eyes terrified him even more. They were unseeing, devoid of any emotion because emotions made him feel things without his consent. It was heart-breaking. He approached the older boy slowly and quietly sat down beside him not saying a word. Time seems to stretch on infinitely and the silence was almost deafening. Jongin was about to say something when Kyungsoo’s quiet voice interrupted him.

“You should run away while you still can. Go. I won’t stop you.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Jongin replied. The strength and honesty shocked even him. But he meant every single word of it. He turned his head towards the elder and their eyes met and his breath got caught in his throat and his heartbeat accelerated and he couldn’t think. He swallowed the invisible lump in his throat as Kyungsoo’s pink plump lips etched into a smirk. Jongin wonders what they would feel like pressed up against his. He snapped out of his reverie when Kyungsoo turned his head away and tried to shake the image way from his overly imaginative mind.

“Are you okay, Hyung?” Jongin asked carefully, afraid he might have chosen the wrong words to say.

“I don’t even know what’s wrong with me anymore,” he answered before turning his head towards the younger male again with perusing eyes and eyebrows knitted together in thought. “Is it normal to have a desire to run away? Or disappear, maybe?” And wish for a different life was something Kyungsoo left hanging on the edge of his tongue. He never voiced it but Jongin knew it was there.

“Running away from your problems is a race you’ll never win.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t understand,” Kyungsoo said in a bitter tone as he stands up and lights another cigarette. Jongin sat there and for a moment he was rooted to the spot willing himself to stay calm as anger pulsed through his veins. He doesn’t understand what Kyungsoo is going through and he doesn’t understand what it was doing to him. But damn it he wants to. He would do anything if it means he gets to take away all of Kyungsoo’s pain. The next sentence that came out from the elder’s mouth had Jongin striding towards him in a heartbeat.

“Nobody cares about me anyway.”

Kyungsoo knew Jongin was a strong fellow and he knew the guy can hold his own. But he hadn’t realised just how strong the younger boy was until his fist collided with his left cheek. The magnitude of momentum had him lurching backwards, stumbling on his own feet. His mind had yet to register pain as Jongin took him by the collar and backed him up against the wall, body pressing up against his as he struggled to catch his breath. Jongin looked infuriated, eyes set in a lethal glare, jaw locked and lips hardened into a straight line. His voice steady and haunting, it made Kyungsoo’s head throb.

“So what am I to you then? You should know by now that I care about you because if I didn’t, I would’ve been long gone. But I guess it’s too much to get into your thick head.” Wide eyes stared at Jongin too frightened to speak because words always failed him in the end. So Kyungsoo just looked at him in hopes Jongin would be able to read his thoughts that are screaming “Why would you care about me?” because it didn’t make sense. Not even his feelings made sense. His heartbeat quickened, his chest felt tight and it had nothing to do with Jongin pressing up against him, his breath hitched and the tears fell before he had the chance to will them away.

Jongin cursed under his breath as he let go of the elder’s collar and instead wrapped his long arms around the train wreck that was Kyungsoo, half-expecting him to pull away. What he hadn’t expected was Kyungsoo’s arms snaking around his torso, head buried in his chest and hands clutching his clothes as if his life depended on it. A muffled choking noise had him moving his right hand to the back of Kyungsoo’s head and he swears Kyungsoo held him just a little bit closer. In turn, Jongin nuzzled into the older male’s hair as he whispered a soft “It’s okay to cry, you know. I got you. I won’t let go.” And Kyungsoo did just that. He let go of everything. Violent sobs racked his small frame as years of unshed tears finally flowed freely out of his eyes. They stayed that way for who knows how long before they hesitantly let go of each other.

“Did I hurt you?” Jongin asked after a long while of silence. His eyes were closed and he had his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder while the latter has his head against his.

“Yeah, and you’re gonna have to pay for that.” His voice was threatening but Jongin could feel the mischief in it. He smiled but didn’t say anything - he didn’t find the need to. In that moment Jongin saw comfort in a completely different perspective. And Kyungsoo… well Kyungsoo might’ve finally found himself a home.

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Jongin went straight to the kitchen when he came home, thirst getting the best of him. A single Polaroid stuck on the refrigerator caught the corner of his vision and made him stop in his tracks. Funny how one picture can bring you back to the memories you try hard to forget. And it’s funny how the best times you had once upon a time can bring tears to your eyes and twist your inner being in such ways that it makes you want to vomit.

Despite the endless protests from his parents, Kyungsoo decided to take a year off after graduating from high school. “I need to find myself” was what he had said to Jongin. They found an open field on a hill about 30 minutes northwest of where they lived. Jongin knew because he’s a geek who likes to play with maps and compasses and goes on self-proclaimed adventures. It was their new getaway after the school rooftop.

“My dad got a new job at the city,” said Jongin softly, a little bit afraid to break the serene silence. He was lying next to Kyungsoo not once minding the slightly wet grass beneath them. The night air was refreshing and the vast beauty of the dark skies above them was magnificent. They did this often – sneaking out in the middle of the night stargazing and trying to spot constellations. Jongin never really knew how to make out shapes out of stars and neither did Kyungsoo but Jongin’s definition of fun was exciting to Kyungsoo and so he just went along with it – any of it.

“We’re moving out. Next week.” Jongin tried again when he realised Kyungsoo wasn’t going to respond to him. He turned his head towards the older and sighed when he sees Kyungsoo had his eyes closed and ears plugged in.

He didn’t get to see Kyungsoo when they had to leave because they were out of town. He didn’t get to see him the entirety of his senior year and he was too busy to call, not even Kyungsoo bothered to contact him. But life has an amusing way of working itself out. Just when you thought it has given up on you, the complicated twists and turns of fate unravel and you find yourself face to face with the one person you thought you would never meet again.

Second year of college was when Jongin bumped into Kyungsoo. Or rather introduced to him by Sehun. Him an architecture major and Kyungsoo a fine arts major. And then it started again as if Jongin never left, as if they never fell apart, as if nothing happened. Maybe nothing really did happen. Maybe they never really did fell apart from the start. Maybe there was only a very significant pause in which they were suddenly pulled apart and somehow found each other again. Maybe that was just the way Do Kyungsoo and Kim Jongin were – they gravitate towards each other like the opposite ends of magnets.

Third year of college was when Jongin decided to be a little bit rebellious and dyed his hair blonde. His price was Kyungsoo staring at him for a solid two minutes with wide eyes, lips slightly parted and he didn’t talk to Jongin for two days straight. Eventually Kyungsoo learned to accept Jongin’s new look or maybe he was secretly planning to shave his hair off of his head while he was sleeping but never gotten around to actually doing it. Kyungsoo was a busy man and when he wasn’t, he’d find something to keep him busy. This mainly consisted of Jongin being the model for his new artwork and Sehun pointing out how they should just date already. Not that Jongin ever complained.

Maybe soul mates really do exist. The thought of someone being made to be by our side is simply intriguing and it made Jongin feel warm inside. Maybe that’s the reason why Kyungsoo came into his life and him into Kyungsoo’s. There were too many maybes and possibilities for Jongin to even give a damn anymore. But amidst the shared laughter and all those times where he would steal glances at Kyungsoo while he worked, Jongin finally acknowledged that he was in love with Kyungsoo.

It was early spring in their final year that Jongin found the strength to confess. Or at least attempt to. Kyungsoo was working on his assignment and Jongin was supposed to be working on his but he has decided long ago that watching Kyungsoo work was worth it. Jongin loved watching Kyungsoo work. He would have this very serious and focused look on his face where his eyebrows would be knitted together and his lips would sometimes move in ways that made Jongin scream internally. He was so in love with the older male it was almost painful.

“Hey, Hyung?”

“Hm?”

“If I… If I said that I’m in love with you, what would you say?” there, he said it. Not exactly a confession, but he said it. Kyungsoo blinked at him with his wide eyes and Jongin couldn’t decipher the look on his face.

“I’d say go find someone else to love.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know how to love. So you shouldn’t waste time on me.”

Jongin knew that Kyungsoo grew up in a place where love was almost non-existent. And Jongin knew his life revolved around the thought that love was just a sugar coated lie. Kyungsoo was a lone diamond stuck between millions of glimmering shards of glass – the shine was hard to distinguish which in the end too many people gave up on trying to find him. But then again, no matter how close you are to one person you will never really know just what they’re going through. You can spend a lifetime next to them and you’ll never know if they’re broken or whole.

“Then I’ll teach you. I’ll teach you how to love.”

The thing about Do Kyungsoo and Kim Jongin is that they don’t need words to affirm each other – their actions speak louder and much clearer. Nothing much has changed after that day but neither dared to mention the three words that lingers heavily between the spaces of their lips. They still went about as they would when they were in high school but the stolen glances and the touches are much more amplified and neither could deny it but neither would admit it. Jongin remembers the stinging jealousy whenever he hangs out with Baekhyun and Chanyeol. He wants to have what they have – he wants Kyungsoo to notice the way he looks at him while he talks, he wants Kyungsoo to smile at him when he’s caught staring, he wants Kyungsoo to return his feelings.

It was half past two in the morning and Jongin was still sitting in the same spot for the past seven hours. The field was still serene as he had remembered it when he came back almost a year ago but it was lonely now, it felt empty. And yet he still comes back every night for the past ten months in hopes Kyungsoo would appear in front of him. He doesn’t know why he does it but deep down he knew Kyungsoo would come. But it’s no lie that Jongin was on the verge of giving up. He had his knees pulled up to his chest and his cheek leaning on them. It was times like these that his mind goes on overdrive and past memories crash in and shot him like bullets.

On a clear night much like that night, senior year of college, Kyungsoo woke him up in the middle of the night. It startled him because Kyungsoo wasn’t the type to wake people up for no absolute reason. And then he found himself sitting on the passenger seat of Kyungsoo’s car still in his pyjamas, wind messing his already tousled hair. He looked over at Kyungsoo for most of the ride and he remembers how carefree his features were that night. He also found himself falling in love with the image of Kyungsoo driving in the dark blankets of the night. He looked mysterious and Jongin didn’t dare ask where they were going.

They stopped in the middle of nowhere – literally. The road came into a dead end and there were no other vehicles, not even the distinct sound of an engine was heard. Kyungsoo muttered a soft “come on” before getting out of the car and walking to the middle of the road before lying down with his hands tucked under his head. All of this made Jongin confused and he hesitantly sat cross-legged next to the older male. Silence enveloped them in a comfortable hug. It was a welcomed gesture both of them needed.

“Why?” Jongin said when Kyungsoo rose and sat up, their knees touched and it made Jongin’s heart skip a beat.

“I don’t know. I guess I just missed stargazing with you.”  That was when Jongin took notice of the sky above them. Funny how life works – we’re so busy focusing on growing up that we forget to pause and look around and take it all in. And once we do, it’s really beautiful and it knocks you off your feet, takes your breath away – much like what Kyungsoo does to Jongin. Kyungsoo may seem like a cold guy who doesn’t care about anything but himself but if one just looks a tad bit harder, they would see what a beautiful soul he really is.

And then Kyungsoo said something about how crazy they were for always sneaking out like this and then Kyungsoo chuckled and then Jongin smiled and it turned into a full blown laughter. It didn’t matter what it was that they found funny, what mattered was the right here right now that nobody knows when they will get back. And then Kyungsoo looked up at the star-littered sky.

“Beautiful,” whispered Kyungsoo which made Jongin turned his attention to the elder and smiled at the sight before him.

“Yeah, beautiful,” said Jongin, his gaze not faltering even when Kyungsoo caught his eyes. Then Kyungsoo’s lips caught his attention and he was suddenly aware of the proximity of their lips. It happened too slow, so agonisingly slow that when their lips finally met Jongin let go of the breath he never realised he was holding. Kyungsoo’s lips were warm against his own, soft to the touch, everything he has ever imagined it to be and he never wanted it to end.

Their lips moved in a clumsy dance never before choreographed and it was hesitant but the need was undeniable. They pulled away eventually when the need of oxygen overcame their senses. Their foreheads were stuck to each other, eyes locked and breaths mingling. They stayed that way – two teenage boys so very in love with each other where one was too scared to admit and the other too closed up to realise.

In that moment, they were just two boys. Misunderstood. Misjudged. A distorted image of teenagers hand painted by society. A little bit too young to give a damn. Maybe a little too broken in places where they should’ve been whole. And maybe the ugly truth is that we are all – in different ways – broken. And we are all secretly waiting for that one person who will be our ultimate salvation. Jongin just hoped he could be Kyungsoo’s.

The thing about Do Kyungsoo and Kim Jongin is that they were never good with words and so there was never a solid explanation of where they were standing, of what they really are. They waltzed around the fine line between love and just friends. One day they would be all touches and whispers and the next they would be just Jongin and Kyungsoo, like nothing ever happened in the first place. Kyungsoo would always be the first to pull away much too soon and it was starting to get on Jongin’s nerves.

Two days before graduation was when Jongin lost his cool.

“What are we?” he asked Kyungsoo one day.

“What do you mean?”

“Cut it, Hyung. I’m so done with you trying to act as if nothing is going on between us.”

“So what do you want me to do then?”

“I’m in love with you, damn it! Is that so hard for you to notice? You know what, if this is how you’re going to act, fine. Find me once you’ve figured out what you want but until then you can continue to ignore me.”

That was the last he ever saw of Kyungsoo. He left right after the graduation ceremony ended. Perhaps it was a selfish move, but he was already sick and tired of their charade. Jongin went back to the neighbourhood where he grew up in, where he first met Kyungsoo, where it all started. He wants Kyungsoo to find him here because if they were to start it all over again it was here.

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The clock on his bedside table read half past two when Kyungsoo sat up in his old bed. Realisation hit him in a hard slap which had him scrambling to his feet to his door. He didn’t even think about changing into much more presentable attire because this time he was sure where Jongin would be. He barely managed to put on his shoes as he bolted outside and ran northwest of where his parents’ house stood. Thirty minutes. He needed thirty minutes.

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The stars were beautiful and it was something not everyone has the privilege to see. His watch blinked 03:05 and Jongin sighed. Perhaps it was time to let go. Perhaps they weren’t meant to be together. Perhaps it was just a wishful thinking that Kyungsoo would find him there. He sketched a beautiful scene in where everything fell right into place but perhaps not everything goes as we planned. With a heavy heart he stood up and took in his surroundings for one last time. Tomorrow he would leave this town, he would leave everything behind and he will miss it but he had to.

The sight before him when he turned around to leave almost had his composure crumbling to the ground.

“H- Hyung…”

Kyungsoo was a hot mess and he was panting hard as he walked cautiously to the dumbstruck man in front of him. He stopped about three feet away, afraid that he may be intruding Jongin’s space. Silence stretched in between that space and it was deafening. Jongin wanted Kyungsoo to speak, to say anything.

“I figured it out. I know what I want now,” Kyungsoo said when his eyes found Jongin’s.

“And?”

“It’s you. It’s always been you. And I’m sorry it took me too long but please, we can start again. We can hold hands and we can kiss and we can fall in love. We can-“ Kyungsoo’s words got cut off by a pair of lips he has been missing for far too long. He wove his fingers through Jongin’s hair and relished how the soft strands feel against his touch. It was beautiful.

The thing about Do Kyungsoo and Kim Jongin is that they need very little words to affirm each other that neither would leave ever again. They know it in their hearts that what they had was real and it wasn’t something that they would ever let go again. Both of them knew that it won’t be perfect all the way but the reassurance they need was there in front of their eyes. And that was much better than the scene Jongin had wished for.

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