The feeling felt so surreal. Everything around me felt so surreal that I came to a point where I was doubting about me and my surroundings. 

People keep telling me to face the reality but what if I say..that I am facing it. I don't care when they call me delusional, crazy and weird. I am who I am now.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I shouldn't be like this. I used to be happy, lively and the thing I am missing so much. I used to be loved. 
To be loved by that one person. Shu Jin. My boyfriend. Yes. I keep telling everyone that he is my boyfriend even though they tell me otherwise. That I am a widow and should accept that.

I am not a widow. I am a widow if we were married and he's death but he isn't. He's alive and nobody but me believes in that.
My parents send me to the therapist where we talk. Talk about my health and progress. 

I just don't know if it actually help because there is no progress for so far. My health can be considered as good but sometimes...sometimes I see him. I feel him. Just like now.

I can feel his touch so clearly on me. His fingertips trailing on my left cheek while his deer eyes are staring so deeply into my eyes. It's surreal. The feeling of this.

I am not supposed to see him. But why...am I seeing him and feeling him ? It scares me so much. But the feeling is so good.

''Yonnie-ah, I love you.'' His voice is so clear that I just don't want to believe the reality. Is this real or is this not real ? Is he really touching me or is he not touching me ? 

I felt something wet rolling down on my left cheek and I knew. The tears I thought I was holding in were coming out. 

''Why are you crying ? I am here. I am always here.'' He said with his angelic voice. I slightly shook my head. 

No. He's not here. It's fake. But what if it's real and that accident was all...an nightmare. A scary nightmare.

''Shu Jin-ah, why do you keep appearing ?'' I said softly as I heard my own voice cracking when I asked him the question that budged me the most. Maybe this is the reality. Maybe, just maybe.

I saw him smiling faintly at me before he pulled himself closer to me, feeling his lips on my forhead I closed my eyes.

Yes..maybe this is the reality and tomorrow, I wake up. In his arms. 

***

''Sweety, can't we just...'' I stood still at the room of my parents as I heard them talking. I held my breath in and waited for my mother to continue her sentence. The reason why I am here. I woke up in the middle of the night because I wanted a glass of water when suddenly, I noticed Shu Jin wasn't there. Again, hope got me. Hope got me to believe that Shu Jin is alive. But he isn't.

It's obvious that I am a wreck. That I am delusional but somehow. I can't accept the reality and I don't want to. 
At times, I am just happy. Happy to have him right besides me, just like a while ago.

''can't we move back to Korea ?'' I held my breath in when my mom finally finished her sentence. It felt like it was the longest sentence I have ever heard. I could feel my heart pounding against my chest.

I could feel a breakdown coming because my legs felt so weak right now. I placed my hands on my lips, trying to make no sounds. The tears already spilled out and I walked in a fast pace to my room as I closed it so quietly. 

Not wanting to shock my parents that I actually overheard their conversation. Leaning against my door with my back, I let out soft sounds of sobbing that I couldn't do.

The reality hit me once again hard in the face. I became a wreck that my parents considered leaving Taiwan. They became this desperate to make me good to considered these thoughts. 

Me on the other hand couldn't just let it go like this. No. I want to stay here, not leaving the side of Shu Jin. 

''Why is it unfair. Why ?'' I asked myself in soft mumbles. Fate...indeed has a way to break down a person.

''Yonnie, we should go home.'' My mom said to me while I was still dressed in my white clothes, sitting next to his bed. My right arm was casted and I got a bandage wrapped around my head. I was in a coma for two - three weeks and in those weeks, he died. 

That is what they told me but I didn't believe them. It was not fair that they took him away from me. Why couldn't they save him like how they saved me? Why was it so unfair? I can't move on without him even though this will be the beginning of my road without him. 

''Yonnie..'' My father called out my name but I didn't budge. I kept staring blankily at the empty bed. The bed where he was supposed to lay in but his body was long gone.

I heard a sigh escaping my father's lip. He couldn't help me, neither could mom. If only they knew how much I am hurting right now.

If only they knew how I am in the state to die only to be with him..in heaven.

''Yonnie-ah, wake up. Why did you slept on the floor ?'' I saw my mother smiling gently at me, trying to hide the hurt, the pain she actually feels inside. I know she is trying. Just looking in her eyes tells enough.

The sparks they usually have were long gone. The smile that could reach her eyes were gone and the way she talks, the gentle angelic voice of my mom. Has been gone since the day I had lost Shu Jin. 

That someone like him had to be gone and left such a great impact on me. How we started off as strangers and how we became friends with the same mutual feelings. 
I never thought that at my age I became this heartbroken because of a guy. At the age of only seventeen, I had to pull my parents allong with me and go through the hardships, obstacles I am facing right now.

''Yonnie-ah, I know it's hard but please don't cry. Y-you know I-I can't stand w-watching you l-like this.'' I looked up at my mom and saw my own reflection in her eyes. I could see I was crying. Crying in the early morning.

I saw a tear escaping my mom's left eye corner. It hurts that my mom is suffering because of me. Something I never itended to do. 

''I'm..sorry mom. I'm so so sorry.'' I said while the tears just streamed down my cheeks. Feeling my mom's around me, I hid my face in the crook of her neck. 

''Yonnie-ah. I said sorry okay...please forgive me, hmm ? You know how much it hurts me to see you crying. You know that if the reason behind those tears is me that I hate myself. Hate myself for not being able to make you smile all the time.'' Shu Jin said to me as I kept on crying. His fingertips were busy with brushing away the tears but new ones kept coming out. 

''Please forgive your silly oppa.'' He said