Jaeyi's

March.
It has been 5 months since i had seen him.
Only 5 months? I felt worst.
I tried to return back to the cheerful me in the past, but now it had became a mask. A mask that let my friends know that i am alright, let them know that i am not missing him.
But it was a mask.
I became to love sleeping. I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare. 
I took out my diary and started writing,

Dear Jongin, 
                          
Do you still remember when i first ran into you?
Do you still remember the first time you held me? 
Do you still remember when you hugged me and left me crying while you ran up the bus? 
You don't, but i do. 
I remembered everything we did together.
I miss those days.
Why didn't i realize you were in love with her, and not me, all along? 
I see you walking further and further away from me, that is what aches me.
The moment i shut my eyes, the image of you two getting close together came to my eyes. 
It is so difficult to forget.
I can't promise i will forget you soon.
I can't promise i will not miss you anymore.
It had been 2 years, i kept that feelings to myself for 2 years, is it wrong for me to spill out the feelings to you?
Everytime i see you, my speech became incoherent.
Everytime i see you, i do not know what to do.
The feelings of butterflies my stomach, i miss those feelings, those feelings that got me hyped up.
Must i let go these feelings? Can't i turn back time and return to those days?
I wonder if i would like others as much as i like you, this deep, this fluttering.
Please tell me you're happy, at least that is the only thing i would wish for.
 
“They say when you are missing someone that they are probably feeling the same, but I don't think it's possible for you to miss me as much as I'm missing you right now.” 

Jongin's
I awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day my heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon i was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for me, and by the desire to be alone. By evening i was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of my grief, alone in my aimless guilt, alone even in my loneliness. I am not sad, i would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if i might one day convince myself. Or fool myself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that i am sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. I would fall asleep with my heart at the foot of my bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of me at all. And each morning i would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon i was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.

Struggling, I held out a piece of paper and scribbled, 
I wished i could be by your side right now. Be with you till the end of the world.
But how am i supposed to approach you, knowing that you might not be in love with me anymore? 


Flashback( ONE WEEK AFTER RESULT DAY)

"Jongin..." 
"Yes Sehun?"
"I know about it." 
"Sehun, look i am really sorry, i don't mean to lie-"
"No, it is not your fault, i shouldn't have make that ridiculous request. But i was spot on, she was in love with you and you too..."
"Sehun..."
"I am fine, all i want right now is for her to be happy, go chase after her."
I shook my head reluctantly, "I have Soojung right now, you forgot?"
"You don't love her-"
"I can't hurt someone again, yes i don't