M i r a c l e s   i n

 D E C E M B E R

Kyungsoo looks around the place. It somehow reflects what he’s feeling right now.

Empty.

He quickly shuffles to the bedroom. He opens the door half expecting someone to greet him. But no one ever did. Instead, a cold draft courses over his face, and then nothing. The bedroom looks more daunting than the previous room, except for the fact that this used to have a life.

It wasn’t his bedroom. It was their bedroom.

He absentmindedly looked at the bed and saw phantoms of two figures playing under the sheet. A taller guy wrestling a smaller pale one. Their laughter permeated the wall that hid them from the world.

                  ~Struggling to find you, who I cannot see.

                                ~While trying to listen to you who I cannot hear.

Kyungsoo gently walks past the bed and opens the cabinet. He’s been meaning to collect his stuff, but a lot has happened lately. He stares at the amount of clothes inside it. He knows it’s not all his.

He feels a tug in his heart telling him it’s okay to linger. That it’s okay to let the clothes in front of him just stay the way they are. Mixed with each other.

The taller boy never bothered arranging his garments separate from Kyungsoo’s. Saying it didn’t matter as they were living together. He figured since forever was where they were headed, why worry about these trivial things?

                ~I can now see the things I couldn’t see before.

                                ~I can now hear the things I’ve been deaf to.

He shrugs and sifts to the pile in front of him. As if he knew by instinct what to take and what to leave behind. Halfway through he stops. He looks at the bag he was stuffing and a sudden pang bites him.

He wasn’t packing his stuff. He was packing his.

He backs away. Distracted by the fact that what he was doing should’ve been easy enough. Grab his clothes and leave. His legs hit the side of the bed and he falls to it nonchalantly. He’s now sitting on the edge of the bed with a familiar feel. He’s been sitting like this several times before. Looking at someone pace the room back and forth as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

But where is this person now? Why can’t he be here and show Kyungsoo that what he’s seeing is real and not just animated recollections.

                ~After you left, I discovered a power I didn’t have before.

He supresses the impulse to remember everything he’s been hiding away. He grips the sheets under him as he closes his eyes and wishes the memories to stay away. He fights back.

Somehow a struggle like this feels better. He wasn’t arguing with anyone else, instead he was talking back to himself. It feels better than to what he’s been doing when two people used to live in the apartment.

He could still hear their last argument. Kyungsoo now thinks how petty he was for not trusting him. He who promised the world to him. He who turned his back on everyone and everything he knew so that he could be with Kyungsoo.

                ~The selfish me who only thought about myself.

                                ~The unmindful me who didn’t care about what you felt.

He gathers himself and stands up. He places the clothes back neatly in a pile and just decides to give up. He closes the cabinet door only to face himself in the mirror. A lot has changed. He studies his eyes, his lips, his cheeks. Someone used to do that for him.

When did he become so unfeeling? When did he let go of the Kyungsoo who was cheerful and untroubled? When did he become the person who is looking back at him right now?

He decides that he needs to find this part of him that he lost. His lip twitches into a weak smile as he surveys the room one final time. It wouldn’t be the same.

He closes the door behind him.

Kyungsoo is back in the living room. He steps warily into the kitchen. He runs his fingers on top of the counter. How is it that he still smells the last thing he cooked for the person he loved?

He bites his lips and silently makes his way to the front door. He takes one last look at the apartment before he leaves. He came here earlier to collect his stuff, but now he thinks that the place needs it more than he does. He knows that the memories enduring in that place will be happier if he leaves it as it is.

                ~I cannot believe that I changed this much.

                                ~You’re love still moves me like this.

He locks the door and puts his hands on his jacket pocket. He looks up at the sky and senses that snow will be falling soon. He resists the urge to go to his car and just decides to walk just this once. This one important trip he’s doing for someone.

The streets around the neighbourhood looked less busy this time of the year. It’s been 6 years since he first got acquainted with the locals. He remembers how young they were that time. How eager both of them were to get this apartment for themselves.

Kyungsoo can still see the affectionate boy he fell in love with, running towards him in the street. His hair effortlessly dancing as the wind blew against it. His eyes smiling wildly than he ever could. His ears that stood out from the rest of his handsome face. And his lips. Those lips that made him say ‘yes.' The same lips that locked on his own and forced himself to open up to a new world he never knew existed. The lips that compelled them to violate their beliefs.

It was around this time as well, when the doors slammed on their faces when they asked for their family’s blessings. Eversince, they became two solitary people, disowned. Yet they still felt complete. They now have each other.

The only tell-tale that this new start scared the other person was when Kyungsoo would see him crying in the balcony as the world turned around below them. He saw this as a weakness, and they would sometimes fight because of this. Not until the first snow dropped, did they manage to cope with the reality that it was just them now. And nothing else seemed to matter anymore.

Kyungsoo snaps back to reality as he stops dead on his tracks. He felt something brush his pale cheeks. It was cold. He touched his skin and saw that it was wet. He looked up and saw the only thing that can make him smile right now.

It was starting to snow.

                ~If I think about it, I can fill the world with only you.

                                ~Because one snowflake means one teardrop from your eyes.

Kyungsoo gingerly brushes his hair as he remembers how it was when the other guy used to do it. He puts hands back to his pocket and drearily continues walking.

How is it that he seemed to have forgotten what they both fought for? How they spent their nights laughing and whispering sweet-nothings in each other’s ears, until they fall asleep embracing the night. Their promises for each other extending to the night sky as the moon, erudite in its beauty, lay witness to their young love.

Did he not fight for their love enough? Was Kyungsoo the one who pushed him away? What could he have done to have him back in his arms again? He guesses he’ll never know the answer.

                ~One thing I can’t do, is make you come back to me.

                                ~I wish I didn’t have this power.

He was nearing his destination. Snow now covers the cobbled walkway. A few people passed his way. Some familiar, some new. He curtly bows to the ones he did know, making sure not to strike a conversation by walking past them as soon he bowed. He doesn’t have the heart to talk about what happened to anyone right now.

It pains him to recall how the older boy completed him. How he wished he never had to leave his side even for just a moment. Kyungsoo wanted to drown in his dark brown eyes, to revel in his deep voice that sent shivers down his spine everytime he whispers his name.

He slapped his cheeks. He regretted a lot of things in his life and now is not the time to get too preoccupied with it. He’s got a lot on his plate right now. Business meetings will start tomorrow. He still needed to go over a joint venture proposal that has been sitting on his table for a week.

But somehow, being in this familiar place, he wants to drop everything and be the child whom he let go a long time ago. He wanted to be the child who embraced the waist of his giant. He wanted the familiar square chin to rest on his head as his chest vibrated to the laughter they used to share. His scent. His smile. His imperfections.

                ~I want to turn back the hands of time,

                                ~As I turn to the page where I first saw you.

He’s almost there. A few more steps and he’ll be face to face with him again. Should he run? Or will that betray him too much? Will it show how desperate he is? He decides to slow down.

The taller guy seemed to always have the answer to situations like these. Right now, Kyungsoo can’t help but think how his cheeks will flush a crazy tinge of pink when the other guy laughs at how pathetic he thought himself to be at this moment. But he shouldn’t care. He wants to lean on someone right now. He wants someone to tell him everything’s going to be fine.

                ~I see us together again,

                                ~And you loved me despite my weaknesses.

                                                ~You changed my world, you changed me.

                                                                ~I didn’t know love was something to be thankful for.

                                                                                ~And simply regarded it another countless feeling.

A couple more steps, he thought to himself. He combs his short raven-black hair with his fingers, shaking off the snow that had settled on it. He pats his jacket and jeans. Did he look okay?

He stops walking yet again and laughs at himself. What was he worried about?

                ~I fix myself everyday to the person you always wanted me to be.

                                ~This love will go on forever.

Kyungsoo takes the few steps between him and the person he most wanted to see. The white snow paints everything a shade better. It envelopes everything, hiding whatever flaws it had. As if telling him that miracles do happen.

So now, there he stands, just like the very first day they met. It was magical, he was his prince, a knight in shining armour. Ready to sweep Kyungsoo off his feet and bring him to a faraway castle where they could live happily.

                ~I’m here again, together with you.

                                ~You who I met that snowy day.

Kyungsoo walks forward, shaking. Anxious. He smiles. But his eyes were sad. He feels his cheek were wet again. It wasn’t snow this time, because it was warm. It was his tears. He was crying.

Everything became blurry all of a sudden. He gasped and almost tripped on something. He was sure that the person whom he’s seeing today will catch him. Just like the day he fell for him.

Thud.

He falls on his knees.  He gasps as the pain shoots up to his thighs. He waits to hear the other person say something, anything. But all he hears is his sobbing. His breathing becomes irregular. He clasps at his chest trying so much to fight the sadness that was slowly consuming him. It was overwhelming

“I-I’m here. I’m here Chanyeol. Like I promised you I would.”

But all that greeted him back was silence, and a small grey marble that had his lovers name engraved on it.

             ~I’m still struggling to find you, who I cannot see.

                                ~I’m still trying to listen to you, who I cannot hear.

 All Kyungsoo wanted was for December to grant him one last miracle. Was he asking for too much?

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oosuɐɥɔ is love