“So he left and you just let him?” The voice on the other side of phone ringing in my ear.

“Yeah, I can’t keep him in place that he doesn’t want, Mrs. Lee. He’s not a 5 years old kid.” I answer her calmly while scanning at the files of new patient in my hand.

“He’s just a little boy, and he’s…unstable. He needs help, Gayoon-ah. And you’re the best that I know.” I feel her voice soften. I just can sigh, part of me regretting why I agreed to help her before. I should’ve just refuse…but the thing is I would never be able to refuse what this woman proposed. God, if only she’s not the Minister of Education who also happen to be one of my lecturer back in the college.

“And I’ll be glad if I can help. But Mrs. Lee, we can’t force him to do something that he doesn’t want. It will be bad for him.”

“So what do you suggest?”

“I suggest you to talk to him first. Give understanding. Once he’s ready, I’ll be glad to help.”

Two days later I found myself again facing that spoiled kid. He’s sitting casually in front of me. There’s no table that distances us. I open the folder of his files as I start to talk at him.

“Your previous doctor gives you meds, right?” He just muttered a small “hmm.”

“Did you take it routinely?”

“Nope.” He said coldly.

“Why?”

“Are you kidding me? I’m not stupid. Swallowing that thing makes me numb.” He scoffed.

“Okay…I can get you something more safe later.” I said. He seems displeased with my words. A few second later his voice raisen.

“What? Don’t you dare to give me any goddamn pills! Listen, just so you know…I’m not here to take this session willingly. I’m here because they practically threaten me.”

“Really? How?” I chuckled.

“They won’t let me go to college if I don’t get treatment.” He said slowly. I wanna laugh that time. It is a cute answer.

“Wow, it works for you?”

“I need to go to college. I have to.”

“Why? Why college becomes so important for you?”

“Because that’s the only way I can’t get out of that house.” He said. I noticed how that pair of deep black eyes show determination.

“Okay…listen, Howon…I can call you Howon, right?”

“Call me Hoya.” He said coldly.

“Hoya?”

“My friends call me that way.”

“Okay, cool. Hoya…I know our first meeting didn’t go well, but I want you to know that I’m not here to give treatment. I’m here to get to know you. To be your friend.” I speak calmly. His first reaction is let out a scoff.

“Bull, I don’t care what kind of terminology that you will choose, but I know…you think I’m sick. All those stack of crappy files saying that I’m sick and I need help. I know you will choose very clever words to makes me feel better, because that’s what you guys do. That’s what doctor do. Examining people through files, experimenting and judging how to fix them like they are a broken toy. Then you guys, will keep telling me, ‘it’s okay…tell me how it feels…’, well I’m telling you…this is stupid.” He said. To be honest his reaction is not really surprising for me.

“Woah…you speak well. Okay, let’s forget all these crappy files. It’s nothing.” I closed the folder and throw them at the trash can calmly. He seems look at me in dazed. Never thought that I’m gonna do that. I slightly open my office’s door and calling my secretary’s name.

“Hyorin-ah..can you call the ahjussi downstair. I need him to clean the trash bin and burn it all.”

Then I back to my chair and Hoya still look at me dumbfounded. I smiles before I start talking and looking at his deep-black eyes.

“Hoya, you’re so smart. Really smart. I won’t lie. That’s what we do. Doctors used confusing terminology to make them looks cool. It’s annoying, right? You’re right…I think you are a broken toy. The thing is, we all are. Everyone is. We all need fixing. That’s why even though you don’t like it, I’ll keep saying ‘it’s okay’ to you. Because it really is.” I saw his hands forming a fist. He looked down. He takes a deep breathe, like just suppressing something inside his head.

“You’re angry, I know it. And it’s okay. People can get angry anytime. But can you just answer me one question? What are you angry at?” It’s hard to see his face because he’s looking down right now. There’s a paused for a minute and we do nothing but remain silent. Then he lifts his face, I notice how he’s getting paler and his eyes are clouded by shimmering water. And I don’t know why but I feel weird. And suddenly I feel guilty. Maybe I pushed him too far.

“It’s not my fault that Woohyun-hyung dead.” He said. I do nothing but stare at him. This figure looks so innocence, beautiful…and fragile.

“He’s the one who’s dead, but why I have to feel like I’m dying too? It’s not my fault that he shot himself. Funny, they treat me like I was the one who pull the trigger.”

“Hoya…” I tried to stop him, but he keeps talking.

“It hurts me. At first I thought to keep it by myself. Because I don’t want them to freak out if they know. But then they tell me it’s okay, they said they’re not gonna leave me. I can tell them what I see that night. I told them everything. But they react worse than the worst imagine. They treat me like a monster now. Like I’m sick and it’s contagious. Am I that bad?” He chuckled.

“They’re just worried. And afraid.”

“Yeah…afraid of me.” He scoffed. And he keeps silent for another minutes.

“What about you? Do you feel afraid of yourself too?” I asked.

“What?”

“Because I get the feeling that you do, Hoya. That’s why you’re torturing yourself like that.”

His eyes widened, like he was in shocked. I can’t help but feel worried as he starts to shiver. His breathe is getting harder and I saw him gripping at his left wrist, covering dried cut marks that left in there. He’s breaking down as the tears rolled down at his pale face.

I have seen patients got panic attack many times, so it’s not really surprising for me. But in Hoya’s case…it’s just feels weird. He was a sassy and wicked young boy a few minutes ago, and suddenly now he turns into a vulnerable figure that seems like will shattered when you touch him.

“Hey…Hoya…” I call him softly as I hold his hands. He’s startled a bit, but then he stops trembling. He looks up at me and I have the urge to wipe those tears off from his face, before he roughly wipes it himself.

“Breathe…just breathe...okay.” He breathes easier and starts to calm down. I keep holding his cold hands until he finally calmed down minutes later.

“Does it happen often?” I asked. He nodded weakly.

“Is it so scary?” I asked again.

“Yeah…because I’m alone. Because they left.” He said sadly. I smiled at him before stands up goes to the drawer in the corner of my room. I feel his eyes following my steps as I’m looking for something in the drawer.

“Hoya, do you like music?” I asked out of the blue

“Eh? I do….”

“What music do you like to listen?”

“There’s a lot…I can’t tell them one by one.”

“Do you learn Japanese on your school?”

“Yeah…”

I smiled when finally I found what I’m looking for. I turn around, walk towards him and hand him the box.

“Take it.”

“What is it?”

“Someone gives it to me long time ago. Listen to the last track. Once I hear it, I keep remember it. And even when I’m alone…it doesn’t feel bad. It makes me feel better. And it makes me not afraid of myself.”

“I can have it?”

“Yeah…I have the copy already.”

“I’m not sure I’m gonna like it anyway. From your appearance, it seems like you have a weird taste of music.” He said back in the cold voice.

“Let’s bet then…50.000 won.” I . And he smiles. I’ve seen a lot of smiles. But his smile seems so genuine. Maybe because I saw him cried a moment later…now when he’s smiling I feel like tears should never appear on that face again. Never.

23^rd February 2012, was the first time I saw Lee Howon smiles sincerely. It was beautiful. And till now I still can’t forget that smile.

I found myself alone in my office, Hoya just leaves about 5 minutes ago. I sigh and smile as my hand reaching the second drawer of my desk. I take my mp3 out of there, putting the earplug while my finger pressing the button, looking for the track I want to hear.

I found it. The last track.

Smile by Bump of Chicken starts playing. I closed my eyes and smiles.

When you have forgotten your heart's location, you'll go search for it inside the mirror
When the words you grumbled grow cold
You'll pick them up, and hold them to warm them up
You'll send them to the person reflected in the mirror

 

The fact that these dear things, were dear to you
The fact that your eyes are now swollen and red, and that your voice has cracked
The person reflected in the mirror knows it all

If you can still see, still hear. Shed tears, and feel hungry
That's because the person reflected in the mirror protected you

No matter how much you hate them, doubt them, or keep them away from you
The person reflected in the mirror is your ally

 

The fact that these people dear to your heart were dear to your heart
These things you wanted to say, these things you couldn't say
You're together with the person reflected in the mirror

"I miss you..."