v

I love Chaerin. I really do. She is, after all, my best friend, and had been ever since high school. But right now, I was having real trouble loving her, or even seeing her as that friend, when she invited Choi Seunghyun to her wedding without informing me. Well, today wasn’t exactly her wedding yet. Just rehearsal. Still, she could have told me I’d see the jerk in the flesh so I would have been prepared. I would have mustered to get a rein of my annoyance over his presence.

Why Seunghyun was even here was beyond my comprehension. I mean after ten years of not hearing anything from him, he came back? I understand that he’s friends with Chaerin too, not to mention the groom, Seungri, who he had been buddies with from high school. But like I’ve said, it had been ten years. A decade! Not once did he return to visit Chaerin. Or Seungri. Or even his grandmother who greatly ached for him (and I know this because I spent the last ten years dropping in on her at the nursing home on weekends).

Or how about me? The one he had sworn to write to right before he left for America. But did he? After three letters, he never wrote back anything again. Even after he returned to Korea and stayed in Seoul for nearly a month now, did he pop round the town for a visit? No. Not even for one damn second.

Jerk.

And now he’s here. Mr. Hotshot in a dashing ensemble of expensive clothes and a flipping badass sports car.  What was he even trying to prove here? That he had clearly made a stellar evolution with his life while we, in this little town of Gimcheon, had maintained our lackluster lives?

Well, excuse me, but I didn’t think for one second that our lives here were lackluster. We enjoyed the simplicity. We knew what we had and we were content with it.

“Okay, guys, can you excuse me and Bom for a minute?” I jumped a little from where I stood when I heard my name. Chaerin, lips pressed to a grim line, sauntered towards my way and then viciously tugged me to the back of the church, which was a good five meters away from everybody else.

“What?” I asked to satisfy my curiosity.

“What the heck are you doing?”

“What was I doing?”

Chaerin crossed her arms over her chest, looking unmistakably annoyed. “You’re ruining my wedding rehearsal.”

My mouth hung open in shock. “How in the world was I accomplishing that?”

“By not paying attention and just glaring at Seunghyun?”

Her allegation startled me more. I knew I had been having hostile thoughts about the guy not too long ago, but had I been really glaring at him?

I took a subtle glance his way. And how I wished I didn’t. Then I wouldn’t be more irritated at the sight of him joking around with Seungri. How could he act so relaxed? Like he didn’t hurt somebody and that somebody was still carrying the big bag of hurt after ten years!

I groaned, my shoulders sagging, hating myself for feeling so bitter when I shouldn’t. Seunghyun had obviously moved on. Forgotten about me. Forgotten about his promise. I should do the same.

If only I had some acceptable closure. Answers I needed to hear from him.

“Why did you even invite him?” I asked Chaerin accusingly. “You know I hate him.”

She snorted. “You don’t hate him. You’re angry but you don’t hate him. And I invited him because I wanted him to be at my wedding. And look, he’s here. Isn’t that exciting? This is also like a reunion of some sorts for the four of us. You know, since we’re high school friends and all that.”

“But he hadn’t even made any attempt at all in the past ten years to reconnect with us. How’s that for a friend?”

Chaerin bit her lower lip, her excited mood completely turning around. “Uh…well, uhm, I’ve sort of been in touch with him actually...”

My eyes dilated, utterly surprised at her revelation. “You what?”

“Oh, Bom,” she whimpered, “please don’t make a big deal about it. It’s not—”

I didn’t let her finish. Nose flaring and eyes burning from rage, I stomped to where Seunghyun was. He noted my expression as I neared him but he didn’t flinch in fear. In fact, he stood up straighter, his shoulders squaring in overconfidence, which just made the aim to wreak my wrath at him more intense. More solidified.

Jerk.

“Whatever I did to you to stop writing back to me?” I began, voice roaring in fury. I didn’t have to look around to know that all eyes were on me and him now. “Because I may not be as smart as you were, but I clearly don’t remember saying anything in my last letter to upset you.”  Morsels of that letter stirred in my head. Some parts may have been fuzzy now, but I would never forget the most important one.  The one he had always yearned to hear from me. The one he had always longed for me to feel back for him. “I told you I loved you. Wasn’t that what you wanted? Which is why I don’t get up to now why you had to just stop talking to me out of the blue.” But as if some light of reasoning had quickly shone upon me, I took back what I last said. “Oh, you know what, I totally get it now. Every goddamn thing was a lie, weren’t they? All those sweet things you had said to me? They’re all lies, right? The flowers, the notes, our dates….and that promise?” I took a huge, deep breath. Or more like of an exhausted sigh. “That promise you made me believe and hope for actually meant…nothing.” Realization kicked me in the gut and I felt tears falling fast out of the corner of my eyes. “I’m such a fool…and I can’t believe I’ve carried this pain for ten years. Clearly for nothing.”

Devoid of anything further to say, or intent to hear Seunghyun’s retort, I treaded out of the church as fast as I could.

 

iv

I hung out at my room, not realizing I’ve been lying on my bed for almost an hour now. My mom rapped at my door, asking me if I was okay. She must have heard what happened. Not wanting her to worry, and not wanting to go over that episode again with her, I simply told her I was fine.

But of course I wasn’t.  I was grumbling and tossing and turning on my bed from the thought of what I did at the church badgering my head. Why did I have to blow up like that? It wasn’t like me to do that. I’ve always been level-headed. Then again I wasn’t able to help it either, could I? Chaerin divulging she’d been in contact with Seunghyun and I lost my temper.

Admittedly, it was the kick of envy. So he was talking to her and not me? Who else had he been in contact with here in Gimcheon? Was it everyone but me?

Jerk. Jerk, jerk, jerk.

“Alright. So you’re okay to take a visitor?” my mom followed up. “Because you have one.”

I bolted up from the bed, ran to the door and opened it. “Who is it?”

My heart pounded inside my chest, making breathing a little strenuous. Please let it not be the person I didn’t want to see right now.

“Seungri,” my mother said, and I sighed in relief.

“Okay.” I climbed down the flight of stairs, noting Seungri perched on the sofa. He was agitated, I could tell as his left leg wiggled mechanically, hysterically. Obviously, something happened. Something bad.

“Hey, is everything alright?” I asked when I made the last step and walked toward the spot next to him.

Seungri turned to me and his worried expression became much more discernible. “Chaerin’s missing.”

“What?”

He started to illuminate, hands brandishing frenziedly in front of him. “Not more than a minute when you walked out of rehearsal, she did, too. I…I thought she was just going to follow you. I thought you’re just both outside the church, talking. So…so after ten minutes, when you two weren’t back inside yet, I thought I’d check on you. Only to find that both of you weren’t there. I tried to contact her, but…but she isn’t answering her phone. Did she try to call you or something?”

I was deeply reeling from astonishment from what I just heard, but I managed to shake my head and responded with, “No.”

Oh, my God. Chaerin’s getting married tomorrow and she’s missing?

Seungri went on. “I went around town, been to places I know she would hang out at, but I can’t find her.” Then he ran his hand all over his face, perhaps trying to swipe out the marks of frustration that appeared there. But if anything, the gesture just made them more palpable. More severe.

Had this been my fault? For ruining the rehearsal?

Shoot. I instantly slapped my forehead when the answer cropped up in my head. “I’m so sorry, Seungri. Listen, I’m going to find Chaerin, okay?”

“But where? How?” Seungri asked as I scrambled to my feet to get out of the house. “God, this town is small and I can’t find my future wife!”

I can. Because I had a feeling that she’s not really missing; she’s just hiding.

“Just keep calling her, okay?” I pressed before I completely left, bracing for a sudden search mission for my friend.

 

iii

I was right; Chaerin wasn’t missing. Seungri just didn’t know where exactly to look for her.

At the corn field.

It had been our secret hang-out since freshman year. Ten steps from the signage that says, “Welcome to Gimcheon,” ten steps to the left, and then another ten steps to the right.

Nobody except for Chaerin and I knew how we’ve been loafing around the corn field, at that particular spot where we cut a bunch of corns to make way for our  space, for nearly half of our lives. It was our place.

“Chaerin.” Her back was against me, head bowed down. When she turned around to meet me, her eyes and nose were puffy and red. Evidently from crying. I loped to where she stood and embraced her as I reached her. “I’m so sorry Chaerin. I didn’t mean to mess up the rehearsal. Let’s just go back and get it over with the way it should be, okay? Come on.”

Her head shook frantically from left to right.

No? To going back or to my apology? Wanting to find out more about what the gesture was all for, I pulled apart from her. “What?”

“Bom, I’m…I’m sorry,” she sobbed, and this behavior of hers had me quite taken aback. I’ve never seen her in this state before. Which meant she must be hurting bad. Real bad. But from what? And why was she apologizing to me when the disaster that was the wedding rehearsal was all my fault? “I made…I made a terrible mistake,” she added.

My brows furrowed in immense confusion. “What are you talking about, Chae?”

But by then, another voice emerged, putting Chaerin’s answer to a halt.

“What is this place?”

Seunghyun.

Frowning, I swiveled to face him. “What are you doing here?  And if it couldn’t be any more obvious, it’s a corn field.”

He rolled his eyes. “Chaerin texted me to meet her here. I didn’t know you’d be here, too.”

I fought the urge to seethe. I would not give him the satisfaction that he got to me.

My gaze swung to Chaerin’s, one that etched bewilderment all over it. “Is this true?”

She nodded her tearful face. “Yes. Because there’s something I want to confess to both of you.”

If she wasn’t a blubbering mess and looking definitely wretched at the moment, I would have scolded her for letting Seunghyun in at our place.

Of all people!

“What is it?” Seunghyun asked, his demeanor changing to a concerned one as he marched nearer to Chaerin and patted her on the back. He became a little nearer to me as well that the musk of his cologne drifted to my nostrils.

I felt instantly nostalgic. It was the same scent he had from high school. I had loved his smell, though I had never admitted that to him when he had been courting me.

But I refused to digress. This whole situation we were in now was all about Chaerin. Not him. Or me. Or us.

Wait, there was no us. There had never been us.

“It was my fault,” Chaerin began, struggling to fight the sobs from breaking out so perhaps she could do this so-called confession with smoothness. But ended up failing. Massively. “Bom, when you asked me to mail the last letter for Seunghyun, I…I didn’t mail it. I mean I did send one, but it wasn’t that letter. It was one where I tried to imitate your handwriting and…and said that you didn’t love Seunghyun…that you never did…and that he should never…ever…write to you again.”

My knees almost gave in, shock ruling every fiber of my being. But I didn’t fall. I refused to.

Was she being serious? This must be a joke…right?

Chaerin went on, her snivels getting slightly louder. “That’s why…that’s why you never heard from him after that.” Then she brought herself down on her knees, grabbing onto my wrists. “I’m sorry, Bom. Please forgive me…I’m so sorry.”

But I was still swimming in my shock to form a string of words to respond to her. I had known Chaerin had a little crush on Seunghyun when we were in high school. It just…it just didn’t occur to me she would do such a thing. Or that she was even capable of it.

“I swear to God, I tried to tell you the truth, Bom,” Chaerin explained, still down on her knees. “But I had been so afraid. Afraid I’d lose the friendship I have with you. I love you, and…and I didn’t mean to hurt you. To hurt both of you. I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

I finally found the ease to move, hunkering down so I could reach for her arms. Then I helped her up before I embraced her, rubbing my hand consolingly along her back while at it. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m not mad, Chae. I understand.”

I did. I really did.

“I don’t.” Seunghyun’s voice could slice a boulder. Sharp and stern. Even the gaze he’s throwing Chaerin’s way was identical I had this sudden instinct to protect her from him.

But I didn’t have to because he then started walking away.

I freed Chaerin from my arms, making sure she’s okay, before I ran after Seunghyun. He was on the verge of mounting his posh vehicle when I found him.

“Hey!” I called and he looked at me angrily. At a halt, he waited for whatever else I was about to say.

What the hell was I to say, anyway?

“Look, you have every reason to be mad—” I started.

Which probably wasn’t a good one as he cut me off with a loud, hysterical “Don’t you?!” before he slammed the door of his car so thunderous I felt the vibrations ringing in my ears. “I thought I ing lost you and I blamed myself for that! Because I didn’t have that much power at 18 to not leave, to ing stay here with you!” He paused, looking at a distant space, his chest heaving up and down from his hard breathing. Yup, he was angry. Fuming. Then he looked at me again. “And that speech you pulled off this morning. God!”

I jumped to my defenses. Clearly, that speech he was referring to was nothing more now than a waste of words and anger. “I didn’t mean that until—”

“You have no idea how much it pained me to hear you say that all that I did for you were lies. That they meant nothing when they meant the whole world to me. You meant the whole ing world to me!”

Tears dripped from Seunghyun’s eyes, glistening like bits of diamonds as the sun’s rays hit his face. Underneath the manliness he was exuding from his clothes and his car, I still see the teenage boy I fell in love with. Who fell in love with me first. Which as I remembered at this very second the events from years ago, was too surreal. When he had stood at one of the cafeteria tables and brazenly announced his claim on me. As if the very scene was pulled out of a 1980’s movie. Almost everybody had made a fuss about it because he was smart and hot, and I was not. I had been a plain Jane. Until now, I still was. But Seunghyun had never cared for what they said. He had courted me. He had told me he loved me. I just hadn’t said my feelings back because I hadn’t been ready. And when I finally had been…

“Have I lost you?” I asked all of a sudden. Maybe to him it was a spontaneous question, but in my mind it made total sense. It will give me my much needed clarity if he threw out his answer. “Have I lost you?”

“What do you—”

“I mean if you still…” But I stalled to go on, suddenly feeling terrified for myself. What if—

“If I still love you?”

My stomach roiled in a mix of shame, anticipation, and pessimism as he filled the words. Then again I bravely nodded. Because that’s what would it take to dig out the answer from him, and then I can get the closure I’ve been waiting for. So I can let him go.

I can finally let him go.

“There was never a second of a minute of a day that I didn’t love you.”

I stopped breathing.

Out of all the revelations hurled to me in the past two hours or so, this had been hands down the knockout. And yet also the most wonderful I was having trouble how to react to him. To what he said. And to how he was looking at me at the moment.  So much yearning in his eyes. So much passion. For me.

“You do?” I asked, resisting the impulse to cry even though I knew it would be out of sheer joy.  I was not succeeding.

A loud, deep sigh escaped Seunghyun lips. “Yes. Even after I’d been told by your fake letter that you could never love me back. I guess I lived in this illusion where you are mine and we’re beating the odds of a long distance relationship. And the only thing we’re holding is a promise that one day we’d be together…And I can finally kiss you and make love to you and then you’d get pregnant so you’d have a reason to marry me because baby or not, I will marry you.”

I didn’t realize my feet had dragged me in front of him. Or that a smile had split my face despite the tears running from my eyes. “That’s a crazy illusion. But very realistic.”

Seunghyun brought his hand up to wipe my tears away when I suggested, “So what do you say we forgive Chaerin and—”

Brows furrowing, his hand easily lost contact with my cheeks. “How could you forgive her so easily?”

I shrugged, beaming at him. “Because I chose not to overlook the million good things she did for me just because of that one mistake.”

“That one mistake could have cost us not being together. Not today. Not ever.”

“But it didn’t.”

Seunghyun’s jaw clenched; his stare at me grim. “It could have been.”

“Are you seriously angry at her?”

He tore his gaze away from me to the ground, pondering for a moment. “Honestly…I’m not. I guess I’m just pissed because we wasted ten years. I wasted ten years.” He paused to grit his teeth, perhaps the imagination of what could have transpired between us in that span of time was streaming in his head.

I felt regret over those lost years, too. But we’ve found each other now. And that’s all that mattered.

“And all this time I’ve been talking to her, asking about you, she didn’t mention that goddamn letter,” Seunghyun added.

My smile turned sheepish. It’s also most likely that my cheeks were blushing too. “You asked about me to Chaerin?”

Seunghyun took notice of my reaction and the furious air on his face instantly lifted. “Every single time. And there had been a lot of those times.”

“I wish you hadn’t listened to my fake letter.”

His fingertips tenderly brushed my jaw line as he spoke. “I was hurt…I really thought you could never love me.”

“But I did…”

“I know that now.” Seunghyun’s hands traveled to my waist, encircling it with his arms. “So you love me?”

I nodded, sprightly. “Yes.”

Beaming, he pulled me closer. “And tomorrow?”

I stalled to answer and just smiled foolishly at him; let his anticipation simmer first. It was a well-deserved punishment for even asking such a silly question. Plus, it was a sight to see him wait…the hunger in his eyes. The hunger meant only for me. Eventually, “Forever. Is that good enough?”

“The best.” Then without wasting any more of a second, he cupped my face and kissed me. Fused with powerful longing, his lips pressed onto mine took my breath away. Shook the very ground I was standing on. As though he waited ten grueling years before he could finally do this. Well, he did wait that long. We both did.

Wait, come to think of it, we didn’t actually wait. At least not for this very moment. Not for a reunion of our hearts. I was waiting for my closure, while he, he was stuck in his illusion.

So maybe Chaerin had made an awful mistake, but in the end she still fixed it. And that’s all that counted.

After a few seconds, Seunghyun’s mouth let go of mine and he hugged me tight. “God, I am never letting you go again.”

“Me either.”

I reveled in his warmth and affection. Both that I longed to feel from him. Both that I never thought I ever would.  Then I noticed Chaerin on one side, sniffing, and I beckoned for her so she could join in on the hug.  But as she walked closer, I noticed she was clutching something with her fingers. A worn-out envelope. Straight away, she handed it out to me.

“What is it?”

 

ii

Dear Seunghyun,

Remember when I asked you why you liked me, and you said that you just woke up one day and when the picture of my face came up in your head, you smiled and was reassured that your day was going to be complete?

I kinda can relate to that now. Because this morning, I woke up to a beautiful face in my head and I’ve never felt more whole in my life.

Though I think I’ve always known that I loved the owner of that face even before. When during those times I felt insecure about myself and he would unfailingly tell me how amazing I was. When I didn’t need to say anything yet he would bizarrely know what I wanted, what I needed. When I’d be out of his sight, even for just five minutes because I went to the girl’s toilet or someplace else, and he misses me like I had been gone for a year. Or when he came with me to watch EXO’s concert regardless of how much he hated boy bands…Even bought the tickets with his own money.

I could go on, you know, but this paper would not be enough to list every big or little, crazy or rational thing you’ve done to make my heart race or skip in beats. Or make me feel as if I was the most beautiful girl in the world. Like you. Beautiful. Well, not girl. You are not a girl. You are a boy through and through.=)

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that…I love you. I love you, too. I love you more than words can say. I love you to the moon and back. And I love you I’d give anything I have to be with you right now just to tell you ‘I love you.’

I miss you, Seunghyun, and I can’t wait for you to keep your promise to come back for me. And it doesn’t matter if it’ll take you years. As long as you will.

Waiting,
Bom

 

i

Hip music blared from the speakers and almost every guest was on the dance floor, flailing their arms and swaying their hips. It was admittedly a nice amusing scene to take. They all deserved to just let go now and flow through the celebration of having Seungri and Chaerin tying the knot this afternoon.

I was busy watching the merriment when I realized by instinct that someone’s pair of eyes was staring at me from a distance. My own eyes followed the path of the stare and found Seunghyun, two half-filled glasses of champagne in each of his grip. We met halfway and he dispensed one glass to me, not saying anything. Though that smile of his spoke volumes.

I tried to go back to watching the festivity but under Seunghyun’s distracting gaze, the feat was highly impossible to accomplish.

“What?” I asked, smiling at him.

“Nothing, I just…I just want to make sure that you’re not going to disappear.”

I playfully rolled my eyes before I shook my head. “You’re not in that illusion you used to live in anymore, Seunghyun.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

But then I dropped my gaze and bit my lower lip, suddenly feeling anxious.

“What are you thinking?” he asked, his fingers along my bare arm that had desire swelling inside of me for him.

“Ten years,” I simply answered.

“Uh-huh. It’s been a long time coming, wasn’t it?”

“Well, yeah, but…” I nervously fiddled with the skirt of my silky old rose gown, “but what I meant was ten years is a long time we both have changed.”

‘Changed’ being the operative word. What if I wasn’t the girl he fell in love with anymore? 

Seunghyun took my glass and placed it along with the one he’s holding on the nearby table. Then he held my hands and inched his face toward mine, so close I could smell the champagne on his breath. Or taste his lips.

“But our hearts didn’t,” he said.

And that one short but meaningful response was reassuring enough to steal every thread of worry and anxiety in me. Damn right. One lie may have separated us for a decade, but through it all, our hearts remained beating loudly for each other.

“I love you,” I murmured tenderly.

His face turned up an expression of delight, as though he just sampled chocolate for the very first time. “God, you have no idea how much I’ve always wanted to hear that.”

A scowl spread across my face. “You make it sound like I just didn’t say those words to you a few hours ago.”

As a matter of fact, I couldn’t count in my fingers anymore how many times I’ve already said ‘I love you’ to him just from the time at the corn field yesterday to this very second. Roughly a hundred!

Okay, I was exaggerating. But still, more than I could remember.

“I know. But imagine me having convinced for ten years that I never would have heard that line from you. Ever.”

I cradled his face with one hand, smiling adoringly at him. “Well, no worries, Seunghyun. I have a lifetime to make up for those ten years I wasn’t able to say ‘I love you’. That is, if you want to.”

His eyes blinked rapidly, looking at me as if I just said the most ridiculous nonsense thing. “Do I want to? You’re downright crazy to even think I wouldn’t.” Then he paused for a moment, seemingly contemplating about something. “Wait, did you just propose to me?”

I threw a mischievous grin on my face. What gave that away? The word ‘lifetime’?

“Did I?” I asked, feigning innocence. Then I attempted to walk off, only to be pulled forcefully through my wrist, colliding against Seunghyun’s chest.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he murmured, his voice seductively breathy. And the things it did to me!

“Maid of honor duties,” I managed to say.

Seunghyun’s arms s around my waist, locking me as tight as he could onto his body. “Wedding is over. Besides, Chaerin’s looking already perfectly blissful and content where she is right now.”

I swung my head to where she’s at. Wrapped in Seungri’s arms, his mouth dangling in her ear, she laughed. As if her newly-wed husband had whispered something very funny. Or maybe very dirty. And Seunghyun was right. She was perfectly blissful. Content.

I couldn’t say I wasn’t sharing the same feeling. Because damn I was.

“I could tell she’s not the only one though,” I heard Seunghyun say before he buried his lips on my neck and planted a light kiss on it.

I quietly moaned in pleasure for a response, tilting my neck to provide him more access, wishing this time he’d apply more pressure in his mouth. And he did. Except the spot he kissed was the inward slope between my neck and shoulder. Gooseflesh instantly spread across my skin, delight rippling all over my body.

Seunghyun’s head shot right up to meet with mine, grinning wickedly at me. “Now about your proposal.”

“What about it?”

“I’m rejecting it.”

One eyebrow lifted to my forehead. “You’re rejecting the chance to be my husband?”

“You have to do a lot better than that, you know. I want a surprise. I want a mob of strangers dancing in front of me.  I want you down on your knees with a ring…”

He went on with his demands but I had completely tuned out of his speech. Not that they were outlandish in every level (because they outright were!), but just that I realized how much I really loved him. That I’d try whatever I can to do anything for him. And yeah, no matter how outlandish they could be.

“So,” I said when he finished, “you expect me to do those things without getting anything in return from you other than your ‘yes’?”

I knew that he didn’t have to think deeply for an answer, but he stalled in any case to give it away and looked straight into my eyes first. I would have melted from it if that was possible.

“The world,” he eventually said. “I will give you the world.”

And then he kissed me. And I kissed him back. And I knew it was the end. To pave way for our new beginning.

 

~*~

 

Thank you for reading.=)